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Discobolus: New 90 Day Reboot Journal

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It’s been a while since I’ve been on here so figured I’d start with a new journal.

I’ve really been struggling lately with some bad ED. If I take Viagra I can usually get it up just fine but it goes limp during intercourse and it’s never coming back. Honestly sex had become a very anxiety inducing activity due to this. I was constantly worried if I had take the viagra too soon, too late, was my stomach empty enough. I’d go pee and would worry if I didn’t get a little hard from that. My wife was sure a trooper though and every other night or so she was ready and willing to try again.

I think the problem is multi factorial and although porn is definitely part of the problem performance anxiety plays a big role.

It was getting to the point that I was beginning to feel pretty depressed and made the decision to just stop trying to have sex for a while and maybe stop this performance anxiety loop. I think my wife respected my decision but I think she also feels hurt because I basically made a unilateral decision to put our sex life on hold for a while. I think the irony is that she’s done the same thing before.

I think even without the ED I was beginning to fall into a depression.

1. I’m a hospital doctor and I’m knee deep in the pandemic. COVID is about all I treat anymore and I’ve seen more people die recently that I even want to think about. I’m almost about to cry even writing about this. I got a phone call a few nights ago in the middle of the night that a patient had passed and that one hit me particularly hard.
2. I had recently starting working on my bodybuilding endeavors again. I’ve lost 26 pounds since December 14th and haven’t cheated on my diet since NYE. I get cheat meals but they are not frequent. Whether good or bad food was a source of comfort for me and now I don’t have that.
3. Sex was a form of comfort for me and I don’t have that either, even though it’s self imposed.
4. I’m working for the same hospital but I’m no longer employed by the hospital, I’m employed by a physician staffing agency. In the process of the switch they fired the other hospitalist and now I’m having to work significantly more. I used to work 7 days on 7 days off.  Now they have another doctor that can work a few days here and there but I work the rest. For example on my normal schedule I would have worked 14 days in January, I’m working 21 days this January.
5. There are some other things going on that a minor stressors. For example we just bought a new house and there will be some moving and renovations in the coming months. I’m also having some stress with my children mostly due to me not putting proper restrictions on their electronics use. The first grader has become quite lazy and all he wants to do is play Minecraft. I’m working on that.

Anyway, I’m currently on day 5 of hard mode with no porn, no masturbation, and no orgasm even with the wife. It actually hasn’t been that hard. I guess I’m probably in a flatline. I know I’ll come out of this and I’m trying harder not to be so down but life just really hit me hard a few days ago. I can tell my wife is worried about me. I’ve talked to her about all this other than the porn. She knows I’ve struggled in the past but I don’t think she knows how recent. I don’t think she knows how to deal with me turning down sex.

5 days no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm (hard mode)
4 days no social media

Today actually ended up being a good day. I was feeling really, really down this morning with lots of negative and even dark thoughts.

I got a nurse practitioner in the family to write me a script for Wellbutrin and I picked that up today. I took my first dose and a few hours later felt like a new person. Wellbutrin actually increases dopamine levels and not serotonin levels. It’s actually been shown to improve ED and not cause it.

After school I took the boys to the new house and we played football in the huge yard (2.2 acres) then we went inside and fired up the home theater and watched part of Return of the Jedi. Then the oldest left to go to a basketball game (wife is the coach) and when they got back we had family movie night with popcorn (the previous owners left a movie theater popcorn maker), sodas, and candy. It was a lot of fun.

I’m actually feeling pretty good. I’m not feeling really horny or confident in my erections but it’s only been 5 days. I feel much better emotionally.

I think I can understand your situation, D. And believe me: it is really remarkable the fact that you start reboot under your particularly stressing circumstances!

As a short introduction: I am a university prof, 60 y.o., and have a partner. I have no ED but no ejaculations, and this is my main driver to start reboot. I am convinced that my problem is that I got ejaculations only through M until very recently,  thus my brain should "forget" that very special way of getting to the end and be "rewired" to the usual way.

However, stress matters a lot. We all are in smart working and delivering lectures remotely has proven to be challenging and time consuming: the stress certainly does not help. I have spent few weeks in flatline, now since a week I start feeling a change but it takes time (I know because I already had a previous reboot which lasted a little less than four months, and I saw the results...).

I think it would be pretentious to give you whatsoever advices, but I would like to let you know that what helped me a lot was  to have longer preliminaries with my girlfriend before the real intercourse, and to be open about the reasons of my stress (she is a high school teacher, so she also is stressed since the beginning of this pandemic).

7 days no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm (hard mode)
6 days no social media

Today was a pretty good day. Went to my 6 year olds youth league basketball game and they lost 56-2. After that we went out to eat. Both my wife and I have had the COVID vaccine so we aren’t that worried any more about dining out.

We then went to the new house and watched some movies and also ripped up all the carpet. Most we will be replacing with hardwood and the rest with new carpet. I’ll be honest home improvement really isn’t my forte. Most of it we will hire it done but ripping up the old carpets is easy enough.

I’be got maybe a little bit more libido and some slight spontaneous erections going on but not much.

8 days no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm (hard mode)
7 days no social media

Pretty good day today. Spent most of the day at our new house ripping up carpet pads and measuring rooms. Not really feeling much as far as libido and spontaneous erections.

My wife found out a coworker has COVID so we are trying to figure out testing and quarantine. All of us have runny noses and mild sore throats but for me it started with exposure to lots of dust when pulling carpet. I’ve had both doses of the Pfizer vaccine and my wife is 16 days out from her first dose of the Moderna vaccine.

I have to go back to work tomorrow for the next 9 days. At least I’ll be treating patients and not doing home improvement projects.


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