6 YEARS PORN-FREE!

[Patrick]

Thanks lyon for this awesome post. I'm so happy for you! You're a wonderful man and letting your love shine and your light radiate is a blessing for all of us. Have a good one.

[lyon03]

Day 72 (cont'd): End of the work day here in Europe. Off to have dinner with my ex-wife and kids. Can't wait to see them as it's been a few days. The struggle these days is less about fighting the porn addiction and more about getting back to work. A semi-productive work day today, but not breaking any productivity records just yet. I guess that will be my phase II goal. Have a good weekend Rebooters. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

[lyon03]

Day 73: Good morning from war-torn Europe. All clean/sober here on the Old Continent. I realized my 90-day Reboot will end on my birthday. That reduced me to tears yesterday. Just when you thought you couldn't cry any more, Niagara Falls! With that realization, I feel an overwhelming need to move from virtual recovery (via obsessively posting on this website) to a more real-world recovery. I think I've posted pretty much every single thought my brain could throw at me here, so I'm going to post a bit less, or perhaps more succinctly, and make real life my glorious new obsession. That means love, family, work, and healthy living. I will still of course follow your threads as your posts/sharing help me understand my addiction. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes an army to heal a porn addict. Off to the gym then brunch with my ex-wife and kids. Be well everyone. LIFE IS INDEED BEAUTIFUL. 

[ntg]

Sounds good lyon.  I think it's a definite step in the right direction to get more involved in your real life, than to just post on here.  Be well brother, and let us know if you need anything.  Stay strong.  I'm right behind you 

[Dharmabum]

In a very unexpected way, Day 90 could be your best birthday ever, my friend. 

Keep going, and thank you for the constant effort you make to inspire and encourage others, me included. 

[ianmac]

Been reading your journal (up to your Day 34 so far).  I'm really amazed and encouraged by your story and progress.  You're not only helping yourself, but others here also.  Thank you, Lyon.

P.S.  Also at your recommendation, I'm over 1/3 of the way through Gary's YBOP book.

[lyon03]

Day 74: Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Very (read: heavy) early here in Europe. I just leapt out of bed this morning because I had so much to do/accomplish. In keeping with my plan to live a real and fulfilling life, rather than living virtually (through screens), I'm going to post shorter, more succinct, messages. I was simply exchanging a porn obsession for a forum/recovery obsession. "Brevity is the soul of wit." The 24-hour period Friday night to Saturday showed me what my future life paradigm will be. In 24 hours I: had dinner with my ex-wife and kids; then brunch with them the following morning; worked out twice; started re-furnishing/renovating my apartment; took my youngest son to the swimming pool (just father/son); and took my daughter +niece out to dinner/bowling. All this and not a whiff of tension between my ex-wife and me. Life is so much better without porn and I must admit it's truly better to live early recovery without the porn/d*ck/sex obsessions as well. Today I'm starting another counter and another goal. I need to get back to working regularly. So I now have until my birthday (Jan 28/15) to start working a regular 8-hour day. That starts today. While I've worked hard on my recovery, that was just to get my head above water so to speak. Now I'm just a normal dad who has to re-start the process of becoming an extraordinary person. That started yesterday and will continue for the rest of my life. Time to get off my beloved forum my friends and start my new journey to being Mr. Fabulous. Be strong nation. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.   

[Poker]

Given the choice....  a board recovery obsession is infinitely better than a PMO obsession.....  and the upside, you're an absolute inspiration to so many people.....   Not just because you're recovering from a PMO addiction, but you acknowledged your issues ran deeper than that, and you're changing your whole life..... 

So many people think that just by stopping porn, that everything is going to change.  And while it's true, porn causes real problems in people's lives, there is a reason why myself and so many others relied on it as a crutch.  So many people miss the 'root cause' that sent them down this road.

While I don't want to impede your progress by asking....  please feel free to post often.  You encourage so many people here.  I wish that I had the ambition on most days to be as supportive as you are to so many.

Cheers,

p.

[Dharmabum]

Lyon:  "Now I'm just a normal dad who has to re-start the process of becoming an extraordinary person"

You've already started that journey, my friend.  Extraordinary dad, extraordinary person - I see that in your present and future.

But to echo Poker, yes, please come back and post often.  Living offline is a great thing and a lot of us strive to do so, but (selfishly) your posts and prompts have really helped a LOT of us.  You're whipsmart, you're encouraging, you're positive, and you have great empathy for your fellow addicts.  We need you around here, but only on your terms, of course.  Drop in, check in, stay connected, but do what you need to be that extraordinary person, first and foremost.  Wherever the journey takes you, but we're here when you need us or want to check in. 

Be well, and here's to an amazing year for you, my friend.

[chiefmitch88]

I connect with your reboot/recovery obsession Lyon. I have/had it too. I had an awakening about my obsessions and compulsions. I realized that I id not have to oblige that line of thinking. I think I wanted everyone to feel sympathy for me and my addict story. Just part of my self-centered addict attitude I suppose. Don't let this forum be a time waster or an escape from focusing on the neverending list of things we must do as providers and good men. Use it as a place to recharge, rest, and connect with your brothers before conquering your next summit. I have no doubt that greatness awaits you.

