Author Topic: Its a process...I guess.  (Read 78267 times)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #425 on: June 05, 2020, 10:46:59 AM »
Well the crazy week just kept getting crazier. Sunday my husband and I were enjoying a relaxing evening reading in our gazebo we just  built and the kids were jumping on the trampoline and my son was doing flips and landed wrong. His arm looked like a noodle. Bones are not supposed to noodle. So of course I rush him to the ER. Due to covid only one person can go with him. I felt bad because I knew my husband wanted to be there for him too but I have always been the one with a bit more clear mind under pressure and I knew in this moment our son needed that so I didn't really even give him the option. It was just that in the moment, he wasn't really thinking clearly. He wanted to call an ambulance but it wasn't that big of a deal, no broken skin or anything. He wanted to rush him right away, I was the one who went in the house and grabbed the insurance cards and everything. It was just a bit crazy. Plus our daughter was hysterical and freaking out. I just told him I would take him and he needed to stay with our daughter and calm her down. I have worked in an ER before and have more experience with medical emergencies. Then driving there I had to drive all over the place because of road blocks due to the curfew and rioting crap. It was nuts. We were at the ER from 9pm till 2:30am. He completely broke both his ulna and radius. The ER was a mad house with everything going on. I just tried to be calm and consistent to the best of my ability amidst the craziness. He was such a brave kid too. He never cried once and apparently has a crazy high pain tolerance because even after the shock wore off he said it only hurt about a level 3-5 pain. He was patient when the doc took a long time due to treating others who were worse off. He never complained except to say he regretted doing the flips, lol. I communicated clearly with all of the medical personnel. I was so proud of him.

After everything I talked and apologized to my husband. I didn't mean to take over but it was like my training had just kicked in. He said he understood and while he wanted to be there for our son he knew that I was probably the better candidate to go. He and our daughter made cards and things for our son. It was really sweet. As I reflected on how stressful life has been. Owning a small business during Covid-19, the protesting and rioting just a few blocks from our front door, and then watching something like this happen to my little boy (he is 12 and not so little but to me he will always be), and my husbands relapse,  it's a lot. How we have managed through this I think is pretty amazing. HE is communicating more and more. I am trying to have more grace and understanding. I feel safe (for the most part, riots are scary), I feel fairly secure in our relationship. I feel like what areas that are week I have confidence we can work on and that my husband has a genuine heart to try and a desire to continue to make this family and us stronger. Years ago he would have just gotten mad and blew up at me because I didn't let him go to the hospital. He would have felt like I wasn't treating him like a man (whatever that means). Now he is humble and confident in who he is. He recognized my strengths and isn't threatened by them. I can really see and appreciate his progress. I know it isn't easy and it takes a lot and I am so honored that he is doing this not just for himself but for us.

kopp

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #426 on: June 05, 2020, 11:33:33 PM »
Every time I read you I can feel so much love in your relationship and so much love coming from you.
The broken bones story is a story your family is going to remember forever and you'll soon be laughing at it :)

And yeah the riots look scary, America really is a special country!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #427 on: June 08, 2020, 04:06:01 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement Kopp. I appreciate really it. The partners journals and forum tend to get a lot less conversation and engagement and at time can feel a bit like crickets so when someone is encouraging I really appreciate it. And yes, this broken bone is something we absolutely will laugh about! We have a few time, just not in front of him because he is still pretty upset about it, LOL.

Things are a slower this week. Adjusting to my son being 1 armed as he has a full arm cast on his left arm. He is really struggling with so many things. He doesn't do well asking for help so this is a big stretch and learning experience for him. Probably will end up being a good thing. Life seems to be slowing down in all other areas and it has allowed us more time to be present to each other. Nice to have things a little slower here. The protests are still going but they are not as violent so the stress level has been down there too.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #428 on: June 17, 2020, 06:49:04 PM »
Just wanted to jump on here and give an update. My hubby and I were able to go out of town for a night over the weekend and it was great. Covid did make it different but overall it was fantastic. It was nice and quiet and allowed us a lot of alone time that was nice. Working together and homeschooling makes it so while we are together all the time we are never really alone together. Getting away was great and long overdue.

