Author Topic: nofap journal  (Read 12419 times)

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #25 on: May 25, 2020, 12:06:44 PM »
2 weeks PM-free today!

Thanks, Guy. Disagreement over with, it never lasts very long. Actually, she was going to see a friend whose values I don’t agree with, so it’s only when she is determined to spend time with this friend, things get frosty between us.

Atomic habits has been on my reading list actually, so I think I’ll give it a go next week. Cheers. I feel like I need to re-train parts of my brain that have been binging on cake for the last 25years!

Triggers may be below.

So I’d scheduled a day I’d mindfully have sex with my wife. I was to ready to be focused. When the moment was approaching, images appeared in my mind (brain: ‘do you need these images or fantasy? cos this is how we usually do things’ ). I managed to push them away, and realised how helpful meditation is to train me to actually ‘make love’ to my wife. However, after a while, I gave into a fantasy, the chemical reaction in me was... an intense high, shall we say, and I even went all the way and allowed myself to O.

I’m not calling it a relapse, as I’ve successfully resisted the real bad behaviours, but it was a fail. There wasn’t really a moment I thought about her, the person with me. I heard the Dobber recently say, when we’re aroused, we make bad decisions. I can’t continue this behaviour, so I’ll be taking the analysis back to the lab, then decide what action to take. There was a moment a while ago, I thought I felt an uncomfortable sexual energy, but right now I feel fine. I guess, connecting here and remembering who I want to be right now is important to realigning myself.

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #26 on: May 26, 2020, 09:20:59 AM »
Still clean, but have been struggling since being intimate with my wife yesterday. I broke my own rules and the consequences have appeared. I shouldnt be surprised. I didnt create the rules for fun, I created them because the same pattern happens over and over again. I’ve been journaling this morning and am about to share my process, and also my fetish, so triggers may be below.

Warning, triggers may be below.

It’s hard to admit to this as I have so much shame around it, but I have aggressive, dominating fantasies. I don’t have hateful issues with women, and eventually realised that as porn was my go-to place to process uncomfortable emotions, it’s where I took all my hate and anger, I poured these emotions into PMO, and the combination is a powerful high, which I find hard to resist.

Some of this anger, I need to process, but some I need to allow to be there – so I’ve learned, as we’re men and we naturally have this ‘edge’. I also learned the perfect place to direct this aggression is toward porn (not into porn). I.e. I shouldnt indulge in an aggressive fantasy and get off, but I should build up any anger and energy I have, imagine the idea of PMO’ing – this habit and industry that has done me so much harm – and punch it in the face; negating the urge to indulge with my emotion and energy.

This morning I had worrying urges, because I heard that powerful voice that says, ‘Just do it, screw sobriety’. For the last 2 weeks, the more dominant voice was, ‘that’s an urge, there’s no way I’m going to even think about going down that road.’

The idea of watching a video just didnt seem like a bad idea, so I journaled some self-talk, then read over some pre-written notes on this matter (including the above truths that I’m just processing emotions in a really dumb way); finally a moment of clarity came and the urges have calmed down. The defining argument was, that video of your fetish isn’t the answer, it’s the addiction. That video is the trickster, the poison. Pleasure lies in not going there.

All this nofap work has meant less productivity, but it’s my priority. Hopefully I’ll be back here tomorrow feeling less wobbly. As for sex, I'll wait a few days before again attempting a pure, focused, pre-planned moment of intimacy with my wife.

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #27 on: May 27, 2020, 09:30:45 AM »
Guess I slept bad and have no energy today. Not planning to do my creative hour; nofap is my priority and urges are intense. After two weeks clean, PMO suddenly seems like a good idea to me; I can't 'satisfyingly' do this because of lock down (I'm sharing a small space with my wife) and the blocks I've put on my devices. So yesterday and today I've spent probably hours trying to get around my blockers/ 'skirting' (my own term - trying to find P or P-subs, but then not allowing myself to look (much), to get a little buzz), exciting and frustrating myself - it feels horrible! In a way, it's a relapse/ reset, because I've broken a rule, and part of me is excited and I need to start a clean slate of resisting the urge to behave this way, and chalk up the painful early days before the reptilian brain calms down. Maybe I'll start a separate 'skirting' streak.

