Journals > Ages 30-39

Starting a new diary

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SebNZ:
Hi guys

I'm back after a bit of hiatus. My old diary has disappeared which is super annoying because it had a lot of good information on it and I'm currently relapsing hard. But I've decided to start writing a diary here again because I think it was quite helpful to my previous stint of 3 months clean. So I will aim to post here once a day like I did before.

Hopefully it does not disappear again...

Anyway in terms of relapsing I'm struggling. I relapsed last night for 5 hours and just edged and edged until I PMO. Not great. Feeling okay today surprisingly but that is the antidepressants doing their job! Very frustrated at this situation overall. Feel locked into a cycle that I can't get out. That last three months it felt like I had finally come up for air, and now I'm deep in the water drowning again.

I'm trying to hold onto hope. I never really understood why in Hollywood movies they say the word 'hope' so much. And "you can always rely on hope", "never give up hope". I didn't really get it. I think I do now. It basically means, in my interpretation anyway, that you don't know what the future holds. Things could happen in the future that allow you to overcome this problem. You have to hang in there to see if that's the case.

happydude619:
Hello SebNZ,


--- Quote ---I'm back after a bit of hiatus. My old diary has disappeared which is super annoying because it had a lot of good information on it and I'm currently relapsing hard. But I've decided to start writing a diary here again because I think it was quite helpful to my previous stint of 3 months clean. So I will aim to post here once a day like I did before.
--- End quote ---

Sorry to hear that you lost your journal. If it's any consolation, I held a journal on a separate PA website from late 2011 onwards. In 2019 I went to write in this journal again as I'd not updated it for maybe a year and a half and to my dismay, the website had gone. Hundreds of journal entries, hundreds of threads, and many hundreds of other responses, all gone forever. Suffice it to say, I was thoroughly depressed that I had lost so much history. However, now that I've had to begin over I am once again getting all the benefits from this (i.e by getting my thoughts down in writing) as I did with my first journal so good on you for starting again.


--- Quote ---Anyway in terms of relapsing I'm struggling. I relapsed last night for 5 hours and just edged and edged until I PMO. Not great. Feeling okay today surprisingly but that is the antidepressants doing their job! Very frustrated at this situation overall. Feel locked into a cycle that I can't get out. That last three months it felt like I had finally come up for air, and now I'm deep in the water drowning again.
--- End quote ---

I am also sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time right now. Over the past 9 years I've had plenty of ups and downs and in those difficult times where it feels like you're taking one step forward but two steps back, I often felt that I couldn't figure a way out of the vicious cycle. Everyone has their own methods but as my most 'at risk' time is when I'm getting ready for bed, I often have to forcibly tell myself that I AM turning off my laptop and I AM putting my phone down and not looking at it at all. Sometimes, I will just get in bed and go to sleep at a really early time (sometimes 9:30pm) just so that I remove all opportunity of looking at P / triggering material. The most frustrating thing for me is that this solution is so incredibly simple and so easy to implement, yet I regularly find it so difficult to actually do. I can't offer any solutions for your situation really, as we all have different triggers and different habits. However, sometimes an 'extreme' solution - like my going to bed really early - can help just get you through the hardest of moments when temptations are running wild and you feel unable to resist consuming P. Anyway, I hope you manage to find a way to break your current cycle!

hd619

SebNZ:

--- Quote ---
Sorry to hear that you lost your journal. If it's any consolation, I held a journal on a separate PA website from late 2011 onwards. In 2019 I went to write in this journal again as I'd not updated it for maybe a year and a half and to my dismay, the website had gone. Hundreds of journal entries, hundreds of threads, and many hundreds of other responses, all gone forever. Suffice it to say, I was thoroughly depressed that I had lost so much history. However, now that I've had to begin over I am once again getting all the benefits from this (i.e by getting my thoughts down in writing) as I did with my first journal so good on you for starting again.

