Reboot Journal

[Aussie_85]

Hey guys,

I first discovered the nofap/YBOP community around 6 or so years ago. At that time i was in my late twenties, living in my bedroom at my parents house, unemployed, no car, single, no life.

My days literally revolved around edging for insane amounts of time - at least 7 or so hours a day., playing COD and feeling sorry for myself. I was a complete loser, period. I made a white knuckle attempt at quitting porn and managed a 94 day streak on hard mode, had hardcore bed-ridding withdrawals that were quite frankly hell. I relapsed, spent the next year or so in a cycle of trying to quit (think i made it 10 days max) then going on relapse binges. I was a member of YBR and basically struggled for a few years going back and forth wondering where i was going wrong, i was alone, scared....and lost.

Basically i gave up after a while. I  figured i wasn't strong enough to quit porn and that I'd quite literally wasted the majority of my 20's masturbating over pixels while my childhood friends got married, travelled the world and lived life. i was honestly close to suicide. That really scares me now. I used to think about how much of a relief it would be to not be alive anymore, horrible. And porn was the ultimate escape, I've always had a really good imagination so i can really immerse myself in the scenes, pictures or fantasies that i PMO over..i don't just masturbate over content, i put myself in the scenes within my mind.

Fast forward to now, I'm 35 & in a long term relationship with my teenage sweetheart - we got back together 5 years ago. My daughter is 11 days old. I own a 5 bedroom house, brand new car - I'm literally living the dream. without a shadow of a doubt, it was plain blind luck. I put a lot of effort in, sure. I decided "fuck it"...i no longer cared about anxiety/social anxiety and depression....i just kind of cruised into my new life. But not enjoying it,at all really. It's hard to put into words the complete polar opposite life i have now. And I've been fapping away the whole time. For the entirety of our relationship I've been using porn, daily. And i still have no "Spark" for life. everything seems dull and boring, i have no interest in forming friendships, having hobbies etc....addiction is a miserable place to be. I have what I'd call "minor" ED. I've never not been able to have sex, i guess it's because i lost my virginity at age 13, and had sex with girls all throughout my teenage years. It wasn't until i was around 19/20 that my addiction started really fucking with my life - but i have the generic "found magazines, used old VHS porn tapes etc" story as everyone else in my age range. Over the last 12 months or so though my erections are getting weaker,

I'm currently on 20 days no PMO - hard mode. There's much more to my story so I'll add more as the months (and possibly years) roll on. Because of the severity of my addiction and escalation of material used I'm prepared for a long reboot - easily 12 months, more than likely 2 years to fully recover, which i can say without any doubt i will easily do, i'll never look at porn or masturbate again, i hit bottom and I'm done.

Seeing my daughter come into this world, and knowing I'm responsible for her and my beautiful partner...changed me. coming to the cold hard truth of how I've wasted a lot of my youth wanking over a screen, escaping my bullshit missing out on all of the amazing things life can offer - changed me. And there's no one else to blame but myself.

[Readytoreboot]

Welcome back to the no fap community and thanks for sharing your story. P became an escape for me in many ways and I can relate to the pain of this addiction. It had brought me to a low point in life and pulling myself away from P is a journey im still on. Although Ive had a lot of fun traveling the world and partying in my twenties, all the time I spent on P was too much time wasted that Ill never get back. Its good to hear that youre motivated to rid P from your life once and for all and I look forward to hearing more about your journey. Good luck mate

[Phineas 808]

Welcome to Reboot Nation, Ausie-85!

I can resonate with your story in many ways, and am interested in your journey from here out.

I appreciate your attitude and determination, if there's any way I can be of help, please let me know.

On my journal's page 1, I have a lot of links that may be beneficial.

Good going on 20 days hard mode!