I did a workout/ shower earlier to pull myself out of this. But went back to the behaviour afterwards. Felt too tired to come to the forum or do any nofap work - do you guys ever get *so* tired of this? the fapping, the nofap; it's like - I want a break, a rest, but we can't afford to let our guard down, to stop thinking about our rules...

Last night, when i wasn't sleeping much, I had a kind of epiphany - I've had enough of this. I don't want to be 2 people, hiding my thoughts. I don't want to fill journals and documents with no fap thoughts, but with big ideas and beautiful things.

Now that I'm finally here and have connected with you guys, I'm planning on treating myself to a nice 'clean' gift - a fancy new writing journal; maybe a little self care can snap me out of this. I don't have to live like a desperate reprobate, trawling the web for a thrill I haven't blocked; I'm worth more.

UKGuy

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #28 on: May 27, 2020, 02:28:35 PM »
I can relate to the trying to find a way around filters and TBH, you’ve done well to avoid not relapsing after skirting/peeking Joel. Things would unravel pretty quickly for me whenever I did that and so I have to have an iron grip at the temptation stage to ensure no slip ups. I gave this theory of cumulative triggers - a peek here and a skirt there all add up until you reach a tipping point, plus it’s not particularly fun being in that limbo state as you say. I’ll repost the 6 point plan for you (credit traveller32 and Shade):
1) recognise the urge
2) Allow that the urge is there (you cannot will it away, let it be and observe it.)
3) investigate why the urge is there (is there something inside of your mind that makes you resort to PMO) *or skirting/peeking*
4) Realise that the urge is temporary
5) Recall the feeling of emptiness, fuzzy head, fatigue and shame after PMO
6) (Optional is the urge is really strong) Choose a distractingly activity - reboot nation, exercise, read, family/friends etc.

Keep going, it’s all progress and learning.

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #29 on: May 28, 2020, 08:24:15 AM »
No PM – day 17
No O/ skirting – day 1


Thanks Guy, and thanks for the 6 point plan. I know what you mean. I crossed a line and was locked in a compulsive behaviour, but crossing that other line and indulging in the drug would really have locked me in. something in me knew where that line was, it feared the true poison and what it would do to me.

It’s amazing how these urges can leave then come back so strongly. Following day, I’m surprised that I feel normal again. I surely did my reboot some damage yesterday, but I did myself a service by struggling through.

So tired and foggy yesterday, I didn't think to read through my ‘alignments’ (which I usually aim to do every morning) – which list all the negatives of porn - ‘it creates an unbearable depression, and won’t scratch that urge-itch, but will make it worse...’ Damn, that would have made things easier and clearer in my mind, rather than teasing myself with something ‘I want but can’t have’.

Below may be triggers

Well, it’s obvious to me, and probably to anyone who reads my previous posts, I was doing great, then I had unfocused, uncentered morning-sex with the wife, some negative things happened in my brain and my streak was screwed.

My plan was, no sex in the morning, when I’m lazy, sleepy, and I’ll get aroused and go for instant gratification. So I tried to plan sex in the evenings – but this was a big habit shift and change in routine. The moment never seemed right to me. so one morning, I felt guilty that it had been ‘a while’, and this led to 3 really tricky days. I’m recommitting to this plan, and if I can’t manage it, I know I have to think about other ways to stop this loophole pulling me down.

On a lighter note, I got out some old art supplies and started painting yesterday. Was great fun and I got in a good flow. Am going to buy some new supplies today.

mr.slurps

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #30 on: May 28, 2020, 03:43:08 PM »
Hiya Joel,  Are you still doing meditation and journaling? Do you time the meditation? How long?  I've found it enhances my quality of life. 
I like to go back and re-read my old journals too. Sometimes it seems like deja vus all over again.
But I know I'm on the right track when I read days filled w/ chatting...
It seems you're going for the carrot approach- very cool. Coffee in bed... good stuff.
I need to do that more. (7 days today)  Maybe I'll splurge on a good cut of steak instead of hamburger. lol
Keep rockin friend

Icandoit

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #31 on: May 29, 2020, 08:26:31 AM »
I like to go back and re-read my old journals too. Sometimes it seems like deja vus all over again.

