nofap journal

[Joel]

Thanks, Guy, glad to hear it. God, I yearn for the days that we can experience negative feelings, and the idea of self-medicating won't be appealing to us!

Another flat day yesterday. Binged on some sugar and listened to a lot of porn free radio. Dobber said something interesting about his obesity, about creating good disciplines, but then falling back into his bad, obese lifestyle. He asked, ‘do you have ‘obesity’ habits? Do you feel obese? Eg is your fitness regime falling away and therefore you feel sluggish and unmotivated? Are you too lazy/ fatigued to do the things you want to do?’ That really hit home for me. I was chugging sugar, had no energy, I felt obese, although I’m lucky I’ve never had a weight problem. I want to shake things up, though I realise I’m overcoming a life-long addiction that's got a hold of my mood and brain circuitry, and the biggest gift to myself not is to ride discomfort, be patient and develop a small daily writing habit.

Dobber joined a mastermind group to deal with his weight - accountability and community. And so then I was inspired to join a writing course – not cheap, quite a commitment – it would be the Day 60 gift to myself. (after 60 days sobriety, I may be in more of a position to actually be creative and concentrate, too). A great extra motivator to not let myself slip.

What excited me was that I was excited by this, yes excited by my own excitement.

Dobber asked – what do you want from life? and when people reply with a number (ie – '90 days of no porn'), he says – that’s not enough, this is a life you’re looking to create.  So to have the creative goal of finishing my book and writing more seems perfect, because that’s exactly what I want to replace my porn habit with. That's who I want to become.

There was another key moment – he shared the quote – you become an expert in anything by putting ten-thousand hours in. In the context of trying to quit porn, that quote is so pertinent on so many levels.

Feeling flat today again, but I’m going to push myself to hit my minimum goals. Stay strong guys

[Joel]

(later in the day)

Streaks still going, except I'm back to 0 on 'skirting'... managed to avoid full on relapse though.

Boy, just had a close call. Again, this fogginess/ fatigue dominates me and I gave up on my daily goals. Body aches and a headache, and perhaps too easily I cry surrender instead of enduring the discomfort of pushing against it. doing nothing productive, getting bored, a couple semi-triggering things appeared on my radar, I ended up reading a few lines of erotic literature, and scanned a website of things I could download (this isn’t video-porn, the voice says, you can get a little high, calm down, and move on). Damn, the electric current surging through me, how under control I was, I felt like puppet having its strings pulled.

But there was enough of that other pull to get me out of there, arguing self-talk – ‘Do you think you can just dip in and find your way back so easily?’ and I used a handy trick – can’t remember if I read it somewhere: ‘This urge is a 9, it’s so strong; I want to turn it down to a 4.’ I wrote out some ideas – walk, listen to some nofap audio, relax, read the notes I made from the Jay stringer book. I walked, and listened to a little music, then found a spot to sit outside and read those really helpful notes. ‘What P did you want? What was the narrative? Try to resolve that puzzle.’ It was all quite simple, ‘I want that, because I have these emotions, and this is happening in my life...’ it gave the fetish less power.

Lesson learned from all this... recovery doesn’t come from sitting around, journaling and consuming content. It comes from the man in the arena, who sweats, who develops enthusiasms, devotions, he who pushes against discomfort and gets busy! Tomorrow I'll hit my morning routine, then hit my goals!

[jixu]

Glad to hear you were able to salvage the situation after that close call-be careful about playing around on the periphery!  Hope you are able to get an exercise plan going again that suits your interests and situation.  Anyway, best wishes moving forward in the battle!     

[mr.slurps]

Hiya Pal,  My relapses (today will however be a clean #3, tiny streak going) caused me to self-isolate. It's kind of a wimpy thing to do. Like I'm feeling sorry for myself and being a sniffling excuse for a human being.
So I am forcing myself to get out of my crib and your journal was the top of the list so you're my first "victim" haha. And I'm not going to let this opportunity go by w/out teasing you a bit. (evil Mr. Slurp is back to his old ways, lol)
Re-reading an early entry you said you were going to make a list of all the dumb things you say and do. So it occurred to me that that would be longer than your real book. (For me it would be longer than "War and Peace".) Are you still working on that tome of dumbness? Ok, I got my teasing out of my system.
Now it's time to give you a genuine compliment on your progress.
And the other thing I noted re your journal is how many good things you've instituted. Man, if even 1/3 have become positive habits, you've done yeoman's work.
The lesson I gleaned is that you can't take on too many good pursuits b/c even if some go by the wayside, you've got some that didn't.

