Author Topic: nofap journal  (Read 12580 times)

Phineas 808

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #225 on: November 23, 2020, 12:39:23 PM »
Good job with the chocalate bar! Sure, maybe not as a 'replacement habit', but certainly you did something different to what could have been the unwanted habit.

Yeah, it was the lockdowns that I was busy trying to 'escape' via my issues, before rejoining RN. I'm hoping to use these times to learn new habits that will help me, even if (God forbid) it became even crazier in our nation, or the world. That I won't let the world's dysfunction become my own.

Keep switching it up!
My abstinence is currently at 72+days.

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LetItGoAlready

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #226 on: November 23, 2020, 03:09:42 PM »
Quote
Day 4 - was feeling quite triggered this morning, as I'm not feeling 100%, and fantasy appears as an appealing way to escape aches and discomfort. I journaled, shone some truth on my issues, and focused on work - was a good way to bring me through the day. I also chugged a big chocolate bar and welcomed how much it brought up my mood, not the cleverest method and i won't make a habit of that. Seems my habits - whether it be work hours or down time - are aligned nicely to keep me on the right path for now, during this cold, minimal period of winter-lockdown

No judgment here on the use of sugar to manipulate your mood. I rewarded myself with sugar last Friday after coming off of a stressful week. If I really drilled down into that behavior, I'd probably find that eating sugary crap is just another way for me to boost my mood in the absence of P or some other dopamine-boosting distraction, but I'm okay with that for now because, as you said, it's not a habit. And as long as the good habits outweigh the occasional bad non-habits, I'd say we're both headed in a good direction. Congrats on Day 4 and keep up the great work, bud!

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #227 on: November 25, 2020, 10:47:16 AM »
Hi all,
I had a serious relapse today. Only made it four days clean. Feel exhausted and foggy. Just wanted to post here – goal is to make it to tomorrow clean – fresh start, fresh mind, time to think this all through. Am in a pmo loop/ addiction cycle at the moment, I’ve had a lot of false starts today, so posting here to make it this start more real. Will check in tomorrow.

Phineas 808

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #228 on: November 25, 2020, 12:18:05 PM »
Good job on making it 4 days, Joel! Don't minimize it by saying 'only'. Any amount of days away from this crap, all the better!

Reassess what worked (during those 4 days, or during any longer streaks), and see what maybe didn't work. Tweek your plan or approach accordingly.

I know those cycles all too well. But that's the weakness of this thing, because you can change any part of the cycle to throw it off, and to buy yourself some space and freedom.

These cycles are simply the lower (beast) brain demanding its dopamine hit, but the beauty is that it can't force you to do anything.

Your freedom is within you, within your grasp. Be encouraged, don't be too down on yourself. You're here, and you're making the effort, that already speaks to your willingness to change.

My abstinence is currently at 72+days.

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LetItGoAlready

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #229 on: November 25, 2020, 01:42:17 PM »
Joel - I agree with Phineas on not getting too down on yourself. I was where you are myself just a week ago, so that beaten down, foggy feeling is pretty fresh in my mind. The trick is to get to a point where you feel stable and motivated enough to reflect on this cycle, then figure out where you can make some adjustments to your life/environment/routine. You've always been good at putting together plans and adjusting them when you get off-track, so I have full faith that you will get to that point and be in an even stronger position to stay on top of urges and situations that trigger you going forward.

Don't let the false starts lure you into a shame spiral. You've made a lot of great progress here, and this cycle doesn't erase that progress. Keep that bigger picture in mind.
« Last Edit: November 25, 2020, 06:58:39 PM by LetItGoAlready »

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #230 on: November 26, 2020, 11:30:15 AM »
Thanks so much, guys. Your support really means a lot.

Day 1
I was feeling fearful yesterday, going from a streak of months, to a streak of weeks, to a streak of a few days, to a streak of even less days. But then I let go of the shame and the hopelessness as I knew that wouldn’t help me - and they were clouding my judgments. then I could see my relapse patterns, and that my plan has been working for me, but after a few days, I ease up on my nofap-foundation-habits, and temptation creeps in.