I remember when I read in my diary: "Day 28. My mind is clear and my energy level is great." And I said: "Fuck! Now it's only Day 2 for me and everything is opposite."  :( Probably I should've re-read that before the relapse. I had almost a month.

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #32 on: May 30, 2020, 05:45:23 AM »
@Icandoit Losing a streak and starting over undeniably sucks. But... I've been recently reading about how status is a trigger for this addiction; not looking or feeling the way we think we should, not being the kind of people we feel we should be, and also not having a great streak. We have to be humble and know we have work to do on this issue whether it's day 2 or day 80.

Good work on the new streak, slurps! I have a morning routine I've cut and pasted below - this one's a bit old, but isn't too different to the ideas and routine I'm still practicing today.

5-10 minutes meditation, reading my ‘alignments’, reading something educational/inspirational, at least 5 minutes of journaling. I also try to exercise every day and check in on the forum.

I’ve summarized my alignments below – they cover what’s important/ positives of being a no fapper/ negatives of P

Values

Love – family, friends, myself, and the people around me (as best I can). Everything in life feels crap without love. Work on connecting to people (don't take them for granted, half-ignoring them)

Gratitude

Awareness/ mindfulness – don’t live life on automatic, angry about being stuck in traffic, pissed because your team lost last night, mulling over an argument you had a year ago. You’re here

Humour/ joy/ fun/ friends

Art, music, creating, passion

NO PORN

ME REASONS

It damages the brain, reducing grey matter, creating addictive pathways, damaging reward receptors, motivation and empathy

the brain fog/ headache, numb, drained, energy-less, empty, where-did-the-day-go-? feeling

No reward receptors - no joy …in things that make being alive amazing.

No motivation - Life was so stagnant

Directly causes depression

Kills love and ability to live - I don’t give a crap about anything or anyone

BE A BETTER PERSON REASONS

It’s wrong – sex trafficking/ violence on women/trauma they suffer, kids getting exposed to this…

It cultivates hate, inspiring everyone to treat each other like crap

Makes me a creep

MY CAREER REASONS

I have nothing to show for years, and my craft hasn’t improved/ my work muscle hasn’t grown

Time wasted - days every week for so many years

Motivation …is non-existent for the time I’m not PMO ing, as I'm depleted, or having to focus solely on trying not to PMO

Emulate the people who inspire me.

THE LIE OF PORN REASONS

It’s wrong (see above), but I’m filled with dopamine and I’m caught up in it, so it somehow seems okay/ normal

The compulsion – if I did it only when I wanted to, that would be something. But that I do it against my own will. this thing controls me. I’m trapped.

The weird brain trick - ‘forget the streak quickly and dip in for 30 minutes.’ Shit. another 5 yrs of my life just whizzed by.

Scratch this itch and get a shot of pleasure. Now I’m back in a cycle

I want to watch something in particular - I never watch it. It’s 10 tabs open and chasing a dragon

That relapse during a good streak can set me back a year/ indefinitely

Other things

Take it easy on yourself for 90 days. Nofap is your priority, not work, not dating, not getting ripped, not being productive - read fun books, take baths, do a passion project or something

Accountability – checking in on the vanguard calls (good example is, yesterday I felt foggy and tired, but didn't challenge myself, I needed my willpower to stay focused, so i allowed myself to get a little bored and sat with it).


Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #33 on: May 30, 2020, 06:17:26 AM »
No PM – day 19
No skirting - day 3
No sex-with-fantasy and O – day 0

I went 2 days without sex. Was interesting that an aggressive/ asshole energy bubbled to the surface. I'm snappy at my wife, feel irritated when people pass me on my walk, and even say endless troll-like comments when listening to a podcast/ watching TV I like. I usually pour these emotions into PMO'ing and my sexuality, then I'm able to be the relaxed, nice guy in the real world. Not sure how to process this negative/ uncomfortable emotion/personality - any ideas?

