Author Topic: Journal - Hope for a better future  (Read 379 times)

SerenityWisdomCourage

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Journal - Hope for a better future
« on: January 14, 2021, 07:11:07 PM »
My Reboot date is 1/1/21 - One day at a time, I am not watching porn and I'm not j/o.

It has taken a long time for me to see the truth about myself and my behavior, but I know it's never too late to change. I am grateful for two things that happened on 1/1/21; I was scrolling YouTube looking at TedTalk videos and I came across Eli Nash - TedxFortWayne and I was blown away!! - I knew I had a problem watching too much porn, but I never considered that my social, sexual and inter personal challenges were a consequence of my porn viewing. The next YouTube suggestion was an early RebootNation video, with Gabe telling his story - I had so much identification with the feelings he described, that I was moved to tears.

It feels like a huge window of opportunity has opened for me to make a major change in my life - I can't describe all the conflicting feelings, but the most powerful feeling is hope. I am filled with hope for the future and scared shitless at the same time, lol. I have done four things to start this journey; I have deleted all porn and bookmarks from my technology, I have stopped bringing my laptop into the bedroom, I have made a decision, a promise to myself to follow through, and I have started this journal.

I am reading and watching everything I can on the subject of porn/sex addiction.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2021, 07:13:32 PM by SerenityWisdomCourage »

jixu

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2021, 07:35:38 PM »
Glad to hear of your taking advantage of the window of opportunity as you stated.  You are making a wise decision in implementing this change.  Like you said, it is never too late to change.  It is also never too late to start doing what is right.  Looking forward to watching your progress.  Stay with it, and stay in touch.     

SerenityWisdomCourage

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2021, 10:29:37 AM »
Thank you for your support!

Phineas 808

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2021, 10:49:46 AM »
Wishing you the best, Serenity!

Hope is a good thing, and sounds like you're taking advantage of the newness of the year to turn things around, and be a new person, a new you!

You can do it, and we're here to support you. Helping others will also help yourself.

SerenityWisdomCourage

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2021, 02:08:31 PM »
Today I am 21 days No PMO - it's the longest time I've been off porn in many years. Grateful.

My Story;

I remember my first experience with 'porn' when I was about 10 years old. It was a Playboy or Hustler magazine that I found in the trash by our house. I was amazed by the pictures and the feelings it generated, I hid it under the mattress and looked at it every night before going to bed. It 'disappeared' after a few days - Mom must have found it when she was changing the sheets, lol. My parents never confronted me about it, looking back they must have felt scared/disappointed/angry?

A few years went by with no porn. At 13 I hit puberty and started masterbateing to fantasies I had about my schoolmates. A year or so later, in 7th grade I had my first sexual experience. A group of friends in the neighborhood (male & female) stole beer from one of the parents and we all drank it. Soon it was 'I dare you to kiss ---' which turned into 'I dare you to pull your pants down... Which turned into I dare you to j/o ---. I dare you to finger her---. I dare you to j/o someone else...
It never happened again, and the only comments we ever exchanged in the next few days were 'I was so drunk I don't remember what we did?

At age 16 I got up the nerve to go into a newspaper store and buy a Playboy magazine. I was so scared to walk up to the counter to pay for it. I kept it hidden in my closet and j/o to it several times a day. After a few weeks, it was found. I walked into my bedroom, and there was the magazine laying on top of my bed. Oh Sh*t... But again, my parents never said anything.

My next memories of porn use are after University. I was living on my own for the first time, making good money, dating a little, focused on building my career. In those days porn VHS videos were available by mail-order -- I can see now that this is where my addiction took off. I'd buy one, but quickly tire of it and buy another... Soon I had dozens. And they were expensive, lol. My taste began to change, and I became fascinated by Bisexual, Lesbian, and Gay porn, and I was staying up for hours at night watching the tapes.

I never stopped to think about the consequences. I never thought that staying up all night was impacting my career, my health, or my friendships, but now I can clearly see that this is where I began to have a problem - and I was 24 years old and clueless.

My behavior continued to change for the worse. I lived in a big city which had an area with porn theaters, bars with 'dancers', porn shops, and booth stores. The booth stores had small rooms in the back where you could watch porn and j/o. ... or get a bj - In no time, I became hooked on the thrill of going to that neighborhood and having an anon encounter - sometimes with a woman and sometimes with a dude.

I was so into the thrill of doing something dangerous and exciting that I never thought about the consequences - lucky for me, I never caught an STI or was robbed. I also never thought about the impact that the shame of living a double life was starting to have on me. That behavior went on for about two years. I told myself I had to quit doing that, and after a few 'slips I never went back.

