Author Topic: SIX+ YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 33924 times)

jkkk

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Re: 700 Day Update!!
« Reply #50 on: September 27, 2016, 03:49:01 PM »
Beautiful, simply beautiful.

lyon03

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TWO YEARS PORN-FREE
« Reply #51 on: November 02, 2016, 12:06:40 PM »
Hey 'nation. I'm checking in with a quick post on my two year anniversary. Since posting on my thread in the over 40 section, I've received a number of private messages asking about 'the secret' to my success. Mine was a 20+ year addiction that would have killed me. Here is how I made it this far: hit rock bottom October 28, 2014; set a goal (a life without porn) October 29, 2014; posted here daily for my first year; joined a 12-step program for porn addiction (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org); brutal honesty with myself and others; no more isolation/hiding by encouraging fellow rebooters; read EVERYTHING about porn addiction, addiction, and self-improvement; and attacked my addiction from every f*cking angle until I prevailed. There is a member of my 12-step program who also stopped watching porn. Why? Because the police caught him with child pornography and all of his online time is now strictly supervised. This man ended his porn addiction because to relapse would mean going to jail. Why am I sharing this? My addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation almost drove me to commit suicide. So for me the stakes were very clear: porn = death. For my fellow rebooter: porn = jail. We both chose freedom because we didn't have a choice. If you are still struggling with porn addiction, it's time to get very clear about how porn is killing both you and your loved ones. For me, porn addiction was more than just a limp noodle. So recovery for me always meant more than just ending ED. I got very clear in October 2014 and understanding the full consequences of my addictions forced me to deal with them. My 'secret' is that I had two choices, live a porn-free life or die fapping in front of a computer screen. I'm glad I chose life my friends. Things are good and I wish everyone a lifetime without insidious porn addiction. I hope that helps someone get just another minute, hour, day, or week porn-free.  PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

lyon03

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Re: TWO YEARS PORN-FREE
« Reply #52 on: January 06, 2017, 05:11:24 AM »
Happy New Year Reboot Nation! I wish everyone a happy, healthy, and addiction-free 2017. It's been a while between posts so I'm thrilled to provide an update. Tomorrow marks 800 days porn-free for me and life is so much better addiction-free. By way of background, I was a gold-star 20-year porn addict. Before my reboot, which started on October 29, 2014, I would PMO (porn, masturbate, orgasm) three to four hours daily, if not longer. I was addicted to porn, masturbation, and sex (mostly hook ups). While addicted to porn, I suffered from severe erectile dysfunction, insomnia, depression, anxiety, bouts of anger, and a whole host of porn-related problems. While I haven't watched porn for 800 days, in early reboot I struggled with my addictions to masturbation and sex. Now 800 days later, I'm a changed man. I probably MO about 5-6 times a year, most often the day after very passionate sex which I guess is my own form of chaser effect. Most of my life I used masturbation as a stress reliever and quite honestly now I find it pretty boring. I'm also in a long-term and loving relationship with my boyfriend of 4.5 years. While we have an open relationship, as many gay couples do, sex without intimacy is a bit like masturbation...not really worth it.

What I'm about to share is my own personal opinion, based on my own experience. There is no perfect way to reboot in my opinion because we're all different. Now 800 days porn-free, I believe there are two types of recovery from addiction: people who are simply overcoming bad habits like watching porn, drinking, doing drugs etc; and people who use addictions in order to cope with underlying emotional issues. I fall squarely in the latter category. I used porn to hide my homosexuality and I believe my reboot was successful because I'd come out, separated from my wife, and got therapy all before joining this forum. In my case, rebooting would have been impossible had I continued to deny my homosexuality and remained unhappily married to a woman. Once I came out, I'd mostly dealt with the emotional cause of my porn addiction...or I should write gay porn addiction. This then freed me to deal with my porn-induced dopamine addiction starting October 29, 2014.

