The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[Artemus]

I have to give this one more real go.

I'm in the same boat, but we soldier on.

[TheNorman]

There is no "real go". You're either working or you're not. The fact that you're here means you're thinking about improving your life by rebooting and that means you're working. Don't let your lapses define you or your work. Take each one of them as a sign that there is something else to refine on your path and keep working armed with that new adjustment. Eventually you will start taking bigger steps. You can do this!

[harpoon]

I remember when I rebooted for about 4-months (with one weeks relapse about two-months in.) I felt great. I was fit. I was fearless. I had an aura. Women were interested 100%, I had more luck, it was fun, morning wood and live was good.  I was unstoppable..well then what the fuck am I doing here again?!

Once I relapsed it was like meh that was ok, I can pick this up again. Next night hmmm that was good, next night, maybe a two-hour edge sesh will suffice.

Its a slow process but I know the body and mind heals.

[harpoon]

Tbh  I feel like shit......but I can say that I am 1-day porn free

[UKGuy]

Keep positive Harpoon and putting one foot in front of the other.
What are your learnings from the last slip? What does your plan look like? Is there anything you can do to strengthen it? Just the process of identifying these areas to focus on will make you feel better. Then following them in your day to day life will help move you away from the clutches of PMO.
Stay strong my friend.

[harpoon]

Thanks UKGuy my current plan is to give my body a break. I had plenty of energy today. I ran a 5k on the beach and went swimming! I felt great tbh.

There is a longing for porn. A donkey and a carrot springs to mind.

Porn always seems like a great idea until it's not.

[harpoon]

Let's be honest (a new concept for me at this point.) I'm struggling and just trying to hold on. I'm a fraud. I'd sooner destroy my life than give up porn, always looking for the work around, a way to keep porn but have normality in life. It can't be done. I don't even know what I'm looking for with this anymore.

At this point I think I just watch porn to feel normal for awhile. Is jacking off to porn really worth all this pain? No.

I ran 18miles yesterday. I normally do 3miles but my brother was running an ironman and o joined in for the marathon. Anyway 18miles, I felt epic, I felt part of something, I paced my brother and tried to motivate him, delighted with myself. Once the dust had settled and when I returned home, PORN, the emptiness returned.

My problem giving up porn is that within a few days I feel great and porn seems like a great idea. I used to drink myself in oblivion but when porn took hold, I would much prefer porn and would stop drinking early in a night so I could get my buzz from porn.

This post doesn't really have a point, it's just venting, it helps me live as me for a brief moment.

[3rdprecept]

You're not a fraud or a failure---you are an addict like the rest of us here.  I once heard a saying that has stuck with me for years.  "No one knows loneliness like and addict in the grip of despair." 

The fact is there is power in surrender and accepting the truth and sharing that truth with others who understand.

We understand you. Stick with this to give your mind time to heal.

[harpoon]

So last night I didn't pmo and I slept ok. I had a healthy breakfast and was lifting weights by 10am. Wtf!

I did watch a couple of youtube videos about fapping and testosterone, which led on to videos about androgen receptors. It interesting stuff.

I have always noticed that I bulk up and become leaner on nofap. Anyway look it up, apparently all this overstimulation will deplete androgen receptors. There is far more going on than just high/low testosterone levels.

But anyway, this isn't a science lesson. I didn't fap to porn last night, and that is pretty fn epic, and for a bonus point, I had the place to myself yesterday and chose not to look at porn.

[harpoon]

A couple of months ago I finished up at work. I was offered a position further across the country but I declined as I thought that I needed some time to get my head together, which I did. However, being out of work, well I wonder if I really didn't just orchestrate all this so I would have time alone. Is this addiction this powerful?

I've really ran myself into the ground. I do enjoy exercise, and I run maybe 30-40km per week, cycle 50km per week and lift some weights too but it seems it's all getting too much.

I guess I thought it was a "cheat," perhaps a way to keep porn in my life.... I'll just train a lot, I mean if I look good, maybe I can have it all. Not so.

There is no substitute for one-day clean. "Nothing compares to you." One-day, in that day, in that moment there is only one-day. You can rack up as many days as you want but it's all about today and what you do. (Just a little note to myself.)

If your here, I guess your an addict like me. I was going to write about my porn consumption but this isn't a competition. It doesn't matter how much porn we watch or how long our porn binges are, we need to give it ALL up.

Last week I went two-days with no porn...but once i tripped my brain made up for those two lost days, I now feel nothing. I know this passes.

The remorse of a porn junkie.

[LetItGoAlready]

However, being out of work, well I wonder if I really didn't just orchestrate all this so I would have time alone. Is this addiction this powerful?

