Author Topic: I need out, I'm unfit!  (Read 2190 times)

jjacks

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #25 on: October 08, 2020, 06:04:25 AM »
Describe these triggers and then try to propose how you might eliminate them from your life. If you have to drive to them, the answer might not be that complex or difficult.

rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #26 on: October 08, 2020, 06:19:58 AM »
Describe these triggers and then try to propose how you might eliminate them from your life. If you have to drive to them, the answer might not be that complex or difficult.

You're right and it isn't. I've been trying to heal for so long that I know my triggers well and have developed routines for most of them. So I don't worry too much about that aspect. However, the one thing that bothers is my inability to concentrate, which of course I expect to happen in such a circumstances, but then I am supposed to be looking for work and I feel as though I live on a different planet.

I reckon it's too early for me to draw conclusions or anything, I intend to wait for the end of the week-end and see how things go. Today's my 8th successful day anyway. Aching but hopeful. Suffering trying to part with Hell is something I look forward to, at least for now. I understand lust can take a hold of me at any minute, although a perfectly healthy person (with no serious addiction) who's never even visited an erotic site in its entire life could get run over by a car anytime. So one has to have faith anyhow.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2020, 06:25:11 AM by rolandc244 »

workinprogressUK

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #27 on: October 08, 2020, 08:25:59 AM »
Hitting 8 days at noon (in four hours), it'll be easier tomorrow as I'm getting my car back. On the other end, that means driving up to more potential triggers. Let's see how I can find balance.

Loads of stuff on this one in lots of the relevant books. I just found this on a web search about SUD's - seemingly unimportant decisions. I used to drive certain routes to places, telling myself in my rational brain that they were the best route, but knowing deep down in my emotional brain that there was an increased possibility of a buzz by taking route A over route B.

"Seemingly Unimportant Decisions (SUDS) = the events that the addict strings together, that mutually exclusive of each other may not be important, but that when woven together somehow always place the offender in the position to offend".

The balance is there, if you make a plan and you're straight with yourself. Sounds like you're doing really well, though!

rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #28 on: October 08, 2020, 09:45:58 AM »

Loads of stuff on this one in lots of the relevant books. I just found this on a web search about SUD's - seemingly unimportant decisions. I used to drive certain routes to places, telling myself in my rational brain that they were the best route, but knowing deep down in my emotional brain that there was an increased possibility of a buzz by taking route A over route B.

"Seemingly Unimportant Decisions (SUDS) = the events that the addict strings together, that mutually exclusive of each other may not be important, but that when woven together somehow always place the offender in the position to offend".

The balance is there, if you make a plan and you're straight with yourself. Sounds like you're doing really well, though!

Thanks workinprogressUK for the support, and thanks for that brand new info, I didn't know about SUD's and so here's something to think about and integrate for the future.

As to how well I'm doing, you seem to be more optimistic than I myself am. I feel like I'm standing between an angel and a devil and they're shouting so so loud I can't barely hear them anymore. I think I haven't opened up quite enough these last three or four days and I feel the weight like never before. Part of my brain is wanting to call it quits, hoping to be exposed to such powerful trigger that fighting would be hopeless so that the nightmare stops, like I'd (symbolically) go home and fap, relieved at last,  like Noah Church says, I was trained for that, and the other part is calling for desperate help. All in all, even though I haven't slipped, I don't know how this is will all come out. People usually feel urges that last 5 mns, this afternoon I had a 3h urge. I can't go on like this forever. I don't know if that's such a good idea...

I'll do some breathing exercise now and then take a cold shower.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2020, 12:44:20 AM by rolandc244 »

rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #29 on: October 09, 2020, 12:17:44 AM »
Will be 9 days in less than 5 hours. I feel better than yesterday, the cold shower went a long way into helping me cope with the last urge. Not mentioning all the heath benefits that cold water comes with, meaning not just stress reduction. Overall and physically, I feel great. The breathing exercises helped re-balance my body's chemistry too, taking care off any potential depressive state before they even appear. So let me break it for you, I am definitely happy I kept my integrity, I stood strong and have no regrets.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2020, 12:44:48 AM by rolandc244 »

Jayd

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #30 on: October 09, 2020, 05:09:07 AM »
Good going, breathing exercises are def good, I am incorporating them along with some yoga in my morning schedule.

rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #31 on: October 09, 2020, 05:35:22 AM »
Good going, breathing exercises are def good, I am incorporating them along with some yoga in my morning schedule.

