Author Topic: Started Friday July 3rd  (Read 7280 times)

Joel

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #125 on: September 28, 2020, 11:17:53 AM »
Welcome back! and a big congrats for your behaviour on the beach - something that I've found so difficult.

eating too much junk/drinking too much beer

Yes, sometimes recovery can mean leaning into other indulgent behaviours. First 90 days - I wouldn't worry too much (so I've been told). AFter 90 days, it's time to try to improve these other behaviours, something I'm finding a bit tricky!

TheNorman

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #126 on: September 30, 2020, 08:07:29 PM »
Feeling very strong in my no PMO but struggling with a lot of other things. Not being very good at communicating with my partner, something I found to be much easier and more natural and lately just way more in my head. It's not enough to just move away from PMO after what it has done to our relationship, I need to let her know where I am at so she isn't left thinking there's more lies and secrets lurking behind the scenes. Work is piling up in waves and at times I find it overwhelming and I get resentful as I was told we would hire another person to help with the work and have heard nothing on that front. I then worry that if I'm able to keep my head above water without that person that hiring someone will just result in them or someone else getting let go down the line when the work isn't as plentiful. Then there's the kids and covid and school and all that shit...just struggling a bit all around I suppose. I'm very grateful that porn isn't even an option for me but I certainly don't feel as powerful or energized as I did earlier on. Better to feel like I'm treading water rather than drowning I guess.

LetItGoAlready

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #127 on: October 01, 2020, 07:07:07 PM »
Norm - I can relate to the "work piling up in waves" stress that you're feeling. It's been that kind of week for me as well. I guess these are extraordinary times for everyone, with stress from COVID and the messy collision of our private and work lives being the new norm. Hope things will ease up for you soon. Hang in there!

TheNorman

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #128 on: October 01, 2020, 09:13:25 PM »
Thanks LIGA and Joel. It's late and I'm still working but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had therapy tonight which always helps. It's easy to be frustrated with feeling under-appreciated and overworked and not so easy to be grateful to be employed during this covid madness and in a job I (mostly) enjoy. I am recommitting to my tomato-timer and getting my ass up on the 5 minute marks instead of languishing at my desk. The weekend will help too even if I have to work a bit during it. Here's hoping we can all use the weekend to find some calm and comfort!

workinprogressUK

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #129 on: October 02, 2020, 09:35:40 AM »
It's not enough to just move away from PMO after what it has done to our relationship, I need to let her know where I am at so she isn't left thinking there's more lies and secrets lurking behind the scenes.

Good call. Got to work so hard to rebuild that trust. Can't make any assumption that it'll just reappear over time. And communication's the key. Well done on staying clean through it all!

Joel

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #130 on: October 04, 2020, 06:39:33 AM »
Good stuff, Norm. Hope you're feeling recharged!

I also suffer from lack of affirmation for the work I do. I'm going to experiment this week with pre-work gratitude (I'm glad I'm well, that i get to do this work, and not all those other jobs i've done in my life...) and a post work celebration (you did it, punch the air! well done for being awesome!)

TheNorman

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #131 on: October 05, 2020, 01:56:24 PM »
Thanks Joel and WIP. I have been much better at communicating and being grateful for the job that I do have. This weekend flew by and the reflex of coming here when bored at my computer is a good reminder about how much opportunity and boredom can be a recipe for PMO if you don't keep your guard up. Work is still a bit of a sore point but by using the tools I've learned and involving my wife instead of getting work-tunnel-vision, it's been much more manageable. Tomato-timer was really helping and then I got away from it so I'm back to using it as a great reminder to get the fuck out of my chair and move around which is so important to my state-of-mind.

My therapist is a big believer in the rough cycle of threes, three weeks, three months etc. being common falling down points for recovering from addiction which reminded me to look up how long it has been. Today is 94 days. In therapy I talked about how I was struggling a bit with things and she is excellent at helping see the positive in things. She asked me if I ever would have thought that 94 days was even a remote possibility and I had to admit I never would have believed that was possible. I am reminding myself (and anyone reading this) that every day you add to your total, or work towards getting better is a day to celebrate. Any day that you feel down or make a mistake is a good reminder that those mistakes don't feel good but you are so capable in making the next one a good one again.

