nofap journal

[Joel]

Hi,
Joel from the UK here. Made unemployed by Covid and am living with my wife in a small apartment in Lockdown. I'd ideally like to use the quiet time to focus on achieving sobriety and working on my side-hussle. I've been addicted to PMO since I was a kid. Have been trying to kick it for about 5years. I've had some success and got to 90days once, but Lockdown has been a challenge and I've had recent relapses.

Wanted to start a journal and this is Day 1. Just listened to a nofap audio that inspired me to affirm my nofap ‘system’ that I hope will take me to full sobriety:

A morning routine, preferably without use of a computer; as morning was my main relapse time.

Some blockers – Google is blocked on my computer before midday. I currently have the web blocked on my phone until 7pm during this tense time of lockdown.

A grid of healthy habits including meditation, exercise and creative challenges

A method for urges I learned from Universal Man on YT - Calm myself (mini meditation), then rationally talk to the urge/ shine truth on the lies, then do something else - preferably physical.

Journal about issues and emotions that arise, and make a daily day plan

Analyze my relapses so I improve.

[realfakeusername]

Hi Joel!
I think it took the lockdown for me to realize what I was doing with PMO. Some of it is the extra time to self reflect, but it is also the extra time to get out of control. Sometimes it takes a crisis. Sounds like you have a plan and the meditation is helping me, among other things to keep me occupied with productive distractions to mundane time wasting. I think that helps dial down the dopamine. I am new to this and won't give advice, just encouragement. Best of luck to you on your recovery. Your family will love you for it and they deserve it too.

[Joel]

Thanks Realfake and Mr.slurps!

Yeh, Covid is a strange time... we have time for quiet and reflection, but also big emotions and a lack of basic things I took for granted - going out, being near others and all that.

Day 2 going well.

A lot of reflection. I see that a reason for my relapses, what pulls me back in after long streaks is I’m not letting go of a fantasy of the perfect looking woman with perfect sexual behaviours. I feel entitled to that ideal, I feel deprived when I don’t have it, and if I don’t get it in real life, I use porn, tricking my brain into thinking it’s getting it. I try to stop PMO, because the effects feel horrible, I’ve shifted my attitudes, I’ve created a positive life and a loving heart, but deep down I’ve not wanted to let go of something that makes me so high, that can shift my state so powerfully.

But sexual gratification is an empty promise. I’ve had ‘perfect looking’ girlfriends before; one of them, their only hobby was watching Pixar films. After a week, I was so bored, but I was a slave to her face, her hair, and her body. all those relationships were nightmares.

And as for porn, it’s worse than an empty promise, it never satisfies, it only leads to wanting more, and usually weirder, escalating material. It’s an addiction, and brings with it all the negativies of addiction. I want to be free of it.

Those pretty faces are alluring, but can’t I just accept this fact and move on, instead of indulging in addictive behaviour? And a woman may be wearing a provocative outfit in the street, can’t I accept this without looking twice?

I heard something recently about what to do with these fantasies – let go of that harmful fantasy, it’s an immature ideal that a lifetime of media, TV and porn have created. It’s a lie, leads to inauthentic action, and has to die. Feel it and shine light on it. I won’t be manipulated by it. I can accept it, and I don’t have to feel like I’m missing out. I’m fine in my life without it. And don’t objectify women! If I see a woman in the street, she deserves more than me only seeing her sexuality; she’s a whole person with real fears and pains.

[UKGuy]

You sound like a really switched on guy Joel. Love the stuff in your last post about the pull of attractive women and also the bit around entitlement. One of my long term triggers was perceived 'rejection' from my wife. She is a fantastic person but if I didn't feel as if I was getting what I needed from her, or worse still we had a row about something, PMO felt like a right. Logically of course I knew that was a nonsensical and selfish reaction, but it wasn't until I diagnosed it as a trigger (alongside loneliness, boredom, being hungover, celebrating success etc) that I was able to remove its power.