Thanks. Well, that goes in tandem with the cold shower practice, I do get satisfying results. I'm not really into yoga but I just do the Wim Hof method (which I have known for a few years now). Since the latter has been covered on here a few times, I won't elaborate on it (there are millions of stuffs on the internet discussing it). I just like to think I wouldn't be able to make it without it. Also, being a stroke survivor, my progress with the WHM is experimental, so to speak. Well, at least for now, I get a green light. Otherwise, to anyone who's not a stroke survivor or epileptic or anything, I'd strongly recommend exploring this method anyhow.

LetItGoAlready

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #32 on: October 09, 2020, 11:41:28 AM »
Quote
I am definitely happy I kept my integrity, I stood strong and have no regrets.

Roland - Congrats to you on standing your ground while dealing with a 3-hour urge. That could not have been easy. Keep it up. You're doing great!

rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #33 on: October 09, 2020, 01:27:16 PM »
Roland - Congrats to you on standing your ground while dealing with a 3-hour urge. That could not have been easy. Keep it up. You're doing great!

Hi LetItGoAlready, thanks for the warm words and for your support in general, I truly can use all the help I find on here and am extremely grateful for it. This is not the last time I would have to face a long concentration-smacking urge but then, I stand firm on my ground, proud to say if I ever cave in, whatever the trigger, if I ever get thrown to the lowest and darkest corner of my soul again, then it won't be without having fought the most ferocious battle in the history of lust. It is understood at that point I am all but emotion-proof but then, this is expected behavior so no worries.

A lot of good is done on this forum and I am certainly more than happy I've registered and decided to start a diary.

Rookie

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #34 on: October 09, 2020, 11:18:56 PM »


[/quote]
 All in all, even though I haven't slipped, I don't know how this is will all come out. People usually feel urges that last 5 mns, this afternoon I had a 3h urge. I can't go on like this forever. I don't know if that's such a good idea...


[/quote]

In my first 2 months of the journey...I was walking around almost half mast every second day. Blue balls are a very, very real thing and hurt, bad. But the thing I had noticed before this journey, even fapping for relief, wasn't instant. So the times I had blue balls, I thought to myself "snap one off, and pain is gone in 3 hrs" ,or let it be, keep the streak, and the pain is gone in 3 hrs...

rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #35 on: October 10, 2020, 12:07:27 AM »
In my first 2 months of the journey...I was walking around almost half mast every second day. Blue balls are a very, very real thing and hurt, bad. But the thing I had noticed before this journey, even fapping for relief, wasn't instant. So the times I had blue balls, I thought to myself "snap one off, and pain is gone in 3 hrs" ,or let it be, keep the streak, and the pain is gone in 3 hrs...

Thanks Rookie, you're absolutely right.


rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #36 on: October 10, 2020, 10:37:18 AM »
[ 10 days completed ]

This afternoon I got confronted with a huge trigger, I started to cave in mentally but was nonetheless able to walk away, so I should congratulate myself and everything but I feel it's a matter of time until I'm defeated, like I'm driving a truck that carries nitroglycerin and the ride's long and bumpy. The pain from the withdrawal I feel is trying to tell me something, it sure is, but the only thing I can hear is I terribly lack fun, socializing and encouragement. Problem is I can't expect my social life to improve overnight, can I.