The other thing I've learned is there is no failure until I give up. While I stopped watching porn in October 2014, my addictions to masturbation and sex took a little more time to overcome. I white-knuckled and went about 100 days (I think) without masturbating and about the same amount of time without hooking up with guys outside of my long-term relationship. It's proven science that we need between 90 to 120 days to break the cycle of addiction so I'm a firm believer in doing at least a "hard 90" to stop an addictive behaviour. However, it took me a while to learn that masturbating or hooking up from time were simply part of my journey, not failures. I could have easily struggled with porn relapsing time and time again but as long as I have a goal and I'm trying, I firmly believe I'm winning. What knocks so many people off the wagon and perhaps off this forum, is the shame associated with relapse. So please don't give up if you're relapsing. Just keep sharing here and attacking your addiction from every angle possible. You'll inevitably prevail. 

One final point I wanted to make is this journey was never about my d*ck. Yes I started my reboot to have lots of porn-like sex, powerful erections, and geyser-like orgasms. Porn conditioned me to see sex the wrong way. How can I explain this? It would be like learning to drive by only watching car chases in action movies. Porn sex and porn bodies are about as close to reality as Hollywood car stunts are to my daily drive. Porn is unattainable fantasy. What I needed was intimacy. Now when I'm having sex, I don't even think about orgasm because I'm enjoying myself so much. Intimacy is about touch, laughter, eye contact and being present among other things. While addicted to porn, I was too focused on body parts rather than intimacy. So my reboot was never about my junk. It was always about my brain.

I'll close this rambling post by sharing that porn was like pea-soup fog. While a porn addict, I was lost and couldn't see anything clearly. Quitting porn was like a fog lifting. But that only exposed the broken landscape of my life. When I started to see my problems more clearly, I could have run back to porn for cover...but didn't. So I guess my closing argument is that quitting porn was just the beginning of a journey to better myself. But ending my addictions put me on a clearer path in life. I recently went back through some of my previous posts. This forum was a huge help in overcoming my lifelong addiction to porn...both through sharing and supporting others. So please keep posting and supporting others no matter what. Your fellow members learn from both ups and downs.  Thanks for reading friends.

PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

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Re: 800 DAYS PORN-FREE
« Reply #53 on: January 06, 2017, 10:08:55 AM »
Good job  :)

lyon03

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Re: 900 DAYS PORN-FREE
« Reply #54 on: April 18, 2017, 06:36:43 AM »
Good day nation! I'm writing with a 900+ day update. I haven't watched porn in 900 days, or roughly 29.5 months, or just about 2.5 years. Here is my first post (Nov 21-14) on this thread:

"On October 30th, I finally said "f*ck this". I've not watched porn since and never will do it again."

Amen to that. I know that my addictions to porn, masturbation, and sex would have led to suicide. So for me reboot was more than just giving up a PMO habit. It was a life or death choice. For anyone struggling with porn addiction, there is hope. There was a time when I couldn't go three minutes without a porn hit. I know because I timed it. And not too long after realizing I couldn't go three minutes without watching x-rated videos on my computer, I stopped watching porn forever. 

Addictions are like rusty bolts...the older and rustier they are, the more effort it takes to wrench those f*ckers loose. Looking back, I have had an addict brain all of my life. My addictions were the unnatural results of my screwed up thinking. There was a time when I needed to post 2-3 times a day here. Why? Because it took that level of effort to learn how to live addiction-free. It was like undoing all of those years I wasted my soul in front of a computer screen. When posting wasn't enough, I joined www.pornaddictsanonymous.org and worked their 12 steps. When that wasn't enough, I got a sponsor. When that wasn't enough, I attended weekly 12-step meetings. When that wasn't enough, I joined a gym. When that wasn't enough, I got therapy. When that wasn't enough, I read everything I could about my addictions. When you're fighting for your life as I was, you don't bring a dull butter knife. You bring a f*cking bazooka.

So I didn't just stop watching porn, I made recovery/reboot my obsession. I adopted a "porn is not an option" attitude and worked my ass off to live porn-free. I blew all of my addictions and my addictive thinking to smithereens. I've spent the last two years breaking myself down and methodically rebuilding myself into an honest, addiction-free man. Why? Because life is too short to live it virtually.