[Joel]

30+ days no PM
Day 2 - no skirting
Day 0 - no sex with porn fantasy

Thanks jixu and Slurps. No-energy phase has passed and am getting back into the exercise! And goodness, I have written novels worth of nofap notes. If we don't give up and keep working on ourselves, we have to beat a soul-sucking addiction at some point!

Disclosure of one dumb moment. On Friday, I went back to the erotic literature website, this time I read a few paragraphs before pulling back. I’ve blocked this website now, and have had a day clean from it. I’ve journaled and processed the slip, don’t think it will be an issue anymore.

I’m looking forward to day 40. I’ve reached this goal a few times and feel like it’s the next level. There’s less of an addictive pull. ‘You have to indulge, you have to indulge!’ What causes a slip for me at this stage is dealing with real life and real emotions; so I have memories of saying, ‘I’d rather go back to the addiction than deal with these feelings.’ So it’s more of a choice, and I’m looking forward to this challenge – it’s much better than the sheer addiction withdrawal and resisting of the first 40 days of a streak.

I’ve fallen into the habit of having sex with my wife (3 days running). Trying to resist fantasy; I’ve had varying degrees of success. I’ve been thinking about the experiences, and think I’m making process. all a bit long-winded and complicated to go into right now, but as it’s such a central component of recovery, I’m sure I’ll go into it at some point (unless I start writing and realise it’s all very inappropriate). Have a great day all!

[UKGuy]

Well done Joel. I guess the next stage is to isolate the trigger before it leads to the skirting behaviour. You have a good degree of self control as once I start at the thin end of the wedge (fantasy, literature, swimsuits! etc), I more often than not escalate, even if it takes 24-48hrs, so identification and distraction techniques at the outset have been really helpful to me. I think the added issue with the skirting is that it does keep a background level of dopamine in your brain which is beneficial to eliminate.
The fantasy when having sex with your wife subject is an interesting one. I think you have alluded in the past to the fact that the specific type of fantasies you have are not particularly wholesome? Is that the concern here, or are you just trying to avoid external/artificial stimulation?
Enjoy your Sunday and take care.

[mr.slurps]

Hi Joel,  We just come from different points of view. I think making love to your wife (even w/ some fantasy involved) is a source of pride. I'm jealous I don't have such opportunity. Like UK, I wonder what it is that's bugging you re it.
The thing is, for me, it's just morbid curiosity. (probably not appropriate when supporting someone here lol)
I'm paying more and more attention to UK's approach of preparation/strategy.  I'm not sure I'm wired that way. Maybe you are.
It seems you've already taken the first step- awareness. I admit I'm not yet able to form a strategy to combat the triggers. I'm just hoping to be aware of them.
Whatever you're doing, keep it up, it seems to be working.

[Joel]

Hi Slurps, I think you misunderstand. I do want to ‘make love’ to my wife, and my goal is not abstinence. Because P has been such a regular part of my lifestyle, I’m now unable to have sex without porn-fantasy flooding my brain, then I have urges to porn-relapse– and this has been a pattern for me for the last few years of attempted recovery. I just edited my last post to say ‘no sex with porn fantasy’ to make that clear. I’m attempting ‘make love’ to my wife, not using her to selfishly get off while playing porn films in my head.

And Guy, yes. The content of the fantasy does disturb me. like most of us with our P consumption, it escalates to something we’re not comfortable with. I have a lot of shame around this, but will try to be open about it...

I spent a lot of Sunday transcribing my written notes from the Stringer book – so I have them on Evernote and can reread them. It really made me quite excited, as I believe I have the root cause of my problems clarified; I really want to share that excitement with someone – so I guess I’m sharing it with you guys.

Okay – here’s some of my issue processing... this may be triggering for some.

I have an aggressive-P fetish.

