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This is my story, I need advice, please

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Poptartgod12341234:
This is my story of DE then PIED in high school 15-16, the first while is me talking about starting PMO  then I talk about my first girlfriend and my first experience with PIED then at the end it talk about my recovery. This is for anyone who shared a similar story to mine(I haven’t found one like it yet) or anyone that has advice to give. I really don’t know where i stand on my recovery and would love some recovery advice as well as some guesses on the big question *how long will it take?
Ok well I started MO at 12 and thought I was a genius, did some research and quickly realized I wasn’t. I didn’t start watching porn for another few months. When I did start watching it it was just PORN and no PMO. After some more months I combined them together and started PMO. Pretty normal to what I have read I would PMO 4 times in a day or I would PMO one time in four days. In hind sight I was definitely doing it to much. But it didn’t feel that way. From everything I could gather I was being “normal”. (Bad trap to fall into). I was shy as a kid but grew out of it pretty fast and after playing a lot of video games, skating, playing sports, banging my head on the desk and jerking off constantly. I made it through middle school and into high school. My freshman year I hung out with some of the same people being stupid cracking jokes and maybe smoking a little weed. When spring time come around I started playing high school ball. I’ve always been a good worker and talented athlete so I was able to make varsity as a freshman. After making it on the team and making some new upperclassman friends my confidence went through the roof which led to more friends which led to more confidence. By the first week something changed and I had become funnier, smarter ,Whittier, and all around x10 more charming as well as confident like I said. By two Weeks in my stupid freshman ass was getting hammered every weekend. I was going to parties with beautiful girls and drinking and hanging out with awesome guys that are still some of my favorite and close friends today. I didn’t know high school could be so fun and it felt amazing. Now this is Hubris rise and fall. Being on top of my tiny little world. I was told I was missing one thing. A girlfriend. So being the pet freshman to all my junior and senior buddies. I was getting egged on to lose my virginity like you wouldn’t believe. Even though I’m a pretty attractive guy I was struggling with this. I was more charming and confident then ever but I wasn’t getting any girls to come home with me. I think I was giving off the I just want to fuck vibe to much or something not sure. Like I said I was being stupid I didn’t know how to connect with a girl yet. Then at some point I started talking to my first real girl friend we will name her “bob”. Bob was great very Beautiful very sexy. Smart, funny, interesting, definitely all over the place. She made it clear that she just wanted to HU I though jee wiz that’s great I can just HU lose my virginity to this cool smoking hot upper class man and be a man among boys. I would be a legend. What I didn’t get was that she didn’t want to fuck me. She just wanted everything else. I really didn’t mind she was way hotter and older than me so she had a lot of control in the relationship.We started HU at a lot of parties (not sex) we started seeing a lot more of each other. Even thought we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend we very quick where filling in that Role for each other. During this whole relationship I was horny as could be I though that how I naturally was which could be true but I think it has in part to do with watching porn like a maniac. We HU a ton and she never got me off. I thought This was because I was so worried about getting off to early before I dated her. That I had made myself a machine “practicing with porn”. In reality This was just me having DE or delayed ejaculation. But she didn’t blame me she just blamed herself. I told her word for word, “ I’m just a hard nut to crack”. Jesus save me. This was also really bad for me because I would get blue balls go home and jerk for as long as I could to try to subside the pain with pleasure. Makes me cringe to think about today. Anyway that how I got down the path of PIED. Because the lady they call bob over here “wasn’t satisfying my needs” I craved porn for that release. Such a dick move by me. Anyway you’ve heard the story or worse you’ve experienced it. We planned to have sex the two days before sex my dick just a didn’t feel right no Lobito no excitement no nothing. When we got together to have sex. My dick was as dead as a door knob not just that it had shrunk to nothingness. I hope you haven’t experienced this but man oh man Does it such. The pain in your gut and heart is Devastating. She was a Beautiful, amazing sexy girl and I just couldn’t do anything about it. This was months into our relationship. And before this I was getting rock hard boners cuddling. If I knew at the time what was wrong I would have told her but I really was at a lose for words. We didn’t talk about it or do really anything about it after the fact. I was amazed I’d wanted this for so long I felt ready but I just couldn’t do it, my dick didn’t want to. Because we didn’t have a label on the relationship. It was hard to talk about the mushy stuffy.(Not the PIED the other mushy stuff) We both were not those people anyway. But man oh man did I love this girl, bob had grown to mean so much to me and I swear to you she love me just as much. There were some times where we were both without realizing it trying to tell it to each other. But neither of us could man up to say it. Neither of us could be vulnerable for good reasons. But shit we loved each other but neither of us new it. There was a time where I thought she was going to say and then I though I was going to say it and then I thought she was going to say it again. Not even knowing how I felt I just wanted to say it but I didn’t and I think she felt the same way. In those moment I would look into her eyes and I could feel the world moving under me. Moving on About a odd week after we fail to have sex, I was at my buddies house ( a mutual friend of ours) I went to answer the door and all of a sudden. It was over. It was like those scenes of a movie where every noise goes quiet and you zoom in on the person giving bad news. I didn’t even know what was happening. I just say her face caked with snot and tears. Before I could muster the strength in my vocal cords to speak she was across the lawn walking to her car. Sooooo didn’t really take it well my buddy got me drunk but I felt more sober then even. He tried to get to HU with a girl that though I was cute. I wasn’t even scared to, I just didn’t want to. I just felt dead empty, no emotions or sadness but more of the sense that a peg just fell out of place . A few days later I heard word while visiting my friend at his work that she had fucked every guy in sight. So pretty much it felt like she shot me with the .50 cal to the head, heart, and dick.