[Aussie_85]

Welcome back to the no fap community and thanks for sharing your story. P became an escape for me in many ways and I can relate to the pain of this addiction. It had brought me to a low point in life and pulling myself away from P is a journey im still on. Although Ive had a lot of fun traveling the world and partying in my twenties, all the time I spent on P was too much time wasted that Ill never get back. Its good to hear that youre motivated to rid P from your life once and for all and I look forward to hearing more about your journey. Good luck mate

Hey mate thanks for the post,

escaping using porn is so powerful. Literally any issue can be forgotten about whilst doing it, I've tried different drugs in the past - some were fun, none compared to the overall power of porn. I'm glad you got to travel and party, luckily for me i didn't really get isolated majorly until around 25... from 16 - 22 i partied hard - Raves ( back when they were actually raves, not the commercialised shit these days) clubs, house parties. I'm grateful i got to have heaps of fun nights, I've read about guys over the years who have never even been to a club/party, virgins at my age. So although i missed out on some stuff, not all and i have plenty of good memories. I basically spent roughly 4 years in a room at my parents place PMO'ing, venturing out only to score weed. Travelling can be done at any age and enjoyed, partying can't....not really anyway. Once you hit 30 everyone has moved on, unfortunately - the scenes change and it went fast. Thanks again mate and good luck with your journey.

[Aussie_85]

Welcome to Reboot Nation, Ausie-85!

I can resonate with your story in many ways, and am interested in your journey from here out.

I appreciate your attitude and determination, if there's any way I can be of help, please let me know.

On my journal's page 1, I have a lot of links that may be beneficial.

Good going on 20 days hard mode!

Hey mate,

Thanks for the post! I'll check out and sub to your journal!

[Pdub]

Seeing my daughter come into this world, and knowing I'm responsible for her and my beautiful partner...changed me. coming to the cold hard truth of how I've wasted a lot of my youth wanking over a screen, escaping my bullshit missing out on all of the amazing things life can offer - changed me. And there's no one else to blame but myself.

Man I can relate to that.  Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like had I not ever gotten into porn.  Had I had a steady girlfriend in high school? Would I have not gotten into smoking cannabis? I kick myself a lot even though I'm doing relatively ok, kind of like your situation.

Congrats on your 20 days! That's huge! You sound like you have a lot of reasons to keep going with it.  Reminding oneself about those reasons helps a lot in recovery.

[Jimmyjazz]

Congratulation for you decision, I have a daughter and I can really understand what do you mean when you say that she changed you.
Recently I have read this into a book (I try to translate at my best): having a son it's not always wonderful as you see in movies but it remember you that despite your life is a mess and you are losing control there is always someone for which you can make the difference.

[Aussie_85]

Man I can relate to that.  Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like had I not ever gotten into porn.  Had I had a steady girlfriend in high school? Would I have not gotten into smoking cannabis? I kick myself a lot even though I'm doing relatively ok, kind of like your situation.

Congrats on your 20 days! That's huge! You sound like you have a lot of reasons to keep going with it.  Reminding oneself about those reasons helps a lot in recovery.

Hey Pdub thanks for the reply man,

It's hard not to wonder what life would be like had we not gone down the path of porn addiction. I'm lucky because I've ended up back with my first girlfriend from when i was 16! Best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm atheist but i do believe some things happen for a reason. It's also lucky that we are both in a good situation in other areas of life, it's going to be a hell of a lot easier for me this time around rebooting with a supportive partner who knows about my porn addiction, a nice house - financially secure. As i said in my inital post just 6 short years ago i literally had nothing but my small bedroom at my parents place.

I can say that without a doubt the most important part of having a happy fulfilling life is to be content with ourselves, I've never had it - always just found most things in my life to be boring or a hassle. Sensitization from 2 decades of porn use ( a decade of extreme use) is the cause, and I'm extremely grateful i have the opportunity to have gained the knowledge of the science behind why I'm like this. I could win 10 million on lotto, yeah it'd be awesome - but would i really be able to enjoy it they way i should be able to with my jacked up brain? No.

Thanks again man and good luck on your journey.

[Aussie_85]

Congratulation for you decision, I have a daughter and I can really understand what do you mean when you say that she changed you.
Recently I have read this into a book (I try to translate at my best): having a son it's not always wonderful as you see in movies but it remember you that despite your life is a mess and you are losing control there is always someone for which you can make the difference.

hey mate thanks for the post.

