Author Topic: Want a better life.  (Read 1869 times)

davideyar

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Want a better life.
« on: October 08, 2020, 07:42:48 AM »
Update (11/02/20)
Before you read this whole thread or even this opening post, I want to clarify that my views of reboot and the whole idea of NoFap/NoPMO/SR have changed drastically as I've progressed through this journey. I've learned since that is this not just about fixing sexual machinations and sexual dysfunctions for me. It's also about fixing other aspects of my life too that I've ignored through PMO.

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[posted on 10/08/20]
I'm mainly doing this to cure PIED. Plain and simple.

I don't really have any other serious problems in my life. I generally live a healthy lifestyle. I exercise and watch my diet as much as I can and I don't have a lot of social anxiety. The only thing I would say I struggle with is which career path to take but I am slowly figuring that out.

Now onto the problem: I am 22 years old and have been PMOing for about 12 years now. As far as I know, I didn't miss a day except during family vacations and outing with friends and maybe some other days where I just was tired to do it but for the most part, I knew I PMOed a lot.

As a result, I've never really had any desire to date probably because of a combination of various reasons: low sex drive due to PMOing everyday and not being the best looking physically due to really bad acne. Thankfully, as I graduated uni the severe acne problems came to an end. I started looking better and slowly started having confidence with my looks. I also started exercising and working out. Thank God, the ugly duckling phase was over.  ;D

With all that, I started dating. Just a reminder, I was still a virgin at this point. The only experience I have was porn if you can even count that as experience.  ;D

The first time was alright. I was rock hard probably because of these three things: I was tipsy, it was my first time, and we had the "thrill" and unexpected factor in a way that we were with two other people in the same room. We were all in a friends' outing. However, that also meant there was no penetration that happened. Still, the hj and bj were the best.

That experience really had me horny for the next few days and had me craving for more. Since I couldn't have any, I started to PMO excessively as a result. After a week, I found someone who wanted to give me a head. No penetration? I still went anyway. It's still free head and I'm gonna have my shot at penetration soon enough anyway. I still PMOed because I thought it was okay but when came the time, I wasn't as hard like my first time. I was very horny but my thing wasn't. Managed to stay 70% hard and managed to O but I had to do it myself. Regardless, I just thought maybe I didn't like this person and we were sexually compatible.

The third time was when I had a shot at penetration. I was very excited to finally experience it. I was expecting I would PE but during the bj part, I couldn't even be at 100% erection. I was around 60%. This person told me they wanted to get penetrated now and so I did but as I was putting the condom on, I was starting to lose erection and when I was trying to put in, I lose it all the way. It was so embarrassing. We both agreed that it was probably just nerves and performance anxiety since it was also my first time penetrating. But I wasn't really convinced since I wasn't at all nervous. When we met, of course I was but as we did foreplay and bj, I was fine. I only really started getting stressed when I couldn't get it up. Just why?

This led to a few more instances like these. It was so embarrassing! I knew that if I couldn't get fully hard during the bj part, I know 100% I wont penetrate. That turned being true most of the time. I would always being semi-hard during the whole thing but that was about it. I would manage to O but only if I did it myself.

That was when I really started looking things up as to why this was happening. I already knew what NoFap and No Nut Novemeber were two years prior but I had very limited understanding of it. I thought it was simply literally not fapping and that you can still watch porn and you could nut after the month. I attempted it and failed on the fifth day. At that time, I thought people were crazy when they were saying that you should not be PMOing to begin with. Boy, I wish I had look at it more and listen to what they had to say.

I did however fell for the sUpeRpoWeR benefits that people have been endorsing. I tried not fapping (but still watching porn) on and off to see if it was true but figured that it was really mainly bull hahaha. I wished I paid more attention to the science behind it and how porn affects our brains more.

Going back to the story, I was looking up for answers about why I couldn't get fully hard when I encountered PIED and finally knew what it was. I had been hearing of that term even before but as I said, I didn't really look into NoFap that seriously except for the sUperPowEr benefits. Once I figured out what PIED meant, I already knew that that was my problem: Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction. This happened this year last month.

I managed to do 6 days a hardmode/noPMO for the last week of September and relapsed after.

Now, I'm on my second streak with 8 days of noPMO.

Day 8
10/08/20

-I would occasionally have morning woods here and there but after peeing, it would be gone. It's crazy to think that I never really had consistent morning woods ever since maybe first year uni! It's not fully hard but it's a good start.

-Earlier when I had a shower, I decided to do some manscaping since my forest was too bushy for my liking. I was careful not to touch it too much and just let the razor do its thing and to do it as fast as I could but wow, even the slightest movements made it almost semi-hard with no porn at all or imagination of any kind. I was just shaving for Pete's sake! Thankfully, I got it done right away and let the cold water do its job.

I know that a lot of people would say to not count the days and just focus on other things but I already am focusing on other things. I already exercise and draw as a hobby. My biggest concern really is just getting rid of this PIED haha

But if there are other benefits I picked up along the way, I would gladly let you know. :)

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tldr; Discovered I had PIED when I couldn't get hard to penetrate but would always get fully hard to porn. Decided to quit.
« Last Edit: November 02, 2020, 06:13:28 AM by davideyar »

davideyar

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Re: Want PIED cured. Excited to see other "benefits" along the way
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2020, 11:10:30 PM »
Day 9
10/09/20

I'm happy to say that I've broken my longest streak ever at least based on my journal. I'm sure I've gone 10-12 days back then before I didn't record/tracked my days yet but on my record I had on my bullet journal, it said eigth days was my longest.

