Author Topic: PIED and Married  (Read 920 times)

brandon1984

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PIED and Married
« on: October 25, 2020, 08:57:47 AM »
I've seen a few topics where a guy started months and months ago and he just writes a new post regularly to keep himself going. He's basically using it as a journal and it looks helpful so I will give it a go.

Backstory: I have a brother 4 years older and I remember him going into the family computer room and telling me to come see what he was looking at lol. It all started with pictures and then went to us sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night to watch some hbo softcore. We then started taping it, which make it more exciting. It's crazy that I kept that up all the way into college. I didn't even have my first PMO until sophomore year in college. I just liked the excitement and being hard. Plus i had girlfriends along the way. Once I did my first PMO, it was over. It seems so natural to do and spoken about casually in movies that it further supplants in your mind that I can keep this up. I also have a religious background so I had the thought well if I do this at least I'm not causing a woman to fornicate.

Honestly I only experience PIED the amount of times that I can count on 1 hand. I didn't even learn what PIED was until a couple of months ago. I got married 3 years ago and our sex life hasn't been great. We were both trying to practice abstinence so PMOing during our relationship prior to marriage was regular. We still would slip up every now and then, but the fact that we weren't trying to have sex added to me being aroused. Now we are married, that's gone. And now that she is finally willing to get pregnant I believe that performance anxiety could be playing a part. I asked my doctor for some pills, they did nothing. After watching some videos on PIED i've learned that it's not a physical problem, but a mental problem.

I'm going to give it a go! I had 3 weeks down, but then we had a argument and I slipped up...which turned into me slipping up the next 4 days in a row. Let's mark today as day 1!

stepbystep

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2020, 10:30:30 AM »
Hello,

Great to see you posting here and admitting you have a problem. This is a huge step in the right direction as most people never get there. There are a lot of great resources on yourbrainonporn you should check out. What are the areas you struggle in? What are your triggers? How are you going to do things differently this time around?

We're rooting for you! Good luck!

SBS
In recovery since December 2012. Porn-free since December 21, 2020.

Bilbo Baggins

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2020, 11:46:36 AM »
Hi Brandon,

Welcome on the forum. This is a good place to find support and advice on porn addiction. If you haven’t already, go check the website yourbrainonporn.com and get the book Your Brain on Porn (available on Kindle for 5$). There you will find all the info you need on the subject, and on this forum as well.

Good luck on your journey.

brandon1984

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2020, 01:55:15 PM »
Hey SBS, good to hear from you. I saw your post as well and it was helpful. Good to hear from you. Yea i checked out the yourbrainonporn website and found some good info there. When you ask what areas i'm struggling in, what areas are you speaking about? My triggers would be if i'm alone in the house. That thoughts pop in like "prime time, lets go!" lol but i've been pushing that away. I do have a friend whose been going through the same thing with porn addiction. He's been married 10 years and he's still struggling. I'm on year 3 so i'm not trying to go down that path, but we're helping each other out. We set up software called Qustodio which blocks everything on our phones and computers. I have his password and he has mine so we can't override the software.

Another trigger would be media, whether it be social media, movies that may show nudity...so i'm staying away visually from any woman that's not my wife. Good question of what i'm going to do differently this time around. Not sure what other extremes i can take but i'm open for all suggestions.

Thanks Bilbo as well for your comment! I'll check it out!

brandon1984

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2020, 06:16:54 PM »
No temptations today, thank God. A guy from my church said he works with PIED and he said from his experience that guys with faith recover quicker. I hope that's true. I will continue to give that a try. Along this journey i MUST practice patience! The last time I attempted no P I lasted 2 1/2 weeks if not more and I was still experiencing PIED lol. I know, I know....younger guys can take much longer than older guys. I watched the video of one of the founders saying his flatline lasted 6 months I believe. I just have to keep thinking about the life at the end of this road. A life where I can truly be happy and not dependent on screen stimulation! Where I can have my wife feel desired daily! My sex drive seems shot and so does my wife's! I take all the blame. So much blame/shame/guilt that I feel and rightfully so. She deserves better and I'll give her better!