Also, sex with fantasy has been hindering my progress. I’m playing porn movies in my mind, not letting go of the addiction and the high; I’ve written this many times before – but I’m just reminding myself that these ‘sudden relapses out of the blue’ aren’t happening for no reason, I’m making them happen through my actions (well, my thoughts). I’ve been improving on sex-without-fantasy, but it's time to be stricter with myself and be accountable here on every nuance of every ‘movie’ I play in my head (don’t worry, there’ll be no actual details!)

I was focused today - back to the plan, and wasn't haunted by any chaser effect. A lot of healing has been done, but it's time to start another streak, and this time to break into the second phase. Onward!

Phineas 808

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #231 on: November 26, 2020, 12:24:50 PM »
Great job with that, brother! Sometimes a good reset (that's what I call 'em) is a good thing, because it clears the table, clears your head, and gives you a chance to start anew (without losing any progress gained heretofore).

Know that regardless, you're forgiven. Forgive yourself without qualification. Truly clear the slate, don't hold onto any shame or regret! There is no regret to be had, if you learn from what led you into this 'porn pit'.

If you've done a streak of months, you know it's possible, and that you're capable of so much more!

Going back to your nofap-foundation-habits sounds like a good place to start.

Rooting for you. Onward!



My abstinence is currently at 72+days.

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jixu

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #232 on: November 26, 2020, 09:32:06 PM »
Hi Joel, glad you had a good day.  Like you said, a lot of healing has been done, so don't underestimate that aspect.  Onward indeed !

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #233 on: November 27, 2020, 12:32:21 PM »
Thanks a lot, Phin and Jixu! Another good day. Feeling knackered so it was a low hanging fruit day, and this'll be a very short post, but did all my recovery habits, and avoided any negative thoughts and behaviours. See you tomorrow!

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #234 on: November 28, 2020, 11:20:40 AM »
Another quick check in - keeping this habit tiny is better than not being consistent.

Dragged out by the wife today to be sociable with some friends out in the cold. Got home and got online, started to scroll through movie websites which triggered something bestial in the brain but I pulled myself back - after I write this post - I'll put a web block on - online is not the place i want to be hanging out. Also, while I was out in the cold in slight discomfort, I started spinning fantasies - so I'm going to take them apart. Going to process everything, instead of letting it build and I start feeling like I'm a deprived entitled goofball. Have a great weekend all.

Phineas 808

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #235 on: November 28, 2020, 12:30:37 PM »
Joel, can you explain more what keeping this habit tiny means?

Good job pulling yourself back! I like, too, that you recognized it as an urge from the bestial brain, that's huge! When we can separate our urges as coming from the more primitive part of our brain, and that our frontal cortex has the final say on whether or not we respond, is key in changing our habits.

Quote
Also, while I was out in the cold in slight discomfort, I started spinning fantasies - so I'm going to take them apart.

That reminded me of yesterday at Home Depot, after waiting in a long line (social distancing craziness) in the cold to get in, once in, I caught my mind going off into fantasies! I was wondering what that was about... Lol...!

It could be that, having just endured the cold, our brains habitually went to thought-patterns that would alter our discomfort... Intersting...

Be well, and have a good weekend.
My abstinence is currently at 72+days.

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LetItGoAlready

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #236 on: November 28, 2020, 01:02:50 PM »
Joel-These fantasies and triggers are like the aftershocks following a seismic event, with just enough power to shake you but not enough to throw you off your game if you have a strong mental/emotional foundation. From everything I'm hearing, you're doing exactly what you need to do. You are maintaining an awareness of these fantasies/triggers and you are taking to time to process them and distance yourself from them. Great job standing up to these temptations. Keep up the great work!

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #237 on: November 29, 2020, 12:24:04 PM »
Day 4

Thanks, Phineas. keeping this habit tiny was referring to posting on the forum as I want to be consistent with this, even if it means writing only a line or two.

having just endured the cold, our brains habitually went to thought-patterns that would alter our discomfort

Yep! Absolutely textbook. I'm working on getting more comfortable with discomfort - wanting to escape has led to a lot of bad habits for me.

And thanks, Liga. Yes, have been feeling these aftershock urges. On a longer streak, my brain mostly understood what was not on the menu, now it thinks it has a chance of talking me into something stupid. I've told myself 'this is the streak, no more screwing up' - it seems to have helped.

