My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict

[Stp215]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Work. You're right, the focus now should be more on staying clean and being in control. Trying to focus on next steps: getting to 60 days, then 100. Appreciate your support.

[Stp215]

Hello brothers, it's been a while for me on here but need to share and hear any feedback. My struggle is ongoing. I've gone up to 4 months PMO free but still struggling to get off the roller coaster.

The flat line phase is still brutal and confusing. I've read many accounts on here about what it's like for others, but it still tough. How long does it take to heal? It's different for everyone, but I still have no idea how long it takes for me to start real healing.

My marriage has also been on a roller coaster. We have been trying to make it work, but there are difficulties. We have sex occasionally. I use Levitra for a boost, but it doesn't work as often as it does. I can perform with about a 60% erection but still don't finish during it. The sensation of real sex still doesn't compare to PMO. We have had other issues besides my PMO, and I still don't know if I want to stay in the marriage. One concern is that if we got divorced and I met someone else, the PMO issues would still be there.

For me, PMO is all about the dopamine kick. It really is a drug addiction in that sense. I have shown myself that I can go months without PMO, but when the flat line period is so dormant with no sign of light at the end of the tunnel, I get frustrated and give in. And if you give in once, you mind starts talking to you. "If you've done it once, why not do it a couple more times?" Next thing you know, you're back to full PMO mode and starting from scratch again.

I still have a strong desire to be healthy and functional, but the ups and downs of this are a bitch. Not knowing how long the process will take. Battling with your internal demons along the way. Triggering images all around you in the world, even when you're not seeking them out. The shame and self-loathing that comes with relapsing. If there was a medical operation or a chemical treatment that would be a short-cut to healing, I would gladly volunteer for it. 

I'm still in the fight. Wish I had a better story to tell, but I'm not giving up. Will try to post here more regularly.

[cranm329]

Hi Stp215
There is hope for you and your marriage. Chemical or surgical interventions are not the answer. Even Levitra etc can cause problems as well as being a temporary help. I have mentioned a new approach to at least one guy on here that, potentially, can be a highly pleasurable, easy, free, healthy and healing method of solving your (both partners) problems. Please have a look at Kindle and search for Diana Richardson ' The Heart of Tantric Sex'.
I know that it sounds weird and New Age. Tantric sex suggests kinky massage/ prostitution. It's something completely different. I am not trying to promote DR's work but my wife and I (both sexually conservative and mainline) have benefitted tremendously from reading this. It has helped me understand sex and manhood/womanhood differently. It has helped me move ahead with PMO avoidance and PIED. Strongly recommend at least reading the excerpt on Kindle. She has written stuff specifically for men as well.

[Stp215]

Today I circled the date of March 17 with a red marker. That is the day I stopped PMO, and I want it to be a new beginning. I feel more confident than ever that I want to change my life and live better, and differently. All provocative digital images have been deleted from my devices. My iPad has become synonymous with PMO to me, so I have put it in a drawer and don't intend to use it again.

The first few days clean felt normal, then yesterday I had a distinct buzzing sensation in my brain. It's still here right now. I'd like to think that is the first stages of deprogramming from P, the rewiring process starting.

I wish there was a calculator that would let you compute, "X amount of time in PMO = you will need this much time PMO-free to heal." The inexact nature of it is very frustrating. In one sense, it's a good thing that flatline means there is no arousal happening right now, because it would increase your desire to MO. On the other, the lack of arousal makes you wonder if it will ever come back.

I'm not only giving up P, but changing the way I perceive the world. Thanks to P, I saw everything in a hyper-sexualized way. All women I came in contact with were evaluated based on their appearance and attractiveness to me. If there was a good-looking woman on the street, on a train, I had to look at her with lust on my mind. I see now that nothing productive comes from that. Now I am simply not looking.

Last night I was watching a movie on Netflix. Unexpectedly there was a graphic sex scene. It produced a reaction in my brain that was not positive and did not feel good at all. I turned it off.

The process for me is more than just walking away from PMO. I'm eating healthier. Exercising at a gym 2-3 days a week. Not putting myself in situations that have led to PMO in the past, like locked in my bedroom surfing the internet.

