Just needed some good wishes and support

[rohit6223]

Yes i relased.
Well relapsed closed to 15 times in 4 days felt like there is nothing more that could come out of that. Lol...
You know what i mean..
Some odd 37 days good days this time..

Well really couldnot come here and say here anything because i felt so guilty and was afraid..The problem was that i was trying to appear too perfect  let alone accepting defeat.

The sense of purpose in life was completely lost and i gave up to a weird set of habits that i had formed. I just forgot that i can still make mistakes and be forgiven for it. Well everyone here can ;;
 sorry for being hard and fast here.

Recover as you want and most importantly enjoy life. Again going strong now and ordered that book that Gabe posted in his instagram urging everyone one to read.

Also found  out something really shocking about myself will be revealing that in a few days. Never really thought that was a thing.
HAVE A GOOD GUYS!!

[rohit6223]

Hello Guys!
What are you upto? Just relapsed yesterday. What else is left in our lies. Relapse. Cry. Get determined to never do it again. Something pops up. And then Relapse. I just wish i could live a normal life. Please someone help me get me out of this gutter.
 
Well just wanted to say everyone a Happy New Year. and that was in starting of January 20.  But unfortunately couldn't do that. I want to let you guys know that I have been trying for the whole last year. And I even dropped a whole  year for this matter. Nevertheless I am still in the same gutter. Well I was so determined during the start of this year; I think from early December or something that i went more than 46 days with hardcore work and determination but then messed up. I feel so ashamed right now, wasted my parents money, and altogether a very big dream that I had. In practicality I have just one friend now with whom also I am not talking very much these days.

Well, lemme say you this whole year has been just of failures and no victories. Well there were some moments of little something here and there but nothing to be proud of. But one thing I can definitely promise of is that i worked hard. But the only problem was i didnt see through my decisions. I didnt travel all the way through my dreams. I wish i did. I wish i could talk to the people i love so much. Like normal people do. To feel emotions, empathise and connect with them. To achieve my dreams and goals. All i can do is hope and wish. But never really could go through it.

Porn makes us hollow. Both physically and mentally. Makes dysfunctional relationships. Wrecks families. Creates tons of problems.Hijacks our brain. but still what is it? Why cant we truly leave it when it gives us so much sorrow. I still dont have one fucking answer for that. In small moments of retrospect i think i have figured it out, "well this time", "Never Again" bullshit but still not one single answer. Why?

Are we satisfied of this? Is real world so harsh that we will never be able to take it head on? Will I ever be out of this gutter? Failure, self doubt and low self esteem pounces on you and knocks you out. Then it feels like there is no other option than giving in to it . I think this happens with everyone one of us.

Just in that moment we could be brave enough. We could be courageous enough to believe in the beauty of our dreams. That we can make it alive of this dark tunnel without die 'ing'. 

No matter what big words i say or write here. I dont forsee much hope ahead. The journey is quite terrible I must say. Earlier i used to think that this all journey would be quite a fairy tale. That thank god this came to my life that i can have so much wisdom from this. Now I think what will be the use of all that knowledge and knowing if i can never use it in my life. All the time in this addiction or trying to get out of it. There is no journey; just whining in a idiotic loop.

All I see is stars but no roads that could take me there.Well I think I am either very close to my grave or success.

P.S- The night is darkest, just before a new dawn. (Heard it somewhere lets see). Haha.

[rohit6223]

Well, after lifting up all the heaviness from the heart. I hope everyone is safe from this deadly CoronaVirus. Please stay alert and safe.
Just a current update to my scenario my streaks are much much lower now. I think i have minimum or no will power now.No friends. Saw a book ages ago and body conditions, bone density all at the worst.

Thank You.

[rohit6223]

Just because you failed in the past, Doesn't mean you have to fail now.
Keep going.

[rohit6223]

Day-1 lets go!