Seems like all the movies/tv I'm watching are showing babies. Making me feel guilty about not being able to have one now, with my wife who is just patiently waiting for/with me. I hope she can continue to wait. Then social media with all these covid pregnancies, so much to see. I don't want to be a hater, but i am envious. One day it'll be me. I'm claiming it now!

brandon1984

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2020, 08:03:32 AM »
So Day 7 posting on here...1 week later! No PMO!

Oh fellas, day 5 I woke up with a 70% morning wood. That gave me hope. Just felt good to see life in it to be honest lol because it's been like a dead piece of meat. My wife told me she took that test where she's ovulating and that we needed to try. I did not feel confident to perform but I tried. At first, no signs of life and then it got to like 70% and then like 90% so we started and it dropped dead like 15 seconds later. My first thought was, ok i'm still in the process and so i didn't feel the normal frustration/disappointment that I normally felt. Knowledge is power!! Learn about the process, the usual time frame for our ages, and be hopeful! I do have a relationship with God so I hold my hope in Him! I thought we were done for the night, i was just happy we had sex, no matter how short it was! She came back over and tried starting again and i went to 100%!!! So my praise report is that we did it, i was able to ejaculate and my thoughts are hopefully her egg catches one lol!!

I went to get a physical about a month ago and I asked the doctor about me getting checked out and to check my sperm count, because honestly i've been on porn for decades now. Some nights i'd PMO 4 times, stayin up til 3am, even though I'd have to wake up for work at 6:30. The doctor told me how difficult it is to actually get pregnant. You only have like 3 days out of EVERY MONTH for the perfect timing. I definitely didn't know that. She let me know that when a couple is trying to get pregnant that they should try for at least 6 months before they consult a doctor on why they're not getting pregnant. Even after that they check the WOMAN first, not the male. She said it's best to try every other day. So Friday was day 1, yesterday was the day off, and today is the 2nd run. I woke up, had 100% wood...i woke her up and it worked again!! God is good! Prayer works!! I feel so energized and grateful! This just motivates me even more NOT to PMO!

I watched a powerful sermon yesterday on youtube, titled "Pastor John Nixon - Desperate Housewives (Marriage Counseling for Men)". Dude, that thing broke me down to tears, in front of my wife. It's basically saying WE as husbands have the power to make our wives BLOOM or make them desperate house wives. If there is a problem in the marriage, it's OUR fault, as MEN! I take all the blame, it's my/our responsibility! They gave us their hearts at the alter, which basically told us that we are in charge of it. PMOing is a problem we need to scrap. She needs to be precious to us. To be precious means there's not a female on this planet that can take her place and there's not another female on this planet we need to have or LOOK at! She needs and deserves to feel that special feeling we can give her! He also has a follow up sermon for wives you can check out.

Welp that's enough for today, i'm encouraged and i hope you all are encouraged! Prayer works!
« Last Edit: November 01, 2020, 08:08:11 AM by brandon1984 »

brandon1984

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2020, 07:08:59 AM »
Day 15! Been a while

I'm not really seeing the motivation here on my posts, but hey i'll press on. It's just interesting to see other posts with 10 pages of replies.

We have to motivate ourselves and that's by getting a plan together, which can be a routine, that is going to put you into a warrior's mindset to freedom from this ADDICTION!! We have to take this thing serious. We've been dealing with it for decades, or at least i have. It warrants our full undivided focus on destroying it. For the sake of our future happiness and the happiness of our significant others!

My plan is to get out of bed, drop on my knees, and pray for the rebooting of my mind back to it's original state, as He intended it to be. Where just the simple smell of my wife and touch of her hand gets me a hard rock full erection that we can both enjoy. I've seen prayer work, so the motto is to never worry and to always pray. No point to worry if you're going to pray. They're supposed to cancel each other out.