There were times within the last twenty years when I thought PMO's not a problem, when I just focused on living up to my goals, ignoring the shame and guilt whenever I felt an urge and instantiated myself. There really were times when I was engaging with that "kind of fun" and realized I was cured because I wasn't feeling obsessed about it anymore (having gotten rid off the shame aspect) and all in all I'd PMO every few days only. My question is: isn't the urge to quit actually worsening my addiction?
« Last Edit: October 10, 2020, 10:39:49 AM by rolandc244 »

Leonidas

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #37 on: October 10, 2020, 11:02:21 AM »
There were times within the last twenty years when I thought PMO's not a problem, when I just focused on living up to my goals, ignoring the shame and guilt whenever I felt an urge and instantiated myself. There really were times when I was engaging with that "kind of fun" and realized I was cured because I wasn't feeling obsessed about it anymore (having gotten rid off the shame aspect) and all in all I'd PMO every few days only. My question is: isn't the urge to quit actually worsening my addiction?
It's a great question!  I would be tempted to say 'no' to be on par with the forum, but it is true that worrying about quitting porn may lead one to think about it more.  So here are two extremes: being too relaxed about a PMO lifestyle and give in to temptation whenever the whim occurs - or - being an obsessive-compulsive disciplinarian who relentlessly focuses on PMO avoidance.  As you can imagine, the most balanced approach is somewhere in the middle.  It's like the Buddhist philosophy of detachment: you can strive for the goal as long as do not invest yourself too deeply to the desired end result.  So like someone aiming to launch a business, we can all aim to be successful at changing our lifestyles to replace PMO by more wholesome activities... but if we cannot handle the slightest failure or slip, then we are being motivated by absolute success.  And THAT is the kind of toxic thought process that can potentially worsen addiction, not the desire to pursue an objective especially if done with flexibility and temperance.

rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #38 on: October 10, 2020, 11:36:00 AM »
It's a great question!  I would be tempted to say 'no' to be on par with the forum, but it is true that worrying about quitting porn may lead one to think about it more.  So here are two extremes: being too relaxed about a PMO lifestyle and give in to temptation whenever the whim occurs - or - being an obsessive-compulsive disciplinarian who relentlessly focuses on PMO avoidance.  As you can imagine, the most balanced approach is somewhere in the middle.  It's like the Buddhist philosophy of detachment: you can strive for the goal as long as do not invest yourself too deeply to the desired end result.  So like someone aiming to launch a business, we can all aim to be successful at changing our lifestyles to replace PMO by more wholesome activities... but if we cannot handle the slightest failure or slip, then we are being motivated by absolute success.  And THAT is the kind of toxic thought process that can potentially worsen addiction, not the desire to pursue an objective especially if done with flexibility and temperance.

Thanks Leonidas for sharing this thoughtful insight. So I guess, what you're trying to say is there a huge probability, given my background or what I shared thereof, that although aiming at the best is the thing I should do and that honors me, it just will not go without slips and so I've got learn how to stand again each time? Like having been addicted for so long, the moment I decide to pick up my cross there are bound to be slips and until I accept that I am doomed to fail? Like I need to learn to become confident while I am a recovering sex-addict that won't be able to pull it
 in one shot (for various reasons) and I need to accept that and still be able to love myself and then one day I'll see the light? is that sort of what you mean?

rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #39 on: October 10, 2020, 04:06:20 PM »
I've just slipped. Not a relapse. I haven't even enjoyed it really. I don't really feel ashamed, I needed that slip actually, there was too much pressure in mind so although I'd have liked to announce day eleven completed tomorrow,  I won't and that doesn't worry me. I can even give myself credit for all I've learned lately, including today. I do not hate myself and I stand by my own values. Lesson learned. Reboot continues.

Rookie

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #40 on: October 10, 2020, 06:40:52 PM »
I posted about this, on Mr. Slurps journal. If you slip, you now have 2 things to count. First, the streak, so now, sure it starts again. The other number, is how many slips per streak. So for instance, if you were a daily "user"...and now you're only using once every 9 days, that's big progress. Eventually, it's going to get better.


rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #41 on: October 11, 2020, 01:22:09 AM »
if you were a daily "user"...and now you're only using once every 9 days, that's big progress. Eventually, it's going to get better.

Thanks Rookie. You know, I just woke up and I am definitely not lashing myself out here. My reboot became too obsessive for many reasons so not that slipping is generally good but in this case it served me. Now I'm gonna be more gentle with myself, not expecting too much from myself and others and working my way to what I need in life, even though I'm scared but who isn't?

