Author Topic: Yes I Can! (Read 145246 times)

bob · « **Reply #850 on:** November 13, 2019, 07:44:49 AM »

Morning world.

Just a note to say that I continue on with my quest. Things have not gotten easier but I am still here. Hope all are doing well and that your recovery continues forward.

Will post again soon.

Peace

bob · « **Reply #851 on:** November 17, 2019, 03:56:49 PM »

Just started the The Great Courses, Practicing Mindfulness: An Introduction to Meditation. I am excited about its potential and what I will be able to learn about the process. Just started so I will let folks know when i am further into the course.

bob · « **Reply #852 on:** November 23, 2019, 06:59:30 AM »

It is challenging to set aside time to work with the mindfulness. Time I have spend is beneficial. I just need to continued. Still actively working on eliminating outside thoughts and slippery behavior. pmo is behind me and that's where it needs to stay. Can't be sure it will never return but I am taking the attitude that it can't. Its just not worth the problems it causes. Just want to be careful about the "never" statements.

Good vibes to all that are struggling with this. It truly is a demon that seems to want to control ones life. The mind can be such a control freak.

Peace

bob · « **Reply #853 on:** November 24, 2019, 11:45:44 AM »

I feel tentative when I say I am doing well and moving forward. I would like to say that I am months, even years away from my last encounter with pmo but its really 20 days out of my last pmo and 6 days from mo. Masturbation isn't a deal breaker for me; it just introduces behavior that may lead me down the road to other things so I am trying to distance myself.

I have been working at this a good long time and I want to be free of this thing. Currently working a 12 step program. Bit difficult as I don't see a God as my Higher Power. But, there has been enough time working on this so I am writing, researching, thinking and going to meetings.

Hope all is well with others that are here and that we all get to the point where this is in our past.

Peace

bob · « **Reply #854 on:** December 07, 2019, 07:00:32 PM »

Continuing on my quest for a pmo free life.

I am still clean and have been attending SAA meetings. Never thought I would say this but it helps to have a face to face group where you are totally accepted and that the things you have done in the past don't really mater. That is to say that they are not held against you as a person. Whether your issues were with porn, prostitutes, strip clubs or adult book stores, you are accepted and loved as person.

Peace to all and keep up your work to rid your life of this stuff. It's really not worth the hassle.

Peace

bob · « **Reply #855 on:** January 24, 2020, 10:19:38 AM »

I have been here on RN since 2015 and it is time for me to move on.

I haven't posted in a while and many of the the people whom I have come to know are already gone. Now it is my time.

I haven't gotten years of sobriety but I know I will because sobriety has become a new part of my life. My new life exist with other things than compulsive sexual behavior. I have had to reinvent myself to fill the void that pmo once held. It's power is slowly diminishing. I continue to grow as I fill my life with other activities. Things that fulfill me and support me in my life without pmo.

The new me continues to move forward. Not always in a straight line but forward I will go. The behaviors of the past have been put in a trunk and placed in the attic. They remain. They always will. But when they are out of sight, they loose their power to control my life. It isn't easy but it is where I need to be.

Peace to all brothers and sisters in this struggle. You can do this! Keep trying different things and continue to learn as much as you can about yourself.

I have grown to love this place, the people, and what we have been through together. I will miss it but it is time.

I plan to stop back in about 6 months to confirm I am on my way.

Gracie · « **Reply #856 on:** January 24, 2020, 09:14:32 PM »

Safe travels my friend!

Jbow · « **Reply #857 on:** January 27, 2020, 07:51:32 AM »

I wish you the best of luck Bob. You and I have been here battling for a while now. We have the tools to beat this crap, we just need to use them when the time is right. Porn is no longer an option.

aquarius25 · « **Reply #858 on:** April 29, 2020, 03:00:45 PM »

Glad to hear you are in a good place! Sending you much peace and love my friend.

im(not)aquitter · « **Reply #859 on:** January 07, 2021, 06:03:28 PM »

Bob! I hope you have peace!

You were one of those encouraging me when i started.

I fell back into bad habits but I'm on track now.
I suddenly remembered you when reading this thread:
https://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.0
and saw your name there!

Peace Bob!

bob · « **Reply #860 on:** January 30, 2021, 06:04:25 PM »

Thanks i'm (not). I appreciate your kind words. Good for you to stick with it. Never stop on this. You can do it!

Peace

bob · « **Reply #861 on:** January 30, 2021, 06:32:12 PM »

It has been a long time since I stopped in at RN. During that time I have been writing points to myself to help me determine what I need to accomplish to stay on track. I wanted to post a few of them here.

