I need out, I'm unfit!

[rolandc244]

Hello Everyone,

I'm sure most of you remember that line from the Exorcist movie when the Greek priest's in a pub feeling worn out and is about to give up. That's the line that's been lingering in my mind for the last ten minutes, besides, who needs another subject that reads 'New start', huh? And I chose that line for a good reason because after all, one never wins against addiction, never ever, you just learn to do something else with your life, having first 'de-warped' a few ideas here and there and then get on with it, never turning back.

Before I go deeper into introducing myself and my struggle, I should say I have already been successful quitting (heavy) smoking and as well as drinking back in 2013 using Allen Carr's method, which power I find is underestimated when it comes to sex addiction. By the way, I should start out saying I see myself as an addict, from a genetics point of view at least, a sex addict, meaning not just a porn addict, besides, I never really loved porn as I always got best aroused by material that are erotic in nature or at least it's started that way. I'm sure lots of you will relate to that too.

Now let's take that deep dive into the unknown... I was born and raised in the South-West of France, that nobody cares about I’m sure and I'm currently 45 yo, having tried forever to find freedom from my addiction to sex (hear dopamine and alike), which nowadays largely consists of sitting in front of the internet, engaging in PMO, being caught in an endless relapse cycle, trying to break the shame cycle and everything and well, results aren't as great as I’m expecting, that's why I'm going public, yet anonymously for now. Sometimes you have to open the window and let the smoke dissipate, that's exactly what I am doing here. And I need the support of the good folk here to not close shop and intoxicate myself again.

My addiction story is probably similar to many other that started PMO before high-speed internet began and I'm not looking to reinvent the wheel here, although I should point out it has put me in trouble with the law before and that it's ruined my career too, making me dependent financially again, bringing me back (four years ago) where it had all started, that's at my parent's home. Useless to say, using in my aging parents's home, at my age, has made me feel immensely guilty these last years.

Also, two years ago I was hit by a severe cerebral stroke, caused by excessive blood-pressure, though I suspect my addiction had to play a role in it, and so I'm a stroke survivor and now that I'm supposed to work again, I'm dead scared because I've lost confidence in myself, living in a pressurizing, negative environment that shatters every bit of confidence I have left within myself. And of course, the PMO trap shouts louder and louder in such setting.

Not only have I ruined my professional career, but I have also lost all my friends and destroyed every intimate relationship I had, even if that's another topic in itself while I haven't been indulging in relationships with the most innocent girls anyway. I mean someone has a sex addiction problem is usually someone who has no friends and no life. But then once you have lost everyone and everything, how do you come out of the loop? I once thought about the mortgage technique. That is, you grant yourself the secretion of a few good chemicals in your brain by thinking of the people/situation you're about to meet or encounter soon while rebooting, so that you feel better enough until you get the rest of the chemicals engaging in those 'good' situations you have been visualizing. Somehow, it all boils to down to the fact that visualization techniques are a good way to start making your new life come true, the life you really need, not the one you're leaving behind.

I really feel it's pointless to try and craft a long fit-it-all post where everyone everywhere will know everything about me and my ongoing struggle as indeed this is an ongoing endeavor, where everyone constantly needs the support of others and so every subsequent post I write will contain ideas relevant to my current mood and the state of my progress, you get the drift.

Please do not hate me if I don't always reply as quickly as consistently, I'm an emotional addict too, always was, and I'm looking to find freedom from that too.

I remember having almost relapsed as I was starting this post but I hung well, I haven't relapsed.  Last PMO was yesterday morning, Paris time, anyway, we're all in this and I can't thank you enough for the time you've just spent reading this.

Let's make this journey together!

[Gabe Deem]

Rolandc, So glad to have you on the forum! I hope you find this community encouraging and supportive. You're not alone.

Not only have I ruined my professional career

Let your past refine you, don't let it define you. Many individuals have gotten out of prison and went on to establish successful careers, and turn their negatives into positives. There's always that option. To ruin something, in my opinion, has a "permanent" connotation to it. I'd say you "damaged" your career, but it can be repaired.

But then once you have lost everyone and everything, how do you come out of the loop?

