Author Topic: When you believe in magic  (Read 1214 times)

Nick Simons

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #50 on: March 29, 2021, 09:04:53 PM »
Hey Hugo,

Congrats on the big 40! 

Your story is both uplifting ... and at times hilarious as well - its good to sometimes just step back and laugh at ourselves a bit every now and then ("... where have you been for the past few years? Good boy!") ... :D

Anyway keep up the steady progress - you are a rock star.

otanerferguson

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #51 on: March 30, 2021, 05:32:17 PM »
Day 41

No porn. No masturbation.

I had morning wood today. It didn't linger too long after I was awake, but still it was 100%.

Once again, I feel that libido is what I can describe as early 20s normal. Just randomly during the day, I had a couple of old fashion flashbacks to successful sexual encounters that I had during my 20s and they gave me good old fashion healthy erections. Daydreaming like in the old days. It seems like things are getting back to normal. I don't feel superpowers, like a lot of people claim, but I no longer feel impaired from the waist down. No masturbation, though, I'm saving all of my sexual energy for my real life woman. I am not wasting any more boners on myself or pixels. Now I know how valuable they are.

I am getting back on track with my work.

Exercise, box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, no coffee, first blood, and good nutrition, ok.

Hey Hugo,

Congrats on the big 40! 

Your story is both uplifting ... and at times hilarious as well - its good to sometimes just step back and laugh at ourselves a bit every now and then ("... where have you been for the past few years? Good boy!") ... :D

Anyway keep up the steady progress - you are a rock star.

Heey Nick, thanks man. Yes, you know what they say, laughter is the best medicine. I appreciate your kind words and I hope you are doing great too!!! Keep kicking butt!!!
« Last Edit: March 30, 2021, 10:59:18 PM by otanerferguson »
Hugo

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #52 on: March 31, 2021, 05:49:21 PM »
Day 42

No porn. No masturbation.

Pretty normal day. No constant thinking about sex but I feel okay. Now, I am trying not to fantasize on purpose (about real life sexual encounters of the past) every few hours just to appreciate my newly found boners. I don't want to break the spell. And so I'm reserving them for real life stimuli.

Interesting Insight: On another train of thought, I knew that my porn use was more or less weekly before I started my reboot, and not daily, and looking back at earlier posts, I noticed that I entered the flatline as fast as day 5 after quitting, where I first mention it (I called it officially on day 13). And so, coming to think of it, my intermittent use of porn over the years has kept me on an extended flatline for years, where not knowing about the forces at play, I kept myself sort of in an endless quitting and relapsing loop (I just didn't know I was quitting). The weekly porn binge would reset my withdrawal symptoms the following day, and then I would plunge into the flatline over the next days after that. Hence my lack of need for porn in between binges, and my ED too after a good day.

And also, if you look at it, a lot of rebooters get a testosterone surge around day 7. And so, I was thinking that's probably how many days apart my binges were.

Well, just thoughts. I really wish I knew about this sooner. Oh, how much good sex I've missed. Oh well, we'll make up for it soon enough.

Exercise, box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, no coffee, first blood, and good nutrition, ok.

I had trouble getting back to work after breaking for lunch, even if my mornings have been very productive for some days now,  and so, similar to first blood, I created what I call the Phoenix strategy, to rise from my ashes after lunch. Instead of taking a nap (which often turns into a movie), I box-breathe, do a long 45 minute Dr. Joe Dispenza's guided meditation (I often fall asleep for minutes at a time during it, and so I wake from it rested), make a cup of water or black tea (I know this is caffeine, but not as harsh as coffee), and get another 30 minute block of time in, and it has worked. It sparks me just enough to plunge back into work in the afternoon.

Strength to all of you my brothers!!!
« Last Edit: March 31, 2021, 10:18:43 PM by otanerferguson »
Hugo

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #53 on: April 01, 2021, 08:11:25 PM »
Day 43

Low energy today. I've been very flatliney.

See you tomorrow!
Hugo

otanerferguson

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #54 on: April 03, 2021, 04:37:01 AM »
Day 44

No porn. No masturbation.

Over the past two days I saw my newly found libido gone again. I feel very flat and emotionless. My penis is regular size though, not shriveled.

I did my morning routine just the same. We are on Easter holiday.

See you tomorrow.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2021, 04:39:26 AM by otanerferguson »
Hugo

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #55 on: April 03, 2021, 09:37:33 PM »
Day 45 - TRIGGER LANGUAGE WARNING

No porn. No masturbation. I am halfway through my reboot!!!

My girlfriend gave me head today. I still felt a little emotionless from yesterday, but after a minute of her fondling with my dick, it revived. I was hard throughout. I did not orgasm. We decided to wait. We said day 60, but this is helping me rewire to her. All in all a great day. I'm so happy to see my erections harder and holding longer.

Morning routine good. No good nutrition. We are on holiday after all.

See ya tomorrow!!!

Hugo

otanerferguson

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #56 on: April 04, 2021, 09:08:20 PM »
Day 46

No porn. No masturbation.