[Aussie_85]

Day: 21

I'm starting to notice some withdrawal symptoms over the past week, increased anxiety, worsening depressed moods, irritability, worsening insomnia, spaced out kind of foggy feeling, penis has gone into hiding - shrivelled. Not as bad as my 94 day streak but I'm preparing myself for it to get worse. My sleep hasn't been good for years now, due to working full time night shift 6 days a week for 3 years - not sure if porn has affected my sleep much, probably has. My routine would be get home from work at 7:00 am - wait until my girlfriend left for work, fap until around lunchtime - sleep until 9:00 pm and repeat.

With a newborn it takes sleep deprivation to a whole new level...it's awesome though I'm loving it. I have some renovation work to finish at our place over the next few weeks before i start working again so I'll be busy which is great for a rebooting brain. I plan on getting back into healthy eating and fitness training soon as well, I've let myself go over the past few years.

I know everyone has a different way of dealing with "nofap/ Rebooting" but i believe my mistake last time was trying to do to much to soon, setting to many goals while withdrawing. Going to hard to soon is just going to raise stress even more so it's about finding that balance of making improvements over time and limiting idle/alone time as much as possible, again easy for me now with a partner and baby!

not much else to report, keep going strong guys.

[Aussie_85]

Day: 22

The flatline has set in now. No desire for porn or sex, penis completely shrunken and cold. My daughter is keeping us very busy, which is great because i don't have the option to relapse in the sense that she needs our 24/7 care. On top of that i refuse to be a porn addict father.

what I've been thinking about today is my major triggers - Stress ( in any form) and lack of friends. Back when i was single and trying to reboot the mental pain was unbearable, i really think that's why I failed - to feel so alone is the worst feeling.

The problem is i find it hard to connect to people, I'm very quick to judge others actions towards me...and in my mature years - since say 30, people just plain irritate the fuck out of me. The older we get as men the harder it is to form friendships, and to be completely honest with myself I've never had good friends or been a good friend to anyone since teenage hood. On the other hand i haven't made effort to meet guys who are into the same things i am. I have a few acquaintances who are decent guys, we just don't click though and it's standard for us to not talk for long periods of time. I've even done little experiments where i wont contact them for a period of time...weeks ,over a month - and they wont check in. Seems like I'm the only one who reaches out. They just aren't "friends" those bro feels are simply not there - no ones fault i guess that's normal. What does annoy me is that they will claim we are super good friends, especially when drinking - it just seems so fake. I often get that gut feeling that they really don't like me much. It does get me down though, a lot. I'm considering proposing to my girlfriend, the only thing holding me back is that I'll have no one but family members to invite...and she has a huge group of friends to invite - I know it bothers her that i have no friends as well, understandably.

Using porn will never ever help me change my life or make new real, close friends - it's not like i want a massive group of mates just 2 would be fine - i know it's normal for friend numbers to dwindle as we age and people move on and have families etc.

Anyway that's all for today.

[Phineas 808]

Aussie_85,

I can fully relate to the friends thing, and relationships have always been a challenge for me. It seems, and I believe this to a large degree, is that my life was somehow fated this way. Yet, I don't view it as a fatalism, or a bad hand I've been dealt, but rather a challenge to rise above this.

I know that Porn is anti-intimacy, and against making real human connections, and this is no less true in the realm of friendships.

I actually get a long with women better, but my wife is very jealous, so there that is...

I do have one guy who we talk about philosophical or theological points of doctrine, etc, and politics sometimes, and we get along well. However, I mostly reach out to him (it is what it is). He always responds positively though. But we almost never talk about deeper things (family, personal), but we could if it was needed...

Good going on reaching out here, and hopefully we can be as helpful and uplifting as possible here in this forum.

[Bilbo Baggins]

Hey man,

Just dropping by to say hi. I like your journal, you have a nice way to tell your story. We’re all in the same boat, but at the same time your experiences are a bit different than what we usually read here. Seems you are dealing well with your reboot at the moment, keep it up.

Take care.

[Aussie_85]

Bilbo your name seems familiar to me man,

Were you on YBR years ago,with the same name? say 2014/15?

Thanks for the posts guys.

