Author Topic: Finding out about Husband advice  (Read 225 times)

Robin

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Finding out about Husband advice
« on: March 09, 2021, 09:38:50 PM »
Hey All : I am a wife and just found out hubby watching. I am so hurt and sad and extremely mad.. It explains why he rarely initiates sex. He doesn’t even want to kiss me anymore. I get a peck. I recall him many years ago before marriage had Magazines and I was furious we were very active at the time . He knows how I feel about this ! Years later after marriage I once found a porn picture in his wallet . I guess nowadays it’s cell phone .I can’t play porn police And the way it makes a woman Or at least me feel is just horrible, unattractive and unloved like we don’t measure up. Fast forward and during marriage sex was good .Last five/ six years went down in amounts . Stuff going in in marriage affecting it. We were in bad place.  Nowadays the funny thing is since menopause I am not really even thinking about  it or have much desire but I am soooo hurt and it makes me feel unloved. Hubby and I maybe have sex like once a month maybe. I knew something was up thought maybe he’s not attracted to me anymore Or impotent. He’s 61. We went out for anniversary dinner  recently had sex afterwards. He tends to not give me foreplay I really need .I assume due to porn watching. He gave me gift of wanting to replace my engagement ring list years ago I started crying was very touched and happy but then two night later we are looking at something on his cell and I see a sight pop up. He runs into bathroom freaks out. He confesses it’s porn said he’s so embarrassed. I freak out on him. Said not so nice things. I am thinking about divorce. Although I am not desiring sex I am too hurt by this and feel rejected. I recently lost weight look good . Down to 102 lbs. Us girls can’t compete with unrealistic images.  Now I feel like I surely do t want him to even look at me naked . Sorry I rambled this just took place and need honest guys input here. He doesn’t compliment me and seems detached at times. Says he never has cheated ever and wouldn’t but to me looking at other naked women IS cheating . Look I am no prude and maybe if we were having a normal sex life and acted like he loved me I’d feel different. I mean wants to replace ring but not kissing  me Says he just does it because it’s fast and easy  wth like making love is just too much work . Opinions ??? Help advice or should I divorce him .

Sanders

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Re: Finding out about Husband advice
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2021, 03:04:36 AM »
Hi Robin,

Welcome here! I'm sorry what you've gone through and I hope you're doing OK given the circumstances. It's messed up how we chose pixels over the real beauty of our partners. I can't speak to whether you should get a divorce or not, that's depending on so many different factors. What I can say is regarding your husband, if he himself doesn't want to quit it's not going to happen. He has to see the consequences of his actions and realise for himself that he wants to improve his life. This addiction affects many things within the brain which make it very difficult to quit. You can read more on the effects of this addiction on yourbrainonporn's website.

The distance you describe between the two of you is relatable to me. Over time I drifted away from my wife without really realising it really. We knew things weren't going great but I couldn't accept myself that it was because of my hidden porn addiction. I'm not saying that quitting porn is a magical solution to your problems, it is however a very positive step forwards. I hope he's taking his addiction and your pain seriously. What may help you is having a look at 'betrayal trauma' in combination with porn usage. It'd also help to show your husband these things to make him understand what he's actually doing.

I wish you all the best, perhaps you can read around in some of the journals here. I hope someone reaches out to you that might experience something similar!

Gambitchco

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Re: Finding out about Husband advice
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2021, 08:22:26 AM »
Interesting read, thank you for sharing. I hope everything gets better soon.

marbeck

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Re: Finding out about Husband advice
« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2021, 11:06:31 PM »
I'm in the same boat with the opposite effect.  I am his go to with his fantasies.  I am actually leaving him and moving on.  If they dont want a change the so-be-it.  I need a real man and partner in life and just like alcoholism if they dont want to change you can't do it for them.  I need a man that can remember my birthday not the password for his videos.  Hurts like hell believe me because I always thought we were the couple forever. Mine went above and beyond porn looking elsewhere for real women and still does and also chat rooms.  Of course he denies it but I had a tracker on the computer that showed me everything. I cringe every time he denies it. Actually I want to smack the shit out of him but I am always just to beat down to do so. I removed the tracker because I no longer care.  I am destroyed right now but now it's about me and moving on.  It's hard but it's ok.  I can do this.  As they say time heals all wound but the defenses are up forever.  Thank the useless women in this world that have a vagina and have no respect for themselves.  Personally I hope the all die a miserable death for all the relationships they have destroyed. 

Ricky62

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Re: Finding out about Husband advice
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2021, 08:42:57 AM »
I'm sure it is difficult, but remember, this addiction is not about you despite the fact that it definitely affects you. While ultimately the problem is solely his responsibility, I encourage you to not use fury, anger, or shaming towards him. It will not help and will make him more likely to hide things from you. Try to get him to read the site your brain on porn. If he understands what he is doing to himself and you and how prevalent this problem is, he might be more likely to open up to you. I can only speak for myself, but I have been completely honest with my wife, but I was pretty sure going into that conversation that she would be supportive so I didn't feel the need to keep her from finding out. I know that her reading things on YBOP have helped her to see that this is my problem and has nothing to do with a lack of attraction or desire for her. If you haven't read those things, it might help you to visit that site.

Only you can decide if you should stay or leave and by the same token, he must decide for his own well being to have an open and honest conversation with you and start his own reboot.  Best of luck.