New to Reboot Nation

[mrhodes51879]

Hello everyone,

My name is Mark. This is my first post here.

I have struggled with pornography viewing and masturbation since 2004 and it has turned me upside down since. I don't want to be addicted to this stuff but easier said than done. I have gone to Sexaholics Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery meetings, talked to and currently talking to a psychologist, talked to pastors, and am on medications for anxiety and depression. I've also had one accountability partner when I was in SA but we really didn't connect. I really haven't found anything that I can say has helped me overcome my sexual addiction. I am beginning to think my sexual addiction and mental health issues are who I am.

I am married to a beautiful woman with whom we have shared 16 years of marriage and through who I have 2 beautiful daughters. I am living as much for them as I am for me, or so I would like to think.

Please, I need some direction and anyone willing to help I would very much appreciate their words.

Thank you very much and blessings from above,

Mark

[mousemat1]

Hi Mark.

Your sexual addiction is NOT who you are. This is learnt behaviour. Anxiety and depression are a different matter and there could be several genetic or biologic reasons for these conditions.

You can quit porn and masturbation! These are habits you've developed and you can replace them with other habits. That's much easier sad than done because orgasms give our brains the biggest dopamine hit. Removing these dopamine hits from your life will cause your brain to fight back for what it wants; rewards.

I think in your case you should approach this carefully. Anxiety and depression are serious issues. If you can go cold turkey that would be fantastic, but it's really, really hard. Set yourself a realistic goal, lets say 5 days or a week. Just focus on that target. I tell myself that in reality I only need to avoid porn for 16 hours a day because I sleep for the other 8. Avoiding porn for 16 hours doesn't seem like a huge ask, does it?

If you relapse, don't beat yourself up over this. Most of us do relapse, but the gaps between relapses seem to get longer.

I assume your wife knows about your porn addiction. What are her suggestions.

Good luck!!! It's difficult, but it can be done!

[mrhodes51879]

Hi mousemat1,

Thank you for checking in and all your kind words. My wife is aware of my issues. She's been understanding. She knows how desperately I want to overcome this. The longest I've ever gone without porn is 6 months and change. I really thought that was the beginning of the end.

In any case, thank you for responding,

I'll repost again,

Mark

[mousemat1]

If your curious, check out my car crash attempts at trying to quit. I almost made it to a year and relapsed. This time, however, it feels different. I think the past attempts have weakened the porn pathways sufficiently to beat this addiction this time round. We just have to keep trying.

I wish you luck!

[Rookie]

Welcome to the board Mark. A 6 month streak is huge!!

As mouse said, don't aim for 6 months again yet. Aim small battles for now. And the next thing you know, a whole bunch of small battles, add up to big victories.

If there's one recommendation I can give, is post often.

[Joel]

Please, I need some direction and anyone willing to help I would very much appreciate their words.

Welcome to the forum, Mark. I'm sure you'll find some connection here. I mention this a lot so apologies but if you haven't heard of it, Porn Free Radio podcast has shown me direction when I didn't have a clue what to do about this. I'd recommend starting up by scanning the titles and listening to what you feel is relevant to you. take care

[mrhodes51879]

Hello everyone,
I had the urge to look at porn and such today, and I was alone. However, I found strength in God and all of you who have helped me already by your kind words of wisdom, and didn't give in to the urge. I would have given in, even days ago. Not today. I still feel the urge a little bit but I am not going to let it control me and will continue to give this to God, as I am a Christian.

Again, thank you for your encouragement and I look forward to coming on here and posting some more.

Blessings,

Mark

[jixu]

Nice work Mark.  He is merciful-keep the devotions going and stay in touch!  Recommend getting the book Your Brain On Porn if you haven't already done so.  Glad you have made this decision to come here! 

[Rookie]

Hello everyone,
I had the urge to look at porn and such today, and I was alone. However, I found strength in God and all of you who have helped me already by your kind words of wisdom, and didn't give in to the urge. I would have given in, even days ago. Not today. I still feel the urge a little bit but I am not going to let it control me and will continue to give this to God, as I am a Christian.

Again, thank you for your encouragement and I look forward to coming on here and posting some more.

Blessings,

Mark

Christian here as well. Reformed Baptist, in the covenant theology camp (not Dispensationalist, if that means anything to you).

Looking forward to reading more of your journal.

[mrhodes51879]

Blessings,

Getting ready to go to bed. Still on the straight and narrow!
I noticed, and so am posting, that I am not really that tired and also bored - at the same time, and my mind went to wanting to look to at porn and getting off. I am submitting this to God and going to go to sleep.
Please pray for me if you believe in Jesus Christ and thank you in advance.

Good night,

Mark

Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength.

[LetItGoAlready]

Welcome aboard, Mark. Great job checking and staying accountable. Wishing you continued success on keeping to the straight and narrow path. Onward, friend!