I woke up early with a massive rock hard boner. I was in bed all morning by myself watching TV and around 11 I fell back asleep and once again I woke up with another massive hard-on, very sensitive to touch. Not sensitive as in pain or tenderness, but as in "if I stroke this twice I will cum". I didn't, though.

Although, I've had bj's and even penetrated my girlfriend, I've gone 46 days without orgasm either. This has to be, without a doubt, the longest I've gone without one. Exactly two weeks from now, on day 60; that's when it will happen again.

Another thing that I've noticed is that my erect penis somehow looks longer than ever before. Noticeably longer. I don't know if that's the case because I did not measure it before, but it does seem that way.

Morning routine (at noon, but I still did it). Ate like a pig and had a cup of coffee. Tomorrow, I will be back on keto till next Saturday.

See ya tomorrow!

« Last Edit: April 04, 2021, 09:32:27 PM by otanerferguson »
Hugo

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #57 on: April 05, 2021, 06:53:21 PM »
Day 47

No porn. No masturbation.

A very uneventful back-to-work Monday. Energy levels seem normal now and I am able to perform well at my job. Nothing sexual in nature today. I didn't even fantasize and I did not have morning wood. Normal is ok. Normal feels like progress.

Exercise, box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, first blood, 45 min afternoon meditation, phoenix tactic, and good nutrition, ok. I did have a cup of coffee today.

See ya tomorrow.
« Last Edit: April 05, 2021, 09:43:41 PM by otanerferguson »
Hugo

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #58 on: April 06, 2021, 11:17:27 PM »
Day 48

No porn. No masturbation.

Today was all about work. I got so much done. Finally getting my brain back. I almost forgot to write here. It was a good day. Nothing sex related. I did not have morning wood, but I am confident I am making progress.

I noticed I am less obsessed with the reboot. Like I am able to go on with life.

Exercise, box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, first blood, 45 min afternoon meditation, phoenix tactic, and good nutrition, ok.

See ya tomorrow!
« Last Edit: April 06, 2021, 11:20:27 PM by otanerferguson »
Hugo

Phineas 808

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #59 on: April 07, 2021, 09:18:01 AM »
Congratulations, Hugo, on day 48!

Quote
I noticed I am less obsessed with the reboot. Like I am able to go on with life.

This is exactly where you want to be, and what works for the porn is not an option mindset. You want to do what is necessary to set yourself up for success each day, and just forget about it- set it, and forget it. Just go about your day as if there's nothing wrong- because there isn't. You're simply changing an unwanted habit, that's all.

Those who are constantly obsessing about their reboot/recovery are usually white-knuckling, anyway.

Quote
...box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, ...first blood, 45 min afternoon meditation, phoenix tactic

Is box-breathing similar to Taoist or Buddhist breathing?

Could you explain what you mean by 'first blood'?

And, what is 'phoenix tactic'?

Thank you.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2021, 09:19:45 AM by Phineas 808 »

otanerferguson

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #60 on: April 07, 2021, 07:00:49 PM »
Day 49

No porn. No masturbation.

Another good day at work. More and more I am able to engage with my work consistently by daisy-chaining habits. It's amazing that only a few weeks ago, this was inconceivable to me. If the body juices aren't there, no habit will motivate you to act. You will even sabotage your habits on purpose, not to engage. Nothing related to sex today. I did have morning wood, although fleeting after waking up.

Journaling has been so helpful in this journey, not just for rebooting but for life in general, that I've started a "work journal" just to keep track and find ways to improve at work. I'm on a 10-day streak in that one. That will give continuity to this transformative habit once the 90 days of the reboot are up.

Exercise, box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, first blood, 45 min afternoon meditation, phoenix tactic, and good nutrition, ok.

See ya tomorrow!

This is exactly where you want to be, and what works for the porn is not an option mindset. You want to do what is necessary to set yourself up for success each day, and just forget about it- set it, and forget it. Just go about your day as if there's nothing wrong- because there isn't. You're simply changing an unwanted habit, that's all.
Those who are constantly obsessing about their reboot/recovery are usually white-knuckling, anyway.

Heey Phineas 808, thanks for stopping by again and the encouragement. I see your journey has been going great in your new streak. Power to you my friend. Yes, you are right, set it and forget it is the way. I think that my initial obsession with the reboot was that I just wasn't sure if it would work for my ED and was scared that all this was in vain. In the past, I had tried to lose weight, increase my testosterone, do kegels, improve my prostate health, you name it. All in the hopes that that would take care of my ED and after trying each of those avenues (some for long stretches of time) and seeing no results I was just frustrated. It felt like trying to turn on the lights by turning the faucet on. You know, pulling the wrong levers. I guess I feared the reboot would be the same. But even at this early-to-mid stage I was able to see massive improvements in that area, so now that I know it's working I'm just following through and don't need to check everyday if the symptoms of the day are similar to those of guys who recovered. I've now become very protective of my mindset too and, perhaps selfishly, I'm just focusing on my own progress. I feel like stumbling upon stories about relapsing brings my mood down so I now actively avoid that from happening, just by not reading any journals. I don't even listen to depressing music, since I found out that music goes into your brain without having to be interpreted by the brain like sight or the other senses, for example. Just raw information coming in and making it through to your skull 100% unaltered. Grunge in - shotgun shell out. 