And an interesting idea from the Dobber - be accountable with full disclosure on our behaviour, which I'll go into below

below may be triggers

Nearly did a really stupid thing yesterday. I've heard of a TV show with some naughty scenes, and I went to a TV-website, ready to trawl through it. Somehow it seemed like an acceptable idea (I mean, lots of people have seen it and are talking about it). But - I thought - it would mean the end of my non-skirting streak. So I didn't do it. Admitting to it now, I see how ridiculous that behaviour would be so many different levels.

And this morning I had a mishap on instagram. I'd deleted the app because I found it a dumb distraction, but there was show on it last evening I wanted to watch. I should have then deleted it again - it takes one minute. This morning I start browsing, I like looking at musicians and though I saw nothing explicit, artists do try to make themselves as appealing as they can/ make the most of their sexuality, I felt triggered, so I relented to have that uncentered, unfocused morning sex with my wife, which is detrimental to my recovery. IG deleted, I won't let that kind of slip happen again. I'm also vulnerable after that kind of behaviour so will be careful - am feeling pretty centered at the moment.

Day 20 tomorrow - will celebrate (secretly) while having a sunny beer outside with friends

UKGuy

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #34 on: May 30, 2020, 10:52:59 AM »
This is an excellent post Joel. Thanks very much for sharing. I need to work out how to bookmark this on here somehow as it's one I intend to go back to. Can relate to sooooo much of it. Cheers and enjoy the well earned day 20 beers!

@Icandoit Losing a streak and starting over undeniably sucks. But... I've been recently reading about how status is a trigger for this addiction; not looking or feeling the way we think we should, not being the kind of people we feel we should be, and also not having a great streak. We have to be humble and know we have work to do on this issue whether it's day 2 or day 80.

Good work on the new streak, slurps! I have a morning routine I've cut and pasted below - this one's a bit old, but isn't too different to the ideas and routine I'm still practicing today.

5-10 minutes meditation, reading my ‘alignments’, reading something educational/inspirational, at least 5 minutes of journaling. I also try to exercise every day and check in on the forum.

I’ve summarized my alignments below – they cover what’s important/ positives of being a no fapper/ negatives of P

Values

Love – family, friends, myself, and the people around me (as best I can). Everything in life feels crap without love. Work on connecting to people (don't take them for granted, half-ignoring them)

Gratitude

Awareness/ mindfulness – don’t live life on automatic, angry about being stuck in traffic, pissed because your team lost last night, mulling over an argument you had a year ago. You’re here

Humour/ joy/ fun/ friends

Art, music, creating, passion

NO PORN

ME REASONS

It damages the brain, reducing grey matter, creating addictive pathways, damaging reward receptors, motivation and empathy

the brain fog/ headache, numb, drained, energy-less, empty, where-did-the-day-go-? feeling

No reward receptors - no joy …in things that make being alive amazing.

No motivation - Life was so stagnant

Directly causes depression

Kills love and ability to live - I don’t give a crap about anything or anyone

BE A BETTER PERSON REASONS

It’s wrong – sex trafficking/ violence on women/trauma they suffer, kids getting exposed to this…

It cultivates hate, inspiring everyone to treat each other like crap

Makes me a creep

MY CAREER REASONS

I have nothing to show for years, and my craft hasn’t improved/ my work muscle hasn’t grown

Time wasted - days every week for so many years

Motivation …is non-existent for the time I’m not PMO ing, as I'm depleted, or having to focus solely on trying not to PMO

Emulate the people who inspire me.

THE LIE OF PORN REASONS

It’s wrong (see above), but I’m filled with dopamine and I’m caught up in it, so it somehow seems okay/ normal

The compulsion – if I did it only when I wanted to, that would be something. But that I do it against my own will. this thing controls me. I’m trapped.

