The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[LetItGoAlready]

Harp - Putting down the phone and being more present sounds like solid plan to me. We're so used to distracting ourselves and not being in the moment. It can be very telling when we allow ourselves to be fully absorbed in something and realize how much joy we're getting from it.  I'm glad you were able to be in the moment with this movie. Wishing you many more such moments in the future.

[harpoon]

Thank you guys

I read posts on here and really get an outside perspective of my own situation. I've wrote the - why do  I feel like shit post, the why do I have no energy post, the I can't get an erection with my girlfriend post. I get it, I've tried everything to keep porn in my life, much improved diet and plenty of exercise but I think that if I just gave up porn it would probably be more beneficial.

So why do I watch porn?.. hmmm at the beginning I was just a horny teenager, then I guess it just took over, it felt good. I've learned to use porn to regulate my mood. Hungover - watch porn. Can't sleep - watch porn. Lonely - watch porn. Feel good - watch porn. Bored - watch porn. But at a certain point in time I didn't want to pmo I just couldn't stop.  I feel like shit after pmo and say to myself never again, never again.

With lockdown things changed. I walked away from work, I knew I was fucked, I was exhausted from porn and I needed to regroup, but in this instance regrouping meant something  different. Instead of one pmo every night, I upped the ante and could fap to porno three times a day, maybe fifteen gaps per week (why am I exhausted eh?)

For me at least, fapping to porn like this has detrimental affects on my mental health, my mood plummets and I fold like origami. I tell myself that I'll go back to one per day but c'mon two days later and I'm back to my old tricks.

What if I just gave up? What would I be missing? The daily dose of this is great but it's actually just a shit lie.

Anyway these are just my thoughts tonight





 

[harpoon]

By the time I realized porn was causing issues in my life, I  realize now I was way past being hooked on it. It took a long time to admit the addiction, still sometimes I pretend I can have a little bit, but I can't.

I'm mr binge. One or two days off porn and I feel great, but I always have that look that triggers days of bingeing.

I feel broken, I feel like shit, and it's from porn.

The joy is gone, the laughter is gone, being real is gone, being me is gone. Plugging along trying to survive is getting more difficult. It seems easy to turn to porn for some relief.

   I remember being referred to a psychologist when I was around 20 years old. I was depressed. I was basically drinking and smoking to much but porn had also started to take hold. I was asked all this questions but I do remember mentioning that I thought I had a bad porn habit. I remember the psychologist totally brushing this comment aside, like I had just told a joke and after that I didn't give it much either.

My point... I guess deep down I did know, but Gollum, my precious and all that, 22 years later still feel like shit.

   I'm trying to get back to work asap. There's just too much time and temptation for me at the moment, I need some structure to my life.

  Anyway just some thoughts for the day. Peace.

[LetItGoAlready]

I'm mr binge. One or two days off porn and I feel great, but I always have that look that triggers days of bingeing.

Harp - Many people fall into the trap of thinking that they are uniquely defective, untreatable, destined for failure in overcoming this habit.... I get it. I've been there myself. We start to identify with this part of ourselves that remains stuck, and we call ourselves names. What we end up doing, though, is convincing ourselves that we are alone in this, which is simply not true. There are a 1,000 Mr. Binges in this community! You are not alone in that regard.  And out there in the great big world beyond this community there are tens of thousands more. Sadly, some of those people are resigned to being a Mr. Binge forever and will never do anything about it. But that's not you, is it? You're here reaching out for help and understanding, which you're getting from other Mr. Binges who are stuck and trying to move forward just like you are.

My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to cut yourself some slack and untether your identify from this habit you are neither alone in fighting nor cursed to live with forever. Many people here started as Mr. Binge but have made significant progress in their recoveries. Take heart in that, and believe that could be your future, too.

Wishing you well, friend.

[harpoon]

Thank you LetitGoAlready;)

I actually went 1-day without porn. I felt great tbh full of energy. I did my Christmas shopping, went for a coffee, and did a few roof repairs in the lashing rain (i actually like the rain lol) then I lifted weights and ordered a take-away.

Today was good.

[harpoon]

So there has to be a reason to quit porn. What are mine? Is it vanity? I have a swollen stomach and I'm convinced it's from pmo. Hormonal I guess. But that's not enough of a reason. What about missing out on life, not bring present and not bring the best version of myself that I can be hmmm that'll do it.

I did pmo yesterday. After two days of no porn, I pmo. At least I gave my body a brief rest. That's a positive.

I made the mistake of drinking a lot of alcohol the second night and the next day with a hangover I seemed very compulsive and tbh I didn't give a sh*t.

So I'll go again, but this time no alcohol.

[harpoon]

I'm gonna make this quick as I want to lift some weights.

Now, as there is no doubt I'm a porn addict, I don't need to cover 'my hopeless devotion' to do it.

I'm going to talk my side effects.
- INSOMNIA
- Anxiety
- OCD thoughts
- muscle loss and fat gain (especially belly area)
- no morning wood ever

They are the top 5 (sounds great , counting down the top 5.) The reason I know that they are my side effects is that when I quit pmo they all but went away, although the insomnia wasn't as bad it was still present.

I gained muscle easily and lost fat as less stress, more testosterone.

And it all makes sense to me.

But I just wanted to post and to try and get back on the right path. It's tough to get those first few days on the board but I want to get back up.