You mentioned Porn Free Radio on my journal. Not sure if you've seen the post I wrote about recommended episodes but here is if you've not:

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18363.0

I'd been aware of the scientific theory of YBOP, read Gary's book etc years ago, but it wasn't until I felt utterly helpless, went to PFRadio, and realised that the missing ingredient in my recovery was connectivity and accountability to others and came here to fill that need, that things really started happening for me. I do have the benefit of lockdown and temporary unemployment which has been an enabler for me (interesting to read that it's been a hinderance to you - I guess we're all a little bit different but a lot the same, simultaneously!?), but my plan is to build a streak during this time that will 'reboot', and be a solid foundation to stand the test of the reintroduction of stresses in the future.

I sincerely hope that you find the community of similar benefit. My advice would be:
- take your time to explore the other journals, particularly in your own age group (you seem to be doing this already!)
- keep your own journal and share what you are comfortable sharing - it will enable you to form connections with guys that are experiencing similar things in their journey
- as JoePanic says "post often - it helps me, it helps you". I try to come here daily and contribute somewhere where I can, or share the latest in my own progress.

Great to have you on board for the ride, and look forward to further dialogue. Cheers.

[Joel]

Thanks, mate. You have some really sound self awareness going on too. And that resource of yours looks amazing. Can't wait to get into it! I do think overall that Lockdown helps with sobriety - so I think this could really be our time if we seize the opportunity; of course we can always find excuses.

I actually think I overdid the forum yesterday until, I was here until 4pm. My brain was exhausted and I did nothing the rest of the day. Not bad activity for someone only on day 3.

So, Day 3
My wife doesn’t know about my nofap work. She doesn’t know what an issue it is for me and how much of my time and brain-power it takes up. I know there's a strong argument about coming clean, and maybe I will one day. I realised yesterday how it isolated me from her. ‘How was your day?’ I didn’t want to answer, ‘Well, I thought about nofap for 6 hours…’ I’m not a very open person generally. I like to come across (to everyone) as a cool guy, a nice guy, a laid back guy who likes playing music and reading good books. I don’t like to admit to weakness or moments of depression. So, for instance, last night I wanted to watch a cheesy, guilty-pleasure TV show, but didn’t want to admit that to my wife, and ended up feeling uptight (so dumb, I know). So, I realised, if I’m not ready to come clean that 90% of my energy is going into not fapping for 90 days, the least I can do is be as open as possible about everything else in my life/ mind.

[joepanic]

Good morning Joel

    Ive been following your journal the last few days  and see some parralells between us. Especially the fantasy  and the need to keep  my addiction from my wife.  I believe the fantasy can be either changed or controlled as I seem to have put mine under control  because it is still there.  I have finally managed after 35 years to have given up porn for good.  But I dont believe the fantasy to be an evil thing  and neither does my wife.  We are humans it is a part of who we are.  Some of us have fantasies of being rock stars or sports stars but we dont stop watching those.  We just learn to control it.  My wife is pretty good sometimes of helping me with the fantasy thing so I am very lucky there.  But muddling it with a sense of entitlement  is where the danger lies.  That is where we begin to cross the line  by trying to make it more real somehow(i.e. porn) That is one area you probably need to work on.   As for not telling your wife  you would have my support on that as I have not told my wife all the details.  She new I "surfed a little porn" but not that I was outright addicted to it.  I was a fully functioning addict  I went to work  took part in family life  did not suffer from pied.  All the damage done was to me.  My time was taken up  my hobbies suffered  etc.  I believe we are here to  reboot our brains  and not fix our relationships.  I feel that is another matter altogether than can be adressed after  we have  rebooted.  I am now way over 150 days clean  and have never felt better It took me over 2 years of serious  work to get here  But it is well worth it in the end.

  Cheers

 Post often it helps me it helps you 

[Joel]

Thanks mate. This is like a dream come true. For so long I've wanted to talk to guys going through the same thing, and there are so many awesome people here. Sure, I feel that my wife and I are doing really well considering the tiny space we've been sharing during lockdown; and it's my hope that after a good streak, my brain won't be dominated 90% by thoughts of porn and nofap, so I naturally won't be isolating my thoughts from her.