The weird brain trick - ‘forget the streak quickly and dip in for 30 minutes.’ Shit. another 5 yrs of my life just whizzed by.

Scratch this itch and get a shot of pleasure. Now I’m back in a cycle

I want to watch something in particular - I never watch it. It’s 10 tabs open and chasing a dragon

That relapse during a good streak can set me back a year/ indefinitely

Other things

Take it easy on yourself for 90 days. Nofap is your priority, not work, not dating, not getting ripped, not being productive - read fun books, take baths, do a passion project or something

Accountability – checking in on the vanguard calls (good example is, yesterday I felt foggy and tired, but didn't challenge myself, I needed my willpower to stay focused, so i allowed myself to get a little bored and sat with it).

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #35 on: May 31, 2020, 05:36:31 AM »
Thanks Guy, so glad you found it helpful.

day 20 - no PM, and the sun is shining.

Full disclosure on my strange behaviour (or at least, weird thought processes)...

We're allowed small outside social gatherings in the UK. Yesterday we meet 2 of my wife's friends - I like them too, but they are very social and it goes on for a while. I'm an introvert and gatherings tire me out, so to deal with the discomfort of chatting and smiling and not being allowed to have a lie-down break, I zone out and play porn-memories/ fantasies in my head. I think I've been doing this since my school days. I realised what I was doing, and pushed back a bit; 'no, this is unhealthy, come back to reality, the sunshine, these smiling people.' But I didn't quite win, 'Zoning out and fantasizing is my hack for discomfort, it gets those happy chemicals going', a voice said, so the indulging carried on. It's a bit like during sex when I give up and allow myself to use mind-fantasy.

I also realize I do this every morning. I wake up groggy/tired/crappy, so I play some sexual memories/ fantasies/ head-porn and it props me up. I've recently pushed against this as I realize how badly fantasizing is damaging my recovery.

Really helpful to admit to it here - such a dangerous and negative behaviour I was hardly conscious of before writing it out and being accountable. GOAL - push them away in the morning, and I have another gathering today (neighbours - not close friends), so a perfect time to push against any temptation. Will get back to you, hopefully with news of my success!


jixu

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #36 on: June 01, 2020, 07:42:01 AM »
Great progress and congratulations on the 20 days.  I would have to believe that the fantasy aspect you discussed will be weakened after being starved off of the steady electronic stimulation diet.  Good days ahead!     

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #37 on: June 01, 2020, 08:46:23 AM »
Hey Joel,

20 days is great progress, keep going buddy!
As Jixu pointed out, over time the need for those fantasies will subside while your brain is resetting itself. And seeing as you have done it since your schooldays, it must be pretty hardwired. So it's probably going to take some time.

The question to me is; what makes you so tired about social gatherings? Is it the sheer amount of information, or stimuli? Do you have the same for instance when you walk into a room with a lot of sensory stimuli that you have to process at once?


Good luck man, im rooting for you
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #38 on: June 01, 2020, 11:03:29 AM »
Thanks guys!

In important news, I really mastered punching away fantasies and not allowing them to start. Now I realise what a simple action that got triggered by all kinds of everyday things was such a threat to my recovery; it always led to relapse.

@jixu, so funny you said 'electronic stimulation diet'. That's actually my next challenge.

I was thinking about my triggers and habits I need to cut out, and have been reading 'Digital minimalism', I realise that using the internet like a toy when I'm bored leads to triggers, and is just bringing into my environment a whole culture I should care less about. I'm allowing myself any film, TV or entertainment I want, but less curiosity about pop-culture, less rabbit-holes, browsing, and reading behind-the-scenes kind of things. I realise I do that a lot and usually leads to an image search...

Thanks for the question @shade. I have a low attention span, am generally lazy and am embarrassed to say - have little interest in others. Porn has a lot to do with this, and I hope to build these muscles as I quit porn. I'm used to lying on my back consuming porn, high dopamine entertainment and tasty treats. Put a real person in front of me, and after an hour or two, I start struggling. But being introverted (preferring a quiet night in with a book rather than a party) makes me lean that way too.

