Tried to quit 1000 times

[LetItGoAlready]

The connection between me and my wife is making all the difference in the world. 

I'm really happy to hear that, 3rd. It sounds like things are really improving between you two. I'm also glad that you're able to see more clearly how your withdrawal from life and restless agitation has affected your loved ones. It's the sort of thing we can't really see when we're under the spell of P, but when we do it see, it causes us to reexamine our behavior. Just one more reminder of what we give up (our kindness, our humor, our good nature, etc.) for these cravings that we can never satisfy. Congrats on Day 3, friend.

[3rdprecept]

Day 4

Getting through the day has been easier.  I am aware of how deeply rooted my mindset has been on sex throughout my life. Constant never ending over-sexualization was how my mind works.  The restlessness and secrecy of finding time to shift my focus toward arousal creates a soul draining tension in my life.

I'm consciously working on ways to shift my attention, energy, and mindset toward love and compassion.  Recognizing that this constant drive for arousal/PMO/gratification is empty and emotionally, physically, and spiritually dead.  I've talked before about the fear of giving that sex drive up since it is so familiar. 

I'm ready to give that up for a calm, compassionate and life focused on love.

Today at my work 23 positions were eliminated due to C-19 financial stress (my job is safe--for now).  I also found out today that a very good friend from high school took his life.  Emotionally I'm in a place of deep compassion and surrender. I can see the emptiness of this PMO habit.  This world we live in is REAL, having a heart and mind open to others rather than closed off behind a wall of self-seeking arousal is the path forward.

Today my resolve to reboot is strong. Also I’m ready to give up the old way of life and all of the restless energy for a new calm life that abandons the constant self-centered gratification seeking. 

[Rookie]

Going through what you're going through is tough, financial stress and losing some people to suicide...not easy. The fight is going to be that much harder. Most of us, when we fell back in, was due to stress, frustration, boredom and sense of hopelessness.

Guard those emotions. And the best thing you can do, if you don't need your computer for work...get off the electronic devices. Only come online to post and the necessary things (paying your bills online, shopping on amazon, check the flyers, whatever) then get off.

The pull will be very, very strong between 5 - 15 days. Most of us fall around there.

[3rdprecept]

That is great advice Rookie. Taking a break from the digital shackles is very important. Living with a phone in your hand and your head buried in mindless scrolling is no way to live.

Day 5 is over.  I'm going to bed early and getting some rest.  I've asked my wife to get a babysitter so we can go out to dinner this weekend.  Each day I'm looking for ways to show her that I'm present and care for her.

[workinprogressUK]

I'm ready to give that up for a calm, compassionate and life focused on love.
Today my resolve to reboot is strong. Also I’m ready to give up the old way of life and all of the restless energy for a new calm life that abandons the constant self-centered gratification seeking.

Achieving some serious self-actualisation there. Looks like you've been looking deep inside yourself. Hope you manage to stay as grounded, mindful and present as you were when you wrote this post.

[3rdprecept]

Day 7 begins

My life was full on day 6. Focus on work was easier to maintain. I've been working with a mantra to help steady my mind. It repeat the mantra silently I've and over and try to anchor my consciousness on it during all tasks.

Awareness of shifting moods and states of mind help to keep the anxious reward-seeking energy that leads me to PMO at a minimum.

Taking the advice of Rookie and trying to minimize the mindless scrolling on my phone...so much content there is a hook meant to allure and enslave my mind in an arousal state.

Throughout the day instead of seeking arousal I re-shift my energy toward doing something that will bring my wife of kids some joy. 

[LetItGoAlready]

Throughout the day instead of seeking arousal I re-shift my energy toward doing something that will bring my wife of kids some joy.

7 days - Well done, 3rd! Re-shifting energy is what it's all about. Mindless phone surfing will gladly take that energy from you and give you little in return, except the thrill of infinite novelty, which just eats more time and attracts more energy.  Better to use that energy to brighten the lives of family members than to fritter it away on things that only reinforce compulsive reward-seeking (says the guy who spent the morning reading news articles on his phone). I'm impressed by your self-awareness around energy and arousal, and the push-and-pull dynamic between the two. Keep at it, my friend. Your doing great!

[3rdprecept]

1 Week and 1 day.

Last night after a fulfilling day without many urges for PMO I found myself in a very familiar and dangerous situation.  It was about 930PM. My kids and wife were in bed and I was upstairs alone and finding that the physical and mental urges were stirring.  I realize now the need to re-arrange the physical environment---having read that sensitization to furniture, postures, and times of night can lead to overwhelming cravings.

I opened up an "incognito browser tab" with the rationalizing notions saying "come on, just have a look..."

I can honestly say that having accountability here and with other relationships made it possible to stay clean from PMO last night. I played the tape forward in my mind to clearly see what I was getting into.  For fucks sake I did not want to come back to this journal and begin a new entry with DAY ZERO---and more importantly I did not want to unleash a binge of empty PMO that leaves me drained and defeated.

It was by the skin of my teeth that I pulled through last night. This morning there are still some lingering urges, but coming back to this forum, catching up on other peoples posts and writing this update is going to help me get through.

[3rdprecept]

Still on day 8

I'm finding myself caught in a mental rut going over in my mind specific scenes....it's insidious since I want to search for it just to satisfy my curiosity. It's burned into my mind right now and I'm finding it difficult to let it pass.

I know from reading many of the journals here that day 8 to 15 can be very difficult.  I'm going to hold on and hold out....No PMO.

[Rookie]

Trust me when I tell you, the struggle, will be very, very, very difficult. The 1 BIG lie you can't believe is "just one more time"...

First of all, it's not just 1 more time, the remorse you will feel will far, far outweigh the "relief" you will get. That, will usually lead to a fall that will not just last for that 1 time relief, but probably 2 times or a long episode of multiple sessions.

The ONLY way to beat this, especially if you're married and have intimacy with your wife, is to fight this cold turkey. No peeks, no temptation to look, no relapse for relief.

I know my advice right now sounds harsh, however, you will NOT get a long streak, nor be able to beat it if you don't get past the first 15 days in "hard mode" as they call it.

It will get easier, but the struggle, the scenes, the visualizing of women you're around will be intense.

I remember going to the store, while within my first 45 days...women wearing stupid spandex pants...and they were gorgeous. I did everything I could to look away.

I obviously wouldn't have PMO'd in public...however, it would have built curiosity to look up women in spandex home...and lead down the rabbit hole.

Fight it brother, you have no idea the reward that awaits. My wife even noticed, about 3 months into my reboot, that the sex was becoming amazing again. And we're in our mid forties. I personally wish it was more often, but she knows I need relief every weekend. So for now, it works for the both of us.

I can tell you one thing, I am NOT going back to PMO without a fight. I obviously can't predict the future, and I may relapse again. But it won't be without a big, big fight.

[LetItGoAlready]

I know from reading many of the journals here that day 8 to 15 can be very difficult.  I'm going to hold on and hold out....No PMO.

3rd - How's it going, friend? Still holding on? As a regular presence on this forum, you have been reliable source of strength for many of us here, myself included. Looking forward to your next update.