Author Topic: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P  (Read 15424 times)

kk99

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Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« on: October 17, 2015, 02:27:00 AM »
I am a 28 year old gay dude, who's been struggling with porn-induced ed for awhile now.

This reboot is hard. Harder than I thought, and while I've relapsed with MO, I've gone a month without porn. That said, I'm just now admitting and realizing Grindr is kind of a gateway/half-ass porn, so it feels slightly cheating, but over a month with no porn is something.

I am deciding right now that I commit to the full reboot. I am scared, frustrated, about how many failed attempts I've had, but I believe in myself and writing this makes it seem real, reading these success stories makes it seem worth it, and the support of an online forum makes it possible. I am going to write everyday to keep track of my progress. Mostly for myself, but hopefully to help those going on this journey.

Today is day 1.

My goal is to love my sex life with my partner. Ease, fulfillment, and joy. Time to let go of more stress, frustration, and self-hate from this seeming addiction to porn and masturbation.

Wish me luck. Any pointers are welcome.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2015, 02:32:32 PM »
Today is day 2.

It's been only 12sh hours since my first post and my decision to go on this journey. I am already tempted by sex with people I've slept with in the past, but committed to no PMO for 90 days.

Wow, what a journey it will be. I am going to get some books about addiction, habit, etc from the library to support this endeavor. Staying busy is helpful. So is exercise and meditation.

Good luck everyone.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2015, 02:37:12 AM »
I'm going to write the things I am excited for healing, rewiring, and confidently loving my sexuality. This seems like a good thing to focus on at 1 35 in the morning when I have the urge to MO or watch porn. The joys ahead from the healing right now. Definitely worth it.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2015, 10:40:20 PM »
Today is the end of day 3. I want to get some books on addiction from the library tomorrow. I feel good.

The flatline is real. I've also been smoking pot everyday for some years and am wondering if it might be good to give this habit up in conjuntion with the no pmo, or if it will cause stress. I must decide if I really want it.

I feel more calm, confident, and focused already, containing my sexual energy and no feeling shitty about repeated failed attempts. This time is different. I am committed.

Dream_nofap

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2015, 11:14:31 PM »
please leave smoking pot. It will only affect your habits and could hamper your reboot process.

Make a new counter for leaving pot.




kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2015, 11:16:53 PM »
I know. I didn't today, but feel more horny than I have in days.

Deciding whether to tackle both vices at once, or be gentle with myself and really put my energy into rebooting and manifesting a happy sex life.

Today is challenging. On one hand, even after five days I feel so much more attractive and energetic than I have in weeks. On the other I feel like I am ready to explode.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2015, 05:49:15 PM »
Today I woke up and jerked off. I know before I came that stopping was still possible, but my mind went into my groin and it continued.

I am trying hard to be gentle with myself and forgiving. The no MO thing is harder than no porn for me. Anyone else having a similar experience. Still, I am 6 weeks without porn. Although my longest stretch with no MO is a week.

Writing right now on October 22, that I will last one month. And reminding myself that I am still making great progress. No point throwing in the towel now, seeing this thing through til it's successful.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #7 on: October 25, 2015, 11:07:58 PM »
Okay, it's Sunday night. And well, I am focusing on the fact that I have not watched porn in a month and a half. But I did MO and have relapsed with MO numerous times.

I met someone on Thursday and had sex, and used Viagra. It worked pretty well. The prospect of meeting someone meaningful is nice. But really, I need to focus on myself. And heal this condition. I am. Distraction is easy and I'm realizing what 100% commitment means.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2015, 08:49:42 PM »
Here we go. So I've been successful in not watching porn for nearly 2 months, which is definitely the longest I've gone in years.

However, I've had sex, masturbated, chatted on grindr, etc. I had a sexual encounter the other night, that was intimate (with someone I have had to break it off with because my commitment to healing sexually is greater than starting a new relationship at the moment) and I could not perform/was not that turned on and once again felt shame and frustration that was a potent reminder of why I have embarked on this. I had to go into more of a fantasy zone in my mind to get off. Crazy to realize how much this stuff fucks with our brains.

I've also decided starting today, on November 1st to give up marijuana for the month also, and tackle both habits at once. I got this. Mind over matter, and after mingling in the grey area of hooking up, mo'ing sometimes, etc. I realize a 100% honest reboot is what it's going to take. That said, my progress in resisting porn is real. I've been tempted and in the "what the fuck does it matter" zone a phone times but have resisted. That feels important.

Wish me luck. I hope this stream on consciousness I'm writing on here helps someone. It's helping me.

Dream_nofap

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2015, 01:07:05 AM »
Best of luck.  Keep rebooting.....  And of course,  leave pot. 




kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #10 on: November 02, 2015, 10:31:27 PM »
Today is almost in the books.

This stuff is truly challenging, but I'm making it work. Today is day 2 of no MO and no marijuana.
Definitely felt some lows, lethargy, sadness after work. Made myself sit in a steamroom and work out just a little. That helped. Now, I'm going to read and chill. I also broke it off with the person I was sleeping with. It was a big distraction from this process. I realize I want a happy sex life, not one fraught with anxiety and it's worth waiting for and putting in the work now, rather than rushing it.