So yea, Day 15...i did have flashbacks of  some girls i used to like to watch but i would quickly try and think of other things so that i can finally dismiss those brain pathways!! Screen stimulation is real and the TV/movie producers know what they're doing when picking women for roles and writing scenes. They want to stimulate us so that we keep watching. Stay on guard fellas!!

brandon1984

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2020, 06:54:38 AM »
Day 18, no P-M-O!

I'm having less and less thoughts. Every morning I do the Lord's prayer, so not sure if that's the key that's been working lol. Either way i'm going to keep up this routine, for LIFE, if i have to in order to keep these results! I'm not sure if i'm still experiencing PIED or not because we haven't tried again since Day 7. Again, our sex drives are shot i feel like. Seems like we both rather watch tv or play on our phones. Whether it be social media, online shopping/browsing for items, or playing a phone game. We need to do better. I have to take the lead and be intentional. In the videos about PIED the guy said, is the term "kareza" or something is a helpful tool to use. Makes sense, if we want to increase our intimacy we need to start being more intimate. Again, she wasn't brought up with seeing her parents have any type of physical touch so she's not touchy feely. That is definitely 1 of my love languages though so i need that. I guess i got/get tired of expressing that so when i'm not getting it then it's EASYYYYY to turn to porn.

She told me the other day she felt anxious and that she usually feels that way right before her period. That kinda made me sad/disappointed because that would mean she isn't pregnant. I'm still holding out hope and praying though! Prayer does work! It doesn't mean EVERYTHING you pray for will be GRANTED. That's the key word. He's not a genie. It's either a no, yes, or not now. It's all for our good so we just have to trust. Positive vibes only!

brandon1984

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2020, 06:32:44 PM »
Day 26, no P-M-O

This is definitely the farthest I've come in any recent memory. Same routine, EVERY DAY! I get up...drop to my knees....do the Lord's prayer, which states to keep me away from temptation. The URGE that would surge through my limbs and every thought is not there anymore. I hope and pray it's gone forever. Alas, we are addicts so that's keeping me grounded. Never break routine! See the light at the end of the tunnel and get in the warrior's mindset to reach it!

THIS IS NOT A GAME!

The enemy wants us stuck in the mud, but we can overcome! My wife should be ovulating this time next week so we'll see if I can give another praise report. I'm getting random hard ons throughout the day, which is encouraging. It's like it's saying, hey remember me? lol I feel i see my wife more and more, the more that I stay away from P. Morning wood isn't every morning, but maybe every other morning? I'll take it. We'll see when it becomes a everyday thing. Is it supposed to everyday for our age group?

batman99

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #9 on: November 20, 2020, 08:32:45 PM »
Keep going Brandon, continue to stay strong  :)

brandon1984

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #10 on: November 21, 2020, 01:51:20 PM »
Day 27...no M-O

Big fight with my wife this morning over some BS and we both said some things we shouldn't have said. Usually my temptation level is at a 10/10 to just go watch P. I reached out to my accountability partner and told him I was at like a 3/10 but then I started playing a phone game and got very frustrated, which is another trigger for release, and the temptation popped to like a 7. I logged onto a site i would watch girls on, saw some familiar favorite faces and quickly got a erection. 30 seconds later I logged off.

I'd definitely call that a slip. I didn't touch my penis, but the dopamine and adrenaline rush definitely were in full effect. My wife is all the way upstairs, I'm all the way downstairs alone, perfect timing. I know she won't be coming in since she's still mad.

It also doesn't help that we haven't even attempted sex since her last ovulating period like 3 weeks ago. She had her period, so no good news there which sucks. Her libido is zero, i don't even think she wants a O. She also told me she doesn't even really like making out anymore because her sense of smell or something has heightened? I'm not brushing my teeth every hour. We made out all the time prior to marriage. Like ALL the time, especially since we were celibate or at least tried to be. So with her not naturally not being touchy feely, then it's so much work getting her in the mood, now no making out...man she's just a friend seems like which makes me want to say screw it and watch P!! Smh this is the worst.