No daydreaming today, stayed in the present. On top of foundational habits. But did allow sex with fantasy yesterday - just couldn't resist the high. Wrote a note for my daily alignments - 'head porn is porn - it is illicit. Allow yourself positive sexuality.' Going to do my best to succeed at this next time.

Phineas 808

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #238 on: November 29, 2020, 12:47:05 PM »
I see. Thanks for the clarification, Joel.

As for the escapism, that's definitely my story as well. Where before, we would 'change the chanel' on our negative or uncomfortable feelings into porn, now we 'change the chanel' on letting urges go on by.

I like what you said, "...this is the streak, no more screwing up" This is similar to the 'porn is not an option' mindset (which reminds me of another link to add to my links list).

Keep up the good work. You're discovering, rediscovering your inner strength, and that you can outlast any urges as you simply and mindfully breathe through them.

Rooting for you, brother.
My abstinence is currently at 72+days.

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Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #239 on: November 30, 2020, 11:14:13 AM »
Thanks, Phineas, and thanks for reminder about your links list - some good resources there I'd like to get into.
You're discovering, rediscovering your inner strength, and that you can outlast any urges as you simply and mindfully breathe through them.


Yes, they were present today. Perhaps I felt tired and it was a cold grey Monday in lockdown. But I didn't want them, and I knew the promise of pleasurable escape was a lie, so I 'tuned it down'. I thought - this urge is about a 6, breathe slowly, relax and do some common sense self talk and get it down to a 4. I had to do this repeatedly, but it working nicely. Want to hit a week after the last two fails and have a take-out celebration on that night, and move forward from there.

My wife has a spare Mac that I needed to do some work on for her today. I wanted to sign into 'Freedom' to set up my blocks but it didn't work. So it's going to be a tricky challenge. I'm going to spread the work out to 1h a day - hopefully the job shouldn't take too long. I just stayed very very focused. Have a great day alll. See you tomorrow!

(PS! Forgot to say - am well on top of all foundational habits)
« Last Edit: November 30, 2020, 01:42:07 PM by Joel »

LetItGoAlready

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #240 on: November 30, 2020, 11:00:39 PM »
Quote
Yes, they were present today. Perhaps I felt tired and it was a cold grey Monday in lockdown. But I didn't want them, and I knew the promise of pleasurable escape was a lie, so I 'tuned it down'. I thought - this urge is about a 6, breathe slowly, relax and do some common sense self talk and get it down to a 4. I had to do this repeatedly, but it working nicely.

Sounds like your persistence paid off, Joel. Great work!

Quote
Want to hit a week after the last two fails and have a take-out celebration on that night, and move forward from there.

You've done it before, you'll do it again. Full confidence in you!

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #241 on: December 01, 2020, 11:21:55 AM »
Thanks Liga!

Day 6

Woke up this morning with a kind of porn dream happening in my mind. I dozed and played fantasy - not completely my fault, but a better version of me would have seen what was happening and got out of bed. Wife is having her time of the month for a week. Sex wasn't on the table. If it was, would I have behaved myself, or played with fantasy for the high? As I was bloated with fantasies and happy chemicals from earlier. Who knows. All I can do is vizualize doing the deed healthily and hope to succeed at healthy sex next time the opportunity comes along. Now I have a nice opportunity to put sexuality out of my mind for a week and clock up a few more clean days.

Did my hour's work on my wife's unprotected Mac (and wife left the house, of course). It did occur to me that I could relapse, then, boy, my heart started thumping. I didn't need to do much to resist this. Tomorrow it will be a week completely clean, I didn't want to screw that up for the 3rd time running, and I wanted to be accountable here. Thanks everyone out there being part of this community and keeping me grounded. So, I thought, this streak may be short, but it's an important one.

Keeping up my healthy habits. My exercise has lagged recently, so my workout yesterday left me with a few uncomfortable aches and pains, got to ease through the discomfort to where I can exercise without it leaving me too sore. Though I don't always stretch down as much as I should!

So, a good day. Going to get some exercise in now  :o


Phineas 808

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #242 on: December 01, 2020, 12:17:34 PM »
Congrats on 6 days, Joel! Awesome.