Our son is doing better too. He has had a few check ups and scans. A week ago they noticed the bones in his arm had shifted even with the cast on so we had to take him back in today to check and see if surgery was needed. Thankfully no! They were even able to replace his cast with a water proof one. It is great to see his mood lift a little as he has been pretty down. Also I have to say watching my husband show so much emotion through this process has been good too. He is a good dad but he is not a person who shows emotion often. He was really shaken by this whole thing and usually when he experiences something like this he gets extra busy to avoid the emotion, this time he really allowed himself to feel it and he also communicated more with our son. I can see how it help our son with processing his own emotions regarding this. TO me this is a big step. I know that for my husband in the past porn was something he would use to numb himself from being overwhelmed by emotion in life so the fact that he is doing this is a really big step and it give me a lot of hope for us and our family.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #429 on: June 21, 2020, 05:55:42 PM »
Well I had to work this morning but our kids got to pamper my husband for fathers day. Overall it was a good day. I am glad that we have managed to sick it out and keep our family together. He may have his ups and downs but he is a good dad, he is a good husband, and he is a good person. I am glad to be doing life with him.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #430 on: June 25, 2020, 03:10:12 PM »
Time just flies by. Things are going good. Not a lot new to report. Trying to figure out if we are going to make a change in our kids school for next year and covid is adding a bit of craziness to it. Nothing we can't handle. Overall life is good. Was planning a family getaway for the end of July. Going to a friends cabin in Vermont. It will be nice and quite. That should work well with the latest pandemic updates as we will be pretty socially distant, lol. Also looking forward to just getting out of town for over a week. I feel like a break would be nice. Other than that we have friends coming from out of town to stay with us for a week. It will be nice to catch up. Things with my husband are good. Life is good.

Sanders

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #431 on: June 25, 2020, 03:22:35 PM »
Hi,

Strange how quiet this side of the forum is, it's really helpful for me and more men in this situation to understand the female perspective in this struggle. I'm happy to see how well you and your husband are doing these days, I can imagine the difficulties since I'm still not the easiest person for my wife to be around with. Enjoy the trip, I hope you and your family will enjoy it!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #432 on: July 07, 2020, 09:39:55 AM »
Well life when in a completely different direction. We had met some friends for a beer and there we were exposed to Covid. We got a call a few days later and have orders to quarantine for 14 days. Our friend has been pretty sick but is doing ok. We were outside when we met and were socially distancing so I think we will be ok.  The order states we can not leave our property or we could face fines or jail. So we are here, lol. They deliver groceries, although their versions of healthy food is not what we are used to. They bring canned veggies and I am big on fresh veggies but hey these are small things in the grand scheme of things. Our kids are holding up ok. My husband is climbing the walls though. Not being able to get to the shop and work has been hard on him. He has been trying to do as much work around the house as he can but he really needs some things from the hardware store and he can't go, lol. In some ways I think this is good for him to learn to relax but I also understand that this is not easy for him and he is under a lot of stress. I have been trying to play peace keeper. Keep him motivated as best I can and keep the kids in good spirits too. I can definitely say that I have not been caring for myself as much through this but I feel like this is only for a short time and I can put in some good self care later. Right now I just need to keep the household going, calm, and a space we can all pleasantly reside in since we cannot leave, lol. Looking forward to doing some hiking when this is done and praying we all stay healthy. So far we are showing no symptoms of any sickness.
« Last Edit: July 07, 2020, 09:43:04 AM by aquarius25 »

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #433 on: July 10, 2020, 09:06:10 AM »
Well quarantine has ended and we are feeling fine. No sickness or elevated temps or anything. My husband was up early and hit the ground running today. I think he is excited to just not be at home. He has a few jobs that are behind due to this whole thing so he is anxious about getting them done...plus not making money for two weeks is also a stress point. After all of the shut downs and having no income coming in then and now to have had to shut down again has made us start to dip into savings. If feels like when we are able to work we need to work as much as we can as the likely chance of being asked to quarantine again is high. Trying to weather this financial storm has been tricky but thankfully God seems to provide.

Thinking of taking the kids on a hike this evening. We have been socially distancing for some time and wear masks when we go to work or in public places but we talked about trying to avoid public places whenever possible from here forward. It will reduce our chances of coming into contact and getting quarantined again. So hiking is perfect, maybe with a picnic dinner or something. Tomorrow we are going to do a campfire in our back yard and have the neighbors over to roast smores. The kids are ecstatic. Overall life is good.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #434 on: July 14, 2020, 12:10:03 PM »
Things are good. Still working through this new normal of life but overall it is going well. My husband continues to impress me with how much intention and effort he is putting into real growth and healing. I am trying to do the same for myself. I am trying to learn more of where my judgments and hangup are and understand why they are there and push past them. Also trying to engage and teach these techniques to my kids in hopes that they can grow up to be a bit healthier than their parents, lol.

