Author Topic: First day of the rest of my life  (Read 900 times)

Tinmann

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First day of the rest of my life
« on: November 08, 2020, 02:44:35 PM »
Today's the first day of the rest of my life. A little about myself. I'm 53 years old been married to a wonderful woman for 11 with her for a total of 16 years. A couple of days ago she asked me for a divorce. I love her with all my heart and I'm devastated. My addiction has totally destroyed something beautiful. I'm hoping this reboot helps me become the man she deserved and once loved, I was a good person. It's too late for us, I just hope it's not too late for me.

Joel

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2020, 02:56:52 PM »
Hi Tinmann,
Sorry to hear about what you're going through. Rebooting sounds like a great way to kick start the future. Great resource here full of good supporting guys.

Tinmann

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2020, 03:21:39 PM »
Thank you so much, support is definitely something I need right now.

LetItGoAlready

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2020, 06:26:16 PM »
Tinmann - Welcome to the board. Sorry to hear you're suffering because of your PA. It's all relative of course, but no one here has been spared from P's destruction. That doesn't make your story any less devastating, but perhaps it will give you some comfort knowing that you are not alone in this struggle. Not by a long shot.

If you work hard at this and really dig deep, you will not be exactly the same man who started this journey. You won't be the person you were before addiction, either, because you will have more self-wisdom and self-awareness than you ever did before. Will you become the man your wife deserves? Hopefully. But there are other goals to shoot for, too, like becoming the man who learns to love and forgive himself, who heals from the scars of his past, and who becomes the man he has always wanted to be.

It's not too late for you, friend. Take care.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2020, 10:36:03 PM by LetItGoAlready »

Tinmann

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2020, 09:34:29 AM »
LetItGoAlready Thank you, definitely words I need to hear.
Day 3
I have noticed most as I Reboot the times that I have turned to P. Mornings it would provide better stimulus than a cup of coffee, any time I knew my wife was going to be home late that was a time I knew I could be alone with my addiction. Due to my current state of mind and battling emotional lows and the onslaught of depression my libido is non existent.
I think that this helps me stay clear of P and my triggers are low. I'm hoping that this is a silver lining to have a stronger foundation to handle my PA when things get better.
Journals and support from this community have been a great asset for me in not only my PA but struggle with depression.
It's good to know you're not alone.

Tinmann

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2020, 10:41:02 PM »
Day 5
Stress, anxiety, depression... I find myself looking for an escape and I know porn can give me that albeit a temporary one.
Prayer and meditation have helped a bit, I'm a bit rusty at both but it's coming back.
A week ago today my wife told me she wants a divorce, rough day for me. I'm struggling, not just my addiction , but to keep my head above water.
Broke down a couple times today, it's to be expected but it still makes me feel weak and causes me to fear the days ahead.
One thing I can say is that Rebooting helps with my self worth, I didn't expect that.

Tinmann

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2020, 10:28:21 AM »
I am seriously struggling today. My wife leaves on weekends and being home alone with my own thoughts is overwhelming. The urge to turn to porn is constantly gnawing at the back of my mind. I honestly don't think I'll make it through this day without it.
I'm going to go to the gym and try to sweat things out... I've gone a week now and I really don't want to lose any progress.

Joel

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2020, 10:55:36 AM »
well done on a week, my friend. When in that situation, I find it helpful to 'binge' on Nofap material. Videos this website links to, success stories, porn free radio podcast. It's the less comfortable thing to do, but you'll be inspired that porn isn't the answer. Good luck! See you on the other side.

Tinmann

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2020, 10:27:10 PM »
Joel thank you.
Working out reading others journals and a couple YouTube videos definitely helped.
Tomorrow is another day.

LetItGoAlready

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #9 on: November 16, 2020, 10:46:32 AM »
Timmann - Congrats on making it a week! I concur with Joel's recommendation of binge reading NoFap literature as an alternative to binging in less helpful ways.  Stay strong and keep coming back to the forum when/if those urges strike again.

Tinmann

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2020, 10:04:13 AM »
LetItGoAlready,thanks for the words of encouragement.
Confession time.
I have found myself browsing dating sites like I would porn, I know this is a step in the wrong direction but I struggle. I am no where close to begin dating, going to be quite a while and I know that this a way to get my "fix".
Gotta stop.
My wife and I still live together but lately she's been staying out later. I can read the writing on the wall and it hurts. That's when I go on line to see "what's out there" to quell my loneliness but I feel myself spiraling into that familiar rabbit hole.
It actually feels good not browsing porn but I know I'm walking a fine line.
I'm open to suggestions if anyone would like.
11th day of my Reboot

jixu

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #11 on: November 19, 2020, 11:27:24 AM »
Really applaud your deciding to begin this battle in the midst of your current difficult circumstances.  But, it makes sense to do this, as you need to have a clear mind to assess the situation around you at this time.  Staying clean will help you focus and figure out what you need to be doing.  Stay with it-one day at a time.   