Planning more zero-tolerance to fantasizing, looking forward to reporting back soon!



mr.slurps

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #39 on: June 01, 2020, 03:56:51 PM »
Hiya Pal,  Did you really persist for 5 years at this pmo struggle !!?  That's an inspiration to me. And I need that humility you talked re in one of your earlier posts.
I am 3 days into complete relapse. (hoping for a 1 day streak.)
It seems like your mind played lots of the same games mine does. B/c of that I'm going to look at your journal again.
You are doing great and I hope you keep reaping all the benefits you deserve.

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #40 on: June 02, 2020, 10:59:56 AM »
(streaks still going!)

zero-tolerance to fantasizing going well, and no shady behaviour to report.

Thanks for shining a light on that, Slurps. It's been more than 5years, tbh. We have to learn something from each relapse, something small like, don't go to sleep with my iphone, to more important things like, i need more loving connection in my life. This 'letting go of fantasy' is something new, so I'm excited to have something to work on. The last few times I've relapsed I've felt a bit hopeless because I really feel like I'd tried everything.

I recently heard some simple advice that really struck me anew: You relapse, you feel pain - you've ruined a streak, damaged your recovery, made recovery a more distant goal... use that pain, tie it into the indulgence. So porn isn't that awesome high, it's all that pain and hangover that comes with it.

The reason this advice hit me hard, though I've heard it numerous times, is... it's something I've refused to do. Although recovery is something I want badly, have have been working hard for, I don't want to let go of porn, of something that can make me feel good, less stressed, less ill, less exhausted...

Only now am I willing to tie the pain my porn memories. Eg literally today I thought, it would be nice to exist 7-ish years ago; I lived alone, had all the free porn resources I wanted, and had endless cosy sessions with my porn. Wouldn't it be nice to travel back to that time, just for a day. But remember the whole memory, as soon as PMO was over, this was the most depressed time of my life. I'd look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day, exhausted, shameful... I hated myself and every one around me, and everything about reality. No more rose-tinted glasses when I think about porn.

UKGuy

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #41 on: June 02, 2020, 03:06:29 PM »
I have found the non fanaticising such a game changer Joel. It always used to be the thin end of the wedge - the first step towards relapse - even just in bed drifting off to sleep, I'd choose to do it. And then the next day, I'd move a little bit further up the wedge, and before I knew where I was....BAMB...relapse. TBH, it took me so long to identify it as a contributory factor. Clearly I don't choose to do it now, but when I find those kind of thoughts creeping in to my conscience, I choose to kill them dead in their tracks. I hope the discovery is as revolutionary for you as it's been for me.

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #42 on: June 04, 2020, 12:30:10 PM »
Thanks Guy. It just might be. I've been conscious of it for a long time, but I wasn't willing to give it up. So this might finally be the shift my new life has been waiting for.

Streaks still going.

Just had 2 days of feeling flat, no energy or motivation, maybe low level depression. Maybe you could call it a full-body flatline. No creative work. though at the end of each day, I fear that depression can set in from too much idleness, so I managed 10minute workouts to get the heart pumping. Not enough lust-for-life to even read some fiction or watch a film. I mostly focused on consuming nofap content (maybe too much and I hit a wall, ha) , and have had some good social time with the wife. I guess, if this was day 150 of reboot, I’d kick myself up the ass and say, ‘Come on, you can do better than this!’ on day 23, I’m willing to be patient and sit through this lull; to be frustrated that I’m not capable of more at this point may just be impatience. But I am very quick to allow myself a day off, I don’t know. Also, productivity isn’t everything. Can’t I feel lazy for a couple of days and not be frustrated by that?

I think this frustration led me to relapse after my longest streak of 5 months. I did feel so much better in many ways; but I was still frustrated by this lazy, unproductive, tired person I was, who didn't have a passion for his passions. Hopefully I'll look at ways to move forward this time instead of being seduced back into old addictions.