Harpoon-Yes, through the power of rationalization, we can convince ourselves of just about anything to keep P in our lives. Whether or not that was actually your intention when you passed on the job, it's clear that having more alone time is not doing you any favors. Or wearing yourself out with exercise.  Lean in to those thoughts and ask yourself if there's something you can do differently that will yield better results.

Recovery is all about experimentation. It's about trying new things until you find the formula that works best for you. So, now that you know these things aren't working for you, try something different. Something that gets you out of your routine and closes those "back doors" you've kept open in your mind.

No need for remorse -  or name calling, my junkie friend. Just keep trying and don't give up, no matter what happens.

[workinprogressUK]

The remorse of a porn junkie.

I've fallen over enough times not to get on a soap box and we all know it's difficult to stay clean. But attaching so many negative words, like "junkie" to yourself will only perpetuate a negative mindset and self-image, and the outcome will most likely be negative. You have the power to choose. We all have that power. Because of the ways we've focused our brains in the past, guys like you and me have a bit less power and we find it more difficult to make the healthy choice, and our brain layout and chemistry now pushes us to take unhealthy actions, and kid ourselves that we're doing the right thing. But please try to look for the positives in the world and most importantly in yourself. Focus on those. It's taken mental and moral strength to come here and try to divert yourself from harmful behaviour and every time you do that instead of choosing P, you heal yourself a little more. You're trying to take the right course and the right decisions. Like you say - it's all about the decisions you take today. I really hope you can see the positivity and courage in yourself and make today's decisions healthy ones. Wishing you strength!

[harpoon]

I feel disconnected from myself lately. Fapping every night and getting feck all sleep. In the morning i can generally get my sh^t together (after coffee or course) and go for a run or cycle (sometimes both,) and to be honest I normally feel pretty good.

Night time comes around again and the desire to fap returns. Now good or bad, I can fap to a sexy newsreader, or tv presenter, or if that doesn't work I have a list of fav actresses and their scenes which will get the job done. Ready for another day....

Slowly I hit rock bottom. I remember being off this and the difference is day and night.

I don't know why I'm here tbh. I wish I hadn't ever wandered down this path.

[LetItGoAlready]

I feel disconnected from myself lately. Fapping every night and getting feck all sleep. In the morning i can generally get my sh^t together (after coffee or course) and go for a run or cycle (sometimes both,) and to be honest I normally feel pretty good.

Night time comes around again and the desire to fap returns. Now good or bad, I can fap to a sexy newsreader, or tv presenter, or if that doesn't work I have a list of fav actresses and their scenes which will get the job done. Ready for another day....

Slowly I hit rock bottom. I remember being off this and the difference is day and night.

I'm sorry to hear that, Harpoon. I know that feeling of being disconnected and out of control. It's not a good feeling.

I heard the Dobber (of Porn-Free Radio) say something this morning that really struck a chord with me; maybe it will with you, too. He said - and I'm paraphrasing big time here - that the emotional pain that most PAs struggle with can't be resolved only with exercise and the stuff we do on our own to make ourselves feel better. It's relational pain that comes from a lack of connection and not getting our needs met in a healthy way. When we don't have that connection and aren't getting our needs met, that's when we get ourselves into trouble and act out with P.

So, it sounds like you've got the exercise part down, and it's helping you to feel good about yourself. Great! What are you doing for the part of you that feels "disconnected"? I know this all sounds like a lot of new agey BS, but if you're falling into the same trap every night and plunging towards bottom, there's definitely a part of you that isn't getting what it needs from your daily self-care routine of coffee, exercise, and whatever else.

I don't know why I'm here tbh. I wish I hadn't ever wandered down this path.

The fact that you're there but also here on this forum... I believe that speaks to who you really are. It's clearly not okay with you that you're fapping every night, or otherwise you wouldn't be here trying to figure your way out of this situation. Maybe the way forward is to come here more. Instead of feeling disconnected and fapping the night away, consider coming here to connect with other people who are dealing with the same kind of issues. People who can help you work through this, who you can be accountable to, and who can probably use your help just as much as you can use theirs.

I hope things start to get better for you. I really do. Take care, friend.

[harpoon]

Thank you so much for your reply

It's true about the exercise though, i run and it makes me feel great but it has never replaced porn...that is something else.

But y'know it all starts with a decision to try. Let's give today a go.

[harpoon]

Well I completed one day. That was one of  the longest nights of my life, I think I finally got to sleep around 4am but still as crap as I feel, it was worth it.