Anyhow, I've been doing great! Not too many urges and cravings that I can handle. Although occasionally throughout the day, my head would start pounding like crazy. What do you think is that? Is that withdrawal symptoms? Or flatline symptoms?

I'm pretty sure it's withdrawal because headaches are common withdrawal symptoms. But it could also be a flatline because I have been slacking lately with my art. I'm way behind InkTober and I just don't have the desire to keep it up. I'm also on YouTube throughout the way so I'm not sure. Maybe it's a flatline? I don't hear flatlines appearing on the first weeks though hahaha

Also, I get erections a lot easily whenever my bladder is full and I want to pee but once I pee, it slowly goes down. Is that normal? That is also the case with my morning wood. Once I pee, it goes Way slowly. It's not full erection though. Maybe 40-60%.

Anyways, good luck to all of us! Imma try to catch up with my InkTober drawings now.
« Last Edit: November 02, 2020, 06:14:29 AM by davideyar »

davideyar

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Re: Want PIED cured. Excited to see other "benefits" along the way
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2020, 01:00:39 AM »
Day 11
10/11/20

Slowly picking up from where things left off from the first few days of October. The last five days have been really lazy and lethargic periods for me which might be associated with some sort of withdrawal symptoms.

Other than, I've been doing fine with the urges. Occasionally, I would have some porn flashbacks here and there. Thankfully, I manage to stave them off with a few deep breaths and by doing other things.

My libido is still quite low. I don't have any inkling of a sex drive right now which helps with fighting the urges, I guess. We wired PMO so much in our lives that even we our d's are not hard, we think we should masturbate and orgasm because we think we are horny. I think it's important to realize that sometimes our brain are tricking us. Ultimately, we should listen to our body (our d's) more. If it's not hard and we think we are horny, the brain is just tricking us into going back to that habit.

Cheers to us all!
« Last Edit: November 02, 2020, 06:15:01 AM by davideyar »

Luchness

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Re: Want PIED cured. Excited to see other "benefits" along the way
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2020, 04:00:09 AM »
Hey man,

Good on you for trying to do something about your addiction and PIED. I'm in the same boat, just started, day 7 here. I'm experincing alot of the same symptoms you are. Headaches, brainfog, i also have concentration issues, but my motivation for study and so on i still great.

I don't the answers for most of the questions since i'm still new as well.. I do "know" (i think i remember it was said in 8/9th grade, in bioloy) that when the bladder is full, it pushes some of your d-mechanisms which lead to small erections and so on, and the erections goes away, once you take a piss.

Anyway, take care man! Keep going! :D

davideyar

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Re: Want PIED cured. Excited to see other "benefits" along the way
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2020, 07:07:43 AM »
Hey man! Thanks!

The concentration issue is really the only thing that's pressing as of the moment but we must keep on keeping on, I guess. Goodluck to us brother!

davideyar

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Re: Want PIED cured. Excited to see other "benefits" along the way
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2020, 08:52:18 AM »
Day 12
10/12/20

Hey all. I had some urges right after I woke up to MO. I suppose that's better than PMO but still, I want to do hardmode for 90days at least and it's generally not a good idea to test this early. This is my longest streak thus far but I won't be overconfident.

I've been really struggling a lot with getting things done due to concentration problems especially work that requires mental energy and brain power. Still some withdrawal symptoms, I guess. So what I did was do some physical work around the house instead. I've still been on the internet most of the day but not as much as yesterday thankfully.

We welcome the progress. We always, always have to find ways to be productive instead of sitting and lying in bed all day even if they're super tiny steps. Small progress is still progress!

I think staying up late also doesn't help with the concentration problems so tonight, I'm gonna sleep by 11pm and reduce the phone usage tomorrow.

Good luck to all of us! I've also decided on a catchphrase that I will start to use by the end of each post and this is what I came up with: remember to always MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES.
« Last Edit: November 02, 2020, 06:29:25 AM by davideyar »

davideyar

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Re: Want PIED cured. Excited to see other "benefits" along the way
« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2020, 08:53:00 AM »
Day 13
10/13/20

I have been feeling an unbelievable amount of lethargy today. I still can't concentrate on stuff that requires mental energy and cognitive power which is why I've been doing more physical work outside the house helping my family with their needs. In a way, it feels good to help other people with their stuff but not being able to work on your own stuff even for just a few hours is driving me insane.

I feel like this journey had made me realize a lot of things and it has started to show the problems that I've put aside now that the porn fog is clearing up. It's so apparent even early in this journey that I avoided a lot problems instead of tackling them head on and growing from it. PMO has such a good job at hiding the problems for you. Even to the point that you think that you don't have a problem.

In this post, I'm going to tell you about one problem that has appeared in view.

Accountability and responsibility has been something that I have became good at. . . avoiding. For the past few years, I've grown so selfish that I only think about myself and totally put my relationships aside. I would do things for other people but in a way that as if doing them would be the end of the world. I've gotten so lazy is the point and it has affected my relationship with my family. I don't want that! I want to be happy with my family.