[rohit6223]

DAY - 31

INTRO AND UPDATE

Hello there guys! How are you all? Well I know times are tough now maybe some of you are in hospital not getting a proper meal a day. Economic losses, problems, or have contracted corona. Or maybe you are just afraid that staying home in lock-down you will relapse. I just want to tell you not to be afraid. Only in times of greatest adversities ;like this is when true heroes are born. You will get to know about your powers and abilities, that you never know you did had.And as my guru always says If you are constantly entering new situations it is a good thing. Go fight your battle out be victorious. If you already haven't started or did relapse "I am still telling you, It is not too late. Don't get disheartened. Start all over again. No matter how hard you fell. "

PROGRESS
I successfully completed 31 days today. I think this corona virus lock-down has been a massive blessing for me. I think I will recover fully from this ;this time. I wonder a full pandemic of this sort was needed for me to just recover. Everyone is staying at home and it is really a boon for me. I stumbled along April 15 and the best thing was that my father was home. Whenever I tried little opening of soft things suddenly my father or mother would enter, and my thoughts and mind suddenly would go in a different direction. That was just once and since then the ship is sailing smooth.

I have also started reducing the amount of junk food and non-veg. Now I am trying to eat more healthy veggies and have limited the intake of non-veg food items to only 4 times a month(once each week).
I also started yoga yesterday and I am meditating like everyday. This really calms your mind and you are focused in one direction.

Future Plans

I have decided to quit studies completely. This year I would have gotten into an engineering college if everything went according to plan. But unfortunately it did not and I am really sad for that. A 47 days streak got badly ruined because of the heavy pressure from studies and I really regret that. For something I did so much hard work was just thrown in gutter. As you all know the memory problems that are associated with this addiction. Once upon a time I was a topper and now really a nobody.

So I have decided to start my business and do some light stuff until I recover. Lemme know your thoughts on this.

RELATIONSHIPS
Well relationships are as bad as they used to be and nothing has changed. People just treat me like shit. And all I have is forums like this to come share my story talk about problems etc. Friends just treat you like you have no worth. And girls and girlfriends well that is another story. One thing i realized with girls is that it is just the marketing. How much marketing you can do is how worthy you are. If you look cute in that insta post then it is everything. Not just with girls it is like this with everyone. Just fake relationships. If you have money you are successful then you are worthy or else no one cares.

Recently my best friend and my ex entered into a relationships which was like a nightmare for me. Him i considered a nobody and when he did this existentialism just crashed upon me.
It is like you have worked so hard, you know you are the best .............but when you enter the real world your princess syndrome is gone.

CONCLUSION
I am running towards that 50 days mark. I recently watched a youtube video where he said to stop counting your recovery in days and start counting it in months and i think he is so right. I also joined the NoFap.com today and here is the link to my thread there https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/one-last-time.272974/#post-2497657 I think that community is a little bit more active.


Also to mods on this site please be a little bit more active. Please do something about the people who post really triggering tittles about their addictions. To people also we dont want to know the exact details of how you relapsed 'please'.



P.S - If there are any enthu web developers or entrepreneurs please DM me I have amazing ideas. We can work on. 

[tim2911]

I feel the pain my Brother we are in this together See porn as a disease is disgusting they are messing up your Brain see porn as no Option get real Frieds keep bussy . Put a porn blocker on your Phone and laptop do not use internet allone . Try to avoid movies and Social media and especially p
I know you can do this keep your head up my friend

[Zirkle]

hey rohit, congratulations man!! 31 days is such a proud mark! now let s face 50 days! i completely agree with u in terms of society, people are so frivolous, lot of them just care about themselves and about their looks. But i take a shit on this people. poor them. i think most important thing in life is to know yourself and when u get to know yourself, purity will arise more and more, and u will atract pure people.
meditation yoga eating healthy food is wonderful, im into all of that also, except yoga.. our bodies are our most valuable treasure and we must take care of them.
im now on day 45, i think that it will take me more than 90 days on hard mode to recover bc im on a huge flatline, but i really dont care, i have no more cravings for porn. i have cravings for masturbations sometimes but i just let them go. we have to keep struggling bro, for me 2019 was also a shitty year full or relapses and self lying. but im sure this time im gonna achieve it. as u said, no matter how times you failed, this time it is the good one.. or sth like this i dnt remember xdd
2020 is our year, im sure of that, and as i read on other post, this fucking shit of pied, it is giving me strenght. it s a bullshit but im fighting and i m gonna win.
vamos vamos vamossssssss!! heads up and keep fighting!! there s a wonderful life out there that it deserves to be lived!!!

[rohit6223]

I feel the pain my Brother we are in this together See porn as a disease is disgusting they are messing up your Brain see porn as no Option get real Frieds keep bussy . Put a porn blocker on your Phone and laptop do not use internet allone . Try to avoid movies and Social media and especially p
I know you can do this keep your head up my friend

Yes I did it. Thanks for believing in me. 