One step at a time. Visualize an ideal to pursue. Make a goal. Break it down into small, practical steps. Then focus all your energy on the steps to achieve the goal. This is how all things are achieved. One step at a time. You got this.

Congrats on starting this journal and hanging in there. Every time you fight off urgers you strengthen the neural pathways that say "nope, not today, I'm going to do something healthy instead." You're off to a great start! Hope the best for you. Much love.

[rolandc244]

Hello Gabe and thank you so much for taking the time to craft such an encouraging and supportive reply. That means a lot to me and by the way, thank you for the huge contribution you've been making for the community for the past few years. It does make a difference. I actually remember first finding out about brain plasticity in one of your videos. I'm super happy ever since I've read your words, my mood is high now and I am proud to say I have kept clean all the while.

This morning I've experienced withdrawal, which felt the same as withdrawing from antidepressants, at least I felt exactly this way while withdrawing from Xanax twenty years ago. And so I'm happy that I've successfully passed the initial withdrawal period. It's gonna be a long road of course, the longest one actually, but one that's worth more than any others I would encounter in my life.

I've learned a lot through my passed slips, and this time I'm not taking chances. On top of that and again, your reply is very valuable and I will treasure it, coming back to it whenever I need.

I'll certainly update this entry as I go along, anyway, to whomever is reading this, please don't give up, go easy, stay free.

Thought of the day : Reproduction is perfectly natural, abusing your reproductive system is not,

[LetItGoAlready]

Hi Roland,

Welcome. I'm glad you're here. Your story struck a chord with me because it reminded me of how easily I can turn to black and white thinking when I look back on my own life. I can't say I've ruined my career or every relationship I've ever had, but I can certainly get down on myself for being a middle-aged man who can't seem to shake his pathetic P addiction.

I also recognize that the die was cast at a very young age, and knowing that has relieved me of some of the shame I have around feeling alone or unloved or just feeling "less than" when I compare myself to other people. Taking this longer view of my life has helped me to feel some compassion for the situation I find myself in now and it has also helped me to forgive myself for the choices that I've made in my past.

I would encourage you to be kinder to yourself, too. Give yourself credit for coming here and being open about your story, and for taking this brave step towards healing and recovery.

You're worth it, my friend. Good luck!

[rolandc244]

Hello LetItGoAlready and thank you so much too for those kind words.

Knowing my experience can strike a chord's in somebody else's mind is touching me too in return, like I know for sure I am not alone now, ever since I have decided to make this post. Which reminds me that although like most of us who have already read it all, watched it all,  registering on here a few month ago just wasn't enough. It took the conscious realization lately that I will never succeed alone, that I need to open up to other people, hence people who through similar issues in their lives, so I can start sharing my story, receive help and hopefully give help too. After all, human beings are social animals, they say, so there's no point trying to make it alone anyway.

About thinking in black and white, Gabe was right yesterday about that I haven't ruined my career but merely damaged it so it can always be repaired and I guess depression (or depressive states) for years had me warp the way I look at my career, depression being that huge co-lateral damage caused by the long term effects of PMO. Now eventually, there's an initial layer of depression that needs to be addressed, the initial layer I should have taken care off instead of trying to soothe the pain indulging in... you know the story.

I am no doctor, but I do know that, depression, reduced at its core, correspond to a lack of blood supply to the frontal lob. As simple as that. Long story short, forget about your shrink's couch, just (completely) give up starch, everything that contains glutamates, soja-derived products, etc, from your daily food intake. I find cutting down on caffeine helpful to since it lowers the general level of toxicity in the brain.

That's all I can think of this morning, it's still early here. Been three days almost, I'd better move away from my screen now. Thanks so much again for your support. Have a great day.

[jjacks]

You quit smoking so you know what might be involved. This one is a different challenge from smoking because you cannot just say no thank you like when someone offers you a smoke -- PMO is a solo and private activity.

What helped me was writing in the journal, and writing often early in the process, so I could see my feelings in black and white and get really helpful feedback from others along the way. This forum is a super-safe place. And counting the days gave a measure of progress,even if it had to reset. Don't be shy. It worked for me. In 3 weeks from now I will reach 4 years no PMO, and I am proud that my sex life is pretty amazing now for a 71-year-old.