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #435 on: July 15, 2020, 03:03:42 PM »
Also trying to engage and teach these techniques to my kids in hopes that they can grow up to be a bit healthier than their parents.
More important words were never spoken!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #436 on: August 22, 2020, 02:58:00 PM »
Thanks Malando!

SO we are home and as always life just goes full speed. All good things so far. Getting away was wonderful. We had a cabin by the lake in northern Vermont. It was lots of hiking, swimming and the perfect socially distant vacation. There wasn't even much cell service or internet! No TV either! After months of quarantine and allowing slightly more screen time for our kids than we normally do it was great to have zero screens and some exercise. It is moments like these that makes to really happy we have stuck through life and the hurt to get to these places together. It is certainly not easy but so worth it.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #437 on: September 01, 2020, 07:51:54 PM »
Things are good. Family is good and happy to report that my husband is doing really well. He continues to grow and learn more about himself and what is triggering and asking those difficult questions about why are these things triggers? What is it about them that makes me wants to act out? What is it that I feel l am missing or needing that I am not receiving? How can I get what I need from something less destructive? Why do I need _ in the first place?

We are both working on what things we need to feel content, safe, and secure in our relationship and family structure. We have been having these conversations and using this language with our kids and it is really great to see them pick it up! Just the other day our son was able to communicate that his feeling is such a great way. We are transitioning to public school for the first time (I know crazy time to do this but it was the right decision for our family) anyway he is in 7th grade and that is not an easy age. He is the only kid in his class that doesn't know anyone as all the other kids knew each other from last year. So for the first several days none of the kids would talk to him. One day I picked him up and he looked really sad. I asked him if he wanted to keep going to public school and he said yes, he understood this will take time. I asked how he was feeling and rather than saying something like "ok" or 'i don't know" he said he felt lonely and a bit isolated. He said when they are at lunch and he is just by himself it is really hard. Then he said he didn't like just sitting alone and doing nothing. I was going to ask a few more question but he beat me to the punch and said "I should bring a book! I am feeling lonely because I am just sitting there. If I had a book then I would have something to do and would probably not care of other kids talk to me or not" . The next day he brought his book as was happy as a lark. Two days later some kids asked him what he was reading and now he is making friends. I was so impressed that he was able to process and find a solution all on his own. Hopefully these experiences will help him later in life that he will be able to process and problem solve instead of try to used things to makes him feel better by masking or numbing his feelings. I hope he can just tackle them head on!

Arantxa

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #438 on: September 30, 2020, 04:07:24 AM »
Nice to read your experiences, I am learning with this emotional concerns. I appreciate all of you guys.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #439 on: October 05, 2020, 11:03:29 AM »
Arantxa, welcome and thanks!

Not a lot new going on. Life is just busy as normal. As of late I have been feeling more and more confident and comfortable in who I am. I can tell that my husband has noticed and appreciated this as I think he is experiencing similar as well. We both seem to be in a really good place not just as a couple but individually as well. He has come so far from where he began and so have I. Bad days are seldom had and we have both been really enjoying this season of life. The kids are doing well too. Our son is in that awkward stage of 7th grade and will be a teenager come december. He is really starting to shift from boy to this grown man appearance. It is really great to talk to him and hear his thought and perspective on things. One thing he remarked on recently was my husbands pron addiction. We have chosen to be fairly honest with our kids and they do know about his addiction. If he has a relapse one of the agreements is that he is honest with them as well. This adds a layer of accountability to the family as a whole and was something the kids requested. They want to be part of seeing him healthy and free of this too. They have both commented periodically how he is much more present as a dad now than he was before. Over the weekend my son made another observation and it just really made me so proud of him. He said that he can see how my husband shows appreciation and affection toward me more too. He said that some kids at school were talking about pictures of girls (porn) and he said he wasn't interested in that at all. He said he has noticed the impact it has made on his dad and he doesn't want that in his life. He also said that the person his dad is now is the kind of person he wants to be, not the person he was before. I was brought to tears how much he has noticed and watched through these years and I can see how it has impacted his life. I am so proud of the man he is becoming.