Stringer: Be curious instead of this-is-unwanted; this could be your key. your fantasy isn’t evil/ shameful. Have compassion for yourself. Bless your desires and allow them to mature. Outgrow that adolescent sexuality. Own the shallow patterns of arousal and the less addictive they become/ power they have.

A rigid, strict family can cause an aggression fetish. We turn the tables on our past.

We also watch aggressive P cos we don’t have that control in life; we’re not the centre of it all. we want women to be submissive cos in our lives we feel submissive to so much. Recently, I felt so submissive simply to my fatigue. I was too tired to do anything and it was very frustrating and even triggering.

Explore trauma and your sexual narratives:

One big trauma has always been central to my sexuality. I had an awful break up years ago. This girlfriend, I lived with, we were together a long time, she was very sexy and very nice. Then many bad things happened at once, members of my family died, I lost my job, and she suddenly became cold and mean and broke up with me, and said awful things about my family, and we lived in her place, so I was kicked out of my home too.

So I felt like a victim and this hate I have for her was part of my sexual narrative. But I journaled and thought rationally about her. For one thing, I was partly to blame. Eg I was unfaithful, so when she stuck the proverbial knife in me, it was because of how I’d hurt her. I mourned the loss of her sexuality and the ‘groovy', boho life we had together, and felt entitled to it.
 
Actually, porn poisoned our relationship, so if I should have hate/ aggressive feelings to anything, it should be towards porn and the acting of PMO’ing.

Wow, long post - well, it felt long. Thanks anyone who got to the end. It means a lot to share this with people. A quick accountability paragraph below.

Saw a film with a short erotic scene last night. Didn’t make me uncomfortable at the time, but I was tempted to replay the scene this morning. ‘That’s allowed, right? That’s not properly indulging??’ Being accountable here makes me realise that’s weird thing for a grown man to do, and is having a little sniff of the drug.

[UKGuy]

Wow Joel - that's amazing insight and self reflection. I honestly take my hat off to you for having the tenacity and courage to work through those historical events and emotions. I hope that the process can help neutralise the shame that you refer to - it should, and you deserve it.
When you think about the old girlfriend now, what emotions does it trigger in you? Can you reconcile them and lay that part of your life and any sense of regret to rest once and for all? What good came out of the situation?
I think if possible, it is helpful to neutralise all feelings of hate and aggression - even to PMO itself, and cultivate feelings of love and gratitude whenever possible.
Big respect to you my friend - this journey isn't about the length of streak, but the learnings we receive on the way - the great news is if we make a good job of the latter, the former fixes itself. You're clearly doing a great job of both.
Take care.

[mr.slurps]

Hiya Joel,  I think I may owe you an apology for my misunderstanding. It may have brought up some bad stuff. But that may have resulted in good insights for you.
I'm w/ UK praising the hard work you're doing. I had two failed marriages that generated hate and blaming. Finally I was able to assume some responsibility and that helps. I doubt I'll ever be able to apologize in person but I can do it mentally.
Kudos (whatever that means)

[Joel]

Thanks so much for your reply, Guy and Slurps.

I hope that the process can help neutralise the shame that you refer to

It already has. Just reading that book and seeing I’m not alone, what a ‘common formula’ this is was huge.

When you think about the old girlfriend now, what emotions does it trigger in you? Can you reconcile them and lay that part of your life and any sense of regret to rest once and for all? What good came out of the situation? I think if possible, it is helpful to neutralise all feelings of hate and aggression.

 ‘Lay it to rest once and for all’ – I like that, it was so long ago. for one thing, she doesn’t even deserve my hate. An initial flash of a scene that pops into my head can trigger a negative emotion. It only takes 2 minutes of rational thought to realise, ‘oh, yes, I’m hugely responsible for what happened.’ Actually, the emotion was so intense because I enjoyed our situation so much, then lost it. Lots of good came of it – I’m happy for all the experiences – it was a really colourful and inspiring time in my life.

I thought of getting a book on anger (so many amazing self-help books out there) , and that would be the next step on my recovery, but I think the self-help books I already have provide all the pointers I need to process all this. A lot of them are ‘books on Zen’ which are actually just great self-help books. I think the piece that was missing for me was nailing my subconscious emotion that was causing how I act sexually, realising that’s not want I want, and processing it another way.

even to PMO itself, and cultivate feelings of love and gratitude whenever possible.