[Bilbo Baggins]

Yeah, my name is familiar to a lot of people. Just kidding...

No, it was not me. There was another Bilbo Baggins on YBR a few years ago, but that ain’t me (that guy was actually called BilboBagins, with one G). It’s not exactly the most original nickname, I know, and a weird one for a guy who doesn’t really like The Lord of the Rings... But it sure is a funny name, no doubt about that. And I don’t know for you, but I wouldn’t picture a hobbit jacking off on internet, so I figured that name would bring a little touch of chastity to my no-PMO journey...

Keep it up, man

[Aussie_85]

Cool Bilbo,

By the way how can one not like the lord of the rings or the hobbit trilogy? fucking classics man come on 

Day: 23

Spoke to my girlfriend and the plan is I'll be doing a 6 month hard mode reboot and then slowly re-introducing sex with O's. She's extremely supportive and loves me, I'm a lucky man.

One weird thing i noticed today while waiting for a script at the pharmacy, i got a massive dizzy spell for about 20 seconds, i was sitting down and felt like i was almost going to pass out. Could be panic/anxiety - although there was no anxiety before it hit. I do remember dizziness during my 94 day streak so possibly WD's are starting to really kick in now.

Phinaes:

I can say that my friend issues are entirely my fault. I've had guys i worked with that i really get along with ask me to go have drinks, and i make excuses. For one because i was doing 6 nightshifts per week so wanted my one night off - and secondly because i wanted all my spare alone time to be quality porn time. After multiple times of making excuses people ( very understandably) must think i don't like them, and then become weird around me - i completely understand that and i feel like shit for putting them in that situation because they really are good guys who i have a lot in common with. Self sabotage is a common occurrence throughout my life.

2 years ago i grew weed outdoors - it's illegal to grow here (besides very newly approved medicinal cannabis, that I'm actually prescribed) i grew 4 plants all up, 2 at a time Autoflowers, and for a first time grower did a really good job, i was quite impressed with the quality and yield - which then enabled me to get super high daily after working nights and use porn for 5 - 7 hours per day. To be completely honest...the whole reason i grew my own was so i could be stoned while using porn, for me it was the ultimate pleasure. I researched the hell out of every aspect of growing.

I was prescribed medical grade THC oil for insomnia due to long term night shift about 12 months ago - and that took shit to a whole new level - the oil was so strong that i'd be high for 10 hours of one dose.

i love weed but its to triggering for me to PMO. Plus my girlfriend got super pissed that the house absolutely stank for a week while drying.

thats all for now.

[Aussie_85]

Day: 24

Had some minor urges today for the first time in a week or so. Fleeting and easy to disregard, especially that I have no time to act on them which is awesome.

Death gripping:

For the longest time this was the technique I've used, and it's done damage to my penis - not permanent though. I'm using a product "Man 1 Man Oil" that I'd highly recommend, it's helps the healing of penile tissue. It's a bit pricey, especially for me because I get it shipped from the US.

Manhoods:

Another method i used years ago to help heal damage from being circumcised, a condition called keratinization - because circumcision isn't natural, sometimes a process begins where the glans (head) of the penis becomes dry and rough. It also causes loss of sensitivity. I had a traumatic start to puberty at age 12. A few months before high school i started getting painful erections, told my parents because it hurt so bad - ended up having to be circumcised at 12 years old - and the keratinization of my knob was basically instant. This was a huge blow to my self esteem because i knew my penis head should not be rough, it didn't stop me hooking up with girls, I was just very self conscious about it. The manhood is a small garment worn over the penis that actually reverses the damage done and de-keratinizes the glans tissue - thus having a smooth knob. I'll start using my manhoods again soon, they can be a pain in the ass to wear.

The Reason For My Journaling

Is first and foremost so i can get my thoughts out, anonymously. So if your reading my journal and it's all over the place with random shit in my daily updates, it's just my way of dealing with things and i find it very therapeutic.

Secondly for support, which i appreciate. I do ask that anything about sex in general from here on out be kept to a minimum as I want a complete break from everything sexually related. When sex pops into my mind now I really push those thoughts out and think of something else, my brain needs a break to recover.

that's all for today, peace out.