I just read a post on here where the guy said 90 days clean. Then he just went away. He recently posted like last week, which is how i even found it because it was at the top, and he said here's a 3 year update. He married the girlfriend he mentioned in his early posts and he's fully off P. He gets erections any time, any place and he's loving it. I need that. I want that. I think me dealing with PIED has me being less aggressive with attempting sex with her. The fear of not performing is definitely not gone. Who even knows when the flatline ends. It's different for different people, i know. I'll keep pushing.

Glonk

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #11 on: November 22, 2020, 01:27:29 PM »
Stay Strong Brother ! Keep journaling ! It does give strength to lot of people to continue the battle !

BabySteps

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2020, 10:44:06 AM »
Hey Brandon

Keep going buddy. I'm rooting for you!

BS

BuckeyeGuy

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2020, 01:56:52 PM »
Brandon, glad you were able to find an accountability partner I know it has helped me as well.  I hope that things are going well for you.  I have also found that focused meditation has helped me.  When I have thoughts that used to lead me to P, I imagine those thoughts being rolled into a ball and then being taken captive and it has helped.  Sometimes I have to focus more that I like or for longer than other times but it is helping!  Have a great day and keep going!

brandon1984

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #14 on: December 28, 2020, 08:21:01 AM »
Yep, i been fell off.

Day 6 no PMO

It's motivating to see my earlier posts. I'll get back on the horse and continue to journal.

akpal2

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #15 on: December 28, 2020, 09:04:28 AM »
Yep, i been fell off.

Day 6 no PMO

It's motivating to see my earlier posts. I'll get back on the horse and continue to journal.

Brandon, I have been in your situation, recovered 90% once and then relapsed. It's a tough battle. One of the things I want to know, are you using any substitutes for porn? When I mean substitutes I mean anything that gives you hypersexualized thoughts? Any thoughts that give you an erection? Just stay away from anything that gives thoughts that give you an erection. Everything off limits except a real flesh and blood woman.

brandon1984

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #16 on: December 29, 2020, 04:02:40 PM »
Thanks @Akpal2, I appreciate your motivation and concern. I would be tempted to see instagram girls or little sex scenes here and there on TV but no more. I fast forward through all that crap now.

Day 7 no PMO

akpal2

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #17 on: December 29, 2020, 04:37:07 PM »
Thanks @Akpal2, I appreciate your motivation and concern. I would be tempted to see instagram girls or little sex scenes here and there on TV but no more. I fast forward through all that crap now.

Day 7 no PMO

That's really good to know. Just keep off of instagram. For many guys that has been porn substitute. I am on day 9 of hard mode.

brandon1984

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #18 on: February 02, 2021, 06:58:11 AM »
I will start back up with these daily journals. I'm so sick of this problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a relapse like a week and half ago and now I'm back to a flatline it seems. My wife is ovulating right about now so this is the worst. I'm so pissed at myself for letting this happen.

I am hopeful because I have seen myself come out of it, however long the short period was, but I was back to morning wood. I need to get back there. P sucks!! It's keeping me from being fully happy with my wife, with my life.

akpal2

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #19 on: February 02, 2021, 09:55:48 AM »
don't worry, get back up. I too had relapsed to manual stimulation (checking to see if it works, it worked and then pulled me into a chaser effect), but now i am almost 3 weeks from that stupid "checking" episode. On the plus side, only manual stimulation worked, but it took a VERY long time and constant hand stimulation to O.