By the way, SW France is a very special place. Vous êtes très chanceux. (I would normally be in Biarritz enjoying pintxos and vin de Gascogne around this time if it weren't for the d*** COVID).

Looking forward to seeing more of your posts.

-jj

[eyecan]

Hello Roland, good to have you here. I will ask you please to not be too hard on yourself over your past. From my own experience I see that attitude only reinforces my tendency to not love myself, to be unforgiving and to see myself as unworthy of love. It's very important that we learn or re-learn how to love and forgive ourselves, failing to do so will push us back to the addiction we want to leave behind. My best wishes for you.

[rolandc244]

You quit smoking so you know what might be involved. This one is a different challenge from smoking because you cannot just say no thank you like when someone offers you a smoke -- PMO is a solo and private activity.

What helped me was writing in the journal, and writing often early in the process, so I could see my feelings in black and white and get really helpful feedback from others along the way. This forum is a super-safe place. And counting the days gave a measure of progress,even if it had to reset. Don't be shy. It worked for me. In 3 weeks from now I will reach 4 years no PMO, and I am proud that my sex life is pretty amazing now for a 71-year-old.

By the way, SW France is a very special place. Vous êtes très chanceux. (I would normally be in Biarritz enjoying pintxos and vin de Gascogne around this time if it weren't for the d*** COVID).

Looking forward to seeing more of your posts.

-jj

Hello jjacks, thank you so much for you reply and congratulations for having been clean for four years. Being 71, what an achievement! It gives me even more hope, because you had to attempt your last reboot while you were 67 then. I'm not trying to cheapen everyone else's efforts here, of course not, I just can't help relating to your age, even though 45's not that old they say... .

Biarritz is a nice city, I've actually been there once on a week end twenty years ago, one evening to be more exact, then the next morning we drove to Spain. I come from the Bordeaux area in fact. As to whether I'm lucky or not, that's funny because when I grew up I always felt I'd have been luckier growing up in North America instead of France, but I'm taking about the 80's/90's and well, a lot has changed since then.

Anyway, I do appreciate your support and I look forward to reading from you soon here, to reading from anyone sharing the same type of struggle anyhow.

By the way your French does not have any typo, which is very good knowing how French people keep making mistakes all the time, to the point I almost can tell you're a foreigner because your sentence looks too correctly written.

Until next time,

Roland

[rolandc244]

Hello Roland, good to have you here. I will ask you please to not be too hard on yourself over your past. From my own experience I see that attitude only reinforces my tendency to not love myself, to be unforgiving and to see myself as unworthy of love. It's very important that we learn or re-learn how to love and forgive ourselves, failing to do so will push us back to the addiction we want to leave behind. My best wishes for you.

Hello eyecan, thanks for welcoming me and for your support, I guess there's much truth in that, at least thinking this never would not hurt.

[Leonidas]

Hello Roland,

It's good to see so many come here in a wave of support.  Many gave good advice and I particularly liked Gabe's suggestion of changing the perspective to look for a more positive outlook.

But I also found that your first post cut right through the bullshit with a very prescient statement:

I mean someone has a sex addiction problem is usually someone who has no friends and no life.

Someone else can try to debate this, but I believe this to be pretty damn on target.  Recognizing the behavior for what it is the decisive victory... following through with appropriate life changes is the other 50%.

However in one of your later posts I caught this:

I am no doctor, but I do know that, depression, reduced at its core, correspond to a lack of blood supply to the frontal lob. As simple as that. Long story short, forget about your shrink's couch, just (completely) give up starch, everything that contains glutamates, soja-derived products, etc, from your daily food intake.