LetItGoAlready

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #12 on: November 19, 2020, 12:26:19 PM »
Hi Tinmann - I agree with Jixu. This is brave battle you're fighting. You could easily give in to the chaos and let it carry you in the wrong direction, but that's not what you're doing and I commend you for that.

As far as dating sites go, I think you've already rightly identified it as a trigger and have sought accountability for it, which is good. My suggestion is that you take a good look at your self care routine and ask yourself if you're really taking care of that part of you that wants to go down the rabbit hole. And by taking care, I don't mean taking care of the little man downstairs. With all that's going on right now, you need to seek out activities that restore balance and bring calm and peace to your life. Meditation, exercise, spiritual devotion (if you're religious), connecting with people in your support network, etc.

Wishing you well, brother.

Phineas 808

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #13 on: November 19, 2020, 06:18:55 PM »
Tinmann, nice to meet you.

Sorry for your difficult struggles in your marriage.

For the dating sites, I agree with what others have said.

What I would do to break this emerging habit is replace it with another one. If you find yourself going to those dating sites, switch it up and open up an anti-porn website, something that will help you.

This is just a little way to distract yourself, and derail this before it becomes an ingrained habit.

Be well.
My abstinence is currently at 104+days.

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Tinmann

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #14 on: November 20, 2020, 03:27:36 PM »
Jixu, LetItGoAlready, Phineas808,
Thank you. Your advice and words of encouragement are most helpful.
As of today I am still rebooting. I've taken it easy with the dating sites, I know it's not healthy for several reasons just a means of escape actually. Today is a good day so far, no overwhelming sadness or cravings for porn, I feel like I'm actually a functional human being.
Hopefully I can carry this attitude through the weekend.
Weekends tend to be the most difficult so I made a list of chores, hopefully I can keep active enough to not only stay of the internet but also keep my mind occupied to fend of that cloud of depression.
Reboot Day 12

Tinmann

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #15 on: November 23, 2020, 10:21:53 PM »
I'm writing this evening because I really want the escape of porn right now.
Just finished financial papers for my divorce, went upstairs to ask my wife a question and noticed the bedroom door was closed... should have turned around. I could hear she was on the phone, not the first time she's made a call behind closed doors but the first time I listened. We are on a lockdown of sorts right now, no inside dining or bars.
I heard her set up a meeting with someone, a man, I could hear his voice. They discussed where and when they could meet and sit outside. Could be innocent but it definitely wasn't work related.
I may make it through this evening but I'm pretty sure my Reboot may end on "date night".
I know the time and place but I won't confront her, no point at this time.
I just wish she'd wait until we were at least separated.
Sorry for going on, it helps getting things out in the open and off my chest.

Phineas 808

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #16 on: November 24, 2020, 12:15:03 PM »
Sorry to hear about this, Tinman.

I could not begin to fully relate, though I do know my own behaviors go toward unwanted behaviors when the wife and I have a fight- especially if I feel misunderstood, etc...

I hope that "date night" isn't a green light for your issues, but instead signals a victory for the 'new you' that will come through and emerge from all of this.

Be well.
My abstinence is currently at 104+days.

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Tinmann

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #17 on: November 24, 2020, 04:42:10 PM »
Phineas 808- That little voice in my head is definitely trying to justify porn and masturbation. At times I definitely feel weaker than others but one thing that keeps me going is I am curious to see what can truly develop being porn free for at least a month so I am going to just get through one more day and not look too far forward.
Reboot day 16

Phineas 808

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #18 on: November 25, 2020, 11:35:45 AM »
Phineas 808- That little voice in my head is definitely trying to justify porn and masturbation. At times I definitely feel weaker than others but one thing that keeps me going is I am curious to see what can truly develop being porn free for at least a month so I am going to just get through one more day and not look too far forward.
Reboot day 16

Good job, brother! Definitely take one day at a time.

You will see that your life is far better without that crap in your life.

