Let's rewire. This time for real.

[Innocence]

Hello everyone

First off I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this journal.

When I was young I had been diagnosed with ADD and anxiety disorder which always has been a challenge for me.
When I was on elementary school, teachers just said I couldn't do anything. None of them had hope in me and being an introvert made it only worse.

My first time watching was when I was in elementary school. It first began as an innocent yet exciting thing to watch after school.
At that time I was 11, I never saw a bad thing in it, not even aware it could become such an addiction.

The thing is, when I had my first relationship, around the age of 15. I had those mad butterflies, that warm feeling rushing through my body by just holding hands or receiving a hug.
After the relation went dead after ±5 months, I became desperate, I missed someone to hold and to love.
I began watching porn more frequently again and I began to feel less emotional. But as long as I had my games and porn, it was going alright.
Of course, I still felt lonely, but I'm really the kind of guy who prefers to chat with girls, not for perverted reasons but because I always thought I could have better chats with them.

To my luck, I found another girl online after months, she was really sweet and beautiful.
After we had met an insecurity in me began to grow. I was totally attracted to her, yet that warm fuzzy feeling never came up.

Everything that I did with her sexually always turned me on, but on a quick notice, it all went away quickly too.
I always tried to do something new to keep myself in the mood, yet that didn't always work out and I felt ashamed.
That girl, I loved so much, was all I wanted, yet I felt something was blocking my true feelings.

After that relation had fallen apart, I used to date again. Yet every girl I met had failed to give me a warm feeling or any sign of arousal.
Even when I had another relation, she failed to always get me turned on, I always blamed it on my insecurity or anxiety disorder for being nervous.

After that, I realized something had to be wrong, I began googling on and on until I stumbled across an article about ED. I began to read it and arrived at yourbainonporn.
When I had read a lot of information, watched videos and read some blogs. It began to become clear to me, I was addicted to porn and it was making my brain numb.

Sometimes I just quit for a week, but I couldn't stand the urge under stress to watch some anyway, or something had really turned me on.
The thing was, once I had masturbated, a second time came, a third time came and I found myself even after 1 day to be addicted again.
I gave up, I thought it probably wasn't the porn after all.
As I continued, everything pretty much staid the same, but as I began growing more confident I thought these issues would go away.
They did not. After months, I came back to yourbrainonporn, I read a blog, that completely inspired me and I could find myself in it.

Since that moment, I've stopped watching porn and stopped masturbating.
This was on the first of October.

Now I'm on my 11th day of no-fap and not watching porn.

Sometimes it can be pretty difficult, just wanting to relieve some stress, but I know I'm working towards a better future.
In general, I haven't noticed a lot of big difference, but I don't think that's weird as I just have started.

Peace!

[Innocence]

[Day 12]
Last night I had a strange dream for the first time since rebooting.
I can barley remember it but images of breasts were flashing through my mind!
It may be because breasts is usually my main turn on, but luckily it was no wet dream and I'm still going just fine.

[Innocence]

[Day13]

I had a hard time falling a sleep last night, I'm not sure whether it is because of rebooting but I'm glad I hadn't had any sexual dreams last night.
Or as far as I can remember.
Today, I did notice a few erections when I was home but I could resist the urge and still going good!

[Innocence]

[Day 14]

Today has been going fine without any urges. Yet I find myself again less objectifying woman less, and I'm really happy about this.
I've also decided to get more time away from my computer, going to work-out more and quit smoking.
On the more negative sight, last night I had another sexual dream, it was really strange.
I was sleeping with a cute girl when my bed was suddenly filled with sperm.
Personally, I think it's because I'm afraid of having a wet dream.
But I think it's a good effect from my reboot!

Even though I'm feeling confident about my reboot, I've blocked all the adult websites I know.
It gives me a good feeling and a slight support then when I feel like relapsing, I will have a second thought about it.

[datkid93]

if you dont want to have a wet dream try drinking hot turmeric water every day, and eating a clove of garlic before bed with sage tea. From my research online there are many natural remedies that can reduce the chance of having a wet dream you should look into it.  Also really give cold showers and meditation a shot, I've been trying them and I feel like they really can impact your success. I really think you can beat this man just throw on k9 on your computer and an image blocker if you want to be serious, thats what Ive done.  Your only 18 too so be happy you discovered this at such a young age. I wish I had knew what you knew at that age as I probably wouldnt be the this situation 3 years down the line, but I guess better late than never. I'm trying to take this as a day to day thing and I feel like that helps. Keep trucking on man and dont look back!

[Innocence]

[Day 16]

Today I'm doing pretty well, yesterday I started working out and I have to admit it really takes down the urges.
It feels great releasing energy in another way!
I also took down my account on a dating website because I feel like it's just not meant for me and while being on that site
I've always been feeling desperate, and now I'm more relieved it's off my mind.

Today I also got the ebook from ybop and I must say it's a great motivation to read through daily, only if it's just a page or 2.