That’s a really interesting point I hadn’t thought of! There’s a mentor I follow who just recently came up with fresh content around the idea that ‘Everything that happens to us is the best possible thing’. This connects nicely to all the zen teachings I read. if I hadn’t fallen into the porn trap, I never would have done all this self-help work, zen reading, learned meditating, realising I need routines and daily exercises. I’ve worked on myself to make sure I’m a better partner and person to the people in my life, etc.

[Leonidas]

Actually, porn poisoned our relationship, so if I should have hate/ aggressive feelings to anything, it should be towards porn and the acting of PMO’ing.

Hm... how about: something else or several other things (alongside porn) caused the relationship to fall apart?  Is porn really the culprit here, or was life not going well before and that led to the porn compulsion in the first place?  Go further up the stream and you might find the true underlying sources of the behavior.

Also, why *should* you feel hate towards porn?  For the sake of your recovery or as a whole for what it represents?  Reason I ask: for better or worse, no amount of hate will change the business.  It's here to stay (and grow).  However, complete indifference is what is likely going to keep porn at bay for good.  And I believe the key to becoming indifferent is to go for LIFE, whatever the vision of it entails.

[Joel]

Thanks, Leo. Yes, for sure - other things were at play, which I've been mulling over. I like the idea about complete indifference. I've been reading about how we use porn as the 'cure' to our problems (one that doesn't work); so like you - my plan of recovery is a dual journey of weaning off the addiction and creating LIFE.

A little depression/ low-feeling crept in yesterday. I think i need to welcome it and see it through. I used porn and tech apps like IG to create dopamine to stave off this discomfort; but I'm weaning off them, and am in recovery, so there's no choice but to say - I'm a little blue, that's life. It's understandable, coming out of an addiction that took care of (numbed) my stress, anger, loneliness, existential angst, boredom, etc. And we’re in lock down – again, we’re isolated, stuck in doors. There’s lots to be grateful for, but I need to embrace discomfort and embrace the low.

I’m on day 38 or so. On what will be day 50 (hopefully) – I have a writing course beginning, where I’ll be expected to finish writing goals – seems like a good thing to plug into this journey. Changing gear and going toward something, not just leaving something behind.

Resisted an urge last night. Saw a film with an attractive actress. Later i was tempted to do a nude image search (goodness, we're weird creatures). A good motivation was this forum - I’d have to admit to it, that makes it more real and I see the silliness of it.  That’s not a normal, harmless thing to do. feel a bit triggered as I write about it – I don't need to search images - will be back later to be accountable on a clean day on this.

Just looked at a couple of my old posts. I notice how I've been resisting these 'mini'-urges every couple of days. It doesn't feel like much ('well... if I have to tell the forum, I guess I just won't do it'), but the accumulative effect of this is huge. What a great new habit.

And I had an urge this morning to read aggressive literature. i could feel the heat rise in my chest. But I took this apart, Jay Stringer style. Covid is ruling the world at the moment, I'm having plumbing problems and there's nothing I could do about it, I WANT CONTROL, AND I’M ANGRY ABOUT LACK OF CONTROL. (I'm not actually ANGRY, it's something that sits quietly in me, needing to be processed or nudging me to act out through porn).

Also, a couple of days ago, an old organisation i started came on my radar. I was connivingly pushed out of it, and I noticed on the website someone else had been given credit for my work and investment - all evidence of me had been erased. I started it 10 years ago, then had nothing to do with it - so the real achievement goes to the people who have carried it for 10 years; I don't want any part of the it and only my ego it upset that i don't have a mention on a website that people probably don't even look at. Still, I've been working on myself for a couple of days and it still flashes in my head. I need to work on processing hate and anger whenever they rise but - I guess - like the discomfort I mentioned at the top; no matter what i do, there will be discomfort and I have to accept not feeling awesome all the time. I let this go a long time ago, so I know it's just a matter of time before the feeling of injustice fades again.