[rohit6223]

but im sure this time im gonna achieve it. as u said, no matter how times you failed, this time it is the good one.. or sth like this i dnt remember xdd

Yes that's what I said. Keep the hustle on. Thanks for reading the full post.

I am really lagging in yoga and meditation because of a messed up sleep cycle. Haha. but will catch up soon....

[rohit6223]

Day-50

What up what up what up guys!
I hope everyone is winning the fight on their ends.
So just reach 50 fu***** days. So proud of myself. haha...
Have great relationships with friends, family.
Brain fog feels better not completely but better. I don't know why i feel like i am the only one who builds  massive streaks and then jumps back to the gutter.
Just cracked an interview the prof was really happy don't know where did so much self confidence come from. Also I am choosing the road less taken for a professional career. Let's see how the dots connect in future.
And people here who are into a good streak or have had several years into these addiction-relapse cycle. I seriously hope you are still not buying the 90 days idea. 90 days is just to get you on path. Everything is srsly not going to turn upside down on 90 days if you have been into this especially from your early years.

A better way to calculate is the no of years you have in it( IN MONTHS) * 2
i.e for me 9 years === 9 months * 2 === 18 months === 540 days(Approx) .

So aiming for 540 days which is very much possible. If people told you this from the beginning you would have never started the journey. So start wherever you are. Fight hard and do remember this is not just about building streaks. end this, recover and live a healthy life with your family. Keep busy.

[lerxst2112]

Just reading your message history rohit. Congrats on making the 50 day mark! Keep Your it going!! Your reboot brothers are behind you 

[rohit6223]

Thank you brother! Lets be together and beat this addiction. It is now turning very painful for me. No desire to eat except junk and fast foods don't know what i should do.
Where you exactly at? (Streak)

[lerxst2112]

You're very welcome! I'm only on day 11 myself but have had no desire at all for any porn. I did install the cold turkey blocker on my computer. That's where i did all of my porn shopping. Knowing it's impossible to view gives me a real feeling of ease. Can't get around it or delete the program either. I had always said a blocker would be of no benefit to me but changed my mind after using this one. I crave junk usually anyway but currently watching my intake to lose a few pounds. If I were to have to make a choice though i would take the junk food over the porn. I'm sure your regular love of healthier foods will come back sooner or later. Message me if you want to chat. Stay strong!

[rohit6223]

DAY - 70

Hello There brothers! wassup?
So just reached 70 days today. Mind is much stable and thoughts also.
I just went to my village for some function and it was as good as it could have been. It really feels so amazing when you can talk to a group of people with perfect eye contact without having to hide anything. Not having any lustful thoughts about them just pure conversation. Walking straight with a correct posture.  And can empathize with people. because I can feel emotions lol.

Also,everything has subsided to a great level until I watched parasite few days ago...just one scene and that gave me headaches and chills. But well I have managed to get out of that.But it has a very strong presence in my mind.

I just have this new found interest of cinema. All my life I have been watching films without realizing it intrigued me so much. Just getting into Cristopher nolan these days. With each of his movies he just mindfucks in another realm. Space, time, reality he is so obsessed with these things you consider if you are living a dream or reality. Haha...

Not to digress from the main topic everything is fine...but only today I had a really disturbing dream about my mom. What I realized is in pmo it just messes up relationships until you are just hollow. People you love the most are the ones that get butchered.

I am just paying up for all those years of incest videos.


Live your life to the fullest. Get out of the gutter.

[rohit6223]

DAY-100

Hello guys! How are you all.
So I just reached 100 days.
I can't tell you how proud I am of this streak.
I actually wanted to post this on 90 days but the headaches back then was really terrible and didn't feel like doing anything so writing now. Haha..

So yeah life is pretty good. I can now finally go and talk to people. Meaningful convo with friends and family. I went out and did some important stuff which I believe I could never have done if i was in that gutter. Started a business which i believe will be beneficial in the long run jut starting to take baby steps right now. Well that's it nothing much to say.

Whatever has to happen in your life will happen. I tried so hard for years for this. Never really I could have a ray of hope in years. So much hardwork so much pain and back then i  thought all this was for vain. But that is what was building my resistance slowly and steadily. Now I think maybe i had to go through all that experiences to come out of it better, bigger and successful.