I wanted to touch on something you previously said in reply:

Quote
I thought - this urge is about a 6, breathe slowly, relax and do some common sense self talk and get it down to a 4. I had to do this repeatedly, but it working nicely. Want to hit a week after the last two fails and have a take-out celebration on that night, and move forward from there.

This right here is the winning ticket! I'm so grateful that you'll celebrate 1 week, and with this means of dismissing urges, you'll be able to celebrate 1 month, 1 year, 1 decade, 1 lifetime free from your former habits.

I like how you also said that your heart was racing with the thought of relapsing, as being aware of our physiology during urges helps us to identify them, and to mindfully and non-judgmentally dismiss them. It helps us to, if they should come in waves, to dismiss them each time accordingly.

Blessings, brother- you got this!
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Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #243 on: December 02, 2020, 12:06:54 PM »
1 week! whoop! I'll be getting takeout tonight :)

Faced all challenges today, practiced good habits (and getting used to the exercise!). As for negative habits, there was some P fantasy spinning this morning. Such a common habit when I wake up feeling 'morningish'. I'm getting better at this though, as I see now it's not really allowed. I stop myself by saying, 'That's PORN. You're playing it in your head. If you want to be clean that means NO PORN.'

Thanks so much @Phin. Yes, I never thought of that. It shouldn't be, 'Oh, no! Look, my heart is thumping.' It should be - 'Oh, look, my heart is thumping, that's what the body does when I indulge bad ideas.' Objectively look at the physicality - such a game changer.



Phineas 808

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #244 on: December 02, 2020, 01:39:30 PM »
Congratulations on 1 week, Joel!

Practicing good habits, recognizing (non-judgmentally) bad habits, and dismissing urges- with a strong determination: "If you want to be clean that means NO PORN.' "

Indeed, it is a game changer. Separating ourselves from our urges, from our unwanted-habits, and learning to observe as an outsider as we focus on our breathing. This is how we dismiss urges without going into the weird behavior loop that perpetuates our addiction.

Good job, brother!
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Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #245 on: December 03, 2020, 07:51:47 AM »
Thanks Phin!

Day 8
Bad night’s sleep – today I’m groggy and triggered by the discomfort. Being very cautious and making it a day of low hanging fruit. Keeping up my good habits – doing small versions of them though! And doing well at avoiding the bad habits (‘if this is a streak, you can’t play a fantasy in your head – that’s the same as watching P’ – that mantra is a huge game changer - just had to say it again! )

Good moment to write about an interesting moment I had. I’ve been doing ‘writing practice’ – writing my thoughts, and I read a challenge – ‘write about something you do, something that is uncomfortable to write about.’ I felt I had to write about PA – it was very painful to begin with (‘Nobody can ever see this’), but I loosened up and even mentioned my P fetishes and my bemusement over them.

At the same time, I read a good Mark Manson essay on Self Awareness, stand out statements 1 – self awareness should only go so far before it’s self indulgent (I don’t need to over-analyse my fetishes, which P has partly created). statement 2 – the point of self awareness is self acceptance (not – Jesus, look, at me, I’m a piece of s***). And when you can accept this very human part of yourself (ie your faults, because we all have them), you can be accepting of others.

Wow, this really touched something in me. I’m so judgmental of others. I have this special expectation for people that I’ve created and the world is continuously failing to live up to it. One silly but perfect example came up for me that day. I watched a YouTube video by a content creator I like, and – idiot rubber-necker that I am – I scrolled to the comments, and I saw a mean, nasty, but patiently thought out and written comment. Things like that make me despair for mankind, because it’s a culture that didn’t exist a few years ago. Back then we may have had angry letters to an editor, but this modern kind of thing seems to show how people are getting meaner and dumber.

Now, I think, a YouTube comment is the guy’s negativity coming out. My negativity comes out through an attitude about women and P, and it strikes me as more acceptable as it’s a bad habit, but at least it’s not calculated to make others feel shit. My fetish comes out of not feeling in control of my life and the world around me, a sense of entitlement I’ve always had, and the general negativity of day to day life that can push down on me.

So I can accept his actions without despairing for all of modern man, and see him as a fellow human being, instead of seeing the human race becoming a weird alien race that I can’t comprehend and have nothing in common with. Self awareness, self acceptance and acceptance of others, people!

