Author Topic: Rex's Journal (Read 18269 times)

Rex · « **on:** March 07, 2014, 11:50:37 PM »

Hello,

I am a 30 year porn addict, who was hopelessly addicted to porn especially in the last 15 years. I discovered YBOP and watched Gabe's video, seeing and hearing Gabe's story gave me the first hope I had in a long time that I could break free. I had just finished a PMO binge and was in total despair. After watching Gabe's video for the first time on February 17, 2014, I went over to the YBR site and setup a journal and poured my heart and soul into this endeavor of getting myself clean once and for all from PMO, MO, and M. I made a concerted effort to stay away from the triggers and stimuli that led to my falling into a PMO. And I made a concerted effort to fight the temptations and urges every time they hit.

It was through the grace of God and all the great forum board members at YBR that I finally felt for the first time I wasn't alone in this battle. I had the support, advice, and friendship of other PMO addicts who were on the same journey as me, no longer was I battling this fight alone. Well, my story of despair has turned to one of victory. This once daily PMO addict has been clean for 18 days since seeing Gabe's video and joining YBR. This has been the longest period I have been free from PMO since 1999. You can read more details on my story and my struggles and victories of the last 18 days free from PMO at YBR:

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=18508.0

It has been a tough journey however the chains of this addiction have broken, and I am seeing the benefits every day I continue on this journey and each progressive day my life feels more complete. I'd be a fool to think it will be smooth sailing from now, because there will still be temptations and urges but I am much better equipped to fight them now. And the once almost unstoppable allure of these urges and temptations has turned into only just a nuisance. I look forward to sharing on this board, my insights and struggles in this journey to free myself from PMO forever.

And if a hopeless PMO addict like myself can break free so can you, please don't give up hope and never give up this fight. You can do it, you can beat this addiction.

Rex

lte · « **Reply #1 on:** March 08, 2014, 12:21:52 AM »

It's great to see you, Rex. You are off to a very strong start and have a great attitude regarding the fight.

Rex · « **Reply #2 on:** March 08, 2014, 10:14:00 AM »

Quote from: LTE on March 08, 2014, 12:21:52 AM

It's great to see you, Rex. You are off to a very strong start and have a great attitude regarding the fight.

LTE,

Thanks for all your help the last 19 days. When I started this journey 19 days ago, I knew it wasn't going to be easy, in fact it's been one of the toughest battles in my life but it's been worth it. I am just feeling like the lost life I have had since 13 or 14 years of age is returning. When I began this journey 19 days ago, I realized there was no other option, PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me. Hey that rhymed.

lte · « **Reply #3 on:** March 08, 2014, 10:33:55 AM »

You strike ma as a good investment of effort. You are very committed to change.

fcjl8 · « **Reply #4 on:** March 08, 2014, 04:30:24 PM »

Glad you feel the chains of the addiction breaking Rex!

I had a similar experience to yours, I had just finished a miserable binge in Nov 2012 and went to an old site I had kept a journal on... reuniting.info, Marnia suggested I check out Gabe's (new at the time videos) that lead me to regular journaling and my long 8 months of freedom last year!

Don't ever let your guard down Rex... I have thought i was clear and away a couple of times, you can't get overconfident, just maintain a good healthy balance and appreciate each day!

Rex · « **Reply #5 on:** March 08, 2014, 05:27:37 PM »

Quote from: fcjl8 on March 08, 2014, 04:30:24 PM

Glad you feel the chains of the addiction breaking Rex!

I had a similar experience to yours, I had just finished a miserable binge in Nov 2012 and went to an old site I had kept a journal on... reuniting.info, Marnia suggested I check out Gabe's (new at the time videos) that lead me to regular journaling and my long 8 months of freedom last year!