[Joel]

Hi guys,
It's me again, a few hours later. The second urge I was less worried about got the better of me ,and I read erotic literature for a while. I was pretty sure after drinking enough of it in, I would go somewhere private and MO. I eventually pulled away and blocked the website, and I'm resisting M'ing. The excitement is oozing away, in a way I feel strong and feel like I've defeated something here. The MO'ing after getting that excited seemed obligatory, but I could see the lie in that - I don't have to, it would be a drug-like high, but with that comes the low, and that's why I'm abstaining from that behaviour. I'm going to say my 38day no PM streak is still going; and my 'skirting' streak is back at zero. If this is a lie, the only person I'm lying to and harming is me. This streak isn't perfect, but if I can keep it going, I believe I can build stronger foundations on it.

Some arguments that helped - 'I can already feel the excitement fading, I can walk away. Why shouldn't I walk away? If I MO, I tell the forum, and the streak is definitely over. The writing goals/ muscles I'm building up will be damaged, the pushing of violence and shame out of my soul will be damaged.

What got me here. Was tired and 'decided' to have a lazy day. Wrote a lot of nofap notes - maybe that's good/ hard work; but it is a way of avoiding work and other things in life.

Have a couple of stressful things ahead like attempting some plumbing. I'd just decided to stop being lazy, because I could feel my mood dropping, and thought that achieving some to-dos would be positive for me. But then my body quietly opened my laptop and started 'skirting' for content 'that's not out-and-out porn'. (Lie!) Rationalization - 'l'll look on google for 5 mins for free content; if I don't find it, i'll stop.' (Lie!)

I let myself off the leash, gave myself a good sniff of a drug to help me get out of a rut/ discomfort/ stress, then eventually pulled in the leash. It's edging, keeping myself addicted, and this behaviour always leads to full relapse.

Not feeling that wobbly right now; hopefully I didn't act out badly enough for there to be too serious repercussions. Will be back to let you guys know. Will be on guard, and setting the initial goal of 7 days no skirting - no more of this BS

[UKGuy]

Hi Joel,

I was going to write before your last post, but my wife called me, and I didn't get chance. I don't need to tell you anything you don't already know - especially "it's edging, keeping myself addicted, and this behaviour always leads to full relapse."

The short term priority is obviously to let this pass, but then, how do you stop this happening again? It's like you've built your brick wall of resistance between skirting and MO, and the challenge and opportunity is to move that brick wall forwards so it is between everyday life (including the unpleasant bits) and skirting.
Perhaps you have consciously or subconsciously classified skirting as not as bad as MO, and that's why its getting through your behaviour filter? Remember the 6 point plan? I wonder if you can redefine it so it relates to skirting rather than MO for yourself?

Anyway, what I was going to write about before your last post was thoughts, and specifically the power of thoughts as emotional triggers. I am memory plagiarising this from my favourite self help book (Richard Carlson Stop Thinking Start Living). In that book he speaks about a little practical test - I'll revisit it here to (hopefully) demonstrate it's power:

Try and feel anger right now WITHOUT thinking anything.
Now try embarrassment.
Now try shame.
Fear?
You can't. It's impossible. You cannot feel an emotion without first having a thought to triggers it.
Yet go back and think about something in your life that makes you angry, something you did at school/work/elsewhere where you felt you embarrassed yourself, something that you're scared of right now in your life. The emotions come flooding in.

What we choose to think about can have the same emotional impact on us as the event itself (whether past, or a future fear). IN FACT, IT CAN HAVE A BIGGER IMPACT - over time we tend to add bits to the story that make the recollective thoughts more severe, or we catastrophise about the future (I know I do and always have).

Similarly, all those embarrassing or shameful things that we did in our past are there all the time, but when we don't think about them, well - the emotions aren't present, and life is good. It's as if they never happened. Maybe they never did, or certainly maybe they never happened quite as bad as our unhelpful negativity biased brain is so proficient at 'recalling'.

I just thought I'd share it - thinking about your ex, the guys that ripped off your idea, your lack of control (perceived)...all those thoughts bring an emotional response which will tend to bring down the quality of your life...and, in our case, may lead to weakness, self soothing and oh...I just skirted!

