Author Topic: Butterflies  (Read 702 times)

Gideon

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Butterflies
« on: June 03, 2020, 09:56:17 AM »
Heyy guys I'm excited my journey to quit my addiction led me here, I've gone through some of the posts here and I find the both educational and encouraging. Thanks to kopp for showing me how to create a journal. I choose the topic 'butterflies' because it is a symbol of happiness to me.

Here is my struggle, I've been hooked on Porn and Masturbation for 10 years now, before then P and M were just words I use to hear, then they became worlds that I was lost in, through these times I've had to be deceitful to hide and cover up my actions so that I  don't get into problems with my family and friends, I lied about my tiredness, procrastination and lethargy, I felt ashamed of how they will look at me if I came out clean and I still do, yet my addiction was clearly the cause problems no matter how I tried to cover it up. I was raised In a religious home so the guilt I felt was more. I felt pleasure while I engaged in the act, but the guilt, shame, tiredness and sadness afterwards was more, I've tried to quit on my own but the relapse was disappointing. I also developed a habit of using alcohol so this made easier for me to watch P and M freely, I started having issues with alcohol use too namely, hangovers, stomach ulcers, loosing control and making irrational decisions.
I recently moved away from home and the consequences of my addiction became even more glaring, I began to slip up at work and make serious mistakes, my boss could notice my lack of initiative, an unwillingness to learn, my deceit, social anxiety, low self esteem. I have been threatened to be fired die to my inability to perform properly at my duties. My addiction has also caused distance with my family members due to the fact that I'm always isolated and prefer to be alone.

I have taken a decision to quit porn, masturbation and alcohol, I have made a plan to change the people, places and things that make it easy for me to use. I have been 10 days clean, and I don't know how challenging it is going to get, but I am going to take one step at a time. I'm also using the '12-steps' used by alcoholic anonymous as a recovery guide and several other helpful resources i got from a rehab.

Sorry for the lengthy post, thank you for this platform, one day at a time, I will cultivate my garden, and my 'butterflies' will settle on my shoulder.

Furquim

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Re: Butterflies
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2020, 12:04:47 AM »
Hi, Gideon. Welcome!

I think I know the issues you're talking about.  I've grown up in a religious family and I am actually religious too. So I frequently faced the the fact of the possibility of being double-faced or hypocrite and it has left me down. Porn make us to do that, living in lie. I tried to stop pmoing but I didn't have tools to approach, so I fall in the very addictive intermittent porn use, which I would suggest you to be aware of (it's described on YBOP website). But now I'm making significant progress with the help of this website, and I'm sure you will do so.

Best wishes for your reboot.
See you soon!

Gideon

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Re: Butterflies
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2020, 04:00:17 AM »
Thank you Furquim, I really appreciate this.

Gideon

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Re: Butterflies
« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2020, 12:08:55 PM »
Day 33.
I have a stronger spiritual connection. I feel intense cravings to have sex, I feel tired but I also feel better with less guilt and I have more mental energy to Carry out tasks, I'm more alert and focused at work and I'm taking my workouts and computer programming more seriously. But at this moment all I'm feeling is a craving to have sex or masturbate, I hope that taking a cold shower and taking a walk will help. I'll keep you guys posted, thanks for being a supportive community!

Gideon

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Re: Butterflies
« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2020, 12:18:13 PM »
I relapsed on day 33, i feel bad although i'm trying to have a different attitude towards relapse its difficult, i hope to get back and try again! because i felt really happy, free and clean without it

Sanders

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Re: Butterflies
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2020, 03:10:40 AM »
Hey Gideon,

Too bad about your relapse but you made it 33 days! That's a number that many people here struggle to achieve so consider it an accomplishment! I hope you'll find the time to come here more often and write about your journey, that's what really helps a lot in my opinion. Have you found out what caused you to relapse? It's good to know so you'll be better prepared to avoid that next time.

33 days is a great start, the longer the better :)

steadyrock

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Re: Butterflies
« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2020, 01:13:03 PM »
Hello Gideon,

Despite the relapse you did well. And you are still on it! Dont give up because you are still on it! You dont have enough reason to give up! Its part of the journey, you are already doing well. Keep going. I would suggest to you to learn how could be more in touch with your self. By learning a specific type of meditation... like vipassana. It has alot of things that can benefit us. Also, physical exercise is very good for the brain. There is a book called "Spark" by John Ratey that speaks about the effects of exercise on the brain, and there is a section solely dedicated to cure addiction. John Ratey says that to help people to recover from addiction its advisable to do exercise daily for at least half an hour. I have already tried it and its real, it works.

Good luck man, be brave!
We are the result of our own doing.