UKGuy

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #43 on: June 04, 2020, 02:08:45 PM »
Stick with it Joel...those feelings, real as they are, are only temporary and will pass. You’ll be there on the other side with your streak intact.

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #44 on: June 05, 2020, 06:21:56 AM »
Thanks, Guy. Wise words. I'm looking forward to meeting myself!  ;D Note to self: Weather this storm, strangle the fantasies like you’ve been doing, and get ready to awaken.

Aha! As if hearing my lament, the new porn-free-radio podcast was called, Sobriety for what? And a big theme of this is... P destroys your creativity! and it kills reward, satisfaction, motivation.

It’s funny that I know this about porn, and have reminded myself of it endless times; but something in me finds it so hard to accept. Watching explicit videos is as addictive as a drug, and saps love and motivation and creativity from me? it’s such a new concept and is so strange and hard to get my mind around, despite the endless evidence that has impacted my life.

What do you want sobriety for? Dobber’s main ideas are joy, connection to others and having a positive impact.

He touched on what we might be reaching for when watching porn: ‘affirmation, certainty, variety, energy, powerful, in control...’ A couple of those things were a real ‘whoa’ moment for me. ‘variety’. We like our security, and we create our routines, then we go to porn for the excitement that we dont have in our lives.

A challenge – think of 25 things you want. That’s going to take me a while, but I’ve decided on my 30 day healthy reward (1 week to go) – make myself a drink and sit down with one of my favourite old books of short stories for a nice read.

Also, after listening to an interview the Dobber did with Jay Stringer, I got Stringer’s book, ‘Unwanted’. It’s interesting and thought-provoking, some of it seems a bit too much like conjecture (‘if this happened to you as a child, it’s probably why you watch this kind of porn’). Will read more today, am interested where it might go.

One more thing. Wife is going out for a chunk of the day. This has been such a rarity, for it to happen so suddenly will be a semi-challenge. I’ve got a plan of to-do’s, and will report back here after the challenge is over.

(later in the day... wife has returned and all is well; stuck to a tight plan)

« Last Edit: June 05, 2020, 12:05:52 PM by Joel »

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #45 on: June 08, 2020, 06:44:06 AM »
Hi all ,
Streaks are still going well. About to finish the Jay Stringer book - absolutely devoured it, really touched on some 'fetishes' I have and felt like I was the only one in the world feeling them; the whole thing really spoke to me. It really looks at the roots of all this, rather than a 'tricks and tools' approach (which are important too, but after years of trying to master those more surface skills, this felt like good timing to go deeper). The overall idea of the book - I'd say - is, we shouldn't think of our fantasy-narratives and the P we decide to watch as 'unwanted', ie we shouldn't run from it. We need to think about it, to understand what it's saying about us, what we're actually reaching for, what our specific trauma is that leads to the behaviour, and so on.

And I've come out of that physical slump that floored me last week. Interestingly, I looked at an old journal from my last good streak (75 days) and saw the same thing happened around day 30; and also - creative writing blocks were really small and I was working on building them up. Also, I'm on a chapter in the Stringer book about 'purpose', and how lack of it causes addiction, which leads to feelings of meaninglessness - a vicious cycle. If I'm in a slump like this in my life, it makes sense that my body would decide to give me no energy for a week. The plan is to keep focusing on this streak, to replace bad habits with healthy ones, and wait for my soul to awaken.

A couple of bad behaviour moments from last week I want to get accountable on below. Warning, may be inappropriate reading.

Read a news story about an erotic subject. I wanted to put a face to the name in the story and did a google search. This wasn't enough and I did an image search. Triggering thumbnails appeared - nothing too explicit. I stopped. The feeling in me was nausea - 'Danger!'  But it showed a lack of self-awareness that I had to go that far. 'Do you need to put an image to this story? Why do you need to read that story in the first place? This is a subject that you shouldn't go to' ...should have been the instinctive impulse.

Watched an old 'nostalgic' music video that had eroticism - it was mildly triggering and was a dangerous circling kind of behaviour. Dealt with the uncomfortable feelings and didn't go back.