When I read this six or seven years ago, when I was going through a particularly tough time, it was so empowering - I understood the process that was going on in my head - as we know, understanding a phenomenon can rob it of its power over us.

Hopefully this is helpful to you like it was to me - once we understand it, the trick is to train our mind to realise when it's happening, but all the meditation etc that you already do should help there.

They're just thoughts.

Stay strong my friend.

[mr.slurps]

Hi Joel,  Good job getting on here and writing the other day.  That in itself is a big accomplishment.
I've been the ostrich with my head in the sand many times.
Then I'd get back on here and read or write something that helped me sort myself out.
Plus, there are lots of folks on here pulling for you.

[Joel]

get back on here and read or write something that helped me sort myself out.

So true

Try and feel anger right now WITHOUT thinking anything.
Now try embarrassment.
Now try shame.
Fear?

Hmmm. That’s actually a very hard exercise. My instinct is to pull a thought or memory to create those things; they’re so ready and on the surface – ready to create an emotion (such random things from so long ago). It would take some brain training to stop that instinct. I think that says something about me that needs working on. I’ve just bought the book; really like what you had to say about it and look forward to getting into it. (maybe it will help with the above issue I just mentioned!)

Thanks so much for the posts, guy and slurps, you guys are awesome. And thanks for the ideas, Guy. The trouble has passed, but it took about 24hours! I was in such a haze and stayed away from my computer, though I did quickly read your replies. every week I download a stack of PFR podcasts to listen to and, perfectly, I saw I had ep185 – ‘edging’, which had a lot of good ideas and touched on what you talked about. (his idea of edging is my idea of ‘skirting’ – ‘how close can I get to the flame without a burn’. A bit confusing as a lot of men define edging as touching themselves). His content is so ridiculously good.

Took a lot of paper-journaling, sadly way too much to transcribe and share here right now. But need my plan to always be growing and developing, and – Jay Stringer style – I wrote about my fetish, really took it apart and looked at the core of it. It has taken the sting out of the situation, and has brought me out of the haze I thought I was going to be in for the next five days. I’m back! And though I feel sheepish about saying ‘hurray! I’m on day 40 no PM tomorrow!’ , there is some truth to it, because I could have indulged yesterday, but I won a victory and am shuffling forward.

[Joel]

Day 42 no PM
Day 4 no skirting

Threw myself into listening to porn free radio for a couple of days, even let exercise fall away for a few days - focusing all my will power on staying clean. Read a lot of interesting stuff about addiction and ego, and enjoying the Richard Carlson recommended above – it’s inspiring me to be less in my head - dwelling on insignificant episodes from the past, porn memories and fantasies, anything in my life I’m needlessly dwelling on, etc. Hope everyone’s doing well, have a great day all!

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Joel,

Congrats on 42days! Great achievement.

This is the first time i'm seeing this term; Skirting. What is skirting??

Good luck my friend, stay safe and say porn free. I am rooting for you.

[mr.slurps]

Hi Joel,   Here's a positive factual observation re your recovery.
You've ditched the crappy literature and now imbibe only good reading.
That's real stuff man!

[Joel]

@Slurps - so true! talk about dropping a bad habit for a good one!

Thanks @Shade! Sorry, 'skirting' is a term I made up - confusing I'm sure. Guys refer to it as circling, fishing, peeking; going as far to the edge as you think you can allow yourself. I need to build that firm wall, like you were talking about with Guy.

On that note, I have a confession, it was a few days ago, but I looked at 2 naughty IG accounts, accounts that followed me, and I could see from the profile picture their accounts would be 'exciting'. I went to the accounts, got a little excited, then thought - what the hell am I doing and left. I hardly use IG anymore, and don't have the app on my phone; was just curious about a writer I've come into contact with. But there's something about this app that connects to porn behaviours, just the sitting back passively, scrolling for little dopamine hits (crack for the eyes - someone once referred to it as). Leaving these 'virtual' habits behind feels great.

Am keeping up the healthy habits and am exercising. Had a great writing day yesterday. Hope to do the same today. Seeing some family in the sunshine later. All is well, if I can be in the present moment and enjoy everything life is offering me at the moment.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks for the clarification Joel, i recognize it tho.. Ive been tempted i to it as well, many times...