Well this is no success for me friends, much has been lost in this war. Much sacrifices. People,friends,family,relationships, promises all broken . Only misery and sorrow all along the way. As you all know my target is not 90 days its 540 days so i am eyeing that rn. Hopefully I will be truly able to post in the success story of this forum when i reach that. I think this is it. I will definitely reach there and would post there very soon. 100 days in so small thing and i am happy about it. Whatever the x no of days i will always be proud of myself. And this juncture of time i ask myself if i fail again, I relapse, would i be able to get up again, to have the courage to fight this, and the answer is a very ambiguous one. Not one I am proud of . You know after reaching here with almost no mistakes i think maybe i could make it to the peak all over again. But its not that. I think i have had my war with this. This is it. All the loss that could have done is done. Now this chapter in my life has to end. I have to move forward from this and do better things with my life. Or simply sit at one corner and enjoy the clouds passing or simply live.

You will make it one day. Keep trying. Much love.

[rohit6223]

DAY-125

Hello guys! How are you all..
I hope you have been doing absolutely fantastic..
so yes i have reached 125 days my god just breached my record...never thought that in my life such a feat was possible. All I want now is recovery, a permanent and lasting recovery.
Well whats good news is I have joined social media this week and it is not really all that bad keeps me kind of accountable and I want to do better as a person of the society and be part of that larger circle. Well I think what is really a problem for a pmo addict is we tend to just ignore the society around us the world around us and create a semi world in which everything is perfectly fine and we can have an infinite supply of dopamine. well that's it from my side peace and enjoy.

Much love.

[rohit6223]

Day - (-21)

Relapse at day-140.All Big talks. Starting all over again. Sorry. Relapsed close to 21 times.

[lerxst2112]

No no no rohit. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for brother. You went like FOUR MONTHS!
This is not a step back it's a small bump in the road. I never liked the whole idea of having to reset the counter and being back to square one. Your streak was a victory. Don't let that bump become a block in the road. Time to press on and resume the victory walk. Great job and godspeed.

[rohit6223]

No no no rohit. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for brother. You went like FOUR MONTHS!
This is not a step back it's a small bump in the road. I never liked the whole idea of having to reset the counter and being back to square one. Your streak was a victory. Don't let that bump become a block in the road. Time to press on and resume the victory walk. Great job and godspeed.

You are so inspiring brother! Thank you so much! ❤

I am in good mood and all but somehow something doesnot feel quite right brother.Feels like with each passing day the addiction is getting bigger and bigger and i am slipping into its cage.
You have these big plans and all and suddenly a storm comes and takes it all away.
Just want to lead a normal either fail or succeed but give my best. 

[Do or die]

Impressive journey bro. Keep going you can do it

[rohit6223]

Impressive journey bro. Keep going you can do it

Thank You for believing in me brother!

[rohit6223]

DAY-30

I woke up again today. Preparing for one more journey. One more exciting destination. When you make big streaks relapses are the hardest. It is like you are in an aeroplane and it is just a free fall from there. Unlike that scenario once you fall we are still alive in this process of no fap and fortunately or unfortunately we have to get up one more time still have to wake up the next day. Take care of affairs and still hide from sane people in the society and make them believe everything is alright! To be part of friends family even though we are not we are hiding something deep within us that is making us heavy deep down. Nevertheless, we work hard , we fight, we cry, we smile,but we never back out.

We are fucking fighters. We will win. We will conquer. So yes i started the journey again i am also counting the relapses i made as negative days so i have gone more than this but my relapses were also extremely high. So high till a point of near death. My body just limping for months i just wake up eat and sleep on the bed. Also because of corona i just slept through days. Now i am back to sanity and building myself back slowly again. Started exercising , started dreaming about six packs again. Also meditations
started, walking up early. Will start walking at night also soon. Just had this doubt if i can make a six pack in home workouts only. Not in a mood to join gym because of time constraints,also my body is weakest now maybe i will build the body in 1-2 months then join gym again. My blood pressure went rooftop 3 days ago and there was enormous pain in my head
felt like the nerves will blast but this time though i did not wait and take it. I just took the medicines for headache. Sometimes it is just not possible to control it naturally and its best to take medical help. it was (155/94 mmHg) for no reason at all.

Every time i come here i come here with hope, that maybe maybe someday i will break through this. and all this writings all this posts will be a path to success where others can walk upon and get freedom.

P.S- Also started playing guitar

[Zirkle]

Man keep going!!  Reading your posts is like inhaling fresh air!