When I was 28 I met a really great guy and we began dating. I put the porn down. I threw out the VHS tapes and magazines. I was so happy. I was in love for the first time in my life.

After dating for a year, we moved in together. Both of us were having great success in our respective careers, we were really happy and supportive of each other. And I managed to mess it up - at about two years together I started looking a magazines again, and then DVD's. When he was out of town I'd stay up all night watching porn - I was back to where I was 10 years earlier. I told myself 'it's not so bad, it's not like I'm unfaithful to him' - I'm horny and I need to get off - before I realized it, I had dozens of DVD's and I couldn't wait to have my 'alone time' with the porn.

Eventually, he saw my stash of DVD's - he laughed, a little uncomfortably 'wow, those must have cost a fortune'? I felt like a complete loser assh*le - I never thought I was hurting anyone else by watching porn, but I realize now that I was being dishonest by hiding it - and I was destroying myself in the process. My shame and low self esteem started to appear in other parts of my life - I became resentful of the success that my friends and partner were having in their careers and personal lives - I started to drink too much - I became so self centered I only thought about myself - I was depressed and in a foul mood frequently.

The relationship ended and I was heart broken. My drinking and bad mood drove him and most of my friends away. I lost my job. I began drinking everyday. I got fat and sick and depressed. When I was at the lowest point I went to a therapist to try and get help. But I had a bad attitude. I was so angry and hurt and arrogant that I couldn't see my part in any of this. I was so blind - so unwilling to take responsibility - so filled with regret and shame. The therapist helped me to see things from a different perspective, and over time my life started to get better. I quit drinking, I started to exercise and eat properly, and life got better. I started a new career, my confidence started to come back.

I felt so good that I started to date again. The therapist thought it was too soon, but I didn't listen. Within a few months, the dates I told myself I was ready for became a series of one night stands. And porn.

Internet porn became a daily thing. When I was 'lonely' or bored I went online and edged. Sometimes for 15 minutes other times for hours, I had no sense of time once I got online, even on those days I told myself - only 10 minutes - I could never trust myself to stick to a limit. This went on for years....

Fast forward to Feb 2020 and Covid - I made a promise to myself to stop looking for sex and not to put myself at risk. I deleted all apps and phone numbers of hook-ups. I felt confident that I could manage my behavior. To date, I have not broken that promise. I have not had sex for almost a year now. But, in the process, the porn took over my life.

My behavior was worse than ever - it's exactly what I've read from all of the rest of you... more extreme content, more time in front of the screen, never j/o without porn. I felt so sick and damaged and I saw how uncontrollable my life was.

A window of opportunity opened for me in late December 2020 - a moment of clarity, a slight willingness to be and do things differently. I saw a YT video of Eli Nash talking about his porn addiction - it shook me to my core. I knew this was my issue, and I took this as a sign to take action. YT led me to Reboot Nation, and Gabe's videos inspired me to take responsibility. I am so grateful that he had the courage to tell his story - One day at a time I am getting better - It's never too late - I believe I can change. I will post my journey here and am open to suggestions from those who have struggled with this - My goal is No PMO, today I have 21 days of Recovery, I have deleted all porn, apps, images, and bookmarks from my devices. I do not bring my laptop or phone into my bedroom (old behavior). I don't go online after dinner period. I have deleted all Social Media accounts (sh*t just gets me all worked up), I pray to God every morning to keep me safe today, and I say Thank you every night... to be continued.





SerenityWisdomCourage

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2021, 02:10:01 PM »
Thank you Phineas 808... I appreciate your support!

Phineas 808

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2021, 12:06:27 PM »
Definitely, Serenity!

Thank you for sharing your story, I read it all. It's good to get all that out off your chest, and to put it down in writing to where you can see your journey.

You can do this, it's not too late, as you said. We're here to help you, and support you along the way.

Congrats on 21 days!

SerenityWisdomCourage

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2021, 11:23:11 AM »
Day 26 - Checking-in...

I'm amazed that I have gone 25 days w/o looking at Porn. This is the most time I've ever had and I am grateful.
Taking this one-day-at-a-time which feels manageable today.
I'm in a flatline, lol. My junk is dead and shriveled to about half it's normal size, and I'm actually laughing about it. Zero sex drive - I'm so glad to you guys told me to expect this or I would be freaking out right now.

Crushing my morning CrossFit training, feeling strong on my running days.
Grateful to God for a chance at a worthwhile life 🙏🏻


SerenityWisdomCourage

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2021, 03:32:15 PM »
Day 27 - Committed to the journey.