You owe it first of all to yourself to be the best version of yourself, to realize your full potential. On all fronts, porn is an unfair trade off, we get a pleasurable dopamine hit, but in the process diminish our ability to be with a 'real partner', our ability to be intimate with another human being, and to become shackled to this thing for years, maybe even decades more.
My abstinence is currently at 104+days.

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LetItGoAlready

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #19 on: November 25, 2020, 01:47:33 PM »
Quote
At times I definitely feel weaker than others but one thing that keeps me going is I am curious to see what can truly develop being porn free for at least a month so I am going to just get through one more day and not look too far forward.

Great job staying accountable and, for one more day, not doing the bidding of that little voice in your head. You're making great progress here, friend!

Tinmann

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #20 on: November 26, 2020, 03:38:44 PM »
I am so very disappointed in myself.
This morning I allowed myself to fall into that familiar trap of Pornography. I didn't want to but the urge was to strong. Laying in bed feeling sorry for myself I browsed those old familiar websites drinking in images. I stopped but found myself returning.
I didn't masturbate but this is still a big loss for me. Rebooting was at least something I was consciously doing that I felt good about.
I will try again.

Phineas 808

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #21 on: November 26, 2020, 07:24:49 PM »
Yes, try and try again. It is within you to beat this thing- to change your habits, change your life.

You have in the moment a stark contrast between what you consciously feel good about (rebooting) and the disappointment you feel.

But this is a good place, just like the tension in a bow pulled all the way back (far from the target), but nonetheless building energy. Release that bow-string, and let the arrow fly!

My analogy is, take these negative feelings you have right now, and use them, use this moment as an opportunity to launch toward your goal, your target.

Think about what led to the urges, can you change any habit surrounding this? What emotions were you feeling, were you trying to alter your mood? Can you identify a moment before responding to the urges where you could have gone a different direction, done something differently?

Wishing you well, Tinmann- embrace the potential in this moment, unpleasant as it may be, to launch toward your desired goals.
My abstinence is currently at 104+days.

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LetItGoAlready

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #22 on: November 26, 2020, 07:41:40 PM »
Hi Tinmann - Really sorry to hear about your slip this morning, but ALL IS NOT LOST. Getting caught in that trap is upsetting and feels like a huge let down, but try not to get caught up in the trap of black and white thinking.

Few who have struggled with PA have been able to rocket towards recovery without some slips along the way. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that NO ONE IN HISTORY WHO HAS EVER TRIED TO REBOOT FROM PA HAS SUCCESSFULLY AVOIDED A SLIP. It is unfortunately part of the process, as are the feelings of shame and self-loathing that follow a slip. Which is why it's important to take the long view of your recovery and not get caught in a spiral of negative thinking.

The long view is that you are confronting the problem. Not running from the problem. Not hiding from it. Or lying to yourself about it. You are full on confronting it, my friend. Balls to the wall, coming clean to the brotherhood confronting it.

Feel good about the fact that you are here bravely dealing with this shit when so many others refuse to acknowledge that they even have a problem or are too ashamed to admit it to another human being. And have some compassion for yourself right now because it's not an easy thing to deal with. Take care!




 

jixu

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #23 on: November 26, 2020, 09:49:46 PM »
Your journey is just beginning and you are already off to a good start.  Being disappointed, as you stated, is appropriate, and is different than being despondent, which is of no use.  Good stuff has been posted in the earlier comments by Let It Go and Phineas; concur with them and hope you can learn from the slip and keep going! 

Tinmann

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Re: First day of the rest of my life
« Reply #24 on: December 05, 2020, 09:41:48 AM »
Thank you all for the support and the advice.
    I stumbled,fell and honestly wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get back up again, but I did. Resources like Reboot Nation and you, my peers not only give me hope but the courage to get back up on my feet brush myself off and continue forward on my journey. I thank you all for this.
            I won't go into detail about my relapse into porn but I will tell you that once I was in its clutches it was difficult break free. One interesting thing I noticed is that my brain on porn is definitely a different one. I noticed a personality change. When I was rebooting my thoughts seemed more clear, my brain less muddled and I had much less anger inside. I was a better person.
       I believe this is what helped me when I woke up this morning. I want to be that person. The person that's a little quicker to smile, a little more inner peace, the person that feels better about himself. When porn is an active part of my life my soul feels a little darker and I feel like I'm hiding secrets, which I am, and that's just not healthy.
                I am an avid hiker and never have I Let a slip, stumble or even a fall stop me from getting to the top of the mountain.
           I'm not going to let this relapse get in my way to  reach my final goal.