[mrhodes51879]

Hello everyone,

Nothing major to report. Today went well. I didn't notice much temptation. It's good to have this website to report to. When someone replies I feel like I have an accountability partner.
I reached out to someone on here who is also looking for "godly-type" accountability as that is what I also desire. That person has not replied. If anyone sees this and is looking for an accountability partner, please let me know. Thank you!
Have a good night and blessings,

Mark

[Phineas 808]

Welcome to the forum, Mark!

I am beginning to think my sexual addiction and mental health issues are who I am.

 

As Mousemat1 said, this addiction is not who you are. As a believer, especially with this kind of struggle, identity is paramount to your overcoming it.

We're all here learning who we are to varying degrees.

When someone replies I feel like I have an accountability partner.
I reached out to someone on here who is also looking for "godly-type" accountability as that is what I also desire. That person has not replied. If anyone sees this and is looking for an accountability partner, please let me know. Thank you!

I am a believer as well, and welcome mutual discussion, support and prayer. While I may not agree with the accountability partner concept, I do know that we can help each other overcome this.

Any time you wish to reach out, I'll be glad to be of service.

[mrhodes51879]

Getting ready to go to bed but wanted to post before doing so.

There are some beautiful women where I work but if I encounter them (pass by them) I have been trying to only look at their faces. It is so easy to look below the face but I haven't been doing that. I am also reminded that women are made by God and he didn't intend us to look at them for lustful reasons. So I am looking at them as if they are a sister of mine. That is much healthier for me to do. I can also choose to not look at them, but in the long run, that is not realistic. I may still slip up and look below the face but I am going to try and look at their faces as I believe that is what God would want me to do.

Lastly, I am blessed with a beautiful wife. I believe God brought us together. I will look at her for who she is and her beauty. Thank you, Lord, for giving me someone whom I can go to for not just sexual needs but the many blessings of having a wife.

Good night everyone,

Mark

[mrhodes51879]

Hello,
So it has been 10 days since I looked at any porn and gave into masturbation! I have not really had any urges to look at it for the most part. There have been 1-2 days where there was an urge after work, at night - when I am alone, to look at porn but I didn't give in to the urges because I am trying to rewire my brain, make healthier choices, and please God. I so want to reconnect with my wife but the urge has not been there to make any advances toward her. I suppose I am going to have to give it some time. My therapist said some things to me recently and one of them is to find things that interest me, that I am passionate about. What I used to be passionate about were being a family man, American history, reading, singing, and helping other people. I am hoping, that in time, my "reboot" will resuscitate my desires as my brain rewires. Right now, sleeping, relaxing, playing video games, and shopping are what I seem to want to do. I believe depression and anxiety are at the forefront and causing me to be lazy and not want to do a whole lot. I miss who I used to be.

Thank you for reading and talk to you again soon,

Mark

[Jethro]

Hi Mark,
               l also am a believer and I felt truly blessed at being able to read your posts. l have struggled with porn addiction for 50 years, yeah you didn't read that wrong!, I thought ( wrongly of course ), that God would never be able to forgive me for my sins, and that my soul when He closed my eyes for the final time was already destined to spend eternity in hell. The guys on here are some of the nicest people I have ever had the good fortune to encounter, and I believe that my Heavenly Father guided me here. Also, I read Psalm 139 and that brought a lot of inner peace to my soul, I pray that it does the same for you brother, praying hard for you,

           God bless you Mark,
                                     Your brother in Christ........... Jethro.
                                           

[mrhodes51879]

Hi Jethro,

Thank you for your warm words! I did indeed read the Psalm. Thank you for that. I am continuing on here.

I am truly blessed that I have not looked at porn or felt led to look at it lately. I also have not given into masturbation. I feel stronger by the day.

Have Good night or day and God bless,

Mark

[mrhodes51879]

Hello people,

I am really hurting today. Can't get my mind off of pornographic images and wanting to masturbate. I haven't given in and I don't plan on it but there really is a struggle going on. I need to give this battle to God! I haven't really prayed so no wonder I am currently struggling.

Please keep me in your prayers and any good thoughts are welcome.

Blessings,

Mark

[Phineas 808]

Hello people,

I am really hurting today. Can't get my mind off of pornographic images and wanting to masturbate. I haven't given in and I don't plan on it but there really is a struggle going on. I need to give this battle to God! I haven't really prayed so no wonder I am currently struggling.

Please keep me in your prayers and any good thoughts are welcome.

Blessings,

Mark

You are stronger than these urges. Don't try to directly resist, just notice the urges without judgment. Breathe through the urges, until they pass (and they will).

But Yes, pray! Include God in your struggles. Be honest as possible, but know that He loves you and has forgiven you no matter what.

And one other thing I do that helps me when I pray while under temptation, I 'bind the devil'. This isn't every believers practice, but I'm honestly telling you what helps me. It seems to take it into another mindset, when you realize that there's evil spirits that actually want you to do this stuff...

As an example I'll say in prayer, "I take authority over and bind a spirit of lust [or pornography, etc] in Jesus' name!" You'll sense the atmosphere change, and you'll feel more in the Spirit, and less in the flesh.