How will I rejoice in the successful as I progress towards my goal? Being positive during this process is vital for success

Accept that I am a sexual being with complex and often confusing desires and experiences
Acknowledge that my wife loves me unconditionally.
Understanding challenges with Compulsive Sexual Behavior (CSB) exits within the cycle of Trigger, Fantasy, Ritual, Acting-Out, Shame, Repeat.
Be proud that I am successfully building a life without CSB. While it has its challenges, I have continued to move forward making progress towards my goal.
Feel comforted that I have made the commitment to become active in SAA, a 12-step program that has allowed me to discuss my CSB challenges with others in the same situation.
Rejoice that the last time I officially PMO’ed; (masturbated to the point of orgasm while viewing porn), was September of 2020.
Rejoice that the last time I visited an adult book store and engaged in illicit behavior with a stranger occurred in March of 2018.
Humbly acknowledge that my visit to Planned Parenthood, while extremely embarrassing, was in the end, enlightening and joyful. The STI testing was negative.

.

How will I plan to eliminated CSB?

Pledge to guide myself through this life process, dedicating to love myself, adopting a gentle response introspection to challenges, and a positive reaction to success.
Accept that eliminating CSB is a life-long process.
Address my ability to govern future behavior and reduce the situations that put me at risk. While the problem may or may not have been the result of early childhood trauma, I now have the control to move my life forward.
Acknowledge the acronym HALT; Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and Tiredness, realizing these emotions can be a trigger for CSB.
Eliminate the act of searching or viewing any questionable sexual material, however minor, regardless of click bait, thought, or desire.
Eliminated the habit of listening to erotic pod casts. They do not help.
Acknowledge that masturbation, in moderation, without fantasy doesn’t constitute a slip. For some, it can be a healthy alternative to CSB. However, moderation does not mean every day.
Pledge to guide myself through this life process, dedicated to love myself, and adopting a gentle response introspection to challenges, as well as a positive reaction to success.

And I'm doing it!

I want to say thanks to all who have come before me and thought who will be here in the future. It is a process, to be sure, but well worth it if you keep trying. I also want to say that even if you are making progress, it may not feel like it. The levels of items or activities that need to be resisted may feeling that they are minute or consequential, but they are not. It is the fine tuning of a process you are experiencing.

Peace

Gracie · « **Reply #862 on:** January 30, 2021, 09:18:28 PM »

Bob,
Great news indeed! It is so good to read about your forward steps, and they are giant ones! I miss that we do not have many partners on this site. I also miss the PAs that we could talk to as SOs. You are on the right path!

bob · « **Reply #863 on:** February 01, 2021, 11:30:29 AM »

Thank you Gracie, That means a lot.

It hasn't always been smooth. My guard has had to continually adjust as I progress. And the success doesn't feel particularly successful. The challenges get smaller and smaller. At the same time, each occurrence seem more easily justified . After all, what's the big deal. It's only click bait. It's only a short video of an attractive woman. She's wearing a tight top? Oh, and she's jumping up and down? Well its only...

No! The triggers may seem insignificant but the mind's goal is just the same. Free you from the "pain" you think you are feeling. Just this once, and maybe the feeling will go away? And you want to take a peek ever so badly.

Don't do it. Not even once. And, if you do look, stop yourself and back away. ASAP!

I grew up in the North. We had plenty of snow. Now living in a more southern climate, I could never understand when people were afraid of the snow. You just walk slower, more carefully. You can still move about. You just have to be careful. Your not going to fall if you proceed slowly.

THEN THERE IS ICE!

"OK," I said; "I'll be careful. I'll just walk slowly."

No such luck. I was on my butt before I realized I was going to slip. If you allow your mind to process the content that "feeds" Compulsive Sexual Behavior (CSB), you will slip. If you take "look just a little bit," you will loose ground. You may not relapse completely but you will loose ground. Those quick looks need to be eliminated. And you have to realize, there is little reward in that small success on passing on the click bait. To not look does not feel like a reward of success. Its like the itch of a mosquito or that of poison ivy. There is no immediate reward for resisting to scratch. You still want to scratch. It happens to be the only way through to the other side.

Set your mind on the goal you want to accomplish. Be proud of your progress. And, if you slip; don't chastise yourself, even a little. Just STOP!.

For me it has been the only way. It continues to be the only way as the images/content that draws me in are everywhere. I'm not perfect. It's hard. I still feel the pull. And I continue to look for ways to move forward. It is the only way for me.