The conjunction with the seasons is symbolic. Everything around me is dying, getting darker. And this dark part of myself, these old habits are ready to die off (although they are stubborn as fuck). Trying to stay upbeat. Went to the herb store today to get some St Joh's Wort which is essentially an herbal mood uplifter that's worked for me in the past when I struggled with some depression. It works and is better for me than going on medication. Want to stay upbeat and happy during this process, because it is exciting.



kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2015, 11:13:15 PM »
Today is another day, no porn, no MO, no marijuana.

Damn I am EXPLODING with energy. And exercising like crazy. It feels great to have something to channel the excess energy I used to dim with pot and drain with jerking off into something like making my body fit as fuck.

Feeling a bit lonely, as I realize I used sex and hookup sites as a way to find connection. But feeling confident, optimistic, and proud of myself.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #12 on: November 06, 2015, 12:53:52 AM »
Another successful day. No PMO, no ganja.

My energy was really low, which is a contrast to the days before, but I'm being gentle with myself.

I started reading the Power of Habits and something interesting that I think is worth sharing is that habits need to be replaced by something else to increase the chances of success. For me, I either work out (not always possible in the moment). OR I've started using visualization techniques. The picture of what I am creating. Me in my bed with my hot partner enjoying sex with ease, confidence, and satisfaction that I turned my sex life. Sounds strange, but this concept of thoughts becoming things is real and this mental image is the motivation to keep me going.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #13 on: November 08, 2015, 12:49:15 AM »
Feeling good changes. No pmo and not even tempted.
Noticing I don't feel that sex obsessed. Maybe the beginning of a flatline. Who knows, but I really was not tempted at all today, which felt nice. I am sticking with this thing.

I did smoke ganja today after a week. No guilt, all good. Going to recommit to sobriety for the rest of the month now though as a way of teaching myself that one slip up does not mean throwing away all commitments. But a great opportunity to recommit and strengthen willpower and mental strength.

Life feels fantastic though and this forum, the information I've gathered from it, and the belief that I heal now for a happy satisfying ecstatic confident sex life has really changed the game. I was down a bit before and feeling hopeless about ED for basically all of my adult life. I'm a good looking, fit 28 year old who actually loves sex and am excited to enjoy it more and more.




kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #14 on: November 10, 2015, 01:30:26 AM »
Today is day 10 of no PMO. This is the longest I've ever gone in my adult life without masturbating. Since I've started when I was 12 or 13.

At the same time. I have failed to take a month off of marijuana. ANd have smoked twice, since vowing twice (on this thread) not to for the month. I am reading baout habits, how they change in the book "The Power of Habit". I wonder if any of you have advice on successfully tackling one habit, while succumbing to another habit.

One of the definitions of dependence is defined as a behavior that's been attempted to be paused or eradicated unsuccessfully numerous times. So, I'm overcoming my porn and masturbation habit. While the wires in my brain find their way back to their favorite plant.

All of that said. This is success. I feel very confident, proud of myself, and faithful that this is healing my ED. It's been quite a secret, struggle, and deep fear that I'd never be able to have a happy sex life before I found this information, enough self-determination to believe I can successfully reboot, and a strong commitment. I feel more attractive and have gotten noticeably more attention from cuties in the past few weeks.

Writing is medicine. Stay strong everyone.

Winky

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #15 on: November 10, 2015, 02:07:43 AM »
;
« Last Edit: November 18, 2015, 03:31:22 AM by Winky »

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #16 on: November 11, 2015, 10:20:01 AM »
Another day in the books.

I'm channeling all of my pent up sexual energy into exercise. It's a great outlet and is making my fit. I was thinking when I was swimming laps today, quitting porn has literally gotten me into great shape. Ridiculous, I know, but actually true.

I also am realizing the giant step up in standards for the people I date. Before, despite my condition I was so sex-obsessed (and needed viagra) AND insecure on a deep level that I wasn't worthy of an epic amazing long term relationship with a 10/10 because I had this problem and wouldn't be able to please anyone. Now, I'm saying no to people who I know there's no future with and I feel mediocre about, because I've gained enough confidence not to settle.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #17 on: November 11, 2015, 10:25:12 AM »
I did wake up pretty horny this morning and with the urge to watch porn. Today is day 11 of no PMO. I won't do it. Writing instead.

It is two months exactly of no porn. Damn. The game really changed when I deleted grindr also 11 days ago, which basically stimulated those response areas in my brain (pictures of bodies) and people being straightforward about wanting to meet for sex.

The gay world makes this almost harder. Many of us are down to mess around with each other and our dating sites are highly sexualized/people wanting to meet up solely for sex. Honestly, it's kind of awesome. And yet I've been thinking how it's sort of real life porn scenarios played out. It's been fun, but not the intimacy I create, heal this, and work towards now. I'm doing this for something long lasting and real.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #18 on: November 12, 2015, 02:41:57 AM »
Another day.

I feel strong and focused. And I am also feeling some serious urges.