[harpoon]

So this morning I went for a cycle, nothing unusual as every second day or so I will generally cycle, but here's the thing, I had way more ENERGY, my heart rate was lower than usual and I could breathe with ease. Normally the hills require more effort but it was so easy today.

In the afternoon I did a few hours work and then decided to go for a run to ke rep myself busy. Halfway around my normal 5km route there is a pretty steep incline, I normally run the top half of the hill but I ran to the bottom of the hill tonight to turn around and run the full length of the hill! 

I guess my body is so ran down from porn even a brief respise from pmo has done my body some good.

It was good to feel great for awhile, it reminded me of how it can and should feel to  be alive



 

[harpoon]

"I want it all, and I want it now." This is true. I have urges right now. Manageable? But rather than sit here and wonder if I can not watch porn, I know I can go for a walk. Simple.

[LetItGoAlready]

Hi Harp - I wanted to give you props for coming here 4x in the past couple of days. Good job! Sounds like you're doing all the right things to stay on top of your urges. Have you given any more thought to the "connection" issue from your post a few days ago? Have you ever seen this TED Talk? https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong. Highly recommend it if you haven’t seen it already. Take care.

[harpoon]

 Thank you, I will have  a look at this today

[harpoon]

So I went back to porn. I won't call it a relapse 2/3 days porno free is just a little break in my eyes.

Anyway I want to get some things off my chest...

I can't sugar coat this...suicide has entered my mind the last week. I have been depressed on and off for years now (porno induced I'm sure) but this seems different. The irony is that it seems the only thing that makes it anyway more bearable is porn.

This is hard to say but I remember in my distant past a "priest." This "priest" was later convicted of paedophilia. Anyway I remember an incident where this priest was seeing students for their first holly communion. We (my classmates and i) were all in church with out parents/guardians. One by one in front of everyone in the church the student would go up and sit on the priests knee, y'know big fat priest trying to be like a father Christmas figure, anyway I remember this dude was basically rubbing his penis off of our hips while we each took a turn to sit on his lap.

This guy was notorious in my town but thankfully as he cased my parents house, my mother knew he was "wrong" and wouldn't leave any of us alone with him.

I don't know why I had to say that, I just did.

Anyway that's just something I remember. I never felt abused, I just knew as a child that was wrong.

I'm not making excuses for my porn addiction either,  but I think that maybe I started mo as a way of coping with anxiety.

[Gabe Deem]

Hey Harpoon,

It is great to get things off your chest. Let it all out. Nobody is perfect and this community knows that just as good as anyone. You're not alone. Many of us here have experienced suicidal ideation, me included.

What if I never decided to make that first YouTube vid, or start this site? What if I never had that first conversation with a buddy opening up about my struggle that changed my life forever?. As long as you have breath in your lungs you have something to give to this world. Even if it is this very post, that caught my attention at a coffee shop because I, too, have been in a very bad place mentally this past month, and made me focused on doing something positive today.

Life is never about where we are, but about where we desire to be and where we're heading. Trajectory. You're learning, journaling, trying to reach a goal... you're already successful. You've gained insight, wisdom, life experience that can benefit others with each and every journal post or conversation you have in real life. Life is messy, but there is beauty in the mess.

Know that I'm rooting for you today my man. I believe in you. And I know it sucks, and feels impossible at times. But, there is always hope. Just take it one small thing at a time. One day at a time.

You got this. Hope the best for you today. Much love.

[Joel]

I've felt that low too, Harpoon. For me, porn took away my ability to feel joy for anything (else). I could feel the joy receptors in my brain just fizzled out. And after too much porn, even that didn't work anymore. Abstaining from porn wasn't the total answer - I had to start replacing that old 'friend' will something good. I feel I have, but still struggle.

They say the opposite to addiction is connection - is there anyone you can connect to and talk to? Paid listeners included - it's a process that can really help.

[harpoon]

Thank you Gabe and thank you Joel your words of encouragement will help me through today.

  Just a quick note -  last night I watched a movie. Now I've watched 1000s of movies but last night I put my phone down and I immersed myself in this movie (rather than viewing Facebook photos pretending I'm watching y'know) but anyhow, it was the original BLADERUNNER which I've "watched" before but didnt understand but now after paying attention i can confirm Deckard is a replicant

But all messing aside, you're not really here if you are somewhere else. I'm going to put my phone down more often and be in the present.

[jixu]

Glad you enjoyed the movie-I still haven't seen that one yet!  I know what you mean about being in the present-that is hard for me sometimes as I tend to create future scenarios in my mind that never even happen, and thus miss out on what I could have enjoyed at the time.  Stay in touch and keep at it-take care!