Ex-edger

[UKGuy]

*******************************
*      WHOOP WHOOP, PARTY TIME!    *
*                                                     *
*      CONGRATULATIONS TO MY        *
*         MAIN MAN MR SLURPS           *
*                                                     *
*              10 DAYS CLEAN                *
*   (JUST LIKE THE COMFY CHAIR!)    *
*                                                     *
*        KEEP GOING, MY FRIEND!        *
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[mr.slurps]

Hiya UK,
You have no idea what that just meant to me. 
10 days!
I'm more optimistic. Plus I feel in some nebulous way that this journey will improve my life in other areas. That probably seems quite obvious and why most are here. 
Of course everyone knows this addiction is harmful/bad/debilitating.
I know all that but it is starting to really sink in on a deeper level.
It probably touched/damaged, directly or indirectly, every bit of my life.

I don't know if it's my age/amt of time immersed or the nasty/shameful aspect of the p, but I'm realizing this stuff cuts deep.
It's comparable to cancer on some levels.

[joepanic]

MR SLURPS!!!!!!

                                                             CONGRATULATIONS

        10 days brother  the 1st victory of many more to come   Take some time to reflect back on what you did to achieve it  and than soldier on for another 4 days to mke 2 weeks   thats no small feat for an (ex) addict

     Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

[Rookie]

Congrats my friend!!! 10 days is absolutely huge!!!!

Now that's a streak to build on!! When we get to 3 - 4 days, it's "easy" to fall, cause you think to yourself, "it's only 3 days, I can start that anytime". But 10 days, you're well on your way. Pride will start setting in that you just don't want to break that streak...

Well done sir!!!

[Joel]

Congrats!! Onward!!!

[mr.slurps]

Hey guys,  Thanks for the encouragement.  It really helps me.
Yesterday I made it through but it was a close call.
An old contact from the dating site started sexting. I almost went down the rabbit hole but managed to delete her in time.  Whew!
I hope you all are doing ok w/ the quarantine.  Some of my friends have gotten depressed/pessimistic.
Look at us, if anyone ever made lemonade out of a sour situation it is us!
This may seem random, even for me, but here it is:
I used to volunteer doing burials.  It is considered a high level of charity b/c you can't be thanked by the person you helped. ( btw It doesn't creep me out.)
Here's the connection... one of the most courageous things in our society is breaking an addiction.  And unlike people quitting smoking, or getting off the bottle, probably nobody will ever know about our battle.
We get no slap on back or 'way to go!' (except in this forum)

[UKGuy]

That is such a significant achievement Mr Slurps. Most of the time, our triggers are internal - moods, fears, boredom...with the occasional external stimulus such as seeing someone in the supermarket queue that we find attractive. We train ourselves through this process to recognise those triggers and deal with them before they take root and we switch to 'addiction autopilot' and act out. However, I don't think many of us (yourself included) prepare ourselves for such an unexpected advance from a willing participant. To have resisted that pull is such a testament to your progress.....bravo!
The other things I note in your post is around recognition by others - that's something I've craved for years, particularly in my professional life, and I am currently going through a journey to try and wean myself off it - I think one of the things that I have learned is that self acceptance, love and congruence, if it can be found, is significantly more valuable and long lasting than the temporary approval or recognition from others. So the journey is worth it (and some) despite it going unrecognised by most.

[mr.slurps]

Hi, Guys,  Thanks for the support.  It is crucial on days like today.  I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth.
I found myself doing a wimpy thing-- bargaining.
It went something like this:  "If I don't pmo then it's ok to sext, right? If I don't o then it's still good right?"  The answer is definitely "NO!" but it is so weak it scares me.
Then I fall into another trap.  "It's ok for all those other people to succeed, they haven't been through what I have... they're married...they haven't been addicted as long as me..."
That's also crappy logic.  Just excuses.
Have any of you guys been through these wimpy dialogues when you were really struggling?

[UKGuy]

In a word, 'YES' Mr S....I can relate.

It's as if the thinking part of your brain has been hacked by the reward centre in your brain and is trying to come up with logical arguments to justify acting out. My old routine was that my brain would convince me that a certain (relatively innocuous) activity was ok. e.g.: looking at photos of attractive female friends on facebook. This is the critical point that you have to keep control of. If I could overcome it, I'd draw strength and carry on. If I succumbed, I can 100% GUARANTEE you that very quickly my behaviour would have escalated, and we all know where the story ends. I found that when your brain is trying to create these arguments, just like a barrister/lawyer arguing a case, it completely ignores the other side of the argument...so the brain wont second thought to all the reasons you are trying to give up porn/edging whatever...the shame, the fatigue, the foggy head, the lack of sleep, the time wasting. It is up to YOU to be the opposing barrister and put this case forward with conviction....and then make your judgement with certainty. Also, don't forget Traveler32/Shade's 6 point plan, which is priceless on occasions like this:

1. Recognize the urge
2. Allow that the urge is there (you cannot will it away, let it be and analyze it)
3. Investigate why the urge is there (is there something inside of you that makes you resort to PMO?)
4. Realize that the urge is temporary
5. Recall the feeling of emptiness after a PMO wank
6. (optional if the urge is really strong) Resort to an emergency activity such as sports, anti-sexual activities, other hobbies.

