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Its a process...I guess.

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I have read a few of these journals and I can see how making them helps process everything so I thought I would give it a try. I want to do everything I can.

My husband has been watching P apparently since before we met. I also think he has been experiencing PIED off and on since before we met as well. We were best friends. I knew he battled ED but had no idea why. I loved him completely so I figured we can work on the sex thing, no biggy, he is worth it. Fast forward 13 years, 2 kids, 5 houses and me recovering from cancer. We have dealt with a lot in our marriage. I think I took that for granted, I took him for granted. For that I am so sorry. I thought we had not a perfect marriage but about as close as you can possibly come. Then it all came crumbling down. After thinking about the entire scenario its actually a little comical, lol.

I saw our cat under the desk in the office portion of our bedroom sitting on some clothes. I was collecting all the dirty laundry anyway so I reached in to pet him and get the clothes. Then it hit me....I was holding another womans underwear! I had the kids around and was getting ready to take them to my parents as my hubby and I were leaving later that evening on work/ romantic weekend. I was trying not to freak out. I thought there must have been some reasonable explanation but none came to mind. It didn't seem real. I thought maybe it was a joke, but I couldn't see how. So I texted my husband and told him I found something under the desk. No response. Then I said he had better say something cause I was kinda freaking out. His only response was Panties.  I asked him WTF?! He said, "you caught me, I was masturbating". I said I didn't care about the masturbating I wanted to know who's fucking panties they were?

Long story short he had found them at our house in the back of a drawer as the desk used to be a friends and she used it as a dresser for a bit. I do find it funny that his story, that was actually true, made him look like a huge cheater. He was really scared. A week earlier is ED had gotten really bad when we were trying to have sex and it wouldn't work at all. He had went online and found out about PIED and was already starting and hoping to fix it without me ever knowing. The panties were bad timing. I am glad though. They brought the longest weekend of our marriage, 16 hr car ride from hell, lol. The two of us stuck in the car with nothing but panties to discuss, lol. But we are now closer. We are openly talking. That is good.

I have always known that he looked at porn. I didn't know just how much he was doing it. I have always know he struggled with self image and issues with his self worth. He feels bad that he isn't a sex god or something. At one point in our marriage I heard him say that M and P he thought might actually help us. Clearly that is not the case. I think he was doing it to feel good about himself. Like see, it actually does work! But in doing that he was making it worse. I didn't care about him MO, I didn't even care about the P. I hated the lying. So much I hate the lying.

Now I feel like our entire marriage was a lie. All of the sex and the progress we made over the years was about his porn. The new things we tried was reliving his porn. I feel so ugly, rejected, confused and frankly heartbroken. It consumes my mind every moment of every day for the last 7 days. I need to get this out of my head.  This is super long. i'm sure nobody will actually read the entire thing, lol. If you do thank you. Its nice to know I am not alone. I feel so lonely. I have no one here that I can talk too. I love my husband. He is committed to getting better. He really does love me. I have so many fears. I guess this will be one way for me to work them out.
Cheers and tears.


--- Quote --- This is super long. i'm sure nobody will actually read the entire thing,
--- End quote ---

I read it as I'm sure many others have or will too. there are great people on this site that will give you support. Thanks you for sharing your sorry.

PS: Sorry to hear about your cancer.

thank you for the kind words. Cancer sucks but at least its something at you can talk about with your friends without shame. My husband has a problem but he is a good man. He is a good father, friend and person. I hate how much shame is attached to this because it makes it hard for him to find support and me too. I am sad to think that I may confide in a friend and have that change their perspective of him. I don't want them thinking something "dirty" about him. I understand it though because I  admit that I thought that first. Those were my first thoughts. I can't imagine how hard that would be for him to live with this secret. I have been mad, angry and overwhelmed but mostly I just feel sad for him. I have and compassion for this struggle. It is so much harder than cancer. I am looking forward to the day that we can be a healthy couple and have an amazing sex life! Really looking forward to the last part!

Well getting ready to go away for the weekend. I have so many feelings about leaving my husband with the kids. I am scared that we will relapse and also there is a part of me that knows its going to happen at some point so lets get it over with. I know that doesn't make much sense but lately nothing has made sense. I am trying to maintain a positive attitude, it's really hard. Another thing that has been crossing my mind is other men. I feel like it has been forever since I have had great sex! I would like to get laid, lol, badly. Not by someone who feels obligated to "try" and need medication to preform but someone who finds me irresistibly attractive and wants me. I miss having that connection with someone. I don't even care about love or anything like that I just want a physical experience. I know its cheating, and I certainly wouldn't follow through with this but I can't deny that I have been fantasizing about it. There is also most likely a terrible part of me that is angry and maybe hurting him is something I want in some horrible part of my heart. That's sad. 13 yrs of marriage has boiled down to this.

I feel like I need to start trying to enjoy doing things with him. Maybe that will help remind me of the man who I married? I don't know. I think I just need to keep processing.

Aquarius25, I found this site about 3-4 months into recovery, maybe? Can't quite remember but till then I suffered in Silence because it is not some bring we can talk about to others. I feel your pain. I don't think I have experienced anything quite so hurtful as this. Just remember not to allow what he has done and what has happened to make you feel less about you. It's not about you, it's about him. It wouldn't matter who your husband had married he would've had the same issue. Watch your thoughts because without realizing it you will blame yourself. I understand your lonely feeling. I think it was the worst feeling when I first started to go through this. I constantly felt so lonely and like our life was all a sham. Thank God my husband has taken his recover very seriously and as yet hasn't had any relapses. That's not to say he won't. We are a year into recovery. I can talk to him at times about it now in a calm manner but it still Hurts like hell. I also still yell and occasionally have a flipper as much as I hate to admit it. He has no PIED anymore but I do think he struggles with temptations when it comes to looking at women and stuff although he claims he doesn't. I can't even begin to describe it all to you here. I pray for you in this journey. If he is serious about hair recovery there is hope. The road is bumpy and not fun but things can improve. You need to take care of you. Journaling helps a lot and if you can find a pastor/counsellor/non judgmental Friend or any of the like to talk to it will help. Take a look at my journal posted just below yours. It's long but it details a lot of the ups and downs I have had in this journey. Check out the spouses section of you haven't already. There are some VERY nice and helpful ladies there. Too many to list.
My journal is called my journey to restoration.


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