[Joel]

Day 4 - feeling good, no serious urges

I have a sore neck so will probably forgo exercise today, same as yesterday - bit of a shame. But just had a nice sunny walk. I was just thinking to myself, am leaning into the comfort of this and not challenging myself enough? The conclusion is - I achieve nothing while I'm an addict, so while I'm only on day 4 - it's allowed. Next week, I thought of allowing myself sessions of looking at my side-hustle. I'm even playing with the idea of trying one session today.

I'm also self conscious of getting 'high' off this nofap streak (I know it's very early days, but it feels good). You can tell I've been through this process a lot as I'm so scared and conscious of so many elements. It's good I'm getting dopamine from having a streak instead of from PMO, but I have to eventually settle down into the long haul and deal with the discomfort of a life without a drug I've used for so long, without getting high from 'status' of having a streak.

Another issue that came up yesterday is talking to a friend of my wife, who is 'perfectly attractive' (nice personality too). She is that perfect physical ideal that I mentioned in an earlier post, that I need to stop yearning for to live a good, happy life. This woman has held out a long time looking for a perfect partner, but now she's at a time in her life where she's quite desperate. This 'available' nature makes me start to spin fantasies in my mind (if I'd have met her first...).

This is bullshit, I know. I mentioned below that I've had awful relationships because I dated a face or a body type. My wife and I have been together 7 years and it's been great. But the other woman has shinier hair and a more diamond shaped face.

A thing that I do is tease my wife. I do it with humour, and she laughs easily which encourages me. Sometimes I go too far and she gets annoyed. I try hard to stop the habit but it's a challenge as it's so ingrained in me. I realised a root of the behaviour is I resent her not being more glamorous. She isn't vain and doesn't dress up, and likes comfy, baggy clothes and all that; and yes - I've been busy getting off to pornstars on a screen.

My idea/ resolution is to read/ write a few words every day to remind myself of the truth - Dating a pretty face is an empty promise, and a disaster, think about your past. My wife is awesome for these reasons...

[joepanic]

Hey Joel   

     Perhaps you might need to just put that on your journal every day that Dating just a pretty face and perfect body  is going to lead to disaster and post something awesome about your wife  each day.  I tell youn the power of your own words can work wonders over time   One of my old tactics was when I was driving in my car alone  sometimes I would use a really loud voice almost a yell saying things like"i am #$%^&%$%^&ing  stronger than porn  I am better than this   I will beat the addiction  and than think about all the things I really wanted to do  nand than the reasons why.  My outlook began to change  as I was also easily reminded of my goal  to quit  because of the experience later   To me it was my way of thinking outside the box

   
    Cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you

[mr.slurps]

Hey Pal,   It's funny how my mind works. (randomly/weird) So, I'm in the supermarket line which is long line b/c of... So I picked up one of the tabloids. They actually had something cool. They had pictures of the stars and partners at home, not made up, as close to candid as you can get.
Their was a pic of Paul Newman (if I swung that way I'd go for him lol) frying eggs w/ Joanne Woodward watching. There's a quote by her, "Once the sexiness wears off, it's that one laugh a day that matters."
So, maybe treasure that one laugh you can give. (you do seem to have some great Irish sense of humor)

[Joel]

Thanks JoeP - I'm doing that and it feels effective so far. And thanks Slurp, we definitely laugh together. My humour is well meaning as long as my heart isn't tainted or feeling deprived.
day 5
Having a good mellow day. Incapacitated by a throbbing back pain yesterday; feeling much better today, but have been cautious and still, making sure I mend up. And feeling a little bored, think I'm ready to face work challenges next week. Lock down is easing up here, I've got mixed feelings about it. Wife went to see a friend today - giving me extended opportunity to indulge, but not for a moment did I consider it! Reboot Nation went down yesterday - left me in a right panic! Feeling plugged into this community feels really important, felt almost sick at the thought of it disappearing.