So how are things today? Much better thanks. I'm not going to lie to you. Reboot isn't some magical band aid to change your life. Most people who have spent decades fapping to internet porn don't have the best lives. In fact, my life was pretty sh*tty (just read my thread if you don't believe me). Porn is like a fog and once you stop using porn, yes the fog lifts but only to expose a broken landscape of a life. Then begins the real challenge and we're faced with two choices: go back to porn for comfort or start fixing our lives. I chose the latter.

My life isn't perfect and yes it still has its challenges, but I'm much more capable of facing my problems without having to jerk to internet porn every day just to feel normal. My health is better; I can concentrate; I work harder; I sleep better; sex is much better without a porn movie playing in my head; and I'm more engaged and engaging with people because I'm not giving off a pervy "I watch porn all day long" vibe. 

So that's me at 900 days my friend. If you're still struggling, adopt a "porn is not an option" stance, and keep attacking your addiction until you prevail. Addiction never makes anything nor any relationship better. I hope that helps my friends. Love to all.

PORN IS NOT AN OPTION AND IT'S NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.

lyon03

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Re: 1000 DAYS PORN-FREE
« Reply #55 on: July 26, 2017, 12:27:31 AM »
Good day forum. I'm writing with a 1000-day update. I've now gone 2 years 9 months without porn which is about 1000 days. As I have often shared here, there was a time when I couldn't go three (3) minutes without a porn/screen hit. I know because I timed it. I don't have a great deal of advice to share because each journey is different/unique but I can share that I'm much happier without porn in my life. If you haven't read my thread, here is a brief summary. My dopamine addiction started in my 20s and would have killed me. Before joining this forum and www.pornaddictsanonymous.org, a 12-step programme for porn addiction, I was addicted to porn, sex, and masturbation. I would surf porn for 3-6 hours every day and masturbate daily, often twice daily. In addition to the porn and masturbation, I was also addicted to sex (and a gay sex app called Grindr) so I'd have 1-2 hook ups with men a day. I suffered from severe erectile dysfunction, depression, insomnia, and anxiety to name a few. I was also suicidal. Had I not overcome my addictions, I know for certain that they would have killed me. So reboot/recovery wasn't a choice for me, it was a question of life or death.

When reading over my early posts, it feels a bit like reading a diary from high school. I'm now at a place in my recovery where I'm learning honesty, authenticity, and a self-awareness that I never thought possible. In the past, porn conditioned me to believe that unless I had a perfect body, massive penis, and face of a model, I was somehow unloveable or perhaps undeserving. How sad. Now that I've thrown off the completely false notion that I have to look like a porn star and have sex like a porn star, recovery has allowed me to develop an incredible sense of inner peace and self-awareness. This allows me to connect with people almost instantly. Case in point I've had countless people just say to me spontaneously, "You're a good man" or "I've never worked with someone like you" and so on. I find that complete strangers now grab my hand or touch my shoulder when speaking with me because they somehow feel comfortable around me. Rather than feed my ego, I now get that people are drawn to who I am as a person rather than some false sexual identity I'm putting out there. This is all new to me and a wonderful experience that's spilled over to my love life as well. I've been with the same boyfriend for over five years and our relationship has improved as well. Up until last September, he was closeted with his family and told me he wanted to remain closeted. I told him that I disagreed but respected his decision as I would never live in another man's closet. I left him in June 2016, he told me he wanted to get back together and I did so because I loved him...but on the condition he come out in 90 days (his family all knew anyway). He's been out since last September and we recently went to a family reunion where he put me on his family tree as his partner. I was floored because none of this would have been possible had I not had the self-esteem to stand up for honesty and authenticity in my relationship.