Keep strong my friend!

[Joel]

Absolutely, I could list them all but won’t bother. A great tool for this is jounaling and self-talk. You’re already conscious that this voice is ‘wimpy’ and not the authentic you. It’s the addiction wanting its drug. Like a kid wanting its candy (and we all know giving a kid candy whenever it cries equals disaster). Writing down the process is effective and calming. So write down these arguments and have a dialogue with them until your ‘child’ and ‘adult’ agree.

Eg - If I don't pmo then it's ok to sext, right?/ no, they’re both poison, and I decided it’s my strict rule that tech and sexuality are things that don’t mix during my reboot. (this may go back and forth for a page until you feel at peace).

Then if you relapse. Look at your journal, and see where the dialogue was faulty – look at the holes in your submarine and patch them up. Eg – I didn’t make a strict rule about sexting, and I got excited and eventually relapsed. My new strict rule from now on is, no sexting! And there is no compromise around that.

In my experience, if you’re struggling, you have to deal with your struggle and get on top of it; instead of continuously struggling for 90 days. Read the forums and write in your journal until you feel fully bought in and feel strong about continuing your reboot. If you see a sexy women in the street, go home, get out your journal and process your emotions. Onward!


Ah, didn't see that Guy had written a really helpful reply, but that was my off-the-top-of-my-head thought

[joepanic]

Hey Mr Slurps

              Yes Im sure most of us have bargained  are way through this   It is part of the process and in time you will soon  begin seeing the logic in that it doesnt help you.  During the times when your not suffering  urges when your mind is clear   work as hard as you can on a hobby  or something  so you begin to find new pleasures in life and perhaps whe the urge hits your mind might be able to lead you to  your new hobby.

   Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

[mr.slurps]

Day 0,  Sorry guys.  I edged today.  Would have been 2 weeks.  I feel weak and a bit hopeless. But I don't feel like I want to quit.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Mr.Slurps,

you have nothing and I stress nothing to be sorry for! You do not have to account for anything to us. we are your peers and we will keep supporting you!
Yes, it's sad that you've relapsed but it's also a bump in the road towards a porn free life, they are part of the journey, we all face them!

So nothing to apologize for and keep your chin up!

So, what made you edge again? Was it a location, a time or were you triggered? Understanding the answers will help you prevent it next time!


Im still rooting for you man, and a little extra today!

[UKGuy]

Mr S,
I echo Shade's comment that you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.
13 days is a fantastic achievement that will have built resilience. The slip is an opportunity to learn and grow stronger still.
I have been failing for so long, but every time try to diagnose why? Every time, make the plan and your arsenal of tools that little bit more watertight, until one day you reach a critical mass of pieces of the jigsaw that tips you into the victorious zone. So long as you keep trying and trying to build on your progress, you're improving. For example...if you get back on your horse now (as you clearly have just by being here vs falling off and staying off), and you put in another 2 weeks, you'll have edged twice in a month. How does that compare to the old Mr S? Very favourably I would suggest - certainly not failure. All that time back, your improved mood, mindset, perspective about women...they are all victories. Just because a soccer team lets a goal in, it doesn't mean they've lost the game … they regroup, refocus and push on.
My critical mass of jigsaw pieces came when I joined up here. But by that point I had an awful lot of other tools (or pieces) in place. You have been fortunate to find the benefit of being here as one of the earlier pieces in your journey. The quest is to find the others as you go - and anyone following you can see how many you've collected over the past fortnight. But where are the others? What are the learnings from within, and specifically (as Shade says), where were the triggers - what were the emotional and physical circumstances that led up to the slip. When did it start to go a little off course? Was it a bit of complacency that crept in after your 10 day celebration? Was it the unwanted sext you received the other day that started the sequence of events? Did your routine of coming on here change for any reason and was that a factor? Was the comfy chair just too much of a draw (and if so, why)? Or was it something completely different? Keep asking why? understand, don't judge yourself. The very awareness this process develops will represent further pieces of the jigsaw for you and enable you to see things earlier next time. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and you have made a most excellent start...so smile at the opportunity to learn some more, and look at your slip as a necessary and important step in the process.