I would disagree with this.  Depression may stem from a variety of sources: could be genetic, could be tied to anxiety, may be the physiological + psychological changes from the onset of stroke, could be a lack of connection in other life areas (social, work-wise, etc.).  One can try to influence the biochemistry of the brain through special diets, but that will not address the problem areas that lead one to feel a sense of 'disconnect'.  And problem areas must be addressed by direct action if one is capable... and if one is not, then therapy can help provide the confidence and optimism needed to tackle those life areas that need more attention.  The other day I was bemoaning the fact that therapy is not covered in my country, making it a very expensive service indeed.  But if it were more accessible, then there would be no question that most people would stand to gain something from the experience.

[rolandc244]

Hello Leonidas and thanks a lot for your reply, where you make very interesting points I'd have to agree. Now, trying to shoot myself in the foot, I'd even go as far as saying one can have a life fool of friends and successes and still suffer a sex addiction, Tigers Woods comes in mind right away, I don't know if that rumor's true but that's what I heard a few years back. Now, looking at my own experience, there were times when I was quite popular socially, had tons of friends and saw many of them frequently, was invited everywhere, still, I remember spending all morning binging, or edging if you will, after I had come home from a party. And that was a time when I knew for ages I was a sex-addict. So I guess being addicted and being a no-lifer is not necessarily linked.

As to depression, I don't argue that there can be a genetic component to developping drepression or depressive states, that's my case even as far I know, and sources are multiple, no arguing with that, I meant to say that the physical output or marker of that is a lack of blood flow to the frontal lob. I understand your point of view, but I can only be honest and say (in my own words) that for most people successfully tackling depression all boils down to stop daily binging on pasta, pizza, biscuits, gluten and so on from their diet. In no way I am saying this is the only thing that causes depression, I'm only saying that, often, nowadays one has to look in this way since manufacturers have consciously poisoned us with their food products for the past decades and that has a huge negative impact on the anti-inflammatory barrier that separates the frontal lob and the rest of the brain.

Anyway, that's four days in for me today. I'm happy.

[jjacks]

By the way your French does not have any typo, which is very good knowing how French people keep making mistakes all the time, to the point I almost can tell you're a foreigner

Canadien anglais ici. I have always  appreciated the French' regular use of niceties (bonjour m'sieur et dame, merci) and their appreciation of their agrarian heritage and good food (des racines et des ailes). Canada sometimes slips when it comes to that. So get rid of this addiction and focus your brain on what is really important!

[rolandc244]

Canadien anglais ici. I have always  appreciated the French' regular use of niceties (bonjour m'sieur et dame, merci) and their appreciation of their agrarian heritage and good food (des racines et des ailes). Canada sometimes slips when it comes to that. So get rid of this addiction and focus your brain on what is really important!

I used to dream of immigrating to Canada when I was 16 and I was well aware of the applicable immigration law back then, what it took to get a work visa and so forth, I was a Degrassi high fan b the way, now things seemed to radically changed, at least they have chnaged for immigrants coming from where the unrest is, but then I wouldn't want to emigrate to there nowadays, too progressive for me  I guess, to make a long story short, besides, I understand the police can now come knocking at your door to check if you have too many people at your home at the same time, in regard to that virus thing. Now, there are things I'll always love about Canada though, don't get me wrong and I perfectly understand the love you share for the French culture and everything, I think I do and in my opinion it honors you. I myself am not so optimistic regarding things like food when it come to France, just because of the way French people crave MacDonald food just as anyone else on the planet, should I say more even because when North American tourists come to visit us, they know better than to gorge themselves on badly prepared junk food, the way I see it. Ronnie stole the show in France too, since the beginning of the 80's.

[Leonidas]

As to depression, I don't argue that there can be a genetic component to developping drepression or depressive states, that's my case even as far I know, and sources are multiple, no arguing with that, I meant to say that the physical output or marker of that is a lack of blood flow to the frontal lob. I understand your point of view, but I can only be honest and say (in my own words) that for most people successfully tackling depression all boils down to stop daily binging on pasta, pizza, biscuits, gluten and so on from their diet. In no way I am saying this is the only thing that causes depression, I'm only saying that, often, nowadays one has to look in this way since manufacturers have consciously poisoned us with their food products for the past decades and that has a huge negative impact on the anti-inflammatory barrier that separates the frontal lob and the rest of the brain.