Jordan Peterson said: "The higher degree of responsibility that you agree voluntarily to try to bear, the richer your life will be."

This is exactly what I need. I have been so stuck with this kind of life and I'm sick of it. I want to be better. I want to better my circumstances. I haven't looked for a job in almost three years and I know that having one will better my situation in folds! For now, I would start with my mending my relationship with my family given the covid-19 situation. I have been looking online for opportunities and have very little success but fight on!

Regardless, I am taking a proactive approach from here on out. Instead of avoiding responsibilities and saying "why me?", I'm going to say "Why not me?"

That's it for today. Good luck to all of us in this endeavor and always remember always try to MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES!
« Last Edit: November 02, 2020, 06:29:04 AM by davideyar »

davideyar

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Re: Want PIED cured. Excited to see other "benefits" along the way
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2020, 10:34:13 AM »
Day 14
10/14/20

I know that as I started this journey I said I only wanted to this to cure my sexual dysfunctions and my PIED but almost 15 days in and I'm realizing that it is more than just that. I've fooled myself into thinking that my PIED and sexual dysfunctions were my only problem when in fact they're just the tip of the iceberg and the fog that is covering a messy landscape.

Abstinence alone from PMO will not help solve all your problems. PMO is just that fog covering the landscape and now that you're seeing just how grassy and full of weeds your landscape has become, now it's time to act and remove them. Others can be yanked off the ground quite easily or quite difficulty depending on how the deep the roots have gone. Suffice to say, our problems have varying difficulty depending on how far we have left it unsolved.

One such deep rooted problem for me is my relationship with my parents. I don't ever recall it being so bad like this but once again, I underestimated how much porn has helped me escaped from this problem. I once read before that you teach others how to treat you and how they treat you is how you treat yourself and my mother would handle me in an angry manner. Whenever I ask for help or question from her, she would almost get mad at me for not knowing how to handle things and asking such simple questions.

I probably do the same for her. Sometimes, I can be unnecessarily mean and I redirect my anger to people around me. Looking back, I viewed her questions as a way to offend me and question my life decisions but now I realize that she's only asking because she cares about me. I would always respond passive-aggressively and that is my mistake. I've trained her with such response and now when I ask her questions, she uses that same response to me.

I am now starting to change that. I've started to be more aware of how I respond to her and changing how I generally do it for the better. I am now patient when she asks for help and more kinder when she asks questions. She would still respond aggressively most of the time but I suppose that is understandable. Hopefully as I change the way I communicate with her, she sees this either unconsciously or consciously.

Of course, that is just one of the many things I can do for her. Compared to what she has sacrificed for us throughout the years and still continues to do now to us and some of her grandchildren, this is nothing. I love my mom and I want her to feel that since I'm not really that good at articulating my feelings. I beat around the bush so much, too.

But going forward, my goals have changed or should I say add to them. I'd like to list them here:

1. Mend my relationship especially with the people I love
2. Figure out a daily schedule that includes work, art, helping my family, exercise, and leisure

Today, I've finally gotten some work done albeit a small quantity. I've also finally draw a full piece for inktober. Small progress is still progress.
3. Get rid of this PIED and other sexual dysfunctions
This is probably the easiest to achieve at this point in time. There have been a lot of instances when I was showering where the slightest of touch caused a bit of excitement down there. It's still not fully raging but compared to the last month where masturbating alone could not get it hard fast, this was better. I am still not fully recovered though. Still no consistent and hard morning woods and neither spontaneous boners. I am not going to be overconfident though. With how things are, our addiction are only at a fingertips reach.

Thank you again if you're reading! It's always nice to get your thoughts out there rather than keeping them in your awareness all the time.

REMEMBER TO ALWAYS MAKE GOOD CHOICES!
« Last Edit: November 02, 2020, 06:28:30 AM by davideyar »

davideyar

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2020, 01:02:48 PM »
Day 16
10/16/20

Happy Birthday to me! My birthday wish is for everyone of us to have good health and hoping that this virus would be gone from existence.

One of the bigger reason why I started doing this during this particular time is because October is my birth month. We all want our birth month to be our best month of the year right? The biggest reason of course, being that I want a better life. I know I said in the beginning that I'm only doing this to cure my PIED but as I ask myself as to why I really want to this, it became more and more apparent that I want to have a better life. My life sucks right now and I know it could be better rather than staying in my room all the fucking time. It just so happened that when I decided to finally do it for real, my birth month was around the corner. It definitely gave me a boost in motivation and so I started right as October came.

It's early morning on my side of the world. I guess I couldn't sleep of excitement or in anticipation for my birthday. I decided to come here to write because I may have "lapsed" just a little. No, I didn't MO but I kinda did P. I say "kinda" because it was a picture and not a video.

I was on my phone when a message popped up from messenger. It was from a former hook-up buddy turned friend. *GAY ALERT* I am gay (I tried not mentioning it in my earlier posts bc I didn't want to make people uncomfortable but fck it. If you're homophobic, then don't read.) and in case you didn't know already, hook-ups are very common in the gay dating scene. He was asking if I could answer something for his investigative essay for one of his class. I don't know, but for whatever reason, I decided to view our shared photos. I saw nudes that we exchanged to each other. It was like a mindless action or an autopilot, like my brain decided to do it without telling me.

