Author Topic: Becoming a true man  (Read 255 times)

culturalsushi

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Becoming a true man
« on: March 27, 2021, 03:07:40 PM »
Hi all,

I am coming to this website because I have struggled with porn virtually my entire life. I am a 19-year-old male college student, and my dream is to become a biology professor. Here is some background about how I realized my addiction:

I first encountered porn at a very young age, unsure of its allure, but soon I was hooked onto its novelty. I used it incessantly. I believe my initial use of porn was to cope with my sexuality—I am a gay male in an Asian family. Throughout the pandemic, my porn use skyrocketed because I unfortunately lost a close family member, so I resorted to porn to escape. Recently, I came out to my parents and thought my porn usage would stop once I recognized why I was using it. However, I am still having a really hard time battling with it.

I tried rebooting, and every four days (approximately) I relapse. After using porn, I feel utterly disgusting and embarrassed with myself. I wake up the next morning with a dull ache in my chest, in fact. I know some of my current use of porn has to do with me being lonely (I've never dated, kissed, or touched anyone because I was never comfortable doing so until I came out to my parents). I hate the cycle because not only is it exhausting. It is not allowing me to perform at my maximum potential academically and physically.

I am writing this journal because my previous strategies have not been working. A big trigger of mine is being in the apartment alone when my apartment-mates leave. Earlier today, I did avoid an urge by going outside to run, but as soon as my roommate left, the urges started kicking in intensely.

I really want to stop because porn is consuming me and threatening my future. I plan on updating this journal daily for accountability, and hopefully, whoever reads this can reach out and become an accountability partner. I am sick of feeling exhausted after porn, and my happiness is not where it could be.

I am determined to fight this addiction and become a true man.

culturalsushi

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Day 1
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2021, 04:33:21 PM »
Day 1:
The first few days are always the easiest. Today, I had a midterm (I know, who would schedule one over the weekend?), so I've been pretty occupied the whole day. I haven't felt any urges so far, and I went on a nice run today. Overall, I'm pretty content, and I plan on seeing some friends later, so that will keep me occupied. Staying strong.

culturalsushi

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Day 2
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2021, 05:43:48 PM »
Day 2: Today was a bit harder than yesterday, but I've mostly been able to refrain from porn and masturbation. In the morning, I had huge spikes of horniness and had a strong urge to watch porn and masturbate, but I made it through. After exercising, I found myself "porn fishing" and stopped myself after realizing what I was doing. I am really determined to keep the streak up because I have never gone at least a week without porn ever. My energy levels are pretty high, and it's easy to see the benefits even early on.

Staying strong. See you tomorrow.

Gambitchco

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2021, 11:29:25 PM »
Hey man, this is amazing to hear. Hope you're doing great! Good luck and best wishes.

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2021, 01:21:38 AM »
Hey man, this is amazing to hear. Hope you're doing great! Good luck and best wishes.

Thanks! :)

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2021, 01:27:20 AM »
Day 2 Update:

After coming home from a long day of doing work, I found myself having some really intense urges while sitting in the bathroom. Although I did not fully indulge myself in porn, I started looking at some raunchy images. I controlled myself and did not masturbate to the images. However, I did end up masturbating in the shower (without porn).

I consider this a relapse. In the past, I don't think I would have because I wasn't associating porn directly with masturbation, I was indirectly. I had framed a lie.

Because of this relapse, I need to modify my actions:
1) I will post only to this forum directly before bedtime, so there is no chance of relapsing afterwards.
2) I am having a hard time finding my trigger for today's relapse, but it seemed like a product of exhaustion and stress. I will keep my phone out of the bathroom from now on because that definitely gives me an opportunity to relapse.

I am coming back stronger tomorrow. Hope you had a nice day.

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #6 on: March 31, 2021, 12:44:38 AM »
Day 1:
Today was a good day. I was pretty busy throughout, but I had a lot of fun with friends during nighttime, which genuinely made me feel happy. I had a few urges during the beginning of the day, and I am honestly having very slight urges now. I have not been bringing my phone into the bathroom, and it has worked so far. Though I semi-relapsed yesterday, my energy levels seem higher than normal.

Staying strong.

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2021, 12:31:59 AM »
Day 2:
I definitely had extremely strong urges today, but I remained porn-free. I am proud of myself. The majority of my day was spent in the library, but there, I had these crazy urges that produced images in my head of porn scenes I've watched for far too long. I am lucky that I was in a public space because otherwise, it would have been even harder to stop thinking of porn. I am keeping up my habit of not bringing my phone into the bathroom, and it has been working. I feel like with every passing day, I will get stronger. My energy and focus have been pretty sharp, and I am excited for more benefits to come.

I am so grateful that I now spend time on this site instead of LPSG, a gay forum filled with sex I used to frequent.

Staying strong.

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #8 on: April 01, 2021, 02:23:37 PM »
Day 2 Update:
Hey all. I masturbated today without porn. Although my goal is to quit porn because I believe masturbation is fine, I still think that I need to control my urges when it comes to masturbation and porn. For this reason, I'm going to reset the clocks (again), even though this isn't entirely a relapse.

