Reboot Nation Forum > Partners of Rebooters and Addicts

Wife to husband who is an overactive looker

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Supportive wife:
I found this forum by accident and I'm hoping it can help me and my husband.

5 years ago my husband was addicted to porn and spent hours a day searching and looking at women online through every possible forum you can think of.
It nearly ruined us as it got so bad we split up (he spent hours a day trawling through pictures and videos and I was left feeling not got enough and that he didn't want me)

But after time apart and me seeing the grass isn't always greener we talked everything through and gave it another go as a fresh honest start and after a year I asked him to marry me.

We've been such a strong unit since and I've just not had the same worries about him looking at women as I thought it was a thing of the past as it was one of the things he had to overcome if we wanted to give it another go.... Until now

I caught him last night sat next to me scrolling through pictures of women in gym pants and that all too familiar feeling crept in.

This morning we talked, I cried, he said it's an addiction and he's glad that I know about it now as he's struggling and it has crept back in the past few months. (It's not as bad as last time as he doesn't look at porn this time but clothed women, women of Facebook, friend suggestions even women selling clothes on Facebook market place!) He said he can't help it he constantly just Scrolls through pictures of women and I just don't know how to help him.

I'm terrified we will end up back in time all those years ago and I'm not strong enough to go through it again or put up with it as long as I did and I have someone else to think about now as I'm pregnant

I think the biggest part of it for me is the lies, the sneaking, the deception. Honesty is a massive thing for me and was so important when we decided to give it another go.
I'm also very good with technology (probably to my determent) and he's not so I can find anything no matter how 'well hidden' within a few minutes on his phone

Sorry for the massive amount of info I'm just at a loss how to overcome this (I know many will think 'if that's the only problem in your relationship you're lucky' but it's just one I can't cope with)

mousemat1:
Hi Supportive.

I would suggest that he opens an account here, or at the very least reads some the stories from porn addicts. If he is an addict, he first needs to acknowledge the fact. Without this, there's very little hope. We have to fully accept we have a porn addiction, and from this starting point we can set about beating it.

Mouse

Fappy:
Hello, and congratulations on your pregnancy!
Has your husband always done this? Even when dating I mean.

He should join this forum, he will get a lot of great advice and would feel better about quitting for good.

Supportive wife:

--- Quote from: Fappy on August 31, 2020, 07:34:39 PM ---Hello, and congratulations on your pregnancy!
Has your husband always done this? Even when dating I mean.

He should join this forum, he will get a lot of great advice and would feel better about quitting for good.

--- End quote ---

Thank you! We are already over half way so Im glad I found out about his problems now as opposed to when the baby is born and as we are having a girl I've leaned towards the 'do you want men to look at her the way you are'

I didn't know about it when we first got together but yes he's had this problem long before he knew me and I didn't find out until I borrowed his phone and the history was full of pages and pages and pages of just porn it was like he didn't even use his phone for anything else. When I first confronted him he denied he had a problem but as time went on things got worse, I'd come home and turn the TV on and babe station would be on the channel. Or I'd pick up my laptop and look at the history and he would have been sat there all day with it. He worked shifts so the majority of the time we had different days off which basically gave him the freedom to do what he wanted all day every day. Due to many arguments and me putting a 18 block on his phone it changed from porn sites to Instagram stalking. It got so bad and I felt so unappreciated and ugly that I stopped eating properly and became obsessed with fitness and eventually when someone else noticed me and gave me their attention we became close which was the end of our relationship.

Obviously he blamed me for the break up and after about 6 months I wrote him a letter explaining why I did what I did and what led me there and I think for the first time it actually sank in and he realised what an effect his obsession had on us. My letter basically said goodbye at the end and that he wouldn't hear from me again and he said that's when he knew what he wanted and what was important to him.

We talked about coping ways for him and he liked the removing temptation completely approach which started with no phone and no laptop. It was hard but it worked. Gradually he had access to an old phone which obviously I checked religiously and he wasn't allowed Instagram or Twitter or any temptation accounts and I still continued to check his phone regularly and never found anything there which is when we realised he had a break through as he didn't feel the need to look or the urge to want to look and shortly after this I asked him to marry me. That was 3 years ago and he's not had any slips since (I still even now do an occasional technology sweep and he still has the 18 block on his phone)

That was until I caught him this weekend sat next to me scrolling through pictures of women in tight gym clothes on Facebook. Obviously he denied it and said he was looking for clothes for me (yeah right I'm not likely to step foot in the gym for 6 months!) I looked through his phone and when presented with what I had found (notifications for woman's clothes, Facebook also asks you if you bought things you've clicked on so that was another clear indication) he told the truth that he had been struggling for a few months and didn't know how to tell me as he is terrified of losing what he's got.

He was honest that he doesn't look at porn or nude women it's now turned to a habit of looking at attractive women in tight clothing and he does want to stop. He said it's not enjoyable, he doesn't get pleasure from it, it's a habit of looking and scrolling through

I know he's worried I will tell him to get out as I've made it quite clear that I will not re-live last time and I'm trying the supportive approach this time as I want him to feel like he can talk to me and I understand it's a problem not just him looking to make me feel rubbish.

ultimately I cannot be in a relationship with lies, for me without honesty there is nothing and I do just feel hurt and betrayed and scared for what is to come when I'm my less attractive post pregnancy self. And if I'm honest this is mainly the reason I've put off having children for so long as I still hold onto my own image anxiety because of what happened last time and always believed once I got fat (pregnant) he would start looking elsewhere again

Fappy:
Hmmmmm yeah, hes got a big problem. And if hes not man enough to confront it and fix it for the sake of his new child, then hes really fucked (sorry to say, but its true). Have you ever caught him jacking off to anything of the stuff he looks at? Or refusing your sexy advances in preference for wanking to his screen?
"Attractive women" posing in tight clothing and women with no clothing getting things shoved up them is the same. That might sound weird, but they both produce dopamine to be relased, and I mean MASSIVE amounts of dopamine, thats what hes addicted to - not the filthy whores on the screen. The act of seeking after images is what does the most and lasting damage to theh brain pathways.
Does he have any hobbies? Somethng that he could use his time toward, perhaps decorating the babies room? Making something for her? (He sure sounds good with his hands! ((sorry...)) Anything really, as long as his urges are directed outward at something else that can give him pleasure (non-sexual), so a hobby is great for that.
And no, no one can or should be willing to put themselves in a relationship with lies; escpecially one as rotten as the one hes mixed up in.

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