Personally, I wasn't aroused and didn't linger too long. It didn't affect me but maybe that's because my libido has gradually dipped throughout this journey. I wasn't aroused in my mind and d*ck didn't get hard. Would you consider that a relapse? Should I reset my counter? I wanted to share because I want to be honest as much as possible.

P- 1 (kinda)
M- 0
O- 0

Anyways, even if we made bad choices today, WE WILL MAKE GOOD CHOICES TOMORROW! Good luck guys. I'm going to sleep, I think.

-mid-day update-

Birthdays as you age starts losing their magic. Today is not different. It feels like just another day. I wanna come here real quick to share some feelings that gives me discomfort.

My mom and I's birthday are only two days apart. She's going to have her birthday on Sunday. Now, I've always felt not special because of this especially as I was growing up older. Of course when I was a kid, I'd be the center of attention but as I said, growing older all the focus and attention went to mom. All the gifts went to her. All the money went to her. A few years back, I've always felt unspecial and unimportant as a result but as I accepted and understood that my family will always value her more than me, I was okay with it. She is our mother after all. I am important to my family but my mother will always be more important than me but I understood that. That's just the way it is.

Now for some reason today. I was having mixed feelings when my brother came home. He bought a box of cake and some other foods to go along with it and naturally, I was happy that they remember. However, it bothered me when they told me that it wasn't my name that was written on the cake but my mom's.

I know that it's probably so shallow and trivial to be upset about something like this. I KNOW I shouldn't be upset because it's just cake and I know that mom's more important but I couldn't control my feelings. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do.

sigh Looking at it from an outside perspective if you will, I guess I got excited that they thought of me, ONLY ME for once but that all went down the drain when they said it was mom's cake.

Writing about it makes me feel better though. Now that I shared about it, it's not such a big deal! I'm going to right again tonight after the mini celebration. Always remember, ASSESSING AND SHARING YOUR FEELINGS IS A GOOD CHOICE!!

-night of day 16 update-

Today was my birthday so I decided that as a gift for myself, I would watch porn and masturbate. . . just kidding.  ;D ;D

Earlier, I complained about feeling upset about my family not valuing me as much but as I'm writing this and reading that previous update, I cringe. Our emotions has an amazing way of carrying us away and making us overthink too much.

I sounded like a whiny and ungrateful ass btch. *cringe* There are probably children out there who don't celebrate their birthday even if their family want to. Here I am, an adult!! complaining about having the wrong name on a cake when I should be grateful that my family even bought and thought to celebrate my birthday.

I kept this in mind as we were eating for dinner. I realize that I didn't like the attention after all. I can be so awkward even in front of my family and I find saying thank you so hard. I guess that's just one of the things I can add to things to improve on.

Anywho, happy 23rd birthday to me! BEING GRATEFUL IS A GOOD CHOICE!
« Last Edit: November 02, 2020, 06:20:08 AM by davideyar »

davideyar

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2020, 09:12:29 AM »
Day 17
10/17/20

So today was the aftermath after my birthday. I woke up really late which always takes away majority of the day away from me. I should definitely get rid of this habit. I did however had one spontaneous erection that lasted for a few minutes.

Also, I kinda relapsed again today on YouTube. Didn't MO but for some reason my mind just started watching videos of shirtless guys on YouTube. sigh Thankfully, I stopped watching after two videos.

Now that I stopped watching hardcore porn, my brain has started looking for porn fixes in some other way like those YouTube videos. It's not hardcore porn but definitely still similar in a way. Let's refer to them as soft porn or porn-lite. I've read somewhere that addiction is like a game of whack-a-mole. Once you hit one addiction down and hard, it will pop up into another form and in my case, it transferred over to a YouTube and overall internet addiction.

The countless searching for videos one after the other and seeing a video you like and relegating that to Watch Later is all too familiar. It's similar with opening tabs of different porn videos that you discover as you scroll down looking for that perfect video to get off to. YouTube and most of these porn websites operate on the same way!

My goal is to first reduce my time on YouTube. Tomorrow, I will strive to watch only three hours, watch videos only from people I've subscribed to, evaluate content creators that I subscribed to and unsubscribed from ones that I don't really like or watch anymore.

I don't believe YouTube is something bad that I should get rid of. It's really my only form of entertainment. However, it should be consumed of course, in moderation. If its usage becomes excessive, it becomes an addiction of its own because its taking away precious time!

Porn-lite/softporn counter - 2

EXCESSIVE INDULGENCE OF ENTERTAINMENT IS NOT A GOOD CHOICE TO MAKE.
« Last Edit: November 02, 2020, 06:16:45 AM by davideyar »

laneboy

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #10 on: October 17, 2020, 01:32:45 PM »
You did make a journey from day 8!
I understand what you mean with youtube, I did it with Instagram: I unfollowed a lot of profiles which I began following in the years because of their soft porn content.
I think you should not delete youtube from your life, just be careful.

davideyar

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #11 on: October 18, 2020, 08:45:27 AM »
Thanks man! I definitely did realize that this journey is not all about undoing the effects of PMO to our sex life and sexual machinations like erection and orgasm but also undoing its effects to our life in general.