LetItGoAlready

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #132 on: October 06, 2020, 10:31:31 AM »
Quote
She asked me if I ever would have thought that 94 days was even a remote possibility and I had to admit I never would have believed that was possible. I am reminding myself (and anyone reading this) that every day you add to your total, or work towards getting better is a day to celebrate. Any day that you feel down or make a mistake is a good reminder that those mistakes don't feel good but you are so capable in making the next one a good one again.

You're setting a great example for the rest of us to follow, Norm. I appreciate the encouragement to celebrate the incremental daily victories and to not wallow in our mistakes. Hats off to you on having this perspective after 94 days and best wishes on continuing this amazing run.

TheNorman

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #133 on: October 09, 2020, 09:44:55 AM »
Thanks LIGA. As much as I'm really focusing on the positive I did become a little defensive at the concept of this being a "run". I actually thought when I read that "This aint no fuckin' run. This is who I am".
I guess why I felt like that is from early on I made my focus fixing the things in my mind and in my life that made PMO such a source of escape. I also know it sounds a bit cocky and I own that too!
I'm really focused on embracing and enjoying the space in mind that is now free from the shame and endless chemical chasing that is porn that the thought of trading that in for even a second is unthinkable.

This week has been much better. More manageable workload certainly helps. I've working on keeping a gratitude journal to help soak up the positive things in my life.
I'm also working on changing my language. Instead of saying "I need to do" I'm saying "I would like to do" as saying I need creates a tension and a pressure within myself whereas "want" frames it as a nice thing to pursue.
Looking forward to a long weekend to get out in nature and enjoy the beautiful fall colours.
Thanks to all for their support.

Joel

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #134 on: October 09, 2020, 11:52:17 AM »
Hey Norm. I really respect this 'non-run' aspect to your change in lifestyle. This challenge isn't easy, but it is simple - an identity shift - and you seem to have got the support you need to be making it. I've been hard on myself too despite equally surprising progress - I just can't believe I've been a slave for so long and it's taken me so long to make this progress. I purposely stop every now and then and take a moment of gratitude for not being a slave today.

TheNorman

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #135 on: October 13, 2020, 01:29:20 PM »
So true. Sometimes I am caught up in thinking about something like work or the kids or covid or anything really and then realize how much more space I have in my mind and my life now that I've stopped entertaining the hyper-sexualized thinking that porn encourages. Gratitude is very important. I'm grateful for every day that my mind travels this new path because it leads to a much better place and better life.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #136 on: October 15, 2020, 07:22:56 AM »
So true. Sometimes I am caught up in thinking about something like work or the kids or covid or anything really and then realize how much more space I have in my mind and my life now that I've stopped entertaining the hyper-sexualized thinking that porn encourages. Gratitude is very important. I'm grateful for every day that my mind travels this new path because it leads to a much better place and better life.

That productivity gain's one of the things I'm most grateful for. Amazing how much time we must have wasted back then. Fantastic how much more we can achieve without P clogging-up our brains.

TheNorman

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #137 on: October 15, 2020, 03:19:24 PM »
Amen WIP. I've replaced the dopamine hit of the endless scroll on porn sites with looking for my next book to read which I think is a pretty good trade! I've maintained a healthier weight, I'm sharper, better rested, better focused. I'm just...a better person. I think we get caught up in the trap of thinking "I'm a degenerate" and that becomes an excuse to stay down. What's the point of striving for more if you believe you're not worthy of better or that you can't achieve it?

I see the amazing potential in myself that people told me my whole life was there, but I hated myself too much to believe them. I'm working hard to prove them right and that sad old version of myself wrong.