[UKGuy]

Joel - big respect for staying clean when your wife went out. I do think that the lockdown is giving me a helping hand in my (43 day) streak. The real test will be when I have the luxury of time on my own. I guess being aware of that trigger ahead of time, and hopefully continuing my streak and 'rebooting' in the meantime will hold me in good stead, but there's nothing like proving it, and that's exactly what you just did. Respect! PS...I always wondered, but never asked....what's the side hustle you spoke about in your first post (if you're comfortable sharing that is?) cheers for now.

[joepanic]

Nice Going Joel  on staying strong   I know the feeling  when the site goes down for a moment   It seems we really do have a community here  that has become a great resource  I suppose an idea  to talk about is where else we can  find this community when the need arises  or even something  that can work in tandom with this one    Hope the back is on the mend   getting out for excersise is such a great help in this battle

   Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

[Joel]

Thanks Guy and JoeP! My back is much better. Was only the 1 day it really got painful. The doctor can see nothing wrong with it; very likely stress related, and I believe giving up the crutch of porn is a big part of that.

The real test will be when I have the luxury of time on my own. I guess being aware of that trigger ahead of time, and hopefully continuing my streak and 'rebooting' in the meantime will hold me in good stead, but there's nothing like proving it, ....what's the side hustle you spoke about in your first post

Yep, plan ahead! That's the advice our friend, the Dobber, would give.

Funny you ask, you've caught the inauthentic me out there. I'm actually trying to write a novel but was embarrassed to say it. I do think of it as a side hustle in a way, cos I'd love to earn money by writing books. I've cobbled together a draft and I'm now trying to make it sound professional. It's a real trigger for me, as i feel that imposter syndrome. I'm being a perfectionist and just get frustrated when it doesn't come easy to me. I'm too hopeful about creating something good. Today is the first time I'm looking at it since I started this streak. I'm starting the week with a rule of only doing two 15minute spurts a day to ingrain the habit - not more, even if I want too. Just did one and it made me really irritable and created some minor urges. It's a tricky chapter and I don't usually have this much trouble - but it happens.

And on the topic of embarrassment and in-authenticity. Funny thing happened yesterday.  i started listening to my podcast in a small quiet room. My wife is nearby, and the audio goes - THIS IS PORN FREE RADIO - really loudly. She doesn't flinch, like she hasn't heard a thing. 95% likely she did. What I found fascinating was the intense red heat of shame that burned me - it seems crazy that I can't own this. that something that's been part of my life for over 20 years, I'd have such trouble saying - yes it's a problem for me and I'm trying to beat it. I guess it's my ego - that porn addiction is something I don't want tainting this image of myself I try to put out there into the world. Half a dozen other times, pretty obvious but not 100% evidence of my addiction and the fact that I consume nofap material semi-appeared; but we're being English and not talking about it openly. I think it's an unspoken understanding; she knows I'm trying to beat it, I know she knows...

[Joel]

I got this from porn-free-radio – my 7 day plan starting yesterday. I'll report on my performance!

1 – if I could live last week over again I’d...
be nicer to my wife. I’m going to note down every time I say something dumb, and every time I say something nice, to be more conscious and get control of this.
2 – things I get to enjoy this week
Take a walk every morning and evening (weather is supposed to be good!)
3 - this week I’m letting go of...
all fantasizing. If it happens, I’ll push it away and come back to the present.
Bullshit internet searches (‘I wonder what that actress is doing these days...’)
4 And I’m moving toward...
Discipline: 2 daily writing sessions
Energy – push against fatigue and do the things I ideally want to do
5 - I’m aware of these threats to my sobriety this week...
Bad moods, feeling trapped and the monotony of Covid, and the need to mentally escape
6 – these are the tools I’ll use in those situations...
more walks alone, more music, more journaling and self talk
7 I will take care of myself with...
‘dates with myself’ - more lone afternoon walks and a movie night
8. if I slip this week, I’ll...
Give up TV for 7 days? (don't think I’ll use a negative enforcement)
9. If I get to 10 days, I’ll ...
Have sex! It’ll actually be a challenge because I’m determined not to use fantasy in my mind or be focused on myself (these are the bad habits I’ve fallen into). I’ll make it a romantic Occasion.

