Porn free for 2 years after 30 years

[Phil JR]

Typical story, exposed young, teen years spent masterbating then full blown daily use into my 40s.  At my worst I was edging up to ten hours a day.  Yes 10 hours.  Had a shift where I had a lot of time off.  So I spent it masterbating.   I led two lives.   One a allegedly responsible husband and father.   The other a kid that never grew up and stayed naked all day jerking off.   One had no awareness of the other.   Once the adult Me realized, I had a breakdown.  Had no idea I had been acting out the same way for 30 years.    It was like my teenage self took over whenever I was alone.   

I confessed everything to my wife.   She broke down in tears and stayed with me.  Once I had woke up I realized how bad this addiction got.   I had forgot about my wife is so many ways.   Neglected my sons.   Lost interest in my hobbies.   And basically lived a lie.   

Coming to grips with the severity of it put me into emotional hell.  I still question who I really am and have intrusive voices daily.  The porn recall has receded but it’s a constant fight to stay aware.   I feel like I was never a real person, just faking my way to get home to jerk off.  I know that’s a lie but when it’s been so long you forget who your true self is.

I never thought I’d be in this place.   Recovery is hard.   My mind wants to do it all on one day.   2 years in I’m still hurting with shame.    The days I feel great remind me of when I was addicted and scare me.   

I never suffered from pied but now I have PE.   From the porn that I’m now aware of. 

I have no desire to go back because I’m come too far and never want to go thru that again.   

[Bilbo Baggins]

Wow, what a story. I don’t have any answer for you, but hats off, 2 years is amazing. Not having PIED is a good think, but PE must really suck.

Keep it up. Things get better with time. We just need to process all the different issues we’re facing. It takes time, but you’ll get there.

[Marco60]

Your story is not only a proof of courage, but also en example for all of us here, Phil. You should look forward, forget about the ruins you left behind yourself. Future is much more important: the PE is certainly a little problem, probably a consequence of your anxiety about the past. Please, keep on the right path!