YBOP is a great resource. I've been reading the articles and so many of them describe my condition in amazing detail. There's no uncertainty. I have been a PMO addict for more than 2 decades and have PIED symptoms. I've been down this rabbit hole for so long, its almost hard to imagine I could reach a place where I am healed and fully-functional. Reading the testimonials of guys who have been as bad as me or worse and healed themselves gives me hope. Thanks.

[cranm329]

Hi Stp215
You have done well starting to take back control of your thoughts. The Netflix experience was a good move. Keep going; it will get better but it will take time as you said.

[Stp215]

Today I looked at my calendar and figured out when it will be 100 days clean for me: June 24. That's my target. I will keep going beyond that, but 100 days seems to be a benchmark many people use on here. I'm 10% there and feeling good about it.

Tonight I found another device of mine that had a lot of P on it. As I was deleting the images, I literally had to look away from the images as I was deleting. The glances at the images I did catch were causing me discomfort. It literally hurt my brain to look at them. Now I have zero digital P messages on any of my devices. Feels liberating.

This process reminded me of a scene from the movie "A Beautiful Mind." The main character played by Russell Crowe suffered from schizophrenia and saw things that weren't there. When asked how he deals with it, he said (paraphrasing): "Like a diet of the mind, I abstain from certain appetites." That applies here too. It's almost impossible to go through life today without triggering images around you. The trick is to not put yourself in situations that will trigger you, and if you see them anyway, abstain from seeing any more.

Another thought: one of my favorite personal coaches is Tony Robbins. He talks often about helping people beat addictions. He has said it's all about creating the right associations in your mind. If you can't stop eating chocolate, you need to associate eating chocolate with bad things instead of pleasure. Once you truly do that, you will not want chocolate any more. Not hard to see how that translates to PMO. So far I have had negative associations with seeing a P image even for a moment since quitting. If that can become permanent, it will make lifestyle change easier.

[Stp215]

Now at 13 days PMO-free. Feeling great about it. Can’t wait to reach 100 and beyond. I will not be a slave to this any longer.

[Stp215]

17 days clean. Removing P from all devices is something I didn’t fully do in previous attempts, and it makes a huge difference. Reducing the opportunity to break bad keeps you out of bad situations.

Still struggle with the flatline. Very little activity down there. I’m taking a blind leap of faith that it will come back.

[Jbow]

Good job at cleaning all your devices up. That's a big step. I know when you do that it makes you feel like your naked, and on your own.  Just know that will pass. Its something new to you. No more porn is a big step. Congratulations.

[Stp215]

Thanks, jbow. The stories on here are so inspiring, as well as the encouragement. I still believe. 

[workinprogressUK]

That spring-clean's vital, don't you think? I think of past efforts to reboot when I knew that i had a little USB hidden, or a dormant email account that i knew i could re-open. Until I destroyed everything that could link me back to my P habit, and put as many physical barriers as possible in the way, I couldn't really commit. It's bitter-sweet to see you back, Stp. Bitter that you're still suffering. Sweet that you're still fighting.

[Stp215]

Thanks. Yes, I can recall the sequence of events every time I relapsed. It started with a little peek at P here and there, creating a snowball effect. The addictive mind can be a devious liar. It’s like a devil on your shoulder, convincing you that there’s no harm from a bite of the forbidden fruit. The truth is we all have the power to control our environment as relates to access to P. When the environment is controlled, the chances of relapse are greatly reduced. Tackling a reboot with more information and wisdom than you had last time is what gives hope imo.

[jixu]

I like the way you described the sequence of events.  It reminds me of the proverb that states something like "can a man heap coals upon his chest and not be burned?" If we want to stay out of harm we have to stay out of harm's way!

I have noticed that for me I have often inserted a step even before the "peek at p" that you mentioned in that I'll find something that is not technically p and is "ok" but that starts the motor running in the same manner.

Keep up the good work!     

[workinprogressUK]

I have noticed that for me I have often inserted a step even before the "peek at p" that you mentioned in that I'll find something that is not technically p and is "ok" but that starts the motor running in the same manner.

