Author Topic: Fallen  (Read 622 times)

Bookieboy87

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Fallen
« on: December 08, 2016, 08:14:21 PM »
I've been trying to reboot for almost a year now. I've been to Counselling, and I continue to seek counselling and I feel that is has been working a lot.

I've gone long periods without porn, but in the last year I've fallen off the wagon and back into the porn trap a few times now. Each time it gets harder and harder to face yourself and face these demons that urge me to do this. I most recently fell a few weeks ago and am currently on my second week of of no PMO. It feels great to not be on it. But more importantly, in those two weeks, thanks to what i have learned from this platform, weeks of counselling sessions and at home safe practices and self reflection, and lots of helpful insights and honesty from my loving husband. In these past two weeks where I have been off porn, it feels different. I feel different. I feel more equipped to deal with my issues and really see clearly what it is that is driving me to watch and use porn as an escape from my reality. This addiction started off at a young age for leisure and pleasure and has come to a dark place of me using Porn as a means to avoid my real life stress and problems. In fact the things I find most stressful in life (financial burdens, Career choices, Personal failures, etc) are actually not real problems at all. The more I learn to face these issues and deal with them in the real world, the less I feel the need and urge to escape them with Pornography.

I can clearly see my addiction cycle and I can clearly understand it and see it for the deception and destructive behavior it is. Through my counselling sessions I have been able to understand and combat this Porn addiction. Despite the fact that 2 weeks ago I fell into it again. I feel more equipped and knowledgeable in what is happening to me, my brain, my emotions and my feelings than ever before in my life. This is truly the heart and soul of my addiction. I am dealing with emotions that I never wanted to deal with before, and dealing with things in my life that are hard. But I have to face them. I can't avoid them. I can't let porn be my go to escape for these things.

I feel like this time is different. I can feel it. I hope you all can encourage one another and perhaps sends some silent encouragement to me. I am definitely sending it to all of you. This addiction is hard, but for me, dealing my real life seemed harder. Discovering the truth that my life is actually great, and I simply need to let go of the control and high expectations I put on my self. I can simply enjoy life what I have (which is a lot actually) and stop stressing and stop using Porn.

I want to be Porn Free forever. I want it. I know I can do it.

2 weeks and counting. This time it will be different. I know I can do it. I can't do it alone. I have my husband to help and support me. He gives me strength. I know that I can beat this thing. This time will be different. I can feel it....