“Strength through adversity. The strongest steel is forged by the fires of hell. It is pounded and struck repeatedly before it’s plunged back into the molten fire. The fire gives it power and flexibility, and the blows give it strength. Those two things make the metal pliable and able to withstand every battle it’s called upon to fight.”

[Rookie]

I will echo the previous 2. Remember when I mentioned that there would be 2 counts if I relapse? The counter starts again for the streak, but now, so does the counter for the relapses.

You got to what's called "Heartbreak Hill"...look it up. No one wins that marathon without going through it. The question is, how long are you going to linger in it before picking up your shoes, and finishing the marathon.

I have another thread here, that I had started. I relapsed, hard, and long (months). I came to this new thread I have...but with a real purpose.

We are not giving up on you...don't you give up on us...get those gloves back on, and swing...who cares if you miss, just the swinging part will intimidate your opponent and show that you're not going down that easy. Many boxing fights were won without a strategy, just swinging for the fences, and just one hit connected. Hard.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hi Guys,  Thanks for your words.  They help me a lot right now.  Probably the best idea is to remember that last time I relapsed/edged, I went at if for 5 days.  If I can keep it to one that will be some progress/consolation.
At this point I'm searching for triggers.  The almost sexting was big. So too w/ loneliness. Also 3 close friends are having really bad difficulties in their lives. I care/listen and also help.  But that shouldn't be a trigger b/c that is what's called Life.
I think today will be pivotal.

[Joel]

Hope you can process those challenges and get up on the horse soon, Slurps

[Leonidas]

At this point I'm searching for triggers.
I think today will be pivotal.

Hello Mr. Slurps, sorry for abbreviating your quote by I just found it to be quite telling.  Searching for triggers... yes that would invite more trouble than good.  But just to sidetrack for a bit, some of the followers of Buddhism profess that experimenting with 'difficult' or 'challenging' situations is the only possible way to achieve Nirvana within a lifetime.  Back to searching for triggers: although not wrong, and even seen as good by some in Buddhist circles, it is mostly going to lead one to be burned.  If thoughts arise, let them be, as there is no point in suppressing (doesn't work).  Your mind will gradually resort less to those triggers over time.  But inviting them explicitly is opening a can of worms!

And - today (or tomorrow or the day after) may be pivotal... but then it may not.  Why fret?

[UKGuy]

I interpreted Mr Slurps comments slightly differently Leonidas, in that he is trying to locate the triggers that led to his slip - I would certainly think this is a good practice as it leads to awareness and an ability to see those triggers the next time they occur before one is overcome by them and ends up relapsing mindlessly and unconciously.

I am not sure if you and I are interpreting his words differently, or we disagree on the subject, and value in trigger identifcation!?

At this point I'm searching for triggers.
I think today will be pivotal.

Hello Mr. Slurps, sorry for abbreviating your quote by I just found it to be quite telling.  Searching for triggers... yes that would invite more trouble than good.  But just to sidetrack for a bit, some of the followers of Buddhism profess that experimenting with 'difficult' or 'challenging' situations is the only possible way to achieve Nirvana within a lifetime.  Back to searching for triggers: although not wrong, and even seen as good by some in Buddhist circles, it is mostly going to lead one to be burned.  If thoughts arise, let them be, as there is no point in suppressing (doesn't work).  Your mind will gradually resort less to those triggers over time.  But inviting them explicitly is opening a can of worms!

And - today (or tomorrow or the day after) may be pivotal... but then it may not.  Why fret?

[Rookie]

I interpreted Mr Slurps comments slightly differently Leonidas, in that he is trying to locate the triggers that led to his slip - I would certainly think this is a good practice as it leads to awareness and an ability to see those triggers the next time they occur before one is overcome by them and ends up relapsing mindlessly and unconciously.

I am not sure if you and I are interpreting his words differently, or we disagree on the subject, and value in trigger identifcation!?

At this point I'm searching for triggers.
I think today will be pivotal.

Hello Mr. Slurps, sorry for abbreviating your quote by I just found it to be quite telling.  Searching for triggers... yes that would invite more trouble than good.  But just to sidetrack for a bit, some of the followers of Buddhism profess that experimenting with 'difficult' or 'challenging' situations is the only possible way to achieve Nirvana within a lifetime.  Back to searching for triggers: although not wrong, and even seen as good by some in Buddhist circles, it is mostly going to lead one to be burned.  If thoughts arise, let them be, as there is no point in suppressing (doesn't work).  Your mind will gradually resort less to those triggers over time.  But inviting them explicitly is opening a can of worms!

