Author Topic: David S Journal  (Read 11433 times)

davesaint86

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David S Journal
« on: December 24, 2014, 01:49:18 PM »
My Father introduced me to porn when I was six.  He threw a Playboy at me and told me to look at the naked broads.  From that point I loved looking a naked women.  I was introduced to Internet porn in my 20's.  Internet Porn (first pictures than videos) change everything for me.  I could not get enough.  I had a real high sex drive at the time even though I was married and was getting it a lot at home.  I wanted more mainly different women.  I could have these different women by watching porn.  Fast-forward 20 years.  I have a new GF that I'm actually in love with.  I want to marry her.  I've been able to mask my porn induced ED by using viagara and other medicines.  My new GF has a insatiable sex drive.  I love her so much I do not want to lose her.  In the past I made it almost 3 months without viewing porn.  I got stressed out and started up again.  I'm now to the point where I feel empty inside and I do not what to feel this way.  I need support getting through this.  Thank you!  Any suggestions for those that have been going through this will be appreciated.

Day 1 - So far so good.  I'm not stressed.  It's Christmas Eve.  I will be spending Christmas Eve with my GF.  I know hard times are coming and I will have withdrawals and I pray to God that he helps me through the withdrawals.  I wish everyone a Merry Christmas. 

Steve

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2014, 02:50:23 PM »
David.....the first steps to freedom are choosing a direction and moving ahead despite the unpleasant obstacles ahead. Addictions are not fun and there are no shortcuts. You ARE heading in the right direction.

One thing that I have learned from those that post here and the experts is that the dopamine high gives you a false sense of horniness. It is not your body naturally telling you to be aroused it's the artificial stimulus of porn (the Pavlovian effect) that makes you think you are horny...really you are just looking for that dopamine fix.  The touch, smell and taste of a woman should be the only thing that excites your senses and brings the rise in horniness. (Easy for me to say as the guy who isn't getting any...lol)

Stopping PMO are about doing what is right for YOU first and then through this healing and recovery process will benefit your gf too. I've struggled with the thoughts of taking meds to get me hard to be with a girl...it seems to mask my problem and I'm not sure if my confidence will go down because I'm not doing it on my own drug-free.  Tough decisions but individual to each of us, no right or wrong answer.

Be present, tender, loving and caring in your relationship and you will capture her heart forever regardless of the strength of your penis. In time it will come back around but take your time to discover the true pleasures that you have missed out on since being introduced to porn. Withdrawls are inevitable and on many different levels but stay strong, committed and purposeful in your journey. Merry Christmas, Dave!

davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2014, 11:40:58 AM »
Thank you Steve!

davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2014, 11:42:41 AM »
Day 3 - I'm doing great so far.  Spent Christmas with my GF.  I'm feeling a little antsy.  However, I do not feel the urge to watch porn.  I'm going Skiing tomorrow.

davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2014, 06:11:10 PM »
Day 6 - Still doing great.  I went skiing in the mountains Sat and Sun.  I've just been trying to keep busy and concentrate on the love I have for my GF.  I plan on proposing to her New Years Eve or New Years Day.  I had successful sex with last night and this morning.  Twice in less than 8 hours.  I like where this is going.  I haven't been able to have sex two times within a 24 hour period in geez I do not know how many years.  I'm going skiing by myself tomorrow and my New Fiance and I will plan on going again on New Years Day and then Sunday.  I'm cautiously optimistic.  Thanks everyone.  This site does help.  I don't feel alone with this.


davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2014, 07:48:42 PM »
Day 7 - Woke up with MW this morning which is awesome.  Kept busy and took my last ski lesson today.

davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2015, 01:30:25 PM »
Jan 3 - Day 11-I've been a little stressed out.  Yesterday PMO entered my mind and I quickly exited it out of my mind.  I've been wondering why I'm able to sexually function now 75% of the time without the blue pill.  I'm wondering if it is because even though I'm on Day 11 I had about a two week relapse.  I was PMO free from about 9/25 or so up until a couple of weeks before Christmas.  Before that I would go a month with it and 3 or so months without it.  The one thing I noticed is that the PMO seemed to be stressed-induced.  I think that is why it's so important to keep busy and do positive things and even use self-talk and clear your mind of PMO when it enters it.  I'm being tested right now.  I love this group.  Stay positive and PMO free.  I also think what has helped me is my fiance.  Even though this is my addiction and I own it, I want to be everything to her.  I never loved someone as much as I love her.  I know PMO is destructive.  My Father and brother are alcoholics.  I've seen them destroyed their families.  I do not want to destroy what I have.  It's time to step up and beat this thing once in for all.

lyon03

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2015, 02:42:13 PM »
Hey brother. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to following your journey. During my early recovery, for the first month I was obsessed with my d*ck, morning wood, will it work again etc. Love and intimacy are all about being 100% present for your partner. She's marrying you, not your c*ck. Focus on staying PMO free and being a better man and your junk will heal/follow. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2015, 03:09:58 PM »
Thank you Lyon!!!

lyon03

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2015, 03:23:04 PM »
My pleasure. When you start obsessing about porn or your penis, counter it by reading Gary Wilson's excellent book, 'Your Brain on Porn'. Stay strong.

davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2015, 09:11:10 PM »
Day 20 - Life is awesome right now.  Why?  Because I'm still porn free.  I'm pretty sure I'm going through the flatlining process.  It started around day 14.  My fiance and I have sex normally almost every day.  A few days ago is the first time sex hasn't worked with Viagra.  Either of us were disappointed.  I did have sex yesterday.  However the erection was not strong as normal.  This is why I think I might be flatlining a bit.  From what I think I read it usually lasts a couple of weeks.  Now on to how I'm feeling.  My fiance put her house up for sale so we are in the process of getting her house ready to sell and me making room for her stuff.  Things are a little stressful right now.  It seems like when I'm stressed porn enters my mind easily.  As soon as I think of porn I change my though pattern and usually think loving thoughts of my fiance or something work related.  This helps me a lot.  Porn is negative so I try to squash the negative thoughts.  Anyways, still porn free.  By the way when I was cleaning out my desk I found about 5 porn CD's that I received in the mail years ago.  I threw them right in the trash after bending them in two.  Thank you all!!!