Still going good with PMO. I'm really glad I'm making it this far.

if you dont want to have a wet dream try drinking hot turmeric water every day, and eating a clove of garlic before bed with sage tea. From my research online there are many natural remedies that can reduce the chance of having a wet dream you should look into it.  Also really give cold showers and meditation a shot, I've been trying them and I feel like they really can impact your success. I really think you can beat this man just throw on k9 on your computer and an image blocker if you want to be serious, thats what Ive done.  Your only 18 too so be happy you discovered this at such a young age. I wish I had knew what you knew at that age as I probably wouldnt be the this situation 3 years down the line, but I guess better late than never. I'm trying to take this as a day to day thing and I feel like that helps. Keep trucking on man and dont look back!

Thanks for the advice!
I have looked a little into it, and going to try some remedies to be sure.
Even though I'm only 18, I wish I would have found out sooner, but it makes me feel happy hearing that from you.
I'm sure you can do it too mate, you sound really serious!

Keep going strong!

[Innocence]

[Day 17]

I'm really starting to feel more energetic!
The work-outs make me feel better too, just the muscle aches are killing me because I started too high but I'm not regretting it.
Going to try out a gym nearby to take it to the next level and to be more away from the computer.

It's also really surprising me how I'm starting to have more urges to get out and get away from my computer.
Today I'm going to help my mother with her art class, normally I wouldn't ever want to go but now it seems fun to me.

It really feels like this is working out great, urges are getting weaker by the day and I've only just started.

[Innocence]

[Day 20]

Had some awful muscle aches.
I was proud because feeling the pain, made me know I did a good job.
Yet today I feel awfully depressed, I couldn't get myself to work-out even though the muscle aches have been gone since today.
I have no energy, had some annoying boners and cravings.
They weren't too bad, I just wanted to get away for a little.

Today, how bad I felt, I did manage to get over the urges, I know it's only been 20 days but still I'm very proud that I've come this far
and can say I'm still going strong.

Even though I'm feeling awfully depressed, exhausted and with no energy.. I still want to fight for a better future
and my brain.. It should work how it's supposed to be.
I'm not into a religion, but with the more I know, the more I understand how it's more than abnormal what influence porno has on your brain.
It truly sickens me, therefor I'm glad to say I'm holding on.
Even though it hurts, even though I sometimes question my feelings, I'm still willing to fight on and experience what I used to feel.

The warmth is that I'm missing, it feels like that warmth has been taken away from me.
I know it's just a chemical reaction in my body, yet, that's what life is sometimes?
But what really matters to me is how it feels, how it makes us feel.
You might question whether true love is a lie or not, but I want to find out and therefor I need to get past this first.

Peace!

[Innocence]

[Day 21]

I failed to get myself to work-out today. I'm just not feeling it.
This is that moment when I just find myself depressed with still no energy just looking for that high.
It feels like the dopamine is just terribly low at the moment, I should do something but it's raining and storming outside so I can't even get outside.

I do have some fun things to do but nothing is cheering me up.

Still going good, but it's not easy.

[Innocence]

[Addition to day 21]

I forced myself to sign up for a gym since they have a test for 8 days for free.
Quickly after I had signed up they called me and I'm going tomorrow.
I got pretty excited about it and I hope it will be a lot of fun and maybe meet some new people.

Like mentioned before, I felt really down but I talked to a friend about my reboot and it truly helped me.
She really understood me and encouraged me on. I feel really a lot better and looking forward for tomorrow.

[Innocence]

[day 22]

Today was my first day at the gym, it felt really great!
I must admit all my urges are gone yet I'm not tired.

Even though I wasn't sure at the start I'm really glad I signed up.
The people are really nice and helped me getting started, this really is something I'm going to do more often.
Even better, in 2 days I'll be going again!

[nofap17]

Hey man, really great progress! I have the same aspirations as you, I'm going to get back into gym and reading again. Keep it up!

[Innocence]

Hey man, really great progress! I have the same aspirations as you, I'm going to get back into gym and reading again. Keep it up!

Thank you for replying on my journal, I'm glad you've found the same interests

[Innocence]

[Day 23]

Couldn't sleep the entire night, but I blame myself for staying up too late a few times yet it really bothered me.

On the other side, my muscles hurt like hell. Means I did a good job at the gym!
Also finished the e-book this night, I'm really glad I read it and it pretty much answers most of the questions that are asked here so even a bigger recommendation to read it!
Today started with no urges, just muscle aches.

I don't think it's the flatline because I feel great, well besides the muscle aches.

[datkid93]

Sounds like your doing pretty good so far in your process.  The fact that your not really experiencing any crazy urges is great.  Going to the gym is a great way to put that sexual energy to use and is a good way of getting that dopamine back up again. Frankly I should really get back in the gym. Jw how are your dreams so far? Some of mine are filled with weird porn induced fetishes and literally of me looking at porn pages still, although I still have many dreams where Im chasing girls. Anyway keep on going man sounds like you are doing great so far!