I'll now end this rambling post with my favourite TS Eliot quote: "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." This is where I am today. I have and always will be me. For a time, I needed my addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation to cope. Reboot taught me the skills to live porn-free, but that was just the beginning of my journey. Porn was nothing but a distraction. What I needed to do was find out why I needed porn and then fix that. It's taken A LOT of time and effort to reach the essence of who I am and, most importantly, to truly love that person. I now truly love myself and this beautiful, authentic, and honest self-awareness allows me to connect with the beautiful people in my life, while deftly avoiding those who would put this hard-earned serenity at risk.

Porn was simply the tip of iceberg my friends. What got me to 1000 days porn-free was understanding the 9/10ths of my problems that were under water and dealing with them. Thanks for reading my rambles friends. I wish you all a happy and healthy day porn-free. Love Lyon. 

justsomeguy

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Re: 1000 DAYS PORN-FREE
« Reply #56 on: July 31, 2017, 03:45:44 AM »
What a great story. Thanks so much for sharing! I was having a weak moment, and this thread gave me the confidence not to dip back into P.

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Re: 1000 DAYS PORN-FREE
« Reply #57 on: July 31, 2017, 06:19:21 AM »
Great inspiration, thank you for sharing your achievement.

Maximus76

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Re: 1000 DAYS PORN-FREE
« Reply #58 on: August 02, 2017, 08:09:53 AM »
Such an inspiration...I want to thank you! You are winning!
« Last Edit: August 17, 2017, 11:45:27 AM by Maximus76 »

DV8

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Re: 1000 DAYS PORN-FREE
« Reply #59 on: September 02, 2017, 07:52:01 AM »
What a fantastic sharing. Thank you so much. I see myself being in your position in the future. Free and myself. Cheers
“Should you fail to pilot your own ship, don’t be surprised at what inappropriate port you find yourself docked.”

lyon03

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Re: 1000 DAYS PORN-FREE
« Reply #60 on: September 08, 2017, 10:50:27 AM »
Thanks DV8. I appreciate the shout out brother.

sempervirilis

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Re: 1000 DAYS PORN-FREE
« Reply #61 on: September 20, 2017, 05:15:10 PM »
Your thread was truly inspiring man! Thank you for sharing the full details of your journey. It's incredibly helpful and gives us all hope for the future. Making strides forward now towards clarity and FULL recovery, and reading your post really helped sharpen my mind.

I've spent 10+ years in the fog of porn addiction and have rebooted myself greatly since my own 'rock bottom'. Have had a lot of progress I am very happy with, but looking to really stand on that foundation and take this the whole way. Recently had a string of relapses and scared myself shitless that I would end up back where I was, ruining my relationship and my career...On day 7 of truly a clear mind and hoping to one day write my own 1000 days PMO free. Cheers buddy and thanks for sharing.

lyon03

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Re: 1000 DAYS PORN-FREE
« Reply #62 on: September 21, 2017, 01:53:11 AM »
Thanks for posting brother. I'm now counting down to 3 years porn-free which I'll celebrate on October 30th, 2017. It's been one hell of a journey, but I wouldn't change a thing. Best of luck with your own reboot my friend.

lyon03

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Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
« Reply #63 on: October 30, 2017, 07:14:39 AM »
Three years + 1 day porn-free: Thank you everyone for your well wishes. I couldn't have made it this far without your love and support. Here is my very first post:

"Here is my story: 42 years old, first discovered porn/masturbation around age 12, went from magazines, to video, paid streaming porn, then free and highly addictive porn sites. What was a flirtation became a full-on obsession in 1994 and heroin-like addiction in 2005. I'm starting this journal on day 23 of my recovery with a goal of hitting 90 days initially before stopping forever. My addiction has now cost me: my career, my business, my marriage, and was well along to destroying my relationship with my three kids. On October 30th, I finally said "f*ck this". I've not watched porn since and never will do it again. I've started a reboot with no-fap and no television. I've also read pretty much everything I could about my addiction, namely it's harder to give up than meth. (Scary!) But there are temptations, particularly in the form of rock-hard erections at night and geyser-like pressure because I haven't had an orgasm in roughly two weeks. I'll post daily to keep motivated. Glad to have found this site and very happy to share with others."