Poker

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #11 on: January 14, 2015, 02:42:23 AM »
This is one of the journals that has affected me...  I want you beat this.  I am happy to hear you're in a great relationship.

I have tons I want to add but its late here...  Can't stay awake.

Be strong...  Eye on the prize, always!

Cheers,

p.

lyon03

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #12 on: January 14, 2015, 05:19:19 AM »
Thanks for sharing Dave. How refreshing to read about new love and couples growing closer. Don't worry too much about your equipment: I tend to the think obsession feeds addiction. Good luck with the move and sharing your space! Be strong brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #13 on: January 19, 2015, 05:54:07 PM »
Day 26 - I've had a real strong urge to PMO today.  That is why I've accessed this site today.  I haven't and don't plan on falling.  I'm telling you all for me it's all stress related.  Just like others with other addictions we feel we need our fix to makes things better.  However, things do not get better.  You just crave more and more.  Anyways, I will not falter today.

Dave

Dharmabum

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #14 on: January 22, 2015, 08:05:59 AM »
Keep going, Dave.  Temptations will always be there, but each time we say "no thanks", they get a little weaker. 


davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #15 on: January 30, 2015, 08:15:36 PM »
Day 37 - No change with my situation.  Still PMO free.  Question - I'm engaged to be married and will be getting married in May.  My fiance wanted to know if I wanted to play around and take pictures of her.  Nudes of course.  I love and only have eyes for her.  We are intimate virtually on a daily basis.  Would taking and looking at the pictures affect my recovery?


ready2go

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #16 on: January 31, 2015, 02:39:39 AM »
Dave I don't now the answer to your question, but I have one for you.  Does your fiancĂ© know of your addiction and recovery?  My guess is that having those photos around could trigger something more serious.  I think it would for me anyway.  You may be differerntly wired.


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davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #17 on: February 03, 2015, 08:01:05 PM »
Ready to Go - I just told her last night.  She says she totally supports me and doesn't want to setback my progress.  Truthfully I'm totally 100% committed to her and her only.  If I even catch myself glancing at another woman I immediately look away and picture my lady.


D

davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #18 on: February 03, 2015, 08:07:52 PM »
Day 41 - Still PMO free.  When I was young I felt like I had a mind/penis connection.  That fell by the wayside.  Was it due to porn?  Probably didn't help.  Anyways it has really been stirring in my pants over the last week so I'm cautiously optimistic that my libido/erections are improving.  I even had sex twice within 5 hours last night and I was hard both times.  I like where this is going.

davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #19 on: February 17, 2015, 09:03:54 PM »
Day 55 - Still PMO free.  I feel like I've run into a minor setback.  It seems like I might be flatlining again.  Is this normal at day 55.  A few weeks ago I felt like I was getting my mojo back.  The last week I've been having trouble getting and keeping erections. 

Jimmy James

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #20 on: February 18, 2015, 06:21:57 AM »
A flatline is not a setback.  It's all part of the non-linear recovery process.

davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #21 on: March 02, 2015, 09:49:54 PM »
Day 68 - Still PMO free.  I do not even have urges to PMO it seems.  I'm still just concentrating on my relationship with me finance.  She just texted me, "You have exceeded all of my expectations that I could ever have, you are the most wonderful man in the world, I love you so much!!!.  My response, "It's called love and me giving more of myself than taking in order to make you happy is the new unselfish David who loves you dearly and who desperately wants to fly right.  Join me babe and we can fly right together as one."  I'm a very happy man.  I feel truly blessed. 

Dave

Jimmy James

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #22 on: March 03, 2015, 06:21:52 AM »
That's great, Dave.

davesaint86

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #23 on: March 23, 2015, 09:14:13 PM »
Day 89 - Still PMO free.  I haven't had any urges for PMO since day 68.   I'm still just concentrating on my relationship with me finance.  I'm getting married in May.  I now pray everyday to stay PMO and pray God leads me to be the man he wants me to be.  I do not believe in shoving religion down someones throat.  However, with that said I'm the happiest by far I've ever been in my life since I've recommitted myself to God.  I'm trying to fly right.  I was a scumbag for so long I lost my way.  You people are the best.  I commend both of those that are succeeding and ones who have failed but are trying to get back on track.  My best advice still is think once for change about how your actions affect others and yourself.  Step up and do something about it.  Ask for help.  When you get the urge, jump on this site.  Immediately get porn out of your mind.  Think of doing something else positive like exercising or something.  Stay the course and beat this thing not your meat, lol (Sorry had to say it).

Dave

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Re: David S Journal
« Reply #24 on: March 26, 2015, 05:10:28 AM »
Great work, Dave.  Keep going - you're doing it!