Don't ever let your guard down Rex... I have thought i was clear and away a couple of times, you can't get overconfident, just maintain a good healthy balance and appreciate each day!

fcjl8,

That's funny you should mention that about not letting your guard down. Because I notice the temptations and urges have changed since rolling into the third week. There have been some clever temptations and urges these past almost 3 weeks. But the recent ones are getting really clever where they say to me, "you are doing good", and they are trying to pump me full of pride. Things like "you have done so well, the worst is behind you, you don't need to be so strict with yourself, you can coast a little" or "you can now ease up on yourself a bit". I have found myself entertaining these thoughts and then saying "wait a minute this is a trick, I am not falling for it". So thanks for that good advice, as the time increases that I have been free from PMO, my guard must not drop and I can't get a big head or full of pride that I am superman now and invincible from the stimuli and triggers.

lte · « **Reply #6 on:** March 09, 2014, 06:23:20 AM »

Just keep in mind, Rex, you are always in control. No matter what the temptation, keep your hands out of your pants and you've got it made. If you don't masturbate porn will be of zero value . . . ZERO.

Rex · « **Reply #7 on:** March 09, 2014, 02:19:14 PM »

Quote from: LTE on March 09, 2014, 06:23:20 AM

Just keep in mind, Rex, you are always in control. No matter what the temptation, keep your hands out of your pants and you've got it made. If you don't masturbate porn will be of zero value . . . ZERO.

Very wise and true words...

STR · « **Reply #8 on:** March 11, 2014, 05:04:05 PM »

Hi Rex - Great job on staying sober for more than 20 days. If you keep going you'll reach a point where it gets easier each day.

tkn0 · « **Reply #9 on:** March 11, 2014, 06:44:36 PM »

Just wanted to say, we are all here for you.
I dont know how your social situation is, with friends and females. But whenever you feel alone in this battle, just think of the guys on this forum.
You cant see us, you dont know us. But we are real people who care and are here for you in this journey.

Keep it up man, you are an inspiration for us all. Most people your age would probably have just given up and thought "Its gone too long now, I will never break free from this."
Thats bullshit, and you just proved it.

Much love mate.

lte · « **Reply #10 on:** March 11, 2014, 10:53:33 PM »

Quote from: tkn0 on March 11, 2014, 06:44:36 PM

Keep it up man, you are an inspiration for us all. Most people your age would probably have just given up and thought "Its gone too long now, I will never break free from this."
Thats bullshit, and you just proved it.

Much love mate.

I felt exactly that way less than two years ago. YBOP changed my life.

Rex · « **Reply #11 on:** March 12, 2014, 10:45:23 AM »

Quote from: LTE on March 09, 2014, 06:23:20 AM

Just keep in mind, Rex, you are always in control. No matter what the temptation, keep your hands out of your pants and you've got it made. If you don't masturbate porn will be of zero value . . . ZERO.

That's so true, very well said!

Rex · « **Reply #12 on:** March 12, 2014, 10:48:59 AM »

Quote from: SlaveToRighteousness on March 11, 2014, 05:04:05 PM

Hi Rex - Great job on staying sober for more than 20 days. If you keep going you'll reach a point where it gets easier each day.

SlaveToRighteousness,

Thanks for the encouragement. I am noticing especially when I hit my third week that the urges and temptations don't really have the strong pull on me they once had. The first week was so very hard. The second week was difficult however the third week was much easier. Now I am just starting on week #4, I feel I am coasting more. Still have the temptations and urges but they are more like background noise, that I can easily shut off or ignore.

Rex · « **Reply #13 on:** March 12, 2014, 10:55:10 AM »

Quote from: tkn0 on March 11, 2014, 06:44:36 PM

Just wanted to say, we are all here for you.
I dont know how your social situation is, with friends and females. But whenever you feel alone in this battle, just think of the guys on this forum.
You cant see us, you dont know us. But we are real people who care and are here for you in this journey.

Keep it up man, you are an inspiration for us all. Most people your age would probably have just given up and thought "Its gone too long now, I will never break free from this."
Thats bullshit, and you just proved it.