[mr.slurps]

Hi Joel,   This is downright spooky, weird... law of attraction?
Anyhow, I've been writing my first book, for tweens. Hardly ever talk re it b/c of a lot of the reasons you don't. But you and Reboot came through again.  If you can talk re it then so can I.
That part is very coincidental but not weird.  You're not going to believe the rest!
I've been stalled for a while and decided today to put myself on a strict regimen of 2 writing sessions/day. I set the alarm and award myself w/ raisins lol.
Perhaps this is too far off topic but if this is not some sort of cosmic/karmic sign from somewhere, I don't know what is.

I'm not going to question you re how's the writing going b/c I know that can be annoying and one of the reasons I don't reveal too much. (esp. since it's my first book)  Plus we need to maintain anonymity. 

[UKGuy]

Hi Joel,
Good luck with the book - it seem as if you have a literary soulmate now in Mr Slurps too - the unexpected benefits of the community!
Thanks for sharing your PFR 7 day plan. I have used this myself in the past and found it useful. There was one aspect of your plan that I wanted to politely enquire about...I wonder if sex as a reward for sobriety is the right reward to choose? I say this for a couple of reasons:
1) given that porn addiction is a sex addiction, perhaps the reward should be something outside of the world of sex, and in doing so reinforce the truth that there is a whole world out there to enjoy that has nothing to do with sex. When I did mine, my reward was to go (indoor) skiing with a friend one Friday night and have some beers afterwards. He didn't know that it was my reward of course, but I did.
2) Where does sex with your wife sit as part of your plan? I presume from what you've written so far that you aren't trying to do a 'hard re-boot', but rather get off porn and start to enjoy a more fulfilling and loving sex life with your wife? If this is the case, why deny you (and her) this by making it your reward. If you both want to make love, then do it. There are also some subtle but implied risks about your rights in having sex as a reward. Just because you do your 7 days doesn't necessarily give you the right to the reward as it depends on your wife wants this too! Perhaps the reward should be something that's completely in your control.
On a more general subject - it would be good to hear your thoughts on the pros and cons of sharing your battle with your wife, particularly in light of what you say. I don't think there are any rights and wrongs in whether one shares or not, and it is very much up to the individual and the circumstances. I ask this because reading in between the lines it seems as if you have an understanding wife and there may be benefits in cultivating some openness with her. In interests of full disclosure, my wife knows about my struggle (and is very helpful, controlling passwords to wifi filters etc). I even update her on my 'streak'. What I have chosen to keep from her though (driven by shame and desire to protect her) was the penchant for chat sites/apps that I developed over the past few years.
I hope the post above isn't too direct, but I felt it important to share my thoughts in as constructive a way as possible and am really interested in your feedback. Take care and good luck with the plan.

[Joel]

@slurps Crazy coincidence! Or something more cosmic…? Especially the ‘two sessions’ idea. I didn’t pick that idea up from anywhere, but I want to get in the habit of writing in the morning and the afternoon. I think it is important to write about our other goals, because this is what we’re trying to replace P with. For example, I’m doing such tiny writing sessions this week, I hardly get any momentum, they hardly feel worth it, but at only week 2 of reboot, I’m more focused on the habit of sitting down to start than the work or the finished product. It's more of a nofap tool than my hopeful future profession.

And yes, I don’t want to give too much away, and to be anonymous, as the more open about who I am, I’m sure I’ll become less honest about my journey and what I’m working through.

BELOW MAY BE TRIGGERS

@Guy. Thanks so much for the thoughtful reply. I haven’t gone too deep (so far) on this online journal, as I didn’t expect anyone to be paying too much attention, so I’m really grateful to be called on it, and to thrash out my own ideas about it here.