TheNorman

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #138 on: October 20, 2020, 01:19:22 PM »
My wife and I had a heart-to-heart last night about feeling disconnected. I keep regressing to creating narratives that keep us from being vulnerable and trying to spend more time with (oh she's got a headache, she wants to watch her show etc.) and without communicating about it she feels like I'm avoiding her when that's not the case. I want to do a much better job of having an open dialogue and not get into my own head so much.

I haven't felt tempted or triggered, I've been pretty productive with work and around the house. I have upped my dinner-making to two nights a week (Burgers and oven fries tonight, let's not go too crazy just yet!), I have been more patient with the kids. Lots of little wins so not going to beat myself up but know I can be even better.

Hope you're all finding your strength.


Joel

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #139 on: October 22, 2020, 08:26:02 AM »
Amen WIP. I've replaced the dopamine hit of the endless scroll on porn sites with looking for my next book to read which I think is a pretty good trade! I've maintained a healthier weight, I'm sharper, better rested, better focused. I'm just...a better person.

Awesome, inspiring stuff. The work you're doing with the family sounds good too. Not easy, but good :) Onwards!

TheNorman

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #140 on: October 28, 2020, 12:59:41 PM »
Still struggling with communicating more just about my thoughts and feelings. I am still too much in my own head. Other than that and typical everyday issues like work, keeping house etc. things are going fine.

The issues of the past in regards to porn being intertwined with sex have receded. "Reboot" isn't just a clever name. My mind feels different. Sex isn't constantly on my mind in an unrealistic and unhealthy way like it used to be.

Just got out for a nice walk with my daughter on a day that started quite overcast and gloomy but turned out sunny and beautiful!

jixu

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #141 on: October 30, 2020, 05:41:51 AM »
Glad to hear of your progress about it not being in your mind (in the unhealthy way you mentioned) all the time.  We need "head space" for all the good stuff, and there is not enough room for the junk!

I have read a few things suggesting that vitamin d (sunlight) might be in some way beneficial in the covid19 fight.  Think about how much was accomplished and obtained by the simple act of taking the walk you mentioned:  fresh air, sunlight, getting away for a bit, great daddy time, and even a little exercise thrown in to boot!  The simple things in life!   

TheNorman

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #142 on: October 30, 2020, 07:27:18 PM »
Jixu you are so right. I love walking and every time I get out for one I am incredibly grateful for that time to be outdoors getting some nice big deep breathes of fresh air in. Looking forward to this weekend and getting some nice walks in the woods in!

Joel

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #143 on: November 03, 2020, 05:22:12 AM »
Still struggling with communicating more just about my thoughts and feelings. I am still too much in my own head. Other than that and typical everyday issues like work, keeping house etc. things are going fine.

The issues of the past in regards to porn being intertwined with sex have receded. "Reboot" isn't just a clever name. My mind feels different. Sex isn't constantly on my mind in an unrealistic and unhealthy way like it used to be.


So true. Abstinence from the bad stuff will heal so much - even the way we think and our trouble communicating.

TheNorman

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #144 on: November 12, 2020, 06:49:06 PM »
I have been on the forum, posting on other peoples boards and not really posting on my own because...there hasn't been anything to post really. I was worried about the US election (as a Canadian it was stressful but not as stressful as being...American). The Covid situation here is getting worse, work is frantic at times. I'm more present, better at communicating, reading lots, getting more exercise. Am I 100% present/an open book/a fitness machine? No. And that's ok, because the places where I'm falling down don't result in me falling all the way to PMO or back to something worse.
Seeing some of you struggle has kept me on my toes. I have definitely felt a bit complacent about where I'm at and your struggles are a constant reminder that there are no days off.