This was my fall.

I stopped going out.
when I did I just zoned out everyone knew I was heart broken. Everyone either felt bad for me being so sad and gave me pity or thought I was pathetic. Whatever they thought I didn’t care I just felt empty. It was bad but I’ve known worse. I just didn’t feel like it should have happened. Anyway I figure that I needed to figure out why I had ED.

THE RECOVERY ( Advice or judgment needed)

Did some research found Your brain on porn. Watched some videos and got super basic info. I hated all the information I read. it made me super bummed on what was happening to me. Soooo I read the bare minimum didn’t get properly educated and so i didn’t know about hard mode or 90days. Rather doing the best thing which is hard mode. I did super easy mode. So at the beginning of sophomore year I stopped watching porn thought that would fix it and it didn’t. Did 30 day no fap at the end of the 30 day I got right back into jerking off to girls on Instagram. Edging was a big part. Really bad. Did that for months then I finally stopped jerking off to Instagram. I started normally masterbating without fantasy or a few weeks then a went back to Instagram. After a fail of a sophomore year where I really only kissed a few girl i terms of really life sexual interacting. I started a harder mode over the summer I tired of that 90 days hard mode I failed after repeatedly going back to Instagram after 20days then 40 days then 20 days ext. I Kept failing with little binges in between but then I finally
Got on my most recent streak of absolute monk mode. I’ve been porn and Instagram free while preventing anything I can prevent that could be sexual stimulation or anything I could use as sexually stimulating. I try to talk to as many girl as possible. I’m always flirty and hitting on girl harmlessly. It has been 87 days no PMO up until. Here’s the bad news. I relapsed last night I edged to Instagram for like 30 minutes after getting home hammered after hanging with my buddies. This last week I saw real improvements and was super confident I could get PIED under control within the next month to as soon as the next week. I only MO once and am not going to binge or do it again but how much will this set my back? Will I have to go another 90 days? Please set my mind at ease, my head is racing and I feel terrible about what I’ve done. Also I’d love to talk to anyone who’s had a similar story I’ll be active looking for a response and people to talk to about things. I just need help if you could offer it. Thanks for reading.

brainiac:
Dude, you did 87 days - so go with your monk mode! You had a slip (the night to edged to Instragram), and not a relapse. Don't let shame take away your progress. I tried for a few years to quit PMO, but I've not been PIED. I promised my sophomore year to not look at porn. It took most that year to kick porn to the curb. I did.

2 pieces of advice #1 is to be more concerned about healing what's between your ears, and then what's between your legs will follow. By that, not just your brain, but set healthy goals so you have a mindset of being all around healthy. You're a good ball player - get better and take someone with you.
#2 kick back on turning to alcohol/getting hammered. True friends will respect you for being you, not for the the beers you drink with them. The more I'd get numb on beer or smoking weed, then the more careless I'd be. I'll have a few beers to relax, but I realized I give into peer pressure. I talked to my close friends and they helped me with this.

you and bob had a cool connection, and you can have that again with another girl. Say those 3 words when you really mean it
Total respect!

Poptartgod12341234:
Means so much that your took time out your day to lift me back onto my horse. I have been telling myself how hard it is to take this journey alone. I didn't realize until reading what you had said how much support there is for me. Everything I have read something about Rebooting, every website every column every article, For the most part is someone struggling. As I am, as we are. I've taken your advice, (just got is from a different sources). I didn't get angry with myself, I got angry with the situation and now I'm hungry to change it. I'm hungry to not get to where I was before PIED but to push so far past it and achieve more with the lessons that I learned and the Discipline I built. In my personal growth I've been fueling my body with the best foods I can find. Greens, white meats, nuts, vitamins. I've been Mediating, as well as working out like a absolute savage compared to just doing the bare minimum about half the time. I've also been trying to get good sleep rather than just 6,7,8 hours I've been aiming for 9-10. I've also been reading daily and staying super organized. My grades have improved these last months and I'm trying to take them to the next level. I'm fueled by anger but running with a smile on my face. It feels good to be in control. I want to give back, though it is super hard to find programs near me with COVID happening helping others it only human and I miss that part a lot. I've been talking to people that I haven't talk with in a long time. Not just talking but really listening and making good conversation. I've got a fucked up head from a dark childhood (real bad stuff real early) but I feel so much less cloudy and so much more alive then ever before. It took so much pain and emptiness but I feel my bones starting to warm from the light at the end of the tunnel. :) Take your time when you feel this pain to be better it will only make you stronger, never give up.

brainiac:
It's cool to hear you're hungry. Nice going on getting better grades - it's you doing the work..
Bro, I've slipped and slipped and I've relapsed, but I never wanted to give up.

In December I looked at this counselor. I can't afford one, but yeah, I got to deal with my pride, and it helped.  I'll be honest, it was good to hear a woman counselor cuz it helps to see a woman in a nonsexual way - if you know what I mean.  :D https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RnMgOYOCfM

Gotta go, but stay with your goals cuz you're a good dude and you will pull others up, just like you lifted me up today. peace
PS I mediate and pray. I read from the Bible and one verse helped me. if you want I will share it.

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