Not a Catchy Title ...

[LetItGoAlready]

Artemus - I am just as guilty as anyone else here of compartmentalizing the pleasure that I have derived from P and separating it from the pain and suffering inflicted by the industry. But to see that called out in your journal and called out so well was another wake up call and reminder to me about the many free passes I've granted myself to allow the behavior to continue.

It's not that I haven't thought about it before. I have. In fact, I even watched a documentary once on new recruits to the P industry and how they fared in their "careers" (none of them fared well at all). Many of young actresses who were interviewed started in softcore P but quickly graduated to abuse P. It disgusted me to watch their lives unravel onscreen as they endured darker and more depraved forms of abuse and exploitation, all orchestrated by an industry that thrives on abusing and exploiting women. By the end of it, I felt ashamed for the pain I had caused to others merely by being complicit in the industry’s crimes.

Thank you for opening my eyes again, friend. Wishing every success in losing your taste for the treats forever!

[Artemus]

13 Days

LUCKY 13!  Still going, I intended to update at 10 days but time got away from me.  Been experiencing some turbulence the past few days, but the actual thought of indulging when I get right down to it still turns my stomach and I've turned back at every opportunity to give in.  On the times I've encountered anything I only feel sadness, not arousal.  I still want the pleasure, I feel the physical need, but I don't want it like that.  The desire I have for my wife is increased 10 fold, but conversely my increase has correlated with her being ill and unavailable to me.  That's life I suppose, but none the less frustrating.  Morning wood has increased and I feel less in the way of a maddening impulse.

I don't know what it was like for others, but for me, when I was at my worst there were times I was literally desperate for it.  I was so consumed with lust, I watched DVD's, looked at internet porn and if I couldn't find what I needed to satisfy me I made my own stuff, like fantasy audio recordings and even wrote my own stories.  I remember one time when I was a courier in the late 90's, I drove my own vehicle and sometimes you'd just sit and wait for a call.  Well one day I got so beside myself with wanting a PMO release I drove to an adult DVD store and purchased like 4 or 5 movies at once, even the checkout lady asked me if I was sure I wanted to spend that much...  Then I went home, usually spread out any magazines I may have had at the time on the floor, then watched, wanked and repeated until I was spent and full of guilt.  I then redressed went outside and burned all the movies that same afternoon so I couldn't repeat my actions.  This type of scenario was common for me for several years, just wild desperation followed by guilt & shame.  Today I'm light years from there, but I really do want it totally gone, zero.  God is working in me daily and I can see it.

Peace Brothers

[LetItGoAlready]

Today I'm light years from there, but I really do want it totally gone, zero.  God is working in me daily and I can see it.

Great to hear, Artemus. I sense you have a new determination to leave these old habits behind. If that's what it takes to get you out of the endless cycle of desperation and shame and on your way to a better life, then more power to you, friend. Take care.

[MosesY]

I have watched your struggle for some time now. I identify with it. I come from a similar background, similar feelings about sin and porn. I am divorced basically due to porn but I am also bipolar.

Since you share scriptures and are openly Christian I will go there. I do not believe I can quit porn without God's help. In John 3 Nicodemus asks Jesus "What must I do to go to heaven?" Jesus replies "You must be born again." The question is what does it mean to be born again? For years I asked myself why this was not mentioned in the Old Testament; those people seemed to go to heaven because they lived by the law. I was reading one day and saw the words "I will give them a new heart" in Ezekiel. This is what it means to be "born again", in spirit, being given a new heart. If you go to BibleGateway and do a search for "new heart" you will find a number of scriptures in the Old Testament that refer to this.

One day about a year ago I was setting in front of my Chromebook at the lowest of the low. I had just spent all my money once again on cam girls. I was broke and broken. I bowed my head and came to God honestly and for the first time really meaning it; I asked Him to come into me and give me a new heart. This was the start of a real change in my life; true change, really wanting to quit porn. This is the first time in my life I have really quit porn and I feel unless something happens I have quit porn for good.

I would not say I am perfect, far from it. A while back I looked at some very risque movies and I regret that now; it was a stupid thing to do. Sometimes I am tempted to look at videos of women dancing, but I would say in truth I have not looked at porn for a long time now; God freed me from that.

[Artemus]

I have watched your struggle for some time now. I identify with it. I come from a similar background, similar feelings about sin and porn. I am divorced basically due to porn but I am also bipolar.

Since you share scriptures and are openly Christian I will go there. I do not believe I can quit porn without God's help. In John 3 Nicodemus asks Jesus "What must I do to go to heaven?" Jesus replies "You must be born again." The question is what does it mean to be born again? For years I asked myself why this was not mentioned in the Old Testament; those people seemed to go to heaven because they lived by the law. I was reading one day and saw the words "I will give them a new heart" in Ezekiel. This is what it means to be "born again", in spirit, being given a new heart. If you go to BibleGateway and do a search for "new heart" you will find a number of scriptures in the Old Testament that refer to this.

One day about a year ago I was setting in front of my Chromebook at the lowest of the low. I had just spent all my money once again on cam girls. I was broke and broken. I bowed my head and came to God honestly and for the first time really meaning it; I asked Him to come into me and give me a new heart. This was the start of a real change in my life; true change, really wanting to quit porn. This is the first time in my life I have really quit porn and I feel unless something happens I have quit porn for good.

I would not say I am perfect, far from it. A while back I looked at some very risque movies and I regret that now; it was a stupid thing to do. Sometimes I am tempted to look at videos of women dancing, but I would say in truth I have not looked at porn for a long time now; God freed me from that.

You speak much wisdom and I will be praying for you, my brother.