[scott.84]

Hi Aussie,

congrats on day 24! This is awesome I'm on day 5 and hope to reach day 90 without PMO.

As concerns circumcision it's possible to restore the foreskin with special devices. I'm doing that for about 16 months and I like seeing my foreskin grow and I already feel a change in sensitivity in the glans when it has been covered so it couldn't get dry. But the lack of sensitivity is just one part of my problem, this is why I have started my reboot 5 days ago. I hope I can have both a reboot and a restauration at once...

But the important thing is that it's really good to read from someone reaching day 24. It really gave me a good feeling and motivates me to keep going 

[Aussie_85]

Hi scott.84,

Thanks man, 5 days is a great start!

I decided not to restore my foreskin, after a lot of research on it - it's  a huge effort and commitment! good on you for doing it. If the manhood gives me a smooth more sensitive glans then I'll be more than happy.

Day: 25

Rough day today fatigue wise - insomnia as a withdrawal symptom + having a new-born is tough work. I also wouldn't recommend for you to reboot while having a baby either lol....it's a massive shock to the system.

I'm becoming more irritable to, deffo WD's are hitting.

That's all for today.

[Orbiter]

Hey Aussie,

I could imagine the sleep deprivation, busy-ness of fatherhood mixed with rebooting at the same time has gotta be pretty stressful. It might also be good in keeping you occupied? A double-edged sword maybe.

Congratulations on the 25 days though, that's a solid chunk of days clean and it's sometimes easy to forget in times of stress how much better you're probably feeling for it. As you say, look after yourself the best you can one day and a time and just keep going.

You got this man!

[Aussie_85]

thanks mate!

[SebNZ]

Welcome back to the no fap community and thanks for sharing your story. P became an escape for me in many ways and I can relate to the pain of this addiction. It had brought me to a low point in life and pulling myself away from P is a journey im still on. Although Ive had a lot of fun traveling the world and partying in my twenties, all the time I spent on P was too much time wasted that Ill never get back. Its good to hear that youre motivated to rid P from your life once and for all and I look forward to hearing more about your journey. Good luck mate

Hey mate thanks for the post,

escaping using porn is so powerful. Literally any issue can be forgotten about whilst doing it, I've tried different drugs in the past - some were fun, none compared to the overall power of porn. I'm glad you got to travel and party, luckily for me i didn't really get isolated majorly until around 25... from 16 - 22 i partied hard - Raves ( back when they were actually raves, not the commercialised shit these days) clubs, house parties. I'm grateful i got to have heaps of fun nights, I've read about guys over the years who have never even been to a club/party, virgins at my age. So although i missed out on some stuff, not all and i have plenty of good memories. I basically spent roughly 4 years in a room at my parents place PMO'ing, venturing out only to score weed. Travelling can be done at any age and enjoyed, partying can't....not really anyway. Once you hit 30 everyone has moved on, unfortunately - the scenes change and it went fast. Thanks again mate and good luck with your journey.

I've used drugs in the past too...none of the stuff I tried comes close to porn. But if I'm honest, that is probably mainly because they cost a lot more $$$ and take a bit of effort to get. Porn is free and instant and can be done in secrecy. It's almost funny how perfect an addictive 'substance' it is.

BTW congrats on the daughter. I myself am not planning to have children, but I often think it would change me for the better. It sounds like (despite the sleep deprivation ) it is having a positive impact on you, which is great.

[Aussie_85]

Hey man,

It's a hard thing to really explain and your right with the part of it being free, easily accessible. And it's kind of silent in a way. It's not as damaging or "dangerous" as hard drugs. you can use it everyday and wont die, or fry your brain to the point of being drug fucked.

 The best nights of my life were spent on ecstasy on dancefloors of clubs and raves in Sydney - back in the day 2003 - 2008.2008 was the last time I did hard drugs. I'm really grateful I was lucky enough to experience the dance music scene when I did, it's completely fucked now. So the actual feelings of drugs "feel" better obviously than fapping, the high that is - but it's fleeting where porn is always there and can be used as an escape for me personally, way more effectively than drugs.