Time to shuffle through the rest of the day

Phineas 808

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #246 on: December 03, 2020, 11:06:23 AM »
Good self-awareness!

I have things I journal about as well, that "no one can see this"- hence, I use codes, lol...! Writing about particular fetishes, now that's something I haven't done..., though I have analyized them, like, 'Why am I into this...?'- beyond the obvious.

This is actually something one can learn from Buddhism, a kind of radical self-acceptance (an actual book with this title, Radical Acceptance!).

I know what you mean too, about how folk are getting meaner and dumber, lol...! A very scary place to be in as a society. But, as you said, to turn this around to being accepting (and loving) of others also.

Compassion, including all- ourselves, and others.

Be well.
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LetItGoAlready

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #247 on: December 03, 2020, 12:18:39 PM »
Joel - Agree with Phineas. Great self-awareness and well done challenging those thoughts that skirt around the edge of P yet are just as potent. You're doing well!

TheNorman

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #248 on: December 04, 2020, 10:25:54 AM »
Agree with Phin and LIGA, excellent self-awareness. Something to keep in mind though: The comment sections of places like YouTube are shining examples of the worst of humanity. Keyboard warriors would be a joke if they weren't so sad. I used to be on Reddit for hours on end and it's similar. I don't miss it at all. Keep digging deep and seeing through the bs!

Joel

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Re: nofap journal
« Reply #249 on: December 06, 2020, 06:47:49 AM »
Day 1

Thanks, guys! Really grateful for everyone right now. Just relapsed and despite all the negative feelings, really means a lot to have people to turn to and feel less alone in this. I'll check out that book Phin. And so true, Norm. I must ride the urge to scroll YT comments. It's a very 'rubber neck' instinct. 'Will it be so bad? ...Yes, it is' :)

Reset yesterday. The slippery slope started on Friday morning. I just felt ‘itchy’ with urges and a low mood. Then a facebook ad triggered me. Then a couple of gateway searches. I pulled myself out of it. but the next day my wife surprised me by saying she was going out, I immediately started planning my day and the healthy things I would do, I thought furiously and focusedly about my plan and tools; then something else just took over. ‘I get to take the drug.’ My addict was as strong a bull and white noise drowned any rational voice .

Thinking about it. My slip may have started on Thursday. After a bad night’s sleep, I felt awful, and planned a not-very-challenging day; a clever thing to do. but I think on this day I allowed stupid thoughts in – ‘I’m being deprived in this life/ I’m bored.’ Sure, it’s lock down, life is boring, I’m reading up on Zen and accepting bad moods. We’re not supposed to feel awesome all the time. But I should have ignored or processed those negative thoughts. Might have made a difference.

As for the next step? Been trying to align myself with my long streak that ended 6-ish weeks ago so I could carry on my happy P-free life. I think my idea is something like: ‘If  a new streak goes on long enough, I’ll cancel out the damage of the recent bad behaviour’. But I’m going in a cycle of urges and relapse at the moment. I need to start a streak, hit some milestones, and aim to get to 90. The 90-day streak is a good, goal-orientated tool; NF is my priority during this time. it’s frustrating to have to put other things on the back burner during this time, and I should use that frustration as a motivation – I’m sick of being in this place... well, don’t take the easy, indulgent road next time, then.

What could I have done differently? ...when suddenly being left home alone? The weather wasn’t so bad. I could have grabbed my ipod and got out there, could have made a phone call and talked to someone while outside. The lazy part of me wanted to stay home – I’d been planning home things; so I sat and I sat (in bed!), until indulging felt like a good idea. TBH it took me by surprised a bit, because I haven't succumbed to a relapsed like that in months.

On Friday, when I started slipping but pushed through the urges – I should have gone to my nofap material. My Why's, my affirmations and so on. On that note, I’ve been very focused these days on the positives of recovery. ‘I’ll be more focused, more loving, I can work better, I can read and write more, etc’. I need to remind myself of the negatives of P more. It’s a huge motivation – I hate the brain fog, the motivation it saps, the brainless monkey it turns me into, the hopelessness and depression it creates...

Will be back soon with a check in, and report on some tangible actions/ changes I've taken.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2020, 09:57:54 AM by Joel »