I realize not only is this the first time I've stopped PMO'ing. But it's also the first time that I've stopped seeking sex. I used viagra, found it easy to find other dudes to have sex with. Although I've struggled with porn, ed, and in maintaining and feeling worthy of long lasting relationships before this reboot journey, I've had no problem getting laid ever, anonymously (the gay world is easy for casual sex, there's like a whole gay underground hookup culture, it's nuts).

I realized when I was in the city near where I live tonight, I also have a habit of going on my phone and chatting with strangers on grindr until sometimes I find someone I'm attracted to, to get off with. Not everytime, as I'm somewhat picky, but it happens. This is a change. I was walking out of work, (I go there about twice a month for work), near somewhere I habitually would get my phone and seek sex and I realized this too has become a habit. The thought of it isn't as appealing anymore as actual connection is. I wasn't tempted to do it in the slightest, although I've been feeling an urge to jerk off.

Anyways, this realization is huge for me. And the fact that since rebooting, stopping porn, and rewiring my brain, I know this is not what I want. And I prefer connection, intimacy, and sex with someone I'm connected to. Hallelujah.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #19 on: November 13, 2015, 12:18:03 AM »
November 12th complete. 12 days no PMO. 2 months, 1 day no porn.

Nothing new to say. Writing instead of jerking off :)

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #20 on: November 14, 2015, 10:26:16 PM »
Shit. Today was rough...

I jerked off twice this morning. Woke up hungover, feeling like shit about getting 'rejected' by my friend I wanted to hook up with. And yeah. Felt like I failed all day.  It is what it is. One slipup. Still no porn. And I just went the longest I've ever gone without MO.

Feeling a bit depressed, because I was doing so good. Anyhow. I must continue on and have faith in myself. The fear of not ever having a normal sex life is real and scary. And it's been big throughout today. But really, I've been so confident this is working, making a drastic improvement in the quality of my life and believing in the process, I won't let one hungover morning fuck it up. But take this as information of how shitty I feel, and how great I've felt for the past few weeks.

It never ceases to amaze me how therapuetic writing is for me.

Will86

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #21 on: November 15, 2015, 06:25:55 AM »
Hey KK99,

I´m almost in your same situation. I had been 22 days without PMO...until yesterday...I didi it three times...I am so ashamed.
I stopped watching porn or anything, I deleted grindr and all that stuff...but my main distraction is at the same time my main trigger...THE GYM. I don´t want to stop going to the gym..but in these three weeks I have realized that watching guys there makes me want to watch porn or pictures.

So...just be strong friend. I think that what really matters in this situation is to do things naturally...try to enjoy sex with other people and with ourselves but feeling our body and not watching anything.

Good luck!


kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #22 on: November 16, 2015, 12:14:03 AM »
Hey. Thanks so much for reaching out and responding. And it's nice to know there's other gay dudes on here, not that it matters so much, as we're all healing. But still, our situation is a bit unique in some regards.

I totally feel you and beating yourself up for fucking up for a moment.

I must say, I've really turned it around today. Shit happens, and going a long time without porn, MO, etc etc and getting rid of grindr (which was a HUGE game changer for me because I realized that was essentially porn at my fingertips in the name of finding connection and porn like sexual meetups) is still some serious progress. And not worth throwing away because of one bad day.

The work in slipping up, is to use it as valuable information for how shitty we feel afterwards, in comparison to how much energy, confidence, and optimism, I've been feeling during my successful stretches of this reboot.

The main thing is not to watch porn, no matter what. I feel strong that it's been over two months...And while the MO has been periodic, I've gone longer than ever before and am still committed to going for 90 days.

What I'm wondering now, as time goes on, is how will I know I am ready for sex? Anyone else have insight and experience on those first interactions after a reboot/how'd you know if you were ready, we're you freakin out about failure and ED. There is definitely fear that creeps up about sex again. I've been mostly staying on that optimism train of believing in this process, but fuck it seems to move slowly! :)


kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #23 on: November 16, 2015, 12:16:22 AM »
Oh, and your experience with the gym, I totally relate to...And have been wondering about that.

I'd say rather than that turning you on to watch porn, see if it can turn you on in real life. That's what we want.  To get hard with real life people, not computer screens (without being a creep of course). Yes, my gym is full of hot guys too, but it's motivation to feel confident enough to have sex with them :p

Will86

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #24 on: November 16, 2015, 06:09:20 PM »
If by ready to have sex you mean having and maintaining an erection...you will never know. I guess you have to try with someone you feel confident. I am seeing someone and we have been having sex for the last months...I really like him but I can´t tell him about my problem (PIED) I don´t want him to see me as a kind of porn obssessed or pervert...there are days when I can keep my erection if I stimulate myself constantly...but I can´t perform and he asked me once why my penis was soft. It was embarrasing...but other days went better.

So I don´t know...maybe if you feel horny, instead of MO, you could try to meet somenone and try. But I would wait at least three months.

I am angry today because I had a relapse on saturday and I did it again yesterday and today...I feel stupid...like a child who can´t avoid to touch his dick.

And yes, it´s good to know there are gay guys here...we are all men but our triggers and the places we visit are different.