This last one I mention because I'm dealing with it this morning, and I keep nearly going back to it. It's a 'tragic pornstar story' that I felt compelled to search for and read about. I was inspired to do this by reading the Stringer book. 'Porn has negatively effected so many people in different ways'. but it's murky waters for me to be compelled to read/ search about it. I googled the name but realised I have a google-block during the early hours of the day; this made me stop and examine my actions. This post is now a bit too long to go into it, but I think from what I've described, you can see this is an example of someone - who needs to stay focused - is circling into a world that he finds fascinating. There are plenty of tragic stories in the news to feel compelled to read, and I'm not callous for saying - 'That's a place I'm not allowed to go.'


Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #46 on: June 09, 2020, 06:12:53 AM »
30 days tomorrow. I actually have 2 precipitous ‘rewards’ coming in the post today – a couple of nice bits of furniture I think will be nice for my apartment. There’s another nice item that appealed to me, maybe I’ll wait for day 50/ 60 for that.

My no-fantasizing is going surprisingly well. certain ideas/ images/ narratives just seemed to be such an integral part of me/ my life/ my hack. This is sth I’ve needed to do for so long, why am I willing and able to do this now? It may be the Stringer book shining light on what these things really are. Might write out some thinking-through of the material I made notes on on the forum – as a way of processing it.

I did a zoom call with 2 friends yesterday and felt surprisingly energized afterward, reminding me we can get energy from socializing. It’s a tricky realization to make during lockdown, but a good reminder of what we’re missing out on during this time, and the kinds of things we should do to make this time easy on ourselves.

UKGuy

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #47 on: June 09, 2020, 08:17:25 AM »
Great progress Joel. I'm really thrilled for you. Watch out for any confusing suggestions your brain may give you to 'act out' as a reward as you approach/pass the 30 mark. I'm sure you'll be ok, but I thought worth mentioning as that has caught me out in the past!! The non fantasising is such a step change isn't it? To think I actually used to choose to do that whilst dropping off to sleep etc - no wonder I then woke up artificially stimulated the next day. Can't believe it took me so long to realise how daft it was, and so detrimental to me making progress. Enjoy the furniture!

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #48 on: June 10, 2020, 06:00:11 AM »
30 days! ...no PM. Other streaks still going too. New piece of furniture looking very joyful :)

Thanks for that, Guy. Another trick I’m well aware of is (now that the hardest part is over), “I got this, this is easy, I could even indulge then pick up where I left off, because this habit – watching videos – surely can’t be addictive, compulsive, it’s just an indulgence!”

As for the fantasies we use (for me, it’s the morning, when I have morning aches and fogginess), a good trick is to replace it with something real; gratitude we’re healthy and here/ sheltered, the idea of making coffee & its fragrance, something joyful we have planned that day...

Oh, almost forgot to report. Had to resist temptation today. In bed this morning, I felt like initiating sex. It seems like such a harmless, loving thing to do, despite the amount of times it leads to unhealthy sex and PMO relapse. I had to drill myself a little - this is not allowed, this streak and reboot is so important; move on, and you're allowed to initiate sex in the evenings. A voice said to me, but you're depriving your wife of love; she'll feel unloved and deprived. This is obviously a lie, I show true love by not doing the easy thing.

Also, got a bit triggered later shopping online for books (good grief). As I quite recently got into reading erotic things as a way of staying away from videos but 'allowing myself' other stimulus. Of course, always led to defeat, and I knew better this time, sticking to my strict rules
« Last Edit: June 10, 2020, 06:15:28 AM by Joel »

UKGuy

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #49 on: June 11, 2020, 04:08:00 AM »
Congrats Joel - great work! Just read that post of yours from May 30th again - I find it really helpful.

I'm struggling a little at the moment with boredom and that 'shot of pleasure' you spoke about in the lies of porn is so tempting! I won't succumb, but having the awareness that that is what is going on in the background of your unconscious mind is really helpful.

Cheers.