Jato

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2021, 06:20:23 PM »
well done, keep going and all te best

SerenityWisdomCourage

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #10 on: February 02, 2021, 03:35:09 PM »
Thank you, Jato - Appreciate the encouragement!

I'm grateful for 32 days - Feeling good, no cravings to go back to porn at this point.

Question for anyone reading this;
So, I love to exercise and I'm legit curious about improving my form, technique and strategy for running, weightlifting and calisthenics. But damn if I didn't find myself getting excited when watching a YT video on exercise, wtf?. I had to turn it off. LOL
I 'unsubscribed' to those channels so I'm not tempted to watch them...

I'd be curious to hear what you think, and any advise on other subtle forms of 'porn' to watch out for?

SerenityWisdomCourage

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #11 on: February 07, 2021, 03:08:03 PM »
Day 38 - Amazed that I haven't looked a P for 37 days. I feel like a different man. I never want to go back to that cycle of shame >> 5 seconds of pleasure >> feeling less than >> shame again.

Phineas 808

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2021, 10:22:48 AM »
Well done on 38 days, Serenity!

In addition to the feelings of shame, for just 5 seconds of 'getting our rocks off', we prolong this habit, strengthening its urges.

You are a different man, and you're finding healing.

SerenityWisdomCourage

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #13 on: February 16, 2021, 07:12:08 PM »
Grateful for 46 days - No PMO
Still in flatline 🤷‍♂️

I'm feeling more confident, cleaning up my nutrition, better sleep habits...


roark

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #14 on: February 17, 2021, 12:09:41 PM »
I'd be curious to hear what you think, and any advise on other subtle forms of 'porn' to watch out for?

Hi Serinity,
I'm a fan of fitness and calisthenics as well and I agree, all YT videos on the subject are plenty of perfect bodies lol.
Just take it as a workout for your ability to resist temptations. :-)
Anyway there are lots of porn substitutes that you should watch out when you browse the internet. Any glamour image can become one in fact. In order to resist temptations I usually wear jeans even if I'm at home, so that my junk is not easily accessible...

Congratulations for being loyal to your commitment and keep on!

Ryedog

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #15 on: February 22, 2021, 07:47:56 PM »
I have finally come to the realization that I do have a problem with porn and something needs to be done about it. I have been involved with porn for several years now but never considered it to be a problem up until recently.  For the majority of the time that porn has been an issue in my life I have been single so it didnt seem to matter if i watched it or not. Sometimes I would watch it and sometimes I wouldn't. In fact, for the most part I would normally only watch it after getting high on meth and in those situations I would be checking porn sites out for hours and hours.  I know what your thinking and yes I do have issues with drugs too. Lets just stick to pornography for now though. I have been in a relationship for the past 8 years with someone who despises pornography and will not have it in her life. Our relationship is great, for the most part, and I am a much better person in many aspects with her in my life. I would be a fool to do anything which might destroy this relationship but continue to risk it all anyways. I have been caught many times during our years together with porn either on my computer or phone. She has told me repeatedly that this is unacceptable and if I want to continue living that way I would eventually be doing it without her by my side. The relationship would end and I could go on my merry way. But even with that Ive continually  gone back to the porn knowing that I could lose the most important thing in my life over it. How do I stop this? What do I need to do?

SerenityWisdomCourage

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #16 on: February 23, 2021, 06:36:00 PM »
Thank you Roark!

Just take it as a workout for your ability to resist temptations. :-) - I love that.

Grateful to have gone 52 days, no PMO - Feeling strong today!

SerenityWisdomCourage

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Re: Journal - Hope for a better future
« Reply #17 on: February 23, 2021, 06:52:37 PM »
Hey Ryedog, Thanks for being honest and vulnerable... Taking the action of writing about it, and admitting I have a problem has launched me into recovery.

This is how I think about it, it may not be this way with you; It's like a circle, I tell myself not to ___ whatever, that it will hurt the people I love and myself, and then in a few hours or days I come up with a lame excuse, and do it anyway - I am burdened with regret, shame and guilt - and I repeat the cycle until I get caught, or the consequences crush me.

My experience with porn and casual sex is that circle. On Dec 31st, I had an opportunity to behave differently after watching some YT videos - Gabe, and others motivated me to take a chance and abstain. Also, I got down on my knees and prayed to the Universe and God to please help me. That I've tried to control this alone, and it never works for long.

I honestly believe that surrender is the only way to win - it sounds backwards, but I can't fight PMO and I can't fight hooking up.
I start my day by asking for help and one day at a time I have had success so far...

Never Give up, we are all deserving of a worthwhile life!