"I wonder if sex as a reward for sobriety is the right reward to choose?"

I’ve thought it over and yes, I’m going through with it! Firstly, other rewards are tricky at the moment – going out, seeing people; and I’m being good to myself often to balance out being in Lock Down. But more importantly:

Sex with my wife has never been that exciting (for me). (I’ve been a p addict or trying to reboot throughout our whole relationship). If sex is 100% exciting, p and the dopamine it creates is 500% more exciting. When I have sex (except once or twice when I’ve been really focused), I always give in to p fantasy, as it makes my excitement-chemicals explode.

Having a vague idea of kinda wanting to hardmode reboot screws me a lot. I awake, feeling morning-crap, a lot, and roll over to have lazy sex, thinking – this is allowed, but I always relapse to p not long after. So I need a strict rule around this – This is not allowed!

So my current idea is, I’ve read about a more meaningful way to have loving sex (I’ll expand on this later so the post isn’t too long). And after reading Rookie’s excited connection with his wife, I want to challenge myself to achieve this. it will be in the evening, I’ll make an occasion of it and light some candles, so our sex will be more sporadic but more special. It’s not the 500% p-fantasy kind of sex, so it’s going to feel perhaps even boring for me. But there will be joy in coming together with my wife, and having an O isn’t even necessary for me.

I’ve told myself in the past, sex during reboot is okay, because I want my wife to feel loved, but eventually, I’m just allowing myself to get off. When I was decided if this wasn’t a really dumb idea, what made me decide to do it was, the above kind of sex is completely different to PMO and my usual style of sexuality. And though I say, ‘sex as reward’, there’s no entitlement, it’s completely for her, if she’s not in the mood, that’s just going to make my reboot easier, and I’ll happily go and buy a candy bar!

As for your last thought – tell her? Then I’d be able to attempt full Hardmode. It’s something I don’t feel ready for. Maybe I’m only putting it off by trying this ‘experiment’, and I’m letting my ego be inauthentic when I should be tearing it down to build it up again. I’m just trying everything I can do on my own first. My worry is that I have this big burden to deal with, then I tell my wife as a way to help, but then she’s hurt, and I’ve created a something else I have to deal with. Then maybe she needs support from somewhere to deal with her new issue. Is this BS to help me save my ego? Could be. It’s good I admit to what’s happening rather than not thinking about it as the years go by. My marriage suffers because of this addiction, if I have to swallow some pride and be open to save it, I should eventually do it.

[joepanic]

Hey Joel

     you make some really ineteresting points in your last entry   As for telling your wife  that is a decison only you can make   I have chosen not to as  (and this may seem odd)  my wife knew I surfed a little porn  just not that I was an outright addict.  It never bothered her  that I surfed porn  as she is pretty open minded.  She doesnt know I was into chat  but I have kicked that to the curb also.  Neither of us the jelous type. From time to time  she has pointed out  gals she thinks I might like on the street and Ive done the same with men I  We are strong enough in our marraige.  Basically I am not divulging that I had a weekness an addiction if you will   I dont know how that might change things by telling her.  She has seen the improvments in me the last 5 months and chalked it up to  me deciding to workout and get healthy.  I have made off comments that I dont watch porn anymore and it hasnt really phased her in any way.  If you are able to get it  kicked to the curb and change your views on women why  bother with the disclosure.  As long as you are now leading the life you want to lead   one that is  focused on her than its all good.  If you do someday choose to  disclose than thats fine too   but the decision should be yours alone

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

[UKGuy]

Thanks for such a comprehensive reply Joel and for taking my question in the spirit intended. I understand more fully now, and am cheering you on to hope you get to your reward, and that it everything you both want it to be. Ref telling her, I think Joe sums it up perfectly with "As long as you are now leading the life you want to lead   one that is  focused on her than its all good." Have a good day.