[lyon03]

Day 75: Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Still PMO-free here in Europe. In fact, I now feel like my former addict-self was someone else. For everyone struggling with early recovery, my first 30 days were absolute hell. Shaky legs, flu-like symptoms, night sweats, spontaneous boners, and raging hormones/emotions. It was like a combination of puberty with a bad cold. My withdrawal faded around the 45-day mark, but I was then confronted with the more difficult task of managing the emotional side of recovery. I can now see this is where I was most vulnerable. Remove the drug and all the pent-up emotions that resulted in my decades-long addiction come to the surface. When I reach 90 days (on my birthday coincidentally), I'll post in greater detail about how exactly I did it. But I feel that to have sustained recovery, I had to start dealing with all the emotional sh*t that got me here. That took me to some very dark and painful places although thankfully I didn't have to go through it alone. As I start fresh this Monday morning, I realize every day can be a new day and a fresh start. Yes we may have lingering issues with careers, debts, etc. But these problems are largely in our heads and part of our history. In 2014, I finally confronted my addiction, divorce, coming out, and eventually renewal. Any one of these things alone could have killed me, but I made it because of a rock-hard foundation poured with the best concrete: the truth. I'll write more tomorrow and wish everyone a happy and addiction-free day.

 

[Poker]

[lyon03]

UPDATE: What a roller coaster! If you ever underestimated your mind's ability to f*ck with you, read on. As I previously posted, now in early recovery from my porn addiction, I am currently trying to focus on rebuilding my business. (This is less about business/money/success, and more about my damaged self-esteem.) Looking at my past history, I have a lifelong habit of self-destructing. I would both succeed and fail rather spectacularly. Now when any form of success is near, be it personal or financial, I deliberately and consistently f*ck it up. So I treated this problem like I treated my porn addiction. I've read up on it, came up with a strategy, and today was ready to execute. The problem is simple. In my heart of hearts, I never believed I deserved happiness and success because I have such a low opinion of myself. In short, I truly thought I sucked. Addiction and low self-esteem are clearly linked in my opinion, feeding one another. In my family, there are generations of alcoholics on my mother's side. Like me, these men were also: charismatic, creative, intelligent, and completely unsure of themselves. While I chose porn/sex rather than booze, it's addiction all the same. It's running from the pain. Unlike addiction, however, these problems are genetic. So my biggest internal battle yet is over self-esteem/self-confidence. Little did I know the porn-reboot-like proportions it would take on today. So day 1 of "operation feel good" started strongly. Then it quickly degenerated. Here is the chronology:

9:30 a.m. Just when I was thinking, "Wow, this is the most focused I've been at work in years. I feel great!" WHAM! I get the biggest migraine I've ever had.
9:45 a.m. Quick trip to the pharmacy to buy some anti-migraine medication that normally helps.
10:00 a.m. No dice. The medication did nothing. The migraine came on full force. This wasn't just a minor headache. This was a 5-alarm-core-breach-knitting-needle-through-the-back-of-my-f*cking-eye type migraine. As if the migraine wasn't bad enough....
10:15 I then got the shakes, could NOT warm up, and went home to lie down (my office is next to my apartment.) I was fully clothed, under three layers of covers, and still shaking.
10:30 Tried to sleep in a dark room. This is the only way to beat a migraine.
11:00 As if it couldn't get worse, I then started throwing up. It was like full-on heroin withdrawal.
12:30 Shaky recovery. No more headache. Just a "what the f*ck just happened?" feeling.

This wasn't a walk in the park but strangely I LOVED the pain. As I learned during PMO withdrawal, I know that PAIN = HEALING. Clearly my new attitude cut off something my brain needed so it threw everything it had at me. And I survived! Even when I was dry heaving because I had nothing left (sorry for that visual), I was saying, "Bring it on motherf*cker!" I know that sounds f*cked up but I know I'm healing something else and pain is just part of that. My brain was so used to me feeling like sh*t, it was like the most addictive drug possible. Clearly more addictive that porn. When I cut that drug off this morning, my brain went postal. The scariest thing happened during the worst of my migraine. The pain was so bad, it was as if a rat was munching away on the left front side of my brain. I then thought to myself, "I'll do anything to make this pain go away." Bingo! That's when it dawned on me. That's addiction. My addictions dulled the pain, while killing me at the same time. Now I'm fine. All of this happened in my own mind over a three-hour period. Scary isn't it? My morning meltdown showed me I can now take anything and everything my mind throws at me. HEALING IS A F*CKING OPTION. I'm never going to give up. I'm going to fight like hell for the life I deserve. Back to work...and perhaps round 2, 3, or 4! 


   

[Phase2]

Way to go Lyon. You crossed a big bridge today. Hang tough, man you are getting stronger every day!