Much love mate.

tkn0,

Thanks for your encouragement and friendship. One my faults in the past was thinking I could fight this battle alone. I failed in the fight. With the help and encouragement of friends here on RN and on the YBR forum board I have been able to do the impossible and succeed in this fight.

I had a dream right before I woke up this morning that I had fallen into a PMO, it was so real. I was upset that I had let myself down and all my friends on here on the RN and YBR forum boards. And then I woke up from this dream. I just said wow, it was only a dream. It didn't bother me. If that had happened in week #1, I would have been thinking about the dream all day long dwelling on it. I just brushed it off my mind and got ready for work. The temptations and urges have gotten much easier to deal with, I don't fear them like I did the first and second week. Now that I have entered into my 4th week now on day 23, I am coasting. However my guard is still up, I just feel more confident in this battle and am more determined than ever to stay free from PMO for the rest of my life.

lte · « **Reply #14 on:** March 12, 2014, 11:05:43 AM »

Quote from: Rex on March 12, 2014, 10:55:10 AM

Quote from: tkn0 on March 11, 2014, 06:44:36 PM
Just wanted to say, we are all here for you.
I dont know how your social situation is, with friends and females. But whenever you feel alone in this battle, just think of the guys on this forum.
You cant see us, you dont know us. But we are real people who care and are here for you in this journey.

Keep it up man, you are an inspiration for us all. Most people your age would probably have just given up and thought "Its gone too long now, I will never break free from this."
Thats bullshit, and you just proved it.

Much love mate.

tkn0,

Thanks for your encouragement and friendship. One my faults in the past was thinking I could fight this battle alone. I failed in the fight. With the help and encouragement of friends here on RN and on the YBR forum board I have been able to do the impossible and succeed in this fight.

I had a dream right before I woke up this morning that I had fallen into a PMO, it was so real. I was upset that I had let myself down and all my friends on here on the RN and YBR forum boards. And then I woke up from this dream. I just said wow, it was only a dream. It didn't bother me. If that had happened in week #1, I would have been thinking about the dream all day long dwelling on it. I just brushed it off my mind and got ready for work. The temptations and urges have gotten much easier to deal with, I don't fear them like I did the first and second week. Now that I have entered into my 4th week now on day 23, I am coasting. However my guard is still up, I just feel more confident in this battle and am more determined than ever to stay free from PMO for the rest of my life.

The dreams are a common thing and, I think, a good sign that your brain is processing this change in your life.

Rex · « **Reply #15 on:** March 12, 2014, 11:53:03 AM »

Quote from: LTE on March 12, 2014, 11:05:43 AM

The dreams are a common thing and, I think, a good sign that your brain is processing this change in your life.

LTE,

Thanks, the thing that surprised me most about the dream was that when I woke up it didn't bother or affect me. I was able to see it for what it was, just a dream. This is a big step forward for me.

fcjl8 · « **Reply #16 on:** March 12, 2014, 02:54:13 PM »

I agree with LTE,

I have had a couple of those dreams, thankfully only a few, and saw them for what they were... nothing! It probably is quite a healthy shedding of those old latent images and habits, what's that saying... "old habits die hard"

Rex, you are doing so well! I am very excited for you and your walk is really helping to reinforce in my mind just how important this decision has been to me. You are truly helping others brother.

You wrote on a few places at YBR about the HBO shows... I also stopped watching True Detective a couple of weeks back. There was no major trigger per se... but I did feel uncomfortable with some of the sexuality of the theme, I was also finding it just getting way too dark for my current tastes. I thought it was well acted and written just not for me anymore! Game of Thrones will be interesting. My wife and son and I all enjoy it... I really wish it could just leave out the more explicit of the sexuality. I think it could be sexy and a great piece without the really obvious stuff that often just slows the story. Anyway, the rest of TV world seem to like it the way it is?