I'm interested in researching if men use imagination as much as me in their use - as I've said in past posts i will literally make up stories as I'm going in my mind putting myself in the scenes and completely losing myself - instead of, in comparison - watching porn and thinking "she's hot" and just masturbating over the physical looks of her. which i did do to, but mostly the playing out weird ass long and detailed scripts in my mind like i was a fucking author or some shit, whilst fapping.

Thanks for your post Seb, wishing the best for you.

Day: 26

Shits getting real now. My dick is completely dead, shrunken. no sex drive. Increased anxiety, dizziness, insomnia...and this ever increasing hungover scattered kind of Derrrrr feeling. It's like the anhedonia type nothing is pleasurable feeling x 10. Just a complete lack of drive to live (sounds fucked). I know this is normal and is due to further decline in dopamine and rising in stress hormones etc.

Time is also slowing right down, the last 4 days seems like 2 weeks. My daughter is keeping us both busty and I'm always doing shit around the house which helps me not go into a negative mind space. The yards were fun today in 35 Celsius heat.

So as I've said I'll never look at porn or masturbate again. For me masturbation is pointless and to close to porn for me to go back to. Why wank when i basically have sex on tap, and if I were single ( if you are and reading this) believe me it's worth waiting for a woman. I was at a stage once where I had to pay for sex, and i paid - a lot. over 10 years thousands of dollars on pro's....I'd say over 150 prostitutes. i thought i would Never find a woman to be with, "how could anyone ever love me?" - i was in a very very dark place, and i can assure anyone reading this that life has a funny way of throwing curve balls at you. I also started noticing things, attractive, intelligent women are with complete dumbass ugly guys...how? why? it's confidence and no fucks given - if your smart, that's a huge plus for women, looks can be worked on with diet and exercise - but basically just being aware of how just bizarre most of society is puts you a step up as far as picking up women - people are in their own little worlds who rarely think about shit deeply like mortality, fleeting youth etc - a lot of  people are selfish and dumb to put it bluntly lol.

That's all for today.

[Bilbo Baggins]

That was interesting, especially the last part. But I’d go further than what you said: being aware of yourself and of the world you live in isn’t just detrimental to your relationships towards women, but to almost everything, basically. Somehow, being aware that you are alive, that you have to make choices, that there are different ways to do things, that there are things that are good for you and some that are bad for you, all of that, turn existence into a complicated thing. Animals don’t live like that, they don’t reflect on existence, they just exist. There’s no such things as PIED, or addictions, or envy, or anything like that in the animal world. The more you think, the more you worry... And the more you worry, the less natural becomes your existence. I believe that’s why women like men who don’t worry that much: they are more alive, more instinctive. You don’t attract people with wise observations, or because you can analyze things properly, you attract them with good vibes. Worrying about everything kills those vibes, and it becomes a vicious cycle, because the more you worry, the more shitty becomes your life, which eventually leads to you worrying even more. So I guess rebooting is not just about staying away from porn, but also about changing the way you live. In other words, it’s about trying to become healthy. It’s probably the same with all addictions, I mean, you don’t become an alcoholic or a drug addict just for fun. You do that because you’re not in peace with yourself, because you probably feel emotionally overwhelmed very often and use substances to somehow ease the pain and discomfort. That’s how it is for me, anyway.

Thanks for your post. It made me realize just how much I overthink and worry. It’s probably a good idea to avoid doing this as much as possible. Most of the time, it doesn’t help you in any way, and it’s probably very detrimental for your general well-being. I will try to work on that.

[Aussie_85]

Absolutuely bro some very good points made.

Its a balance between being aware of life/things but not worrying/stressing. Spot on about women being attracted to the care free vibes, when you move past the initial "pickup" though they want a stable guy who they feel safe with - physically and emotionally, if your so carefree that your a hispter hippie, in our 30's.....that becomes an issue.

Being wound up tight and stressed, anxious and scared of rejection is what is so hard for porn addicts to get over and not project onto others in social situations.

I like talking about this shit, sociology is an interest of mine.

Thanks for your post.