[chiefmitch88]

These migraines are a regular occurrence Lyon? I'm concerned that there might be health issues involved. I don't mean to scare you but my uncle had an anurism and experienced symptoms very similar to yours. Take care of yourself.

[lyon03]

Way to liven it up Chief! Thanks for your support/caring friends. I get migraines about every 2 years, usually due to stress. Today I know it was just my brain f*cking with me. But if it's an aneurism CMitch, I owe you a beer! Be well brothers.

[lyon03]

Day 75 (cont'd): So much for my efforts to post less and more succinctly. Well it's my thread, so my rules brothers! What a difference a day makes. I started off bright and early with great intentions, then my existential/migraine barf-o-rama crisis (read above), and now capping off one of my best sales days in years. Call it what you may, but reboot is anything but dull. I worked hard-ish let's call it. So I got the results, but was still a bit distracted. I have to thank everyone for reading, posting encouragement, and so honestly sharing. Post-crisis today, my first reaction would have been to have a nice long PMO session. Today my first reaction was to check in here and share my experiences. It's a welcome and wonderful change. Tomorrow I'm having dinner with my boyfriend and some friends. Then I'm staying over at his place (grrrrrr). While I'm getting better at controlling my sexual urges, it would be an understatement to write that I'm looking forward to seeing him. Be well my friends. SCHIZOID-INDUCED MIGRAINES ARE NOT AN OPTION (inside joke if you haven't read my last posts). 

[savingmysoul]

glad to hear you are feeling better - those things are no fun.

[Bestyear2015]

I can relate to what your saying about loving the pain. I now view it as something that is gonna catapult me to the next level. Its so weird to think this way, when you tackle pain head on without resorting to a quick fix it makes you feel stronger, more confident and on top of the world when you have overcome. Keep it up!

[Patrick]

Hey Lyon, Thanks for sharing, what an amazing story! I used to believe that pain should be avoided at all costs and that people who thought different were masochists in disguise. Through withdrawal I realised that pain does make you stronger, so I can totally relate to your bring-it-on attitude. If your brain f*cks with you, you have to turn it around and punch the motherf*cker in the face - hard. Well done, mate. We can do it!

[lyon03]

Day 76: Thanks everyone for your kind posts of encouragement. Had a great sleep last night and no urge whatsoever to PMO. I also started the day by working for an hour and then came here. I have to start putting first priorities first. I am astounded at what happened yesterday, namely the power of the mind. Stupefying really that the entire episode was my brain creating a physical reaction (migraine/vomiting/shivers) simply because I consciously stopped hating myself. I prefer to see it like porn withdrawal which also caused flu-like symptoms, aches, night shakes, head rushes, and boners. Rather than fear this power, I prefer to see it as an opportunity. Rather than focus all of my physical and mental energies into self-hatred and addiction (both negative), today I start to harness that raw energy towards achieving my life's goals. The next 48 hours are going to be great. I'm hosting my kids for lunch, then dinner with my boyfriend, overnight at his place (grrr), then tomorrow night a swanky consular cocktail reception. While I am trying to keep this thread positive, I am still and always will be a recovering porn addict. So I also wanted to send a shout out to everyone struggling with PMO addiction. Yes it isn't a walk in the park, however we are greater than our addictions. Once I let go of the guilt/shame/self-hatred, I started my journey to become a better person. Be well nation, PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

   


 

[Poker]

Wow...  Never a dull moment over there.

Glad you bounced back.  You're a different man that you were a year ago.  Great job!

Cheers,

p.

[Dharmabum]

Your journey is quite remarkable, Lyon.  Thanks for sharing.  Yes, the idea that the pain was healing because you didn't try to escape from it is a powerful one and one we can all learn from. 

We're all racing away from the slightest discomfort - it's a human thing to do.  But to face it, to dwell in it and let it have sway over you until its done…well, that's like standing in the storm and surviving it.  So, congrats.  Sorry you had to endure that, but congrats for handling it so well and for an attitude that shows remarkable strength and courage.

And I'm glad you changed your rules about posting.  We were all going to miss you if you up and disappeared on us.  ;-)

Welcome back. 

[lyon03]

And I'm glad you changed your rules about posting.  We were all going to miss you if you up and disappeared on us.  ;-)

Charmer! Well yesterday's barf-o-rama certainly exorcised something. Given my work performance yesterday afternoon and all-day today, I'm a new man. I haven't worked this hard and this focused in years. It's heaven. And to top it all off, I'm about to leave for dinner with at my BF's house with some friends. I can only assume yesterday (read what happened above) was my addiction's last stand. Well I won. Not every day is going to be rainbows and unicorns, but what a relief to no longer be the same hopeless, PMO loser I was 76 days ago. I couldn't have made it this far without the love and support of everyone on this site. Your shares, encouragement, and b*lls out compassion not only saved me, but will continue to sustain me through recovery.

Be well everyone. LIFE IS INDEED BEAUTIFUL. 

[Poker]

Pain serves a purpose in life...  While it is not pleasant, it is one of life's greatest teachers.

As always, wish you the best

p.