My addictions are like icebergs: 9/10ths of my real problems were below water. I reckon porn was just the visible tip. After all, I had recovered from my porn addiction in just a few months but I still felt an overwhelming need to use some other "crutch" to manage my emotions. So the hard work began post-porn addiction. That's when I didn't have anything to distract me from working on the root causes of my addictions to porn, masturbation, and sex. And these root causes were fear, shame, and a total lack of self-esteem.

I believe porn was nothing but a drug, a distraction from my real problems. So what I'm about to share is how I overcame my porn addiction and remained porn-free for the past three years. I'm going to divide this into three phases: phase 1 was when I stopped porn; phase 2 was when I addressed the root causes of my addictions; and phase 3 was about bettering myself (or becoming the man I truly wanted to be).

PHASE 1: REBOOT (3-4 months)

I did the classic "hard 90" which I believe was more like the "hard 100." That meant no porn nor masturbation for the first 100 days. Here is how I made it through the first 3+ months porn-free:

1. Adopted a 'PORN IS NOT AN OPTION' mentality
2. Posted here daily, almost to the point that recovery became a new addiction
3. Joined www.pornddictsanonymous.org (or "PAA"), a 12-step program for porn addiction
4. Through PAA got a sponsor and sobriety buddies to contact in case I felt triggered or close to relapse
5. Exercised daily
6. Gave up TV
7. Read "Your Brain on Porn"

PHASE 2: EMOTIONAL REBOOT (first 18 months)

This was the most challenging part of my reboot. Why? For some reason, I never really learned to properly feel nor express my emotions. I was completely incapable of just honestly experiencing and sharing my feelings. From a very young age, I denied my emotions which caused me a lot of self-hatred, pain, and shame. Later when these negative feelings risked overwhelming me, I'd turn to food, TV, then later porn and sex to artificially "feel better." While porn initially made me feel better, over time it just made me feel worse due to porn-induced f*cked up brain chemistry (insomnia & anxiety for example), deep depression, and PIED/erectile dysfunction. This is how I made it through my emotional reboot:

1. Healthy living: exercise, sleep, and eating well.
2. Therapy: I found an incredible therapist and did about six months of regular therapy.
3. Reading: Books like "Breaking the Cycle" about addiction and "Loving What Is" to re-learn how to express my feelings to avoid falling back into denial.
4. Coming out: I came out as gay to my (then) wife, my parents, sister, and extended family.
5. Improving Relationships: I separated and divorced from my wife, met a boyfriend (now together 5+ years), and started the slow process of detaching from everything toxic in my life.

PHASE 3: SELF-IMPROVEMENT (1.5 years porn-free to today)

This is where I am today. I see this phase as a period of self-improvement. As a recovering addict and formerly closeted gay man, I'm trying to find the inner strength to live a happy and fulfilling life. While in active addiction, it was all about trying to find happiness via external means. For example, the first four years of my new (gay) relationship were very rocky because I wanted my boyfriend to love me; an impossible task because I was incapable of loving myself. I've spent most of my life hating myself for being gay while also feeling resentment towards others, mainly because I wanted what they had or I wanted them to do for me what I was incapable of doing myself. In the past, I just gave off this "fix me!!!" aura whereas now I'm slowly learning to fix myself. This is how I'm working through my current recovery phase:

1. Healthy living: exercise, sleep, and eating well.
2. Healthy relationships: I read "The Velvet Rage" which is the best book about the coming out process and then worked very hard on self-acceptance. For a time I joined CODA (co-dependents anonymous) to get over my lifelong people-pleasing. This helped me lovingly detach from all the toxic people in my life while also detaching from my toxic thinking.
3. Fear Management: I'm currently working through a hit list of lifelong fears in an attempt to better myself. For example, I've always feared violent team sports so I joined a gay rugby team in a nearby city. It's been painful but ultimately a great experience.
4. Self-Esteem/Integrity: I read and re-read "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" and "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" to re-learn the value of honesty, integrity, and hard-work. These books also helped me with communication and boundary setting. For example, now that I can pro-actively set boundaries in my personal relationships, like with my boyfriend, I'm much happier.