[Innocence]

Sounds like your doing pretty good so far in your process.  The fact that your not really experiencing any crazy urges is great.  Going to the gym is a great way to put that sexual energy to use and is a good way of getting that dopamine back up again. Frankly I should really get back in the gym. Jw how are your dreams so far? Some of mine are filled with weird porn induced fetishes and literally of me looking at porn pages still, although I still have many dreams where Im chasing girls. Anyway keep on going man sounds like you are doing great so far!

Thanks for the reply!
The dreams have faded, they were just a beginning thing.
The more days pass by, the easier it gets. Of course I do have some urges sometimes but they are relatively low.

The gym is a great think I'd recommend to everyone at this point, besides of putting the sexual energy to use you'll also feel way more fit!
Feeling more fit makes me less crave to pornographic content, I'm starting to get rid of the need more and more.
I just have a current issue where a friend of mine keeps snap chatting me and she has a rather big cleavage so I really gotta tell her to pull up her shirt more.
Thing is, I bet she's not doing it on purpose so that's going to be awkward.

[Innocence]

[Day 25]

Since last night I talked with a friend, she's 21 years old and (most likely) got pregnant by accident.
When she told me the details, I wished she hadn't.
It kept the topic so on my mind that I related it with other sexual content, like a dog following it's nose on a trail.
Since then I've got same bad cravings, annoying boners but I'm keeping strong.
Just thought writing my dairy would help me, and I think it really does.

Yesterday I also worked out again, I had still had such muscle aches I just focused on running/cycling etc w/o having to use my arms.
The muscle aches really got less but once I got home my muscles felt pretty stiff again and as in today still hurt but it's getting better!

[Innocence]

[Day 27]

I couldn't be happier with my current progress, I've almost hit a month and even survived an entire holiday (well 7 days of no school) and could resist any urges that came on my path.
Of course the work-out helped me really in a good way, tonight I'm going again and hope that my muscle aches won't be too bad this time!

In general, I feel a lot calmer, I begin to objectify women way less and I can feel a better control on myself.
Maybe it's a little pre flatline kicking in but either way I'm having a good feeling about it.

[datkid93]

That's great man sounds like you're making real progress. Keep up everything you're doing and push on!

[Innocence]

[Day 28]

Today I've been feeling rather depressed which may be the flatline kicking in for obvious reasons.
Also, today I started reading No More Mr Nice Guy, when I started reading this ebook I was rather shocked.
I could recognize myself really in this, of course not every point could relate to me because that would be a true disaster.

I'm desperate to continue reading in this book but sadly I have just too much school work at the moment to really focus on it.
I just hope I'm either mistaking or I can find a solution in this book.

Link to the ebook:
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

[Innocence]

[Day 29]

Today feeling quite better even though I messed up my math test.
Last night I read the first 2 chapters of No more mr nice guy and I figured I don't have that much in common but the thing I do
have is that I never had a father figure in my life.

My mother has always been saying bad things about him since I was young and I'm not sure if that's the cause but I've also never been really proud of him.
It's not like he wasn't there for me (or my brother) it's more that I never really had a bond with him. I've also never seen him as someone I would
love to relate to. I've been fighting in my life that I don't want to become like him.
I'm not going into detail, he wasn't a bad guy to me nor my brother but he has done things we weren't exactly proud of.
I'm going to continue to read the book and hopefully learn a lot more from it.

[Innocence]

[Day 30]

Only today and tomorrow left and I will have passed a month!
It's going really well, I feel the brain fog getting a little less yet I find it hard to concentrate yet I blame my ADD for that.

I've also given up smoking again together with my mother, I'm pretty sure the urges will be way worse because smoking usually took some big edges off.
Yet, I will hold on and I know that because even in my test week which is full of a lot of tests I keep holding strong.
If I can do it in a week full of stress, I can do it any time!

[Innocence]

[Day 32]

Today is the day that I have hit my 1 month milestone!
I'm really glad yet today I'm feeling like a wreck, depressed, sad, lonely and sick.

Knowing that I need to study today feels like I have to run a marathon while with so much weight on my shoulders.
On the other side, I had 3 different dreams tonight, strangely I could recall all of them which isn't really that common.

Today I'll take my rest and study anyway, maybe it's not so bad once I start.

[Innocence]

[Day 33]

Days are really going up and down with urges.
Yet the more I keep myself busy the lower they are, I could even say the urges are very low to not there.
Even though I have my mood swings I truly believe I can do this, I hear a lot after a month the cravings and withdrawal symptoms get pretty bad.
I haven't had them badly, so I'm just looking back at my progress how much better and easier it gets and I will stick to that.

 

[Recovery101]

Hey buddy. I'm glad you're making such great progress. Seeing I have failed countless times, I'm glad to see there are still people who are trying to get out of this PMO hell and trying to get on with their lives rather than just relapsing and making no progress. Good luck in your journey and stay strong bro!
-Rec101