Your approach to tackling depression is a perfectly valid one and I commend you for sticking to your guns... after all you know yourself better than anyone else.  However, it is an entirely different thing to advise others to "forget about their shrink's couch" as I believe you put it, because I also happen to know of people who benefited by going the therapy route.  Even one of our members here, TheNorman, is documenting his progress with EMDR therapy.  The way I see it is like this: multiple solutions for the same problem, whether the problem is depression or addiction.  Wishing you a great start to your journey!

[Rookie]

By the way your French does not have any typo, which is very good knowing how French people keep making mistakes all the time, to the point I almost can tell you're a foreigner

Canadien anglais ici. I have always  appreciated the French' regular use of niceties (bonjour m'sieur et dame, merci) and their appreciation of their agrarian heritage and good food (des racines et des ailes). Canada sometimes slips when it comes to that. So get rid of this addiction and focus your brain on what is really important!

Pure French Acadian here folks. Mon Français parlé est plus préçis que mon Anglais. Mes deux parents sont Acadiens...alors, il reste que je suis pure. Mais, pas le même Français que la France.

[rolandc244]

Your approach to tackling depression is a perfectly valid one and I commend you for sticking to your guns... after all you know yourself better than anyone else.  However, it is an entirely different thing to advise others to "forget about their shrink's couch" as I believe you put it, because I also happen to know of people who benefited by going the therapy route.  Even one of our members here, TheNorman, is documenting his progress with EMDR therapy.  The way I see it is like this: multiple solutions for the same problem, whether the problem is depression or addiction.  Wishing you a great start to your journey!

@Leonidas Perhaps I haven't picked the best of words and I certainly didn't mean to undermine someone else's endeavors here. We all know how hard can rebooting feel at times of course. On the other end, I would be lying if I said I had no bias against the 'couch' industry, although I have benefited much from Computerized Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for the last ten years, but then again, computerized means there's no couch involved, so to speak. I'm perfectly happy with TheNorman's choice if that works for him, 100%, and I wish him complete success rebooting as I wish the same for everyone here.

[rolandc244]

Mon Français parlé est plus préçis que mon Anglais. Mes deux parents sont Acadiens...alors, il reste que je suis pure. Mais, pas le même Français que la France.

Bonjour Rookie, en effet chaque fois que j'entends du québécois, je mets longtemps à comprendre. Mais, la plupart des mes ancêtres viennent des régions d'où les colons français venaient. En tout cas, bon courage et bon reboot!

[Rookie]

Mon Français parlé est plus préçis que mon Anglais. Mes deux parents sont Acadiens...alors, il reste que je suis pure. Mais, pas le même Français que la France.

Bonjour Rookie, en effet chaque fois que j'entends du québécois, je mets longtemps à comprendre. Mais, la plupart des mes ancêtres viennent des régions d'où les colons français venaient. En tout cas, bon courage et bon reboot!

All that said, I type much, much faster in English. Keep strong in your reboot...if you want some tips. Read Mr. Slurps journal, a few of us give him advice, and you can read mine. This reboot, is very, very much worth it.

[rolandc244]

All that said, I type much, much faster in English. Keep strong in your reboot...if you want some tips. Read Mr. Slurps journal, a few of us give him advice, and you can read mine. This reboot, is very, very much worth it.

Thanks a lot for the advice, and hell yes, it's only worth it I dare say. I haven't slipped yet and I am not planning to, but I know how easy it is to get deceived obviously so I keep being on the look out for triggers whatever the weather.

[rolandc244]

 Celebrating one week today at noon, not the longest of streaks but one I can already be much proud of though.

[Jayd]

Well done

[rolandc244]

Well done

Thanks

[jjacks]

Celebrating one week today at noon, not the longest of streaks but one I can already be much proud of though.

Keep counting, keep posting. There is plenty to be proud of.

[rolandc244]

Keep counting, keep posting. There is plenty to be proud of.

Hey jjacks, thanks a lot for the support.

[rolandc244]

Hitting 8 days at noon (in four hours), it'll be easier tomorrow as I'm getting my car back. On the other end, that means driving up to more potential triggers. Let's see how I can find balance.