Last days were really hard. No energy, brain fog, lack of motivation, flu-like symptoms, pulsating headaches and mild sexual urges which weren't that annoying compared to the withdrawal symptoms. Lot's of anxiety with melancholic sad thoughts which brought more sadness and misery to the mix.
Hey,Thanks for sharing this. Its really brave. I'm right behind you in my challenge to become free and to manage my urges and compulsions. Just know that however tough it is, sharing your story is giving others confidence and inspiration. CheersD
QuoteLast days were really hard. No energy, brain fog, lack of motivation, flu-like symptoms, pulsating headaches and mild sexual urges which weren't that annoying compared to the withdrawal symptoms. Lot's of anxiety with melancholic sad thoughts which brought more sadness and misery to the mix.When I first discovered my PA (via the Your Brain on Porn website) I was so **** scared about what i'd done to myself over the previous decade that I went tee-total immediately. After maybe 4-5 days I experienced awful withdrawal symptoms. My emotions were all over the place (happy, sad, angry, confused, scared etc.), I had terrible brain fog, I had horrible headaches, I felt hungry but didn't want to eat, I felt nauseous, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate, and had aches and pains. There were even points when I thought I was losing my mind... Of course all the above things didn't all occur all at once but I experienced all of them across maybe a period of a week. Not knowing about or appreciating at the time that these were withdrawal symptoms, I went to see my GP because I was that worried, particularly in relation to the headaches. After around two weeks, everything calmed down considerably and then I went through a prolonged period of flatline - I think it was at least two months and was probably longer, I can't remember exactly. Basically, we all can relate to what you're battling through right now (re: the withdrawal symptoms) and in the case of the flatline, try to forget about it and the sense of feeling empty inside (arousal-wise) will be over before you know it.And in relation to the negative thoughts you mention, I too had the same. In fact, whenever I consume porn now, the subsequent days become heavily populated with really negative thoughts and emotions. It can sometimes be up to a week before my mind clears and the negative thoughts go away.The one thing I will say is that now you're on this 'journey', you will likely never have the same relationship with porn again. The period of blissful ignorance is over and you actively know that whenever you consume porn that there will be consequences. Do I still slip from time to time? Absolutely. Will I ever go back to those porn consumption habits and levels that were present prior to learning about PA? Absolutely not. And nor will you. You can't unlearn about your porn addiction so no matter how hard or how difficult times may be, your brain is now permanently aware of porn's addictive qualities, the damage it does to our bodies and brains, and how important it is that we quit porn and stay clean.All the best!
Thanks for sharing your experiences. Speaking of all those symptoms...I have been feeling really unbalanced for years. Chronic fatigue, lack of motivation, lack of focus (I used to read a sentenced from a book a couple of times just to grasp what's all about).I could sleep for many hours and be still tired. I completely lost all the joy and was feeling depressed. For some strange reason, I still managed to function. I was working and creating (I'm a musician, recording artist). Although I always felt I could do more. Eventually, I got used to it. I attribute it to ageing (how stupid it was?) or my overall mental health issues (was struggling with OCD, panic attacks, depression). Although the latter surely contribute to it, I completely didn't have a clue that the main reason for this was my severe PMO addiction. I was aware I was an addict, but I didn't know how much this contributed to my states. Now it is clear...This is day 18. I'm clean, no porn, no jerking off, no stimulation. What happened? By now I think the withdrawal symptoms are behind me. I have more energy, I'm enthusiastic about life. Have less anxiety. I'm more balanced and for the first time in years, I felt joy from just being. I'm still early on my journey, but so far I noticed significant improvments. Guys, please stick to it. Go cold turkey, hard mode. This really helps. It will save your life.My last week before November 4, when I quit it was a fucking nightmare. I went insane, I was unbalanced, way out of my mind. My porn use escalated so much that I considered acting out stuff that didn't really match my preferences. It was so sick, when I look back, even from the perspective of over two weeks, that it's just frightening. Be strong, urges will pass, brain will heal. Freedom will come.
Interestingly, I have a device called Moona which is a cooling pad you put in your pillowcase (it uses water; it's pretty neat). It also has an accelerometer built into it and smartphone integration, so it records movement while you sleep and displays it on a graph on your phone. Most nights I seems to move quite a bit, and it feels difficult to sleep. A few days ago however I had a GREAT day and the night before I apparently didn't move AT ALL while sleeping (or very, very little) according to the graph.I wonder what's going on. I hope that as I continue in this journey my sleep quality will improve and I'll have more of those nights/days.
Day 20I'm clean for 20 days and life feels good again. Although I'm still early in my recovery process I feel a lot of benefits. I didn't expect to feel that good at day 20, taking into account that I abused myself with PMO for the last 15 years.Noticeable changes? I feel grounded, more relaxed and emotionally balanced. I'm no longer emotionally dysregulated, always on the search for a new distraction.My memory improved, my focus sharpened and I don't remember when I felt that energetic. I can work for hours and multitask without a need for a major rest. Also, my awareness sharpened and I can distinct between impulses and strong emotions. I started to notice, that before I went cold turkey, my sexual impulses led to wanking in front of my PC screen (if I had a chance to do it). Now it's different. I sense the sexual energy and while not trying to suppress it, I just let it be and see that I might not act upon it. I'm still in a flatline but have mild sexual desires. They are not "porn cravings". They are just my sexual needs. I don't desire porn, but real-life females.What I also discovered that breaking this addiction it's actually not about kicking "a porn addiction", it's about healing your damaged sexuality often driven by fetishes and compulsivity.I'm sure a lot of you had this feeling after shooting your load. WTF? What did I do? This is not what I desire! This not who I'm! This is crazy! And the cycle of shame goes on.Thanks for reading and interacting so far. As an addict, you can never be too confident when it comes to sobriety, but as long as you are willing to be free, you're on the right path.Be strong, urges will pass, brain will heal. Freedom will come.
Just found this journal, it’s a really good one. Keep it up, addictionbreaker, this is inspiring. I can relate to many things you have written, so I will definitely keep an eye on your journal. Good luck. And good luck to lukeman as well.
happydude, even though it sounds like you still occasionally consume PMO from time to time, have you maintained improvements in energy level, mood, and etc. regardless? How long was your initial recovery or how long did you abstain from PMO before starting to use it again, even on an intermittent basis?
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Topic: The struggle towards freedom (Read 860 times)