NicksEDProblems

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #145 on: November 12, 2020, 11:08:30 PM »
I think we get caught up in the trap of thinking "I'm a degenerate" and that becomes an excuse to stay down. What's the point of striving for more if you believe you're not worthy of better or that you can't achieve it?
That's 100% true for me. That's where I've been for the past 20 years and now suddenly, I met a girl who's shown me I am worthy of good things in life, so I'm struggling to comprehend this unprecedented turn of events and obsessing in my head causing performance anxiety. I'm on hmm...day 7 over here and the temptation is strong today, but my relationship with her is worth way more than a cheap 'high.' I read some of your other posts here and see that you struggled with obsessive thoughts about sex too. I'm trying to push mine down and it's working, so when me and my g/f talk, she'll mention sex or something and I'll suddenly feel this rush of excitement since thinking about sex is an out-of-nowhere, spur of the moment thought now. I was totally flatlining when I saw her in-person last. Still struggling with the thoughts about ED though once I feel that rush, but I can tell something is happening and working, if only slightly so far. I know I'm not going to beat 20 years of PIED + performance anxiety in a 7 day hardmode nofap, but I think progress is being made.

Keep it up. It's true there are no days off. A simple browse on Facebook can trigger me because today, for some random reason, I got an ad for women's leggings and of course there was a hot chick in the ad wearing very little clothing. That normally would've sent me down to P, but not now and not ever again.

TheNorman

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #146 on: December 01, 2020, 01:53:45 PM »
As I scrolled around on some posts here I realized that this forum often disappoints: If people are posting it's generally because they're struggling. Rarely do people come on here and post to say "Hey, fuckin' killin' it boys!" and let's be honest that would be a bit off, like rubbing it in others faces. It pains me to see others struggle and I am feel like I have good advice but it has not been nearly the same struggle for me and that has made me hesitant to visit or post. I don't want to seem like a know-it-all.

I just wanted to pop in and say thank you again to all those that have read and replied to my posts. WIP, UK, Joel, LIGA, Leo, Rookie, Jixu, Nick. The list goes on and on but all of you have listened to my rants, offered advice, and I know if things do go sideways you'll do your best to help me turn it back around. I haven't been counting the days but July 3 to now is a few! I have struggled at times but I have the tools to make sure that those struggles are dealt with in a better way. I will be checking in more frequently, just to say "hi" or to offer advice on other guys posts. I hope you're all finding things that help you. I'm here if you need to vent/have questions/want to brag.

UKGuy

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #147 on: December 02, 2020, 08:10:06 AM »
Hey Norman, you've never come across as a know all - your humility has always shone through. At the same time there are guys on here that I know are more unlikely than others (including myself) to relapse. I definitely put you in that former category. Whatever your secret is, long may it continue! As for me, I've been fuckin' killin' it for the last fortnight!  :D Struck up a good off line accountability partnership with ShadeTrenicin - it's an approach that I would recommend to anyone and really builds on and enhances the benefits of this community that are sometimes held back by the archaic tech and like of 'real time' communication. Take care.

Joel

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #148 on: December 02, 2020, 12:13:17 PM »
Great stuff, Norm. Though I don't think anyone here begrudges success, they take HOPE from it; that's why there's a whole sub-forum called Success Stories. I'm here more when I struggle, for sure, but it's a downer to be hopeful for others and see them not doing well. I, for one, love a happy post like the one you just posted. Totally understandable though that you don't have much to say because you're beating this habit to a pulp, which is where it belongs.

And on that, great to hear about your progress, Guy! Awesome to see you leaning into the community. The Dobber would approve. Yes, he would.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« Reply #149 on: December 02, 2020, 01:04:50 PM »
I just wanted to pop in and say thank you again to all those that have read and replied to my posts. WIP, UK, Joel, LIGA, Leo, Rookie, Jixu, Nick. The list goes on and on but all of you have listened to my rants, offered advice, and I know if things do go sideways you'll do your best to help me turn it back around. I haven't been counting the days but July 3 to now is a few! I have struggled at times but I have the tools to make sure that those struggles are dealt with in a better way. I will be checking in more frequently, just to say "hi" or to offer advice on other guys posts. I hope you're all finding things that help you. I'm here if you need to vent/have questions/want to brag.

I massively appreciate all of your contributions, mate. You're always "rock star" helpful. You really help me. Please don't feel bad.... not even for one second.... that you're winning.