Stay well Rex! I know you will.

lte · « **Reply #17 on:** March 12, 2014, 03:13:38 PM »

Quote from: fcjl8 on March 12, 2014, 02:54:13 PM

I agree with LTE,

I have had a couple of those dreams, thankfully only a few, and saw them for what they were... nothing! It probably is quite a healthy shedding of those old latent images and habits, what's that saying... "old habits die hard"

Rex, you are doing so well! I am very excited for you and your walk is really helping to reinforce in my mind just how important this decision has been to me. You are truly helping others brother.

You wrote on a few places at YBR about the HBO shows... I also stopped watching True Detective a couple of weeks back. There was no major trigger per se... but I did feel uncomfortable with some of the sexuality of the theme, I was also finding it just getting way to dark for my current tastes. I thought it was well acted and written just not for me anymore! Game of Thrones will be interesting. My wife and son and I all enjoy it... I really wish it could just leave out the more explicit of the sexuality. I think it could be sexy and a great piece without the really obvious stuff that often just slows the story. Anyway, the rest of TV world seem to like it the way it is?

Stay well Rex! I know you will.

What I've found is that sexually charged content, not porn, just rated-R nude scenes, etc, sort of put me off. I'm not triggered, I'd just rather not watch them anymore. Last summer, somewhere around 220 days, I went through a period where I purposely watched a number of movies of this sort. I think it was part of the process; proving to myself that I could see something like this and not be triggered. I can only compare this to a recovering alcoholic walking into a bar just to prove to himself that he doesn't need bars anymore. Since then, I have given myself permission to watch anything I want, as long as it's not porn, but I find that my tastes are pretty conservative. I'd rather not go too near anything like that, although I no longer fear being triggered.

Rex · « **Reply #18 on:** March 12, 2014, 06:50:17 PM »

This doesn't come easy, but I had a rotten day today, lots of stress. Been worried about meeting a future deadline for my work and some health related issues I have been battling, the stress of it got to me. I began to let the thoughts entertain my head this evening, and I fell for about 30 minutes into a PMO. The good news I know where I went wrong and I am not going to let it happen again. However I put my guard down with the stress and the images of a beautiful nude women in my head, I stopped fighting them earlier this evening. And I gave in, I am ashamed of myself, but I am picking myself back up. In the past when I fell like this after being free of PMO for any length of time I would make up for lost time and fall into a PMO marathon for a few days. Not today, I didn't enjoy the act, I went through the motions but it wasn't enjoyable, it was as enjoyable as drinking motor oil. I am back on the wagon and fighting again. I am putting this behind me and jumping back more determined than ever not to fall again. The plus side is I went a full 23 days free from PMO longest run since 1998/1999. Sorry for the bad news, I knew better, but will continue to fight and won't give up.

lte · « **Reply #19 on:** March 12, 2014, 09:19:47 PM »

Quote from: Rex on March 12, 2014, 06:50:17 PM

This doesn't come easy, but I had a rotten day today, lots of stress. Been worried about meeting a future deadline for my work and some health related issues I have been battling, the stress of it got to me. I began to let the thoughts entertain my head this evening, and I fell for about 30 minutes into a PMO. The good news I know where I went wrong and I am not going to let it happen again. However I put my guard down with the stress and the images of a beautiful nude women in my head, I stopped fighting them earlier this evening. And I gave in, I am ashamed of myself, but I am picking myself back up. In the past when I fell like this after being free of PMO for any length of time I would make up for lost time and fall into a PMO marathon for a few days. Not today, I didn't enjoy the act, I went through the motions but it wasn't enjoyable, it was as enjoyable as drinking motor oil. I am back on the wagon and fighting again. I am putting this behind me and jumping back more determined than ever not to fall again. The plus side is I went a full 23 days free from PMO longest run since 1998/1999. Sorry for the bad news, I knew better, but will continue to fight and won't give up.

It's impossible to fail, unless you give up. Just get right back to it and preserve the positive changes in your brain.