Pdub

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #20 on: February 02, 2021, 10:11:05 AM »
Hey brandon1984,

Like you I am married and struggling with an addiction to porn.  It can be tough, especially when you have to explain what is happening to your significant other.  Even more so if you try to hide it.  One of the first videos I watched of a married man admitting he had a problem with porn was Terry Crews "Dirty Little Secret".  If you haven't seen it yet, it's highly motivating to see someone you may have seen in movies and tv admit they have a problem with porn as well.  He even went full on hard mode while being honest with his wife.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4krRkO4sHc

Stay strong and good luck!
It gets easier.  Every day it gets a little easier.  But you gotta do it every day - that's the hard part.  But it does get easier.

akpal2

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #21 on: February 02, 2021, 04:34:04 PM »
brandon, I am also married and trying to recover. It is tough as hell. But hang in there. A few months later you will be out of the woods, but we have to be patient. This message is as much for me as it is for you.

CB

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #22 on: February 02, 2021, 04:52:02 PM »
One of the biggest steps is telling yourself you’ve got a problem with pmo. I’m in the same boat about the mental performance anxiety and trying to get children.
Try reading up as much as you can on addiction in general. This is no different, it’s a kind of sex addiction. It will be tough to get out of, but it is definitely doable just like other addictions.
You’re doing really good, just keep at it! As Akpal said, this message  is also as much for myself as for you. Stay patient, libido will be gone for a while but don’t get scared. It is normal, happened to me when I had my longest run of almost 2 years. Libido came back maybe after 3 months a little by little. And sex with my gf was great.
Patience and keep fighting.

brandon1984

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #23 on: February 08, 2021, 06:15:37 AM »
akpal2 - yeaaaa that checking point man lol!! I've definitely been there. I'm lookin at it like "dude, are you alive or did I kill you?" So now that we KNOW, then no more check in's are needed for the rest of our lives thankfully. Yea however long it takes, i'll hold on brother! I created a vision board, my wife's idea, and on it I have a photo that says "things good husbands do for their wives ever day". One of the biggest things I can do for my wife everyday is to FIGHT the addiction. When i'm using the addiction, I'm shorter with my wife, less compasionate, less interested really smh. It's such a sad place to be. That's just one of the photos and I have it on my computer screen's wallpaper so I see it everyday. It's always good to see your personal goals everyday. I appreciate your words and encouragement! Let's keep going!

Pdub - thanks for hitting me up my fellow husband and addict! This addiction thing is real! We got married in 2017 and I swore SHE was the problem smh...the whole time I WAS THE PROBLEM! I would think she's not being sexy/seductive enough but truth is I was just an addict not getting his fix of extreme stimulation. Then when ED came, those were my first thoughts because I knew i could get hard but I never heard of PIED. I didn't find that out until like 3 years into the marriage. Now we're getting to year 4 and I proclaim year 4 and onwards will be our BEST years! I brought her into the conversation, stopped hiding it, and sent her videos! The secret is no more! I'll check out the Terry Crews video now, thanks for sharing!

CB - yep, definitely took that big step! Yea man, children are a huge motivator for me. As I told akpal, I have this vision board and one of the photos is of a married couple with their 2 kids. I see this photo everytime I turn on the computer! WE KNOW what we have to do to get there. It won't be EASY since we are addicts but we know it's possible. We need as much motivation as we can get!

brandon1984

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Re: PIED and Married
« Reply #24 on: February 08, 2021, 07:04:42 AM »
Oh i forgot my praise report. I had morning wood this morning! Too bad my wife isn't ovulating anymore smh. I woke up and it felt as hard as concrete lol. My wife was up so I told her to feel it and she said, "why wasn't it like this last week?" when she was ovulating. It kinda made me feel bad. She didn't say it in a mean way, she was just disappointed. I was too. She's a rider though. I thank God for her patience, grace, and mercy. She told me she feels like she's in a holding pattern. I need to keep her in the loop with this journey because really she's on the journey with me. I put her in this position that she didn't ask for. I have to make it so that she and I can make it! And so that our future family can finally be a  reality! I can't wait to post in here that she's pregnant. I also can't wait to come back here and say the gender! After that, I can't wait to say "I AM A FATHER!!"!

Yah/God bless