And yes, I'm being really careful with my YouTube usage. Today, I set aside only three hours haha

davideyar

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2020, 09:08:44 AM »
Day 18
10/18/20

I am going to divide my post into categories and goals in case you don't want to read everything I write because clearly I talk - write too much and don't know how to shut up  ;D

Social Skills

PMO does a good job at helping us hide our imperfections and downplaying the severity of our problems. When I was still PMOing, I've always knew that my social skills weren't the greatest but I didn't think they were that bad either. It's okay. But boy was I wrong! Know that I'm more aware due to the brain fog lifting little by little, I am realizing that my social skills suck.

I never thought it was this bad when I was still PMOing but I guess that's the addict in me trying to downplay things. My birthday last two days ago and my mom's birthday today made me realize how awkward, shy, rude, and unresponsive I can be with social gatherings like this even towards my family! It would be understandable if I was like that to total strangers but the fact that I act that way even to people I see everyday is telling of bad social skills.

The good thing I guess is at least I now know how truly bad things are. Awareness is the first step in solving a problem.

Sexual Machinations

I had the urge to MO earlier this morning but my dck wasn't hard. Sometimes our inner addict tries really hard to trick us into getting that orgasm fix. My past self would have done it even my dck wasn't hard at all. That goes to show that we have made a habit of PMO/MOing even if we aren't really that horny. Your mind thinks your horny but your dck says otherwise.

Anywho, what do you guys think of masturbation? And by that I mean ONLY masturbation without P. Do you think it's beneficial and okay to do after finishing the 90 day reboot?

The general consensus is you should not do it early on your journey. You should only do it only if you feel you're rebooted and rewired and that if you do, you should still do it in moderation.

Anywho, PORN AND SOFT PORN IS NOT A GOOD CHOICE TO MAKE.
« Last Edit: November 02, 2020, 06:27:10 AM by davideyar »

davideyar

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #13 on: October 21, 2020, 10:34:22 AM »
Day 21
10/21/2020

Sexual Machinations

Morning wood is starting to become a norm for me. In the last few mornings, I've had more morning wood than I have not. As to how hard they are? I don't really have any idea. I would guess around 60-70%. At this point, I've forgotten what my full erection looks like and how they feel.

Now that I look back, I feel like I was on the road to severe PIED and stopped myself just at the right time. Last year, I would achieve full erection to porn but as 2020 came, I felt something change and it was getting harder to achieve a full erection with porn. Maybe just around 80% at best. This was around February of this year and also the first time I limp-dicked a guy I hooked up with. I was already having trouble getting hard with the oral and when it came penetration time, I lost the already weak erection I had. It was embarrassing. I was so traumatized that for the next few hook-ups, I've only requested for oral sex for fear of not being able to penetrate. Even the oral sex weren't giving me hard erections.

That's when I found out about PIED. I've already known about NoFap two years before this but I've only heard about the benefits it can give your life as whole. I didn't care about how it can cure sexual dysfunctions because at the time, I felt like I didn't have any. Boy, was I wrong. Instead, I focused on the other supposed benefits like more motivation, more energy, more confidence, more creativity and never on the possibly curing of sexual dysfunctions like ED.

When I find out about ED, I was shook. It all made sense to me as to why I kept having weak erections with humans but not to porn when I was able to do just fine in the past. Turns out my porn usage was to blame. I was struggling last year with some other personal problems and I turned to porn for escape.

PORN IS NO LONGER A CHOICE WE WILL MAKE!

Social Skills

I would say that this probably the hardest aspect of this journey - being a better social person. It's a struggle trying to undo all of these habits and mannerisms that have solidified throughout the years. Things like interacting with family and asking them about things and keeping the conversation flowing naturally is something that I don't ever do. Of course I can talk to them but not really communicate with them. It always boggled me how most of my family members can communicate, joke, and laugh around each other while on the other hand,  I could not. I could not do it because I felt like I didn't have anything to talk to them about and it would always annoy me when they would joke around. I couldn't handle the least bit of teasing and I was too sensitive and this all started around my teenage years.

Now I realize that that's only because I chose to isolate myself in my room and turned to my addictions instead of actually socializing and being involved. I escaped into the internet when I felt like they were making fun of me when they were probably just teasing around. Of course they would say mean things every now and again and it would really offend me but running instead of discussing it with them didn't really help. I also failed to realize that sometimes that's just how socializing goes. You butt heads with people but at the end of the day, you should talk to each other about those differences especially when they're your family. In that way, they would know how you feel when they tease you about something and so that would prompt them to watch those words and consider your feelings and not say those words again.

When everybody else is out on the living room playing and talking to each other on holidays, I would be in my room indulging with screens just because I'm always afraid of being teased and would not have the balls for confrontation if they ever happened. I would only come out of my room when it was time to eat or when I feel like using the bathroom.

It's crazy how much real human connection our addiction (porn, sub-porn, or internet) can take away from us if we let it get out of hand. Now I know that I used the internet as a form of escapism to avoid confrontations and instead bottling up my feelings.