I'm wit' you, man.

fcjl8 · « **Reply #20 on:** March 13, 2014, 09:03:06 AM »

Hi Rex,

I certainly don't want to minimize how you are feeling, or make presumptions. I have experienced relapses after long stretches so I might have a degree of understanding... but each of us obviously have individual ways of dealing with a relapse.

What I so admire is that you have owned it, immediately and seen it for what it is and looked into what led to it.

I know this sounds like another broken record... I truly believe that the positive recovery progress is not lost from a slip. I do think a man who relapses is vulnerable to binges and/or hangover-chaser for several days as the D receptors got a nice hit of those chemicals. But, other than that the solid re-wiring of the pathways will carry on.

Praying for you. I pray that you have more than enough strength to handle any temptations.

Paul

Rex · « **Reply #21 on:** March 13, 2014, 05:36:23 PM »

LTE,

Very well said, I relapsed but have learned from my lesson. I learned I was so concentrated on keeping the urges at bay that I let other external stresses and worries in my life take control by the time I had realized what was happening it was too late for me. However I have learned from the experience, and will continue to fight. Thanks for your support and friendship in this continued fight

Paul,

Good point about the recovery process is not lost to a fall, and you are certainly right about the D-receptors got a big hit of the chemicals I can still feel the after effects right now. Thanks you so much for the prayers, that means a lot to me. I know it's going to be a tough few days, since my head is back to that old foggy feeling again, but I'll be back and I won't give up. Thanks for your support, friendship, and prayers in my fight against PMO.

STR · « **Reply #22 on:** March 13, 2014, 08:29:30 PM »

Quote from: fcjl8 on March 12, 2014, 02:54:13 PM

You wrote on a few places at YBR about the HBO shows... I also stopped watching True Detective a couple of weeks back. There was no major trigger per se... but I did feel uncomfortable with some of the sexuality of the theme, I was also finding it just getting way too dark for my current tastes. I thought it was well acted and written just not for me anymore! Game of Thrones will be interesting. My wife and son and I all enjoy it... I really wish it could just leave out the more explicit of the sexuality. I think it could be sexy and a great piece without the really obvious stuff that often just slows the story. Anyway, the rest of TV world seem to like it the way it is?

My wife and I watch many of the popular shows that have nudity, including True Detective and Game of Thrones. Since the nudity on those shows is very tame compared to what I used to look at on the Internet, I never really paid much attention to it. It's different now, though. I definitely notice the nudity more and part of me is tempted to want to see more of it. But another part of me feels bad for the actresses who feel like they have to show their boobs and butts to succeed, and part of me is actually angry at the men who exploit these women to get more viewers. They're doing everyone a disservice by providing false stimuli that isn't going to do anyone any good.

lte · « **Reply #23 on:** March 14, 2014, 04:25:49 PM »

How's it rollin', Rex?

Rex · « **Reply #24 on:** March 15, 2014, 01:12:43 AM »

Quote from: fcjl8 on March 12, 2014, 02:54:13 PM

You wrote on a few places at YBR about the HBO shows... I also stopped watching True Detective a couple of weeks back. There was no major trigger per se... but I did feel uncomfortable with some of the sexuality of the theme, I was also finding it just getting way too dark for my current tastes. I thought it was well acted and written just not for me anymore! Game of Thrones will be interesting. My wife and son and I all enjoy it... I really wish it could just leave out the more explicit of the sexuality. I think it could be sexy and a great piece without the really obvious stuff that often just slows the story. Anyway, the rest of TV world seem to like it the way it is?

Stay well Rex! I know you will.

fcjl8,

I agree with you having the nudity in these TV shows only slows the story and is unnecessary. Breaking Bad was a perfect example of a popular TV show, yet there was no nudity since it was AMC. Had HBO done Breaking Bad they would have had at least one nude and sex scene in every episode and it would have slowed and tampered the storyline. I agree with you True Detective had a very dark and eery type of feeling, the more episodes that I watched it.

Thanks for your support I greatly appreciate it!