Leonidas

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #42 on: October 11, 2020, 10:01:31 AM »
You know, I just woke up and I am definitely not lashing myself out here.
This is what I meant, to answer your other question.  This reaction right here is probably the most helpful for overall recovery.  So to clarify what I meant: it IS a good thing to pursue an objective, which in this case is PMO avoidance.  But this comes with a caveat: if it is too dependent on success, i.e. there is no tolerance for error, you are likely going to set yourself up for self-hate... because rather than see slips as stepping stones to your objective, they'll be interpreted as signs of weakness -> not good for the self-esteem.  Slips are an inevitable part of the process, at least for most of us... we are human after all, and figuring out a way to live the best life possible is a learning experience by trial and error.

I like Rookie's perspective: case in point on how you can find the silver lining from a slip.  So keep trying to aim for your goals and keep learning from your journey, regardless of how annoying slips can be!

rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #43 on: October 11, 2020, 01:08:11 PM »
This is what I meant, to answer your other question.  This reaction right here is probably the most helpful for overall recovery.  So to clarify what I meant: it IS a good thing to pursue an objective, which in this case is PMO avoidance.  But this comes with a caveat: if it is too dependent on success, i.e. there is no tolerance for error, you are likely going to set yourself up for self-hate... because rather than see slips as stepping stones to your objective, they'll be interpreted as signs of weakness -> not good for the self-esteem.  Slips are an inevitable part of the process, at least for most of us... we are human after all, and figuring out a way to live the best life possible is a learning experience by trial and error.

I like Rookie's perspective: case in point on how you can find the silver lining from a slip.  So keep trying to aim for your goals and keep learning from your journey, regardless of how annoying slips can be!

Thanks Leonidas, that means I perfectly understood your message yesterday and I'm happier the way things are today than two days ago. I feel my reboot's on the right track now and that's a good thing. Thank you.

jixu

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #44 on: October 22, 2020, 04:40:29 PM »
How has it been going lately?  Keep going!

rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #45 on: October 25, 2020, 03:44:11 AM »
How has it been going lately?  Keep going!

Funny that you ask me this as it's only yesterday evening that I've started to hear the pounding yet true voice of consciousness telling me there's more to sober life than to binging and edging. Now I won't do the same mistake as I previously did which is to let the pressure in. Therefore I'm on a reboot streak since yesterday but with no expectations for now whatsoever. I do take a cold shower everyday but it does not seem to help anymore since I'm kinda used to it though. Anyway, thanks your support. Much appreciated.

jixu

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #46 on: October 25, 2020, 07:22:04 AM »
I loved the line "the pounding voice of consciousness" big time; if I ever write a novel I will steal it!  Learn what you can from it and keep on keeping on.  Takes a while to develop traction some time! 

rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #47 on: October 25, 2020, 10:32:40 AM »
if I ever write a novel I will steal it!

It honors me, thanks :)

Leonidas

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #48 on: October 25, 2020, 11:31:15 AM »
Funny that you ask me this as it's only yesterday evening that I've started to hear the pounding yet true voice of consciousness telling me there's more to sober life than to binging and edging. Now I won't do the same mistake as I previously did which is to let the pressure in. Therefore I'm on a reboot streak since yesterday but with no expectations for now whatsoever.
When consciousness speaks, one should listen!  You have good fortune on your side because as it happens you DO pay attention to it... I know from my own experience that when I ignored its pleas, my consciousness would bite back hard.

I also appreciate the self-compassion in your message, in that you are not trying to 'force' anything out of recovery, but just allowing it to become a part of your life.  Wishing you lucid days ahead, Roland!

rolandc244

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Re: I need out, I'm unfit!
« Reply #49 on: October 25, 2020, 03:21:16 PM »
When consciousness speaks, one should listen!  You have good fortune on your side because as it happens you DO pay attention to it... I know from my own experience that when I ignored its pleas, my consciousness would bite back hard.

I also appreciate the self-compassion in your message, in that you are not trying to 'force' anything out of recovery, but just allowing it to become a part of your life.  Wishing you lucid days ahead, Roland!

and I surely appreciate you opinion on this. Thanks so much for your support.