I want to stress that I'm not the perfect rebooter, so my recovery from addictions to porn, masturbation, and sex has been rocky at times. I've detailed a lot of these struggles in previous posts. For example, I can still lose myself in Facebook or YouTube. This is something I need to monitor because losing myself in screens can look a lot like a porn substitute. After decades of darting around the internet, I continue to have trouble concentrating. This has negatively impacted my business (I'm self employed). And under the guise of an "open relationship", I have often used anonymous sex/hook ups to avoid feeling negative emotions (such as loneliness and fear). So yes the road to recovery is rocky, but these secondary problems (or middle circle behaviours as we call them in 12-step programs) continue to melt away. So I feel I'm on the right track.

Thanks for reading my rambles friends. I also wanted to thank Gabe Deem and all of you for making Reboot Nation such an integral part of my recovery from porn addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

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Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
« Reply #64 on: April 30, 2018, 11:24:06 AM »
Congratulations lyon03, that's really impressive stuff! I hope to be able to put up a similar post in due course. Like yourself, I'm sure my addiction to porn has been as a crutch to hide issues I didn't want to deal with and, like yourself, therapy has been hugely helpful to me.

I'm on day 100 or so, and it's all good. Thanks for putting up your story, it's great motivation to keep going. :)

Karzam

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Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
« Reply #65 on: May 10, 2018, 12:37:56 PM »
 no longer an option good idea! Wanna to try it!

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Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
« Reply #66 on: May 20, 2018, 12:19:49 PM »
Fucking God, what a legend!

@lyon03 you're a big inspiration to all of us!

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FOUR YEARS PORN-FREE!
« Reply #67 on: October 28, 2018, 11:22:56 AM »
Hey friends! Tomorrow will be 4 years porn-free. Life is so much better without porn. Keep fighting the good fight. Want more information? Just read my threads.

lyon03

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Re: SIX+ YEARS PORN-FREE!
« Reply #68 on: November 11, 2020, 05:41:55 AM »
Hey nation! I recently celebrated 6 years porn-free. I'm thrilled to no longer be a slave to sex, pornography, and masturbation. I didn't stop watching porn because of some higher purpose or lofty goal. I stopped watching because I'd hit rock bottom and was so addicted to porn that I'd taken to surfing porn and gay hook up apps WHILE DRIVING! After several near-miss head-on collisions, I (reluctantly) joined this forum but quickly adopted a 'PORN IS NOT AN OPTION' mentality. Thanks to my time here, thanks to RN's supportive members, and thanks to joining www.pornaddictsanonymous.org, I made it 6 years without porn. If you want to read about how I did it, please see my thread on the 40+ year old forum. Take care friends! Love, Lyon.   

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Re: SIX+ YEARS PORN-FREE!
« Reply #69 on: November 13, 2020, 03:06:28 PM »
Lyon,
You are an inspiration.  I am so glad you are true to yourself and have committed a lifestyle that is healthy.  Giving up porn has clearly been a great commitment in your life.
I am so glad you keep posting here as well.  Not enough people follow up with this community after finding success.
Good luck with everything!

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Re: SIX+ YEARS PORN-FREE!
« Reply #70 on: November 16, 2020, 04:44:00 PM »
Thanks Lyon,

I have only read your first post but it was very inspiring and gives me the courage to keep moving forward. This is the first post I have made too as I only recently joined the forum but I wanted to posted something and contribute and show my support. Because I also need support and a community.

I hope things are still going well

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Re: SIX+ YEARS PORN-FREE!
« Reply #71 on: December 25, 2020, 01:21:03 PM »
This is such a great thread. Thank you Lyon.

I do have a question. I moved from straight softcore porn to hardcore to orgies and gangbangs to gay porn. I am not sure I am gay but given my porn proclivities lately i do wonder.

How did you figure out you were gay and it was not just your porn fantasies?

I am also in a marriage with kids and struggling with PMO which is destroying my otherwise very nice life.