About the whole IG, if you have little or no use for it,why not delete your account? From what i reas it does more harm than good.


Keep strong my friend

[Joel]

day 40-something no PM

Thanks Shade. Like many, my IG excuse is its a platform for my work. The good news is I don't need to create new content, I can just allow the content I have there to stay there- so I don't need to use the app like I used to. But I visited the app through chrome - that was where I strayed.

I'm basically saying, I don't blame that 'evil app' this time, but onus is on me; I say that as I've still been skirting/ circling. Got close to the edge again yesterday. So I'm recommitting to this - Day 1 - no skirting, now is the time to give up this drug completely, once and for all.

Feel like I've fallen away from the community a bit. A strange mix of feeling like I don't have much to say and have too much to say; but will try to remedy the missed days - as I think my recovery suffers as a consequence.

Yesterday I was floored by an awful, physical depression. P withdrawal and not having that emotional crutch/ feel-good drug probably had a lot to do with it. But I traced my day to where it began and realised I was frustrated with my fatigue and wasn't writing as efficiently as I wanted to; other factors included the skirting - I was really angry and frustrated with myself for that. So there was this attitude of  - I want to be a writer, and I can't even do the work, I spend my time wanking/ trying not to wank, this is so pathetic!

I needed to be patient with myself. This is an addiction, and I'm in the cycle, and I've got a streak going and am working on getting my way out. But the EGO got involved - I should be doing better. The ego got involved in my streak too - you're messing up your streak through circling. You should be doing better. I believe honesty is good when it comes to messing up - don't beat yourself up for indulging, but don't let yourself off the hook - 'I relapsed but that's OK.' You indulged and that has hurt your progress and recovery. we have to have the humility to say - 'this is where I'm at; today I damaged my streak' or, 'I'm back at 0, I'm going to get accountable on the forum and continue to work on this,' without having a meltdown or being tempted to lie. So I need to do some work here. I bought the book - Ego is the Enemy - which the Dobber recommended, and it's very interesting so far. Hope all's well out there!

[UKGuy]

Always good to read your journal Joel and well done in the non-skirting commitment! Maybe a way to say it is “build your wall of resistance before the skirt.” (There’s a bad double meaning joke in there somewhere!) Ego is the Enemy is a good book. Another that the Dobber recommended which is excellent, and may help with your work is Atomic Habits (we may have discussed this earlier in your thread but I may be mistaken.)

PS: your line “I spend my time wanking/trying not to wank” made me laugh. I’ll bet a lot of guys on here can relate to that. Here’s to those two activities slowly but surely being marginalised and pushed to the periphery by the enjoyment of life itself! Take care.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hi Joel,

I so recognize this part about the Ego:

I needed to be patient with myself. This is an addiction, and I'm in the cycle, and I've got a streak going and am working on getting my way out. But the EGO got involved - I should be doing better. The ego got involved in my streak too - you're messing up your streak through circling. You should be doing better. I believe honesty is good when it comes to messing up - don't beat yourself up for indulging, but don't let yourself off the hook - 'I relapsed but that's OK.' You indulged and that has hurt your progress and recovery. we have to have the humility to say - 'this is where I'm at; today I damaged my streak' or, 'I'm back at 0, I'm going to get accountable on the forum and continue to work on this,' without having a meltdown or being tempted to lie.

I do used to bust my own nuts (pun intended) for relapsing looking at P again.. But in the end what was needed indeed was honesty, to yourself and the ones that support you on this journey. But, let us net forget love for ourselves. This is still an addiction we are fighting and the urges are not something we can will away. I will not say we are victims and that we can't 100% help ourselves, but we are still human. And being human means that you are constantly trying to figure out who the hell you are. And I think this is especially the case when battling addiction. Especially if you've been addicted for a long time. PMO is most often a coping mechanism, something to flee to, a resort. And the moment we start battling the addiction which is very hard, the one coping mechanism we had is no longer available. And that can be trying, to say the least. So without the coping mechanism of PMO, you will tend to find out things about yourself, things you may never have thought about. So basically you are re-inventing yourself. And during that time I think it is important to be nice to yourself and love yourself to the fullest (in a non physical way).