Agreed. I recall reading that it was all part of the same "cognitive distortion" process that Stp talks about. Sometimes nobody believes our lies better than ourselves!

[Jbow]

I've do e this more than I care to admit. I look at something on YouTube and next thing I know, I'm on my favorite streaming site. Not anymore.  I know that now and shut it off immediately.  It's so easy to fall in that trap. Stay strong.

[Stp215]

I have noticed that for me I have often inserted a step even before the "peek at p" that you mentioned in that I'll find something that is not technically p and is "ok" but that starts the motor running in the same manner.

This just happened to me today. A female friend emailed me with unsolicited pics of her bust augmentation surgery (not nude). Needless to say it was fairly triggering. After feeling a brief twinge, I deleted them without incident. Not long ago I would have taken my phone to a private place and PMO’d to it. It is nearly impossible to totally isolate yourself from all triggers. I’d say the time I already have in the bank, plus the resolve from several relapses, was the difference.

[jixu]

Wow Stp, that was some challenge-awesome response.  You appear to indeed have some interesting friends.

I guess Deputy Barney Fife was right: "You have to nip it, you have to nip it in the bud."   

[Stp215]

Will be clean 28 days tomorrow. Feelings some urges but have been swatting them down. No P within reach so confident it will keeping rolling.

[Stp215]

Today marks 30 days PMO free. Before going clean I would take Levitra with decreasing effectiveness. It was difficult to maintain and I could not finish. Yesterday my wife was in the mood and I took a pill. The difference between trying to have real sex with PMO addiction vs. doing it with 29 days clean was noticeable. Was able to maintain and finish. I want to get to a point where I can do it with no assist at all, but wanted to share this experience. Staying clean clearly makes things better.

[cranm329]

Well done going 30 days and glad for you that the response is returning to normal. Hope that the medication becomes unnecessary. Tip: try a high nitrite/ nitrate diet ...details can be found on line. For me it works and is definitely not just a mental thing.

[Jbow]

Good job stp. That is just one more incentive to stay clean. Every minute of every day you get stronger and your brain heals a little bit more.  What a good feeling to know your hard work is paying off.  Keep up the good work

[Stp215]

Hello all, thought it was time to post an update.

The good news: since my last post I went over 100 days clean. Marked the milestones on my desk calendar and stuck with it. The flatline is very confusing and difficult. As I got closer to 100 days, I discovered that the flatline started to go away. The veterans on here are right. I was going on blind faith but have seen the results. I even began having sex with my wife again, and did so without ED medication. I considered it a great achievement, thanks in part to this forum and to the support.

The not-so-good news: I did slip off a bit and PMO sporadically. In total candor, I get bored with the routine of life. My wife and I both have time-consuming jobs and three kids, so the opportunities for sex are limited. If she has to go out of town for a work trip, I am indulging in PMO.

One of the hardest things is how your mind manipulates the situation. Ok, you broke your good streak and did it. Now my mind is thinking, you already did it once, might as well do a few more times before you start clean again. It’s wrong, but it happens IMO from being alone and bored. The old saying about idle hands.

Trying to see this as, I went a long time clean and saw the good results. I know I can do this with the proper focus. The challenge is staying on the right path over the long haul. Thanks

[Chicagocold]

Great job on 100 days.  Don't dig yourself deeper in the hole though if you slipped up.  It's a crappy thing when your mind is actively working against you.  If you add a "few more" sessions since you've already slipped up it will be that much harder to stop tomorrow.  I've had it happen to me several times.  The urges will come back x 10 because you made a mistake, then you made the choice to do it.  Bad deal.

Boredom is my killer too.  For me if the subtle urges or subconscious suggestions to "just take a quick look" hit when I'm alone and bored, I have to move.  Get out of the house, go to the grocery, hit the gym, trim the bushes, whatever.  If you can't leave then try to get out of the chair, the room, put the phone down, clean something, fix something you've been neglecting.  I think frequently the trigger isn't an image or video - it's sitting in the same chair, in the same room, during the same time (evenings, whenever) that you used to watch porn.  Your brain recognizes the physical pattern and goes right into trying to get its fix. 

Good luck.