I never linked porn to ED; it's just unintuitive, and I masturbated to it more out of habit than anything else. Just knowing that that's my dick's kryptonite led me to easily abandoning it and I haven't craved it once. Knock on wood; pun intended.

ED (even if into the future, for those who haven't developed it) is just too high a cost of porn to even be tempted. I wouldn't wish ED on my worst enemy. It's like a curse.

I don't want to jinx it, but this time it seems like the curse is lifting. But that doesn't mean I can let go. On the contrary, now is the time to double down and continue getting better.

Is box-breathing similar to Taoist or Buddhist breathing?
Could you explain what you mean by 'first blood'?
And, what is 'phoenix tactic'?

Yes, well more or less, box-breathing is just one of many of the pranayama breathing techniques from ashtanga yoga and it's just something navy seals do to reset their heart rate, change their physiology, and trigger a flow state before engaging during a mission (I'm not a seal). It's conveniently packaged in an app for both iPhone and Android. I was taught about this a few years ago and doing it consistently every day has been one of the most transformative things in my life. No exaggeration.

I came up with the following techniques when I started to come out of my first flatline to be able to engage. I had deadlines coming and needed to get back to work (I work from home), so...

First Blood: Are you familiar with the pomodoro technique of chunking work tasks in 25 or whatever minute intervals? Well, First Blood is just doing one pomodoro of work right at the end of my daisy-chain of habits in the morning (hydration, 10 minute HIIT, box-breathing, 15 minute meditation with the Brain.FM app, and cold shower, Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song to prime myself), before checking e-mail. The name comes from being able to inflict the first blow of damage in my daily battle against the procrastination monster. After each pomodoro completed I move a paper clip from one side of my desk to the other, and so, doing that first one on Auto encourages me to go for a second clip, and hopefully another one, and another one, etc. But if that doesn't happen (which luckily it has) at least I will have put in 30 minutes that day, regardless.

The Phoenix Tactic: The first blood technique has been quite effective. However, working so diligently in the morning left me exhausted by lunch time, and I found myself just taking a nap that later turned into a little bit of TV, and then a whole movie, and before I realized it, it was dinner time and I would not engage again. So I thought, "I need an afternoon system like First Blood". And so I came up with the Phoenix Tactic, named after the mythological bird that rises from its ashes, as a metaphor for my dead morning self rising to work again. Since my juices really get depleted from working all morning on intellectual tasks diligently, I did need the rest, but now after lunch, I do box-breathing, and do a 45 minute Dr. Joe Dispenza meditation during which I fall in deep trance or sometimes I just fall asleep for long stretches of it, but sitting down on an armchair, not lying in bed. The result is that I come out of it fully rested. I make a cup of tea, put on Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song, and then get another pomodoro in, just like with first blood. I've seen that more often than not, it will result in several pomodoros in the afternoon/early evening before dinner.

That now means that regardless of my mood, I will still get 1 hour of work done just because it's part of my habit stack. Both techniques came after reading time and time again in this journal that I hadn't been able to engage. That's why I've been humbled by the power of journaling.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2021, 10:59:27 PM by otanerferguson »
Hugo

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #61 on: April 08, 2021, 05:47:39 PM »
Day 50 - The Big Five-O

No porn. No masturbation.

Although it is not one of my goals (60 is really the next one), fifty feels very official. I'll take a minute to celebrate and thank everyone here for their stories and encouragement. I couldn't have gotten this far without the amazing community here. There's still a long stretch ahead, but somehow it feels less daunting because of all of the people here. Also, thank you Gabe for creating this space.

I felt normal today. Work was great, I had lunch at my mom's, and I feel very healthy. Nothing sexual today, and no morning wood, but it doesn't feel like a flatline.

Exercise, box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, first blood, 45 min afternoon meditation, phoenix tactic, and good nutrition, ok.

See ya tomorrow!
Hugo

otanerferguson

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Re: When you believe in magic
« Reply #62 on: April 09, 2021, 08:38:06 PM »
Day 51 - TRIGGER LANGUAGE WARNING

No porn. No masturbation.

Work going great.

I was horny all afternoon. Not actually fantasizing or anything, but I just got this permanent tingly sensation in my genitals (not hard but like ready to get hard given any female stimulus) and at times I would get these flashbacks of the different real vaginas I've seen in my life, of trimmed pubic hair, blonde, black, red, no hair, of lips of all kinds and sizes, of different scents. For the first time in a long while I actually said to myself out loud "I need to get me some pussy". My girlfriend is on field assignment hundreds of miles away, so that'll have to wait.

But how about that, huh?

Exercise, box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, first blood, 45 min afternoon meditation, phoenix tactic, and good nutrition, ok.
« Last Edit: Today at 01:07:07 AM by otanerferguson »
Hugo