[mr.slurps]

Hi Guys, It would have been 2 weeks but it's day 0. I feel low but don't feel like quitting.  Sorry if I let anyone down.
Maybe some of you wise men even saw it coming.  I didn't.

[Joel]

@slurps. Sorry to hear that, my friend. 2 weeks is an achievement, hopefully something you can build on. I think I wrote my ideas on your thread – when you feel yourself slipping (I think we all know what that feels like), I’d suggest putting all your efforts into nofap. By that, I mean, (for example) use all your time consuming nofap material, writing in a journal and spending time on the forum - maybe days. A moment will come when you’ll have filled yourself up with so much good stuff, you’ll feel motivated and will want sobriety rather than porn (wanting porn is where that ‘struggle’ feeling comes from, even if part of you is determined to stay clean, and you're on a streak). I often reached out and told people when I could feel myself slipping, but couldn't do anything about it. This is advice I had to work out for myself.

@joeP, very amused by your reply as your relationship with your wife is almost note for note the same as mine! The reason I seem half-keen on telling my wife is, you wrote the line - She has seen the improvements in me the last 5 months and chalked it up to  me deciding to workout and get healthy. It’s the same for me, but I have to replace ‘5months’ with ‘5 years’. On the one hand, I’m learning new things and progressing; on the other hand, I recently found an old journal and found myself saying similar things in 2016, I have to wonder if I’m going in circles. At the moment, I’m feeling humbly confidant and am curious what I can achieve in the next 3 months.

Day 11 – below may be triggers
I didn’t have sex as a day-10-celebration. The current ‘heatwave’ in the UK left us feeling sticky and uncomfortable, so getting amorous didn’t seem appropriate, I was off the hook! The next challenge concerning this idea is to make sure I plan ahead for next time. I can’t let spontaneous sex happen, where it’s not a special occasion where I’m focused; where I may be lazy, more caring about getting myself off, and end up using fantasy in my head, which is when my sobriety usually falls apart. The weather will cool (apparently) on the weekend, so I’m delaying sex until Sunday.

This ‘new kind of sex’ I mentioned in my last post is inspired by a book I found on audible - Tantra, Sex for the Soul by Niyaso Carter. I heard the author in an interview, making some good points, she even mentioned how porn has warped our sexuality, which I very much related to. ‘Tantra’ isn’t the clichéd idea we have of it, it’s basically loving sex, where you’re very present, in your body, focused on your partner and love, and an orgasm isn’t the be all and end all. I’m taking this part of my reboot so seriously because I’ve had a streak of 5 months before, but being sexual with my wife again screwed things up because my sexuality was so tied into pornographic ideas.

As for 'rewards' for milestones, all I could think to do was a mindshift - as my days have so many rewards and luxuries. I had coffee in bed yesterday, which I love, but do every day, but on this day I thought - this is awesome, this is my reward for 10 days clean.

[Joel]

Day 12
Challenge today is wife is going out for a few hours, giving me opportunity. We've also had a disagreement which has left me a bit angry. So not too happy being left alone with that emotion. I've planned out my day, especially the period she'll be out. And checking in here before and after.

It's been a successfully clean week. I failed at my attempt at creative productivity - such a tiny goal too. As it was early in the reboot, I went easy on myself, but next week I'd like to push myself harder on this. A recent porn-free-radio podcast talks about a '7 day stretch'. The idea is we need reasonable challenges, finding a sweet spot between being bored and getting overwhelmed. Am currently listening to another one about how we're designed to 'avoid pain and seek pleasure', and am going to mull over this - eg I like the relief of being lazy and doing a leisure activity instead of writing, but I'd get more pleasure by focusing and achieving my goals by the end of the week.

Have a good weekend all.

[Joel]

All good

[UKGuy]

Well done Joel - disagreement with my wife always led to relapses for me before I figured out that they were a trigger. Hope it was nothing too serious. On other matters have you come across Atomic Habits written by James Clear? - worth a look given your comments on writing v leisure etc. I found it really helpful, and funnily enough, it was the Dobber that recommended it on his weekly email.