And - today (or tomorrow or the day after) may be pivotal... but then it may not.  Why fret?

While I echo both of these, if I may add my quick thoughts. Part of my recovery and reboot, was to NOT linger too much on trying to figure out where I went wrong, and what happened. I know that if I went on my Instagram and clicked "search", it was nothing but gorgeous women barely dressed showing off their bodies. My Tumblr account was purely for P clips...and Twitter, I can control my urges when searching at home, I can't when it's on my phone. I also knew when my wife was out for a period of time, and I was bored or frustrated...led to a fall.

But if I tried to analyze it more than that...it was giving me more urges.

I'll give 2 quick illustrations. I don't know if anyone here is a "conspiracy theorist" or a "skeptical thinker" as I prefer to call myself. When this whole virus thing started, the theorists started with the mark of the beast, the vaccine and a bunch of other stuff. So, I searched, I analyzed and found a bunch of stuff. I was thinking "if I can be well prepared for the signs and know what the "future triggers" will be, I'll be safe. Well, the research I did led me in such an evil world, that I gave myself anxiety for 3 weeks, barely any sleep and images I can't erase from memory. So, I just left it all, and thought (religious talk here) Christ, you got this.

Second illustration, finances, I'm a numbers guy. When I bought my truck, I ran through roughly 15 scenarios on "can I afford this"...got anxiety. I went back to the basics, did up my budget, and realized, I was only increasing my payments by X amount from my car to the truck...I'll find a way in the tough months.

All this to say, Mr. Slurps, if your mind works like mine, I wouldn't linger too much on analyzing things. It may unfortunately lead you back to where you started. Learn to move on. Besides, you may not know what the triggers are till you fall a few times, at which point, you see a pattern..."every time I do this, or every time this happens...it leads me to this"...

I know I rambled much, and if you're like the other guys, finding your triggers might be beneficial, if you're like me, you don't want to linger on it too much.

Keep us posted on your progress!!

[ShadeTrenicin]

I think we hit an important spot in this conversation, and i think you worded it well Rookie, not everyone is wired the same or benefits from the same approach.

If you are lucky you will find that the first approach you try works for you, but some other people need to find their way.

At the end of the day Mr.Slurps, you will need to decide what is the best way for you to approach this. I think that the last three posts can contribute to that. Either if you are a more let it be, i accept it kind of guy or the guy that analyzes whats happened in order to understand it kind of guy. Whatever works for you.

And while you need to keep an eye out for yourself, being there and helping others can be a great motivator towards healing yourself since helping others has been clinically proven to improve your own mood.

Keep it up Mr.Slurps, we are as always rooting for you!

[mr.slurps]

Hi Guys, This is day 7. As far as triggers go, w/ me it seems sometimes everything is a trigger.
Sometimes it's very discouraging b/c I have to escape my house to escape the triggers. Luckily cafes are starting to open. But it feels humiliating to have to flee my own house.
Then again, I say to myself swallow your pride and do whatever it takes.  That's pretty much the path I'm following. It's like I'm so scared of land-mines I can't go out in the field. 
Today is 84 days since I began rebooting. My hopes for 90 have been pushed back quite far. Probably I was over-confident or under-estimated the ferocity of this addiction.
Thankfully the rest of my life is good.
I'm not sure how long I can keep dodging bullets though.
Thanks for all of your help.  And yes, I know I've been quiet and not supporting you guys since my relapse. That's not fair and also it is not helping my own cause. The cafes have not had internet so I'm going to have to figure out a way to be more supportive and not too exposed.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Mr.Slurps,

Do not worry about you supporting us. We've got you for now.

It's like you say, swallow your pride. If  that's what this takes to come out of this, then it is more than worth it. Once you've beaten addiction you will come out a much better, stronger and more stable man.

And this may be day 84 for you (today is almost 6 months for me) it might've been an underestimation that you would tame the beast so quickly.
But there absolutely no shame in that. It is a difficult road, with a lot of bumps. And sometimes you relapse.. That's also part of the journey. But relapses are also a moment to learn. About your triggers/emotions but also why you want to resort to PMO. Eventually those things will become clean and that will help you in actively battle your addiction. Just remeber that for the entirety of the road, you have us to cheer you on.

You got this man, I (we) am (are) cheering for you!

[mr.slurps]

Hiya Guys,  After 8 days, big relapse (pmo) yesterday and today.  Even writing this feels like grasping at straws.

[jixu]

But at least you are here, right?  Try to cut the binge; start back up-not today, but right now.  Keep going, you have already proven yourself.