NOT SOCIALIZING IS A BAD CHOICE.
« Last Edit: November 02, 2020, 06:26:07 AM by davideyar »

laneboy

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #14 on: October 22, 2020, 03:03:51 AM »
Hey!
Yes, changing habits it's very difficult, it's a fact. And scientificcally there are two effective ways to change habits: changing everything, or changing bit by bit. The first method it's the hardest, and it usually only work if the change is imposed by circumstances. I think that you shoul focus in changing only step by step.
You have decided to quit porn and that alone is a big change. I think you should first focus on that, do whatever you want to do except looking for pornographic contents.
Don't be too hard on yourself if you cannot stick to a rigid routine, or if you can't really communicate with your family, let yourself be at ease.
Do what you like, be productive, get some satisfactions every day: if you feel like you dont want to wake up from the bed and you can't do nothing all day, don't force yourself, for example, in making a full drawin in a day, just begin the drawing and call it a succes. Indeed, it was.
Remember: you want to quit porn and build new habits to find yourself, it should be done slowly and every day you don't relapse is a victory: no matter how shitty was that day.
Forcing too much on yourself and judging yourself too harsh is the best way to be stressed, and so to begin a path that will only lead to a relapse.
I hope I was clear: I am not telling you you shuod be lazy, I'm telling you to enjoy your small victories, be at ease.
Step by step you will build new habits, steb by step start enjoing time with the ones you love, and let yourself open to them. a little everytime: you will find a way to reconnect with the ones you love. It's not me saying this, it's psychology!
Go on and change yourself, 1% every week.

davideyar

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2020, 09:57:41 AM »
Sometimes, I can be too harsh to myself haha. I'm learning through this journey that not every day needs to be perfect and it won't ever be perfect no matter what I do. The most important thing is that we're trying and improving even if it's only 0.00001% every day. Thanks for the reminder to take things one step at a time. :)

davideyar

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #16 on: October 23, 2020, 07:05:41 AM »
Day 23
10/23/20

Social Skills

I went out today on public for the first time this month. I've noticed that I wasn't too bothered in public transport. Normally, I would feel anxious because I feel people are looking at me and judging me but that feeling wasn't present today. I was just doing my thing waiting to get to my destination.

I also noticed how I didn't have a problem looking at people eye-to-eye. I don't know how that's possible but pre-nofap, I never liked looking at people just in general. I get intimidated especially when I'm forced to look at people especially attractive ones but now, I don't mind. I would feel self-conscious af when meeting eye contact with them before but today was different.

Maybe it's because I'm not hiding something. Maybe it's because I don't have something disgusting to hide anymore. I feared looking eye-to-eye with people before because I felt that they would see those deepest and disgusting secrets. The eye is the window to the soul after. Now, I love looking people in the eye now because it's satisfying for some reason. I guess for so long, all I've ever look at is a screen and its refreshing to look at peoples' eye.

Sexual Machinations

I've had morning wood today that lasted even when I urinated. It was about 70% hard. I also notice that my dck is clearing up if that makes sense. It starts looking good and lighter. When I was a teenager, after orgasm, I wouldn't even wipe the jizz off. I just let it stay in my junk, pulled up my underwear and sleep. I would just wash it in the morning while showering.  ;D Disgusting I know, but that's how lazy I was.

I later found out that doing so (not cleaning cum off your dck) can darken it lol.

The erections even not at full are also firmer and more solid.

Physical Appearance

Lastly, I'd like to update on my skin today. All my life, I've always had skin. Most of my school life, I've had acne. Severe acne during high school which is why I was never confident in the first place to date and explore sex which is probably one of the reasons I turned to porn. This skin situation is genetics. Even my siblings had trouble dealing with it.

With that being said, I tried every product I could get my hands on. They worked to an extent and I finally achieve clearer skin. Most of my acne are gone except I always get breakouts around my chin area. That was my only problem alongside scarring that I couldn't do anything to and some stubborn acne here and there that refuse to go away.

Once I started NoFap, it seems like those problems started going away. I noticed that I stopped getting breakouts in my chin area and the stubborn acne are fading away slowly. Obviously, it's still not perfect but it's better than it used to be. I also noticed a glow that I normally don't have. Usually my skin looked tired but eversince nofap, it started glowing.

Anywho, this is a long post again. Keep fighting brothers!

Remember that PMO IS NO LONGER A CHOICE WERE MAKING FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!

k-fff

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #17 on: October 23, 2020, 07:09:09 AM »
Are you doing hardmode or are you allowing O's with a partner?

davideyar

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #18 on: October 23, 2020, 11:33:51 PM »
I am doing hardmode brother.

davideyar

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #19 on: October 24, 2020, 08:04:04 AM »
Day 24
10/24/20

Life Lessons and Realizations

Even before I started this journey, I have this tendency of being so hard on myself especially when I didn't achieve the things that I set out to do for the day. I would blame myself for failing and constantly reprimand myself for being lazy. I had this all-or-nothing thinking with everything which is a faulty thinking. If didn't achieve every goal I set out to do then for me, that means I failed even if I achieved some important ones. It was do-everything-perfect or not-do-them-at-all kind of thing which was horrible.