Praying and hoping for your success, brother.

[mrhodes51879]

Hello everyone,
I want to wish everyone a very joyful Thanksgiving.  I love this time of year. It's a special time even if we are living in tough times.
I also wanted to update my status. It hasn't alluded my mind but I have been hanging in there. The images don't leave me out haven't been burned from my mind and so the temptation is really there. However, I don't want to let God or my new brotherhood down and am reminded to persevere and press on to the goal.
Thank you for praying for me and I will gladly continue to update on here in the coming days.

Blessings

Mark

[LetItGoAlready]

Mark - If not wanting to let God or the nation of brothers down keeps you on the straight and narrow, then by all means, stick with that approach. Just know that the persistent images and temptation will lessen in time. That isn't to say that they'll go away completely, but they will become less persistent the longer you stay away from P, and the images and obsessive thoughts will pass with greater ease.

Wishing you a Thanksgiving filled with joy and gratitude. Hang in there, friend!

[Phineas 808]

Yes, Mark, have a Happy Thanksgiving!

The images themselves are just thought, and they will come and go. But you are stronger than thought, stronger than the urges that may arise from them.

You have the key in your hand, that the sooner you no longer respond to these thoughts or urges, you've won, you've beaten this thing! Don't treat them (thoughts or urges) as your enemy, but see them as a boring and unwelcome 'guest'- that you simply and easily dismiss. Don't reason with them, don't fight them, simply let them pass as the vapid smoke that they are.

Looking forward to your updates, as I'm following your story with interest.

Blessings.

[mrhodes51879]

Thank you brothers,
I really appreciate your kind words and wisdom regarding the issues.
I have not given in to looking at porn or masturbating. There have been like we've messaged on here about, the thoughts and I know now that these thoughts will decrease in time as I continue down this blessed path.
I have noticed that I am starting to crave going to my wife sexually. I have not attempted sex or anything sexual as I want to abstain from anything like that. When would be a good time to start having sex? Is it 6-8 months or longer without p&m? Or is it something I need to explore with my wife? I will always keep God in the middle of my decision-making, marriage, and life.

Again, thank you for posting and I look forward to your words of wisdom. God is definitely using you.

Blessings,

Mark

[LetItGoAlready]

When would be a good time to start having sex? Is it 6-8 months or longer without p&m? Or is it something I need to explore with my wife? I will always keep God in the middle of my decision-making, marriage, and life.

Mr R - I'm sure you will get a variety of answers on the right time to have sex when you are rebooting. My take, for what it's worth, is that you should consider having sex sooner rather than later because you stand to benefit in more ways than one. First, you will have an outlet sexually that will provide you with a sense of relief without the accompanying feelings of guilt or shame. However, I should warn you that, like everything else, this approach is not without certain risks. Many but not all people who have sex while going through the rebooting process are vulnerable to the "chaser effect," which can stir up compulsive urges to act out with P and could derail your progress if you're not adequately prepared for it. As long as you are aware that this is a possibility and are prepared to deal with these urges when/if they arise, you won't be caught by surprise.

In the long run, the goal should be to disassociate sex with your wife, which is a natural and healthy behavior, from the unhealthy sexually compulsive behavior that you associate with P. I would argue that separating these two behaviors in your mind takes practice, a lot of practice. It's not something that simply comes to you automatically by being abstinent for a long period of time. It requires awareness and intention to get to the point where you no longer see these two behaviors (sex with your wife and acting out with porn) as two sides of the same coin. Again, this is just my perspective, as one who is in a married relationship and who has continued to have sex infrequently while rebooting.

Here's a last bit of food for thought. If you find yourself barely hanging on by a thread and feel like you could relapse at any moment, why not just have sex with your wife and see how it goes? I would argue that if your instinct is always to act out to P instead of having sex with your wife when you're feeling horny, you're just going to keep reinforcing that old unhealthy pattern of behavior. That's if you even have the option to have sex with your wife. Few of us control the timetable around when we can have sex with our wives, so it's not always an option when we're feeling horny. But if it is for you, why not do it? Why not have sex knowing that it is a healthier alternative to P? Even if there is some risk that it may set you back in your reboot, wouldn't it be better to get your jollies from a natural act with your wife than acting our with P?

As for exploring it with your wife, that is a very personal decision. You said your wife is aware of your issues, but it really depends on how open she is discussing your issues and helping you with your struggle. If your recovery is an open book, and you two are on the same page about what you're doing and why you're doing it, then by all means explore that option with your wife. If she only knows part of the story, and there's a great deal she doesn't know about your reboot, then you may want to use some discretion about what you share with her. Only you (and God) know what your relationship can handle, and whether the decision is just between you and God or between you, God, and your wife is entirely up to you.

Good questions here, friend. Take care.

[Phineas 808]

Mark, I second what Liga said.

We're after all trying to reboot to real-world sexuality with our partners. While we're depriving ourselves of our acquired habits, I think it's in our best interest where possible, to retool our sexual needs toward them.

Be well.