What triggered me was my apartment roommate leaving the room. I have a meeting in 20 minutes, so I needed to be in the room (leaving wasn't a feasible option). I need to develop a feasible strategy for when he leaves and I am unable to. My plan might be not to go on technology (take a nap or something else) until my obligation occurs. Normally, I would have left the apartment. My other habits such as not bringing the phone into the bathroom have remained.

Staying strong.
« Last Edit: April 01, 2021, 02:32:56 PM by culturalsushi »

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2021, 02:27:28 PM »
Day 1:
I haven't posted the last two days because I was so busy! Anyway, Day 1 was pretty easy. I had relatively few urges and had a lot of fun with friends later that night.

Staying strong.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2021, 02:31:02 PM by culturalsushi »

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2021, 02:30:05 PM »
Day 2:
Today seemed relatively easy compared to my past relapses. The weather is improving, allowing me to leave my apartment and become more occupied throughout the day, so my busy schedule quells my urges. I also had some alcohol last night and drank pretty heavily today, so maybe that kills urges? I'm not too sure, but I've been feeling pretty happy recently, especially with the progress with COVID-19 vaccines. By the way, I do not struggle with alcoholism (it was just one of the first weekends when I wasn't so occupied with stressful schoolwork).

Staying strong.

Joselinpiinwin

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #11 on: April 05, 2021, 05:11:15 PM »
YoOO Good luck my boi, try to stay away as much as you can,  Personally I allways end realapsing when I say to myself : 5 secs of pront wont hurt me

Good wishess  U CAN DO IT

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #12 on: April 06, 2021, 10:18:21 PM »
Thanks man!

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #13 on: April 06, 2021, 10:19:45 PM »
Had some serious relapse last night....starting over again

Day 1: Today wasn't terrible, but I had minimal urges throughout the day. I want to seek help because I relapsed twice since starting this journal. I am trying to listen to lots of different sources that tell me how bad porn is, but I still want to reach out and talk to someone. Anyone have any good phone lines to reach out to? I would prefer anonymous calling.

Staying strong.

Gambitchco

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2021, 12:52:35 AM »
Just keep fighting. It will be worth it. Aja!

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #15 on: April 08, 2021, 09:18:19 AM »
Day 2:
I had a pretty productive day and had relatively few urges. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts about the benefits of NoFap, and I am trying to develop new mental strength. Day 3 and Day 4 are usually the hardest for me, so I am going in with a strong mind.

Staying strong.

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #16 on: April 09, 2021, 12:18:40 PM »
Day 3:

I am proud of myself for making it ALL the way through Day 3. I did find myself with minimal urges throughout the day. I feel a lot more focused these days, and I know that I am going down the right path. Day 4 is usually the hardest, and I am remaining vigilant.

Staying strong.

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #17 on: April 10, 2021, 12:52:07 PM »
Day 4:
I fucking beat Day 4, and I cannot express how much of a milestone this is to me. I am definitely feeling more energized and productive without having used porn for almost 5 days now. The battle is still a battle, so I will keep vigilant. What has been helping me is framing this battle against porn as a test, as a test by which a higher power is judging you.

I am writing this the morning after Day 4 because I wanted to ensure that I did not relapse after this post, if it were written the night of Day 4.

Just to talk about some the benefits I've been feeling:
1) Extreme energy: I woke up after a night of partying and have been extremely energetic. I am about to go on a run to release some of this energy, but I'm on a serious high right now.
2) Improved focus: It actually scares me how focused I've become with the task at hand. When I'm doing work, distractions I previously had don't distract me anymore.
3) Mental clarity and memory: My head feels a lot more clear. I am feeling stronger. My memory is gradually improving.

Staying strong.
« Last Edit: April 10, 2021, 02:39:45 PM by culturalsushi »

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #18 on: April 11, 2021, 11:48:53 AM »
Day 5:
I almost relapsed—almost. I saw some racy images for a good 5-7 minutes but caught myself and said: "This is a test." My urges were extreme yesterday, especially when I was doing my work. Though I did slip up for a few minutes, I am pretty happy that I caught myself and subsequently stopped.

Staying strong

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #19 on: April 12, 2021, 10:47:14 AM »
Day 6:
Almost had another slip yesterday, but I closed the porn site as soon as it loaded. I came this far and don't want to give up so easily. I had a pretty nice day, albeit not as productive as I wanted. Getting the COVID vaccine tomorrow is exciting me.

Staying strong.

culturalsushi

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Re: Becoming a true man
« Reply #20 on: April 13, 2021, 11:12:18 AM »
Day 7:
I received the COVID-19 vaccine yesterday and had some side effects during the night. The stress of it, I realized, fueled my urges to watch porn. I slipped for 5 minutes. I started browsing porn websites, but I did not come close to touching myself. I knew what I was doing in the moment was wrong. I mustered the strength to click off the sites and went to sleep after.

Staying strong.