Sorry to gush over this but I am just a really proud mama, lol.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #440 on: November 16, 2020, 02:59:29 PM »
Well, I haven't been on in a while. We have been doing distance learning and all the other things and never carved out the time. Also if I am going to be perfectly honest, I am a bit burnt out. I get messaged a decent amount. I love good conversation! I don't care if end up agreeing or not I just truly like to understand people and want to do my part to encourage people to be their best self. Sometimes I might say something that upsets someone and I try to be quick to apologies because that is never my intention. I have connected with so many great men and women on here! Even recently an addict on here and i had a great discussion, some miscommunication on my part and maybe some on his, but in the end I felt we  were able to communicate and appreciate a different perspective. Unfortunately I also get some not so great messages and I just really needed space from those. I just want to make this clear in my journal so there is not misunderstand or miscommunication, it is never ok to send a partner porn triggering messages. In fact don't send them to addicts either! It is not ok to send messages that are just mean period. Behaving like a two yr old is not ok. I have been on here enough to know that there will always be someone who is frankly just an ass hat for no reason other than they just like to pester people. That is not kind and frankly it will not help anyone's healing. So I am not interested in conversation with anyone who isn't interested in actual conversing like adults. 

thanks
A

Gambitchco

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #441 on: December 10, 2020, 11:29:50 PM »
I have read a few of these journals and I can see how making them helps process everything so I thought I would give it a try. I want to do everything I can.

My husband has been watching P apparently since before we met. I also think he has been experiencing PIED off and on since before we met as well. We were best friends. I knew he battled ED but had no idea why. I loved him completely so I figured we can work on the sex thing, no biggy, he is worth it. Fast forward 13 years, 2 kids, 5 houses and me recovering from cancer. We have dealt with a lot in our marriage. I think I took that for granted, I took him for granted. For that I am so sorry. I thought we had not a perfect marriage but about as close as you can possibly come. Then it all came crumbling down. After thinking about the entire scenario its actually a little comical, lol.

I saw our cat under the desk in the office portion of our bedroom sitting on some clothes. I was collecting all the dirty laundry anyway so I reached in to pet him and get the clothes. Then it hit me....I was holding another womans underwear! I had the kids around and was getting ready to take them to my parents as my hubby and I were leaving later that evening on work/ romantic weekend. I was trying not to freak out. I thought there must have been some reasonable explanation but none came to mind. It didn't seem real. I thought maybe it was a joke, but I couldn't see how. So I texted my husband and told him I found something under the desk. No response. Then I said he had better say something cause I was kinda freaking out. His only response was Panties.  I asked him WTF?! He said, "you caught me, I was masturbating". I said I didn't care about the masturbating I wanted to know who's fucking panties they were?

Long story short he had found them at our house in the back of a drawer as the desk used to be a friends and she used it as a dresser for a bit. I do find it funny that his story, that was actually true, made him look like a huge cheater. He was really scared. A week earlier is ED had gotten really bad when we were trying to have sex and it wouldn't work at all. He had went online and found out about PIED and was already starting and hoping to fix it without me ever knowing. The panties were bad timing. I am glad though. They brought the longest weekend of our marriage, 16 hr car ride from hell, lol. The two of us stuck in the car with nothing but panties to discuss, lol. But we are now closer. We are openly talking. That is good.

I have always known that he looked at porn. I didn't know just how much he was doing it. I have always know he struggled with self image and issues with his self worth. He feels bad that he isn't a sex god or something. At one point in our marriage I heard him say that M and P he thought might actually help us. Clearly that is not the case. I think he was doing it to feel good about himself. Like see, it actually does work! But in doing that he was making it worse. I didn't care about him MO, I didn't even care about the P. I hated the lying. So much I hate the lying.

Now I feel like our entire marriage was a lie. All of the sex and the progress we made over the years was about his porn. The new things we tried was reliving his porn. I feel so ugly, rejected, confused and frankly heartbroken. It consumes my mind every moment of every day for the last 7 days. I need to get this out of my head.  This is super long. i'm sure nobody will actually read the entire thing, lol. If you do thank you. Its nice to know I am not alone. I feel so lonely. I have no one here that I can talk too. I love my husband. He is committed to getting better. He really does love me. I have so many fears. I guess this will be one way for me to work them out.
Cheers and tears.

Many can super relate to this, good luck to you! We are just so happy to get forums like this.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #442 on: January 04, 2021, 12:36:12 PM »
Gambitchco, Yes, while i am not on here often it is a really good place to seek support.

Happy New Year everyone. This year is hopefully going to be better than last year. Last year was a big one for us and I think it was a good wake up call my my hubby as he had his first relapse last year. He is a lot more focused now and I am hoping that he can keep that momentum up. Seems like when days turn into months and become years you let your guard down. I think that was what happened for him, add in a pandemic and I think it was just a recipe for disaster. We both check in more often and try to communicate whenever things come up for us. This year is sure to be full of lots of new things. Adding to our growing business, hopefully traveling to some new countries with the kids, and continuing to grow.. Learning from the past but not dwelling there, just trying to keep my focus forward.