I am also sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time right now. Over the past 9 years I've had plenty of ups and downs and in those difficult times where it feels like you're taking one step forward but two steps back, I often felt that I couldn't figure a way out of the vicious cycle. Everyone has their own methods but as my most 'at risk' time is when I'm getting ready for bed, I often have to forcibly tell myself that I AM turning off my laptop and I AM putting my phone down and not looking at it at all. Sometimes, I will just get in bed and go to sleep at a really early time (sometimes 9:30pm) just so that I remove all opportunity of looking at P / triggering material. The most frustrating thing for me is that this solution is so incredibly simple and so easy to implement, yet I regularly find it so difficult to actually do. I can't offer any solutions for your situation really, as we all have different triggers and different habits. However, sometimes an 'extreme' solution - like my going to bed really early - can help just get you through the hardest of moments when temptations are running wild and you feel unable to resist consuming P. Anyway, I hope you manage to find a way to break your current cycle!

hd619

--- End quote ---

thanks for your thoughts mate! Very appreciated. That's one of the reasons why I'm journaling here and not just doing it on a word document - it's good to know you're not alone.

Yes it was frustrating to lose all that stuff. I can imagine it was even more frustrating for you as you lost a helluva lot more than I did! I'm going to screenshot from now to ensure I don't lose anything. But as you mention, I think the main benefit is just writing stuff down in the first place. It helps cleanse your mind/release your thoughts so they are less bothersome, which is great therapy.

Regarding going to bed early, I think this can work as a solution but I use it a bit differently. In the past I have had success when where I've been feeling like relapsing, if I go have a nap for a few hours, when I wake up, the thoughts are sometimes gone. This hasn't worked for me lately unfortunately - the thoughts just build and build and build until the anxiety/tightness inside is painful as hell and I just want to get rid of it (and then relapse).

I'm still not entirely sure how I was able to go for three months at the end of last year with no problems. That is all evidenced in my now lost journal ;P I basically know what I was doing though, so I will try to follow that again.

Incidentally I just watched a movie called Unsane; it's very good. It's about a woman who gets involuntarily committed to a psychiatric institution, where unfortunately her stalker has taken up a job. Quite harrowing. The reason I mention it is that it presents a very depressing picture of men. The men in the movie are either creeps or incompetent. I have mixed feelings about this. I know there are guys out there who are creeps. And the material I have looked at certainly makes me a creep if I'm honest. I hate that I have looked at it though and am trying to stop. Does that stop me from being a creep? The stalker in the film is clearly screwed up but he has a weird love/fascination for her. He obviously needs help. Is he a villain or a victim himself? These are the questions these types of movies ask but don't really answer.

Sometimes I find it very depressing to be a guy.

Orbiter:
Welcome back SebNZ.

Sorry to hear of your recent string of relapses. I'm sure it also has not helped losing your journal and with that, a lot of reflections & effort you've put into this journey. The loss of history & work is only a perceived one I assure you. The real work you've done is still counting even right now. Perhaps there might be some benefits to be found in a fresh start?

I can related to the 'emergency nap' to ride out an urges. If it's not working for you as of late, perhaps there are some different circumstances in your life and recovery at the moment that are contributing to the urges being so difficult to manage?

Re the depressing picture of men. Though I have always personally made a conscious decision to stay away from the more misogynistic, violent areas of internet P, I have escalated in other areas and I, like most on this forum, can appreciate the pain & cognitive dissonance of trying to separate yourself from your learnt tastes & preferences.

There are important questions to be asked in regards to why some men have the compulsions to view & treat women the way that they do. I feel it's also necessary to remember that most of our concerning P use is a product of escalation, not innate preference. Just because we've watched a lot of something doesn't necessarily mean we are that something or even like it. I often find this is important to tell myself as not doing so always leads to a shame/relapse cycle that I can't escape.

Anyway welcome back & good luck. We can do this!

TheHeartacheKid:
Hi SebNZ,

Glad you're back but sorry to hear you're struggling.  You're doing good things for yourself though it already sounds like, including posting on here.

Regarding the creep thing, I too feel it.  Constantly.  Always in my mind that I'm a creep.  But I'm starting to differentiate between a person who has done a creepy thing or two verses a creep.  Every single human at some point has done something someone would deem creepy.  Severity of course varies, but we all at some point do something, I have no doubt.  A creep, to me, is someone who takes pleasure in what they're doing.  Someone who actively enjoys it, and even methodically plans it out in some cases.  We don't take pleasure in this.  From what I've read on here, no one really plans it out or overly enjoys it.  Which would not make us creeps.  It makes us ill, ill in a different way than a "creep."  Creeps don't express the regret, remorse and shame that this forum is filled with.

In general though, I wish as a species, we would do away with a lot of words, creep being one of them :).

But you're not a creep, none of us are, we're just suffering, and now we're getting better.  Stay strong!

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