Peace

workinprogressUK · « **Reply #864 on:** February 02, 2021, 08:48:43 AM »

It's a real pleasure to read your update and know that, even though it remains challenging to stay clean, you've taken control, set a plan and you're being accountable. You've always been a real help for me in the past, Bob, and I'm just super-happy that you've made so much progress. Peace to you too

hopeful · « **Reply #865 on:** February 07, 2021, 01:03:46 PM »

hello Bob, it's nice to hear from you again. Been away for quite a while now, cause everything was going well for me and my family. Sadly , sinds yesterday, it came to a hold, were my wife told me she noticed some changes in my behaviour, and towards my family.She was very worried and at the same time very sad. Said I was Distracted and occupied.The same behaviour I displayed during my porn addiction. Like millions, I use Facebook on a regular bases, and for about six months, I began watching video's in the "watch" column. Some video's caught my attention, and triggered me in a way, so I began to look for more . Although I didn't act out , I let myself go in keeping on looking for more of the same content. My wife knew exactly what I was watching, and it shocked her. Not about the content of the video's I was watching, but the fact that I was doing it. I managed to keep away from porn for such a long time , and still can manage. This trigger kicked me in the butt. It's wrong and unfair to my wife who has been so supportive and patient. Right now I feel ashamed and angry. I let my guard down and got careless. This trigger could have gotten me a relapse . Like you said, keeping alert on those things is a lifetime commitment. thanks for sharing Bob.

bob · « **Reply #866 on:** February 10, 2021, 07:22:28 AM »

Hopeful,

Please say hi to your wife! It has been a long time. I have thought about you folks often throughout this challenge.

I completely understand your frustration regarding the p-subs (Facebook, watch list). I was just about to google beautiful women before I thought about checking this site. Nothing wrong with beautiful women but the "vision" is the beginning of the decline. It builds no strength. It doesn't support a productive life. It may not be any big deal but its not a good choice.

But please resist the shame and anger. I know its hard but its also counter productive.

Quote from: bob on January 30, 2021, 06:32:12 PM

Pledge to guide myself through this life process, dedicated to love myself, and adopting a gentle response introspection to challenges, as well as a positive reaction to success.[/li][/list]

Keep moving forward in living, loving, and caring for yourself, you wife, and others.

Peace,

Bob

Gracie · « **Reply #867 on:** February 10, 2021, 02:00:38 PM »

Bob,

So that is where wives and partners feel less and less. The fact that our partners search for “beautiful women”. We ask ourselves, was there a time I was beautiful? That I was his “it girl”? Or was it all a lie? If I was beautiful, when did it stop? Is it because I aged? Is it because I have lived life? What caused the search? When did I become not enough?

He changed through the years. I don’t go on these searches. I thought we would grow old side by side.

Just throwing thoughts out there for men to know how “the love of their life” may feel. And questions that can run like water through our brain.

bob · « **Reply #868 on:** February 11, 2021, 06:15:06 PM »

Your right...

Gracie · « **Reply #869 on:** February 12, 2021, 06:28:04 AM »

Bob, you have been here a long time going through this and helping others. I felt I could post those questions. My purpose is not to freeze your thread. But for every PA that has a partner, these are the thoughts and questions that go through our head as a partner. Are we somehow, supposed to retain, by magic, our 19 year old appearance? I do not look my age, but I sure as heck do not look even close to 19. I probably look 20 years younger than my age. Is appearance all that matters? If so for the men here, look in the mirror, have you changed?

When you talk about the sex being different. Do you have fun sex anymore? Or do you have a routine? Do you have time for laughter? Giggling even. Compliments? I love your? Valentines Day is this weekend, jump off the cliff, switch it up. Make us feel 19!

joepanic · « **Reply #870 on:** February 12, 2021, 07:58:41 AM »

Hey Bob and Gracie

I have been following this thread with a bit of interest. I would just like to say not all of us are looking to replace our aging wives with what some consider the "perfect young model" . Quite frankly all the way through the last 30 plus years of this I found myself looking at usually older women with figures pretty much like my own wife. All at the same time I never stopped looking at her.

Post often it helps me it helps you

Gracie · « **Reply #871 on:** February 13, 2021, 05:27:11 AM »

Joe,
As we have said before, you have your opinion your wife has not been harmed by your use of porn. And that is great! However having messaged and observed the partners of addicts and being a partner myself, what I posted is the overwhelmingly common reactions of partners and indeed questions they have. Read up on Betrayal Trauma it is real. A great many men here over the years I have been on here have reached out to me to help understand their wife’s distress. I am happy for you and your success. But the majority do not have the experience you have had.