For so long, I've always viewed failures as setbacks when in reality they are actually progress. This type of thinking has made me miss a lot of opportunities because of my fear of failing. . . or to be more accurate, it held me back because of my faulty perception of failure. Failing is good because you know you're moving and progressing towards something. No human is perfect. No human is going to get it right away the first time unless of course you were born with the talent! Good for you, but for us average Joe's, we need to work hard and be patient with mastering some of these skills that we want to acquire. That's just the way things go when trying to master something especially in the beginning. The goal in the beginning is to fail as fast as you can and after that phase, you start getting things.

I've also learned the word progress and what it really meant. I'm slowly accepting that not every day and every thing has to be perfect and no matter what I do, it's never going to be perfect. What matters most at the end of the day is that we're moving towards our goals and being better as humans everyday even if it's one step at a time.

Lastly, being a PUSSY IS NOT A CHOICE WE'RE MAKING MOVING FORWARD.

Sexual Machinations

I've had morning wood today and I must say that they don't bother me as they used to when I first started using porn as a teen when I could still get morning wood and when my porn usage was moderate. Back then, I would feel the need to PMO to get rid of it as if I was going to die if I didn't do it. Now, I don't mind having it. I just let it be and it would calm itself down.

It's crazy that I'm only six days away from day 30. I'm excited but I'm not gonna be overconfident and take things one day at a time.

Good night brothers and remember PORN IS NO LONGER A CHOICE WE WILL MAKE IN OUR LIVES!

Chris Oz

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #20 on: October 24, 2020, 02:30:48 PM »
Hey David, I really love your story and the way you put your recovery in perspective. I'm also glad you've come this far. I'd be following you up from now on.

Wishing you success!

Keep pushing
Chris
My abstinence is 0+ days currently

davideyar

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #21 on: October 25, 2020, 08:51:17 AM »
Day 25
10/25/20

Hi Chris! Thanks for the encouragement and for reading my story.

Life Lessons and Realizations

So I started reading Gary Wilson's Your Brain On Porn five days ago and I'm taking notes. It definitely helps knowing what goes inside our brains when we indulge in too much porn. Understanding a little bit of the mechanism gives me hope that we can do this.

While I was out and about with the new knowledge from the book, I realize that I can change my brain - my habits, addiction, thoughts, and my thinking. . . but I can't change reality therefore the brain itself is not the problem. Running away from reality and using my PMO to do so is the problem. The brain is but a victim of my refusal to tackle my problems. By running away from the problems, I've created more problems for myself.

The true problem is running away and PMO is simply the car I've used to run from it.

RUNNING AWAY IS NOT A CHOICE WE'RE MAKING MOVING FORWARD!

Sexual Machinations

Today, I experienced the hardest morning wood I've had in years. It was facing 12 o'clock for the most part and it definitely gave me a hard time peeing lol. I even caught a glimpse of it in the mirror that I had no choice but to take some nudes. My body has also progressed a lot and my chest has gotten significantly bigger. I've being doing pushups wrong my entire life and now that I'm actually using my chest instead of my shoulders, I've had some gains in that area and I've always had abs to a certain degree depending on how good my diet is and I've been doing good with my diet since I started nofap. And also during mornings when the stomach is empty, the abs show up properly.

Oh my God. I blabber too much. What I'm trying to say is I felt sexy and I felt it was a waste not to take nudes. Looking this good is a very rare opportunity for me hence I took some nudes. HAHAHAHA

I've then sent the nudes to this guy who was my first time. This is also the first situation that made me realize that there might be something wrong with me. When I hooked up with him, he gave me head and it was my first full session of head and my first real sexual encounter. I've hard short sessions prior to this in college when I got drunk with some my friends but this was my first full blowjob experience. I am a very late bloomer and I've only really lost my virginity last year around October. Hahaha.

I was expecting to get very hard because it was my first time but no, I was only 60-70% hard. Initially I thought it might just be nerves or this guy wasn't good but that first sexual encounter made me disappointed with sex in general. I thought it would be better than that and I even thought jerking off to porn was better! I've also had a lot of questions like: People talk about sex all the time like its the most amazing thing but why was that experience underwhelming? Why wasn't I moaning like crazy? Why wasn't it like the ones I watched in porn? Is sex simply overhyped?

Turns out that I was a dumb idiot knowing what I know now lol.

I also thought that he might not just be my type but in reality, my PIED was on its early stages by then because the next hook ups have gotten progressively worse up to the point I discussed previously where I limp dcked someone. I don't know what I was thinking assuming that I can penetrate when my dck wasn't even hard enough for penetration lol. So embarrassing.

That's when I faced the reality that the problem was no longer because of anxiety or the people I've been hooking up that I wasn't getting hard. I know that the problem with this lackluster sex life has something to do with me. I was getting hard with porn all the time but why can't I get hard with real people? It was so frustrating. That's when I started thinking that it might be because of porn.

I did what most of us do when we have problems: google it. That's when I went back to NoFap. If you've read my previous posts, you would know that I already knew what NoFap since 2018. I knew about the benefits it can give you and that included improving your sex life and healing sexual dysfunctions (fetishes) and erectile dysfunctions (PE, DE, and PIED). I've heard of PE and DE before in my biology classes but PIED was something new to me.

Regardless, I didn't pay much attention to this specific benefit because I thought I was fine sexually and my junk was fine. I was also still a virgin here so I didn't think of having sex and facing issues like those. Furthermore, I was confident I would perform just fine anyway when I had my first sex. Jokes on me lol.