[workinprogressUK]

I'm going to talk my side effects.
- INSOMNIA
- Anxiety
- OCD thoughts
- muscle loss and fat gain (especially belly area)
- no morning wood ever

I'm ticking a lot of boxes when I read those, Harpoon. Most of them resonate. I lost muscle but also lost a lot of bodyfat when in PMO mode. Describing the reasons behind that might be a bit "triggery" for some guys, so I won't share. Insomnia - because my head was stewing with "brain porn" and unable to settle. Anxiety because I felt guilty and I lived in constant fear of being caught-out. OCD thoughts because I had a one-track mind on P. Lots of reasons in that list not to go back out there, right? Life is so much more productive for me when I'm off P. Hope it stays that way for you, and you see gainz in every facet of your non-P life.

[harpoon]

Thanks for reply WIPUK I knew these side effects were from porn but having some1 else identify with them makes it seem a stronger connection.

  Well I went a night without pmo. It was ok, I did at times wonder why I wasn't fapping at watching porn but I held tough and did not give in.

Today tbh I have strong urges and I feel in a kind of a haze.

In my mind I was going to wake up from a great nights sleep , feel awesome and go somewhere and be great ' alas I can't say I feel like shit, but I can't say I feel like a god, it's a kind of meh feeling, which is ok.

I realize tonight will be tough. I can feel the chaser feeling, an urge,  a tempting draw to return but that horrible downer feeling once pmo is complete and a distended stomach isn't where I want to be anymore.

I never put pressure on myself to rack up days porn free, I just try to give it a go and won't be too hard on myself if I fail.

Anyway time for a run

[harpoon]

So last night I went for a run. After two-nights without porn I could finally breathe. My hometown  is basically on a hill so halfway thru my run I ran downhill  to the lowest point in town, turned around and ran uphill to the highest point I could find, which was 1,3km uphill. I had so much energy, it felt great tbh.
 After my shower, i washed my face and as i looked in the mirror i saw a brief twinkle come from my eye. For awhile after my run I felt completely content within myself. Eventually urges returned and I spent the night tossing and turning and felt like crap in the morning.

   In the back of my mind I thought I could offset the side effects of my porn addiction with a healthy diet and an active lifestyle but I was fooling myself trying everything I could to keep porn in my life.

 I have been exhausted after edging for 3hours but I could always still muster the energy for the third pmo of the night. The next day I would have avocado toast and a poached egg thinking I had beat the system. Aren't I great.

3hrs edging, seven days per week, why am I tired? Why can't I sleep? Why? Why? Why?

But I am three days clean and if nothing else it is a rest for my body and mind, so I will take the little positives rather than look at the larger picture right now.

[harpoon]

I'm 4 days porn free, and as Llyod Christmas would say "suck me sideways" (I'm Irish, we make light of everything

[harpoon]

...but all joking aside, I do feel like I'm holding on to the side of a cliff my my fingertips and I feel very vulnerable to saying "fuck it," that's bring 100% honest.

My body feels like it's in a high stress mode, but I'm not going to dwell on it, if I can make a week it will be a small victory in my eyes.

[SerenityWisdomCourage]

Hi Harpoon, 
You can do this... We can do this... for one hour, or just for today.

Know this; You are not alone and this community cares about you and wants to see you succeed.
Your struggle is my struggle too...

All the best

[harpoon]

   Thanks for the kind words of encouragement SerenityWisdomCourage

   Tonight I put on my running gear and went outside to run my 5km route. I felt tired, or to be brutally honest fn exhausted from the last 4-days of basically no sleep. As much as I love the buzz from running I decided that I was just too tired and maybe it would be more beneficial just to walk the 5km. When I returned home I made something to eat and now I have to say I feel very relaxed. This may be a strategy going forward, evening was rather than evening runs.

   Anyway I'm still on course for a week and will try keep myself busy over the next few days.

[harpoon]

I just don't get it anymore. My libido has plummeted and the only reason I would fap to porn now is to lift my mood as I feel flat as a potato pancake, or just the sheer boredom of it all.
 

[workinprogressUK]

I just don't get it anymore. My libido has plummeted and the only reason I would fap to porn now is to lift my mood as I feel flat as a potato pancake, or just the sheer boredom of it all.

You've been through this before, Harpoon, haven't you? We both know the shape of the early days in recovery, when the drug we've been hosing our brains with has its tap rudely and abruptly turned off. You'll feel flat as that pancake for a while. We always do. Hopefully recovery will matter to you more than getting a fix, because you will start to feel better soon if you can hold on, mate. Hoping you can make it stick!

[harpoon]

Than you for the words of encouragement workinprogressuk

I need a bit vent today, so read of you want but it's not good.

So as I sat at my desk, uploading songs to itunes I had a thought - "I finally know why ppl blow their fn heads off." Its not the first time i've haf this thought. Lately my thoughts have become very irradict. My mood alternates between extreme highs and extreme lows, and to be completely fn honest I feel like I'm a bystander in my own life, watching it go down the fn drain.

I don't really want to cover old ground, but I didn't realise that the high from viewing porn was an addiction until I found this website and realised then what I was actually doing and it all made sense, unfortunately I was hooked.

I know the path forward is to walk away...I know the rewards are awesome...l know I will have a better life...I know all this.

There will always be an end, may be not even your choice but I've done enough damage and I do want yo heal. I can't commit to 90-days, 7-days or whatever, I can only do one day at a time.

I can only try, even if it's just for today, that would be something.

I'm paraphrasing here, but I remember a scene from Alien 3 "how do you want it? Standing tall, or on you fn knees begging for mercy?!"

Harpoon

[harpoon]

So I completed one day. Hand on my heart I didn't view anything sexual stimulating. Sleep was terrible but I did manage a few hours and I have to say for whatever reason I felt more content and at ease with myself than I have felt in awhile. I felt more manly. More alive. More energetic. I will go for a run s shortly just to try and tire myself out.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that i actually feel better, I mean if anything with that kind of fapping routine you would be exhausted.

Today was good.