I wanted to do Nofap back then mainly because I was in uni. With all the schoolwork that needed to be done, I wanted the benefits of improved concentration and memory every guy on YouTube was talking about. But I couldn't do it back then and relapsed a lot and fell on and off the next two years until this year when I discovered that I needed to do this because I have to.

*sight* I am so sorry for going on a tangent. Going back to the point, that guy asked me if my dck got bigger because it looked like it did compared to when he last saw it. I just said it might just be the angle that's making it look bigger. . . but in reality it probably is bigger and harder when he last saw it because that erection was just topnotch.

Your boy's been naughty today. Thankfully, I didn't relapse.  ;D

Anywho, PMO IS NO LONGER A CHOICE WE'RE MAKING IN THE FUTURE FOR BETTER SEX AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, A BETTER LIFE.

davideyar

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #22 on: October 26, 2020, 10:15:31 AM »
Day 26
10/26/20

Recovery Process

During this period of recovery, I experienced this weird sensation of shaking around me. This has been happening for quite a while now and I thought it was some form of mini-earthquakes. I’ve even asked my family members if they felt it too but they always say they haven't. I sleep on the floor which is not uncommon in these parts of the world so I imagine that would be the reason why I’m more sensitive to feeling these shakes.

However last night, I found that it was actually my body that was shaking the whole time. I was probably too sleepy to recognize these previously but last night I wasn’t too sleepy and I realized that it was me.

As I said in the last post, I have been reading Gary Wilson’s Your Brain On Porn when I stumbled upon the lesser known withdrawal symptoms of recovery specifically frequent urination and shakes. I was definitely shook by that discovery because I thought I wasn’t having any other withdrawal symptoms aside from the lethargy and lack of motivation.

Anywho, I suggest reading YBOP. If you think you already know a lot about porn and its effects on you, then boy you’re probably wrong. Everyday that I’m reading, I’m learning a lot and I’m also taking notes which is why it’s taking me long to finish it.

PORN IS NOT A CHOICE WERE GOING TO MAKE EVER!

P.S It's so much harder typing on a phone! Had to type here because the website was down earlier.

P.P.S Shorter post because the last one was long af 🤣
« Last Edit: November 02, 2020, 06:21:56 AM by davideyar »

anubu0

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #23 on: October 26, 2020, 10:20:56 AM »
Day 26! Congrats. Your journal is very encouraging.

davideyar

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Re: Want a better life.
« Reply #24 on: October 27, 2020, 08:56:42 AM »
Day 27
10/27/20

Thanks anubu0!

Recovery Process

Today was a lazy day. It also felt like time was ticking so slow and I find that that's the case for me during this journey. Often times, I would fantasize about reaching 90 days and I'd wish I'm on 90 days right now but alas, we don't have the means to speed up time. I also know that this mindset is arrogant since I don't even know if I will reach 90 days. Relapse is always one click away. It's definitely a good idea to come back to earth because you will fall if you let it get to your head.

On another note, I don't really know if I'm (still) on a flatline or withdrawal or if I'm just plain lazy. Having given up PMO, the time I used to spend there seemed to transfer to a general internet addiction specifically YouTube. I try to offset that by reading success stories on YBOP and here in RN but still, I don't get a lot of my art done which is something I'd like to do more. I am so behind with InkTober at this point that I'm even questioning if I should finish them. *sigh*

I've been aiming to reduce my screen time from the usual 8 hours (according to my phone) to 6 hours. I know that that's really bad but I don't think I can go from 8 hours to 2 hours just like that. I find that when I'm trying to get rid of a habit, cold turkey-ing it or getting rid of it altogether doesn't work for me. I need to chip at it little by little the same way I did with PMO. Before having this really long streak, I've had several short streaks that helped me ease into this habit, or lifestyle rather.

Anywho, I'm still figuring out how to chip at this newly-fueled internet addiction and so far the strategy I've been employing is not working but I will keep at it. I'd like to hear from you if you have tips, but my updated goals are:
  • Reach 90 days of NoPMO.Continue with good habits like exercising, writing, reading, and going out of room.
  • Be more social and involved with my family.Spend more time with them when they're doing something or building something.
  • Do more art. Finish InkTober. Finally decorate your journal. Sketch daily. Incorporate reading more art books.
  • Reduce screen time. Ideally, I'd want to reduce that to just 3 hours but as I said I'm taking it slowly.
  • Explore online ventures and money making opportunities.Any suggestions guys? Hahaha

Anywho, RELAPSE IS NOT A CHOICE!


Sexual Machinations

By afternoon, I was so tired for some reason and I decided to take a 20-minute nap. Right as I woke up, I had a boner and I felt so horny that I started humping my pillow lol. Thankfully, it ended there. Looking back, that was the first time in a long time that I've ever felt horny like that where I was hard by myself with no porn and just wanted to fck someone. The last time was probably when I was still in college where I would feel like that all the time when my PMO usage was not as bad as the next few years. Ever since then, I can not remember ever feeling like that. I used porn to relieve that horniness but now it seems like porn took that away from me which is why

PORN IS NOT A CHOICE WE'RE GOING TO CHOOSE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES! GIVING UP PORN IS FOREVER!