Author Topic: Ex-edger  (Read 11665 times)

mr.slurps

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Ex-edger
« on: May 01, 2020, 05:28:32 PM »
Hi Guys, I wanted to name this thread "edger" b/c that is what I am right now, literally today.
But w/ my new positive slant on life (thanks UK), I decided to name it "ex-edger" b/c that is what I will be someday.
I feel like a hypocrite right now. I feel like a faker.
Like, who am I to advise or encourage anyone when I can't even advise/encourage myself?
You guys wouldn't believe how out of control I am at times. (maybe some of you can)  I literally edged w/ this screen up staring me in the face across the room on my laptop. I don't know how you can get more hypocritical than that.
You guys are bravely working your asses off and I'm literally across the room edging to porn.
I wish my first post was more positive but if I'm not brutally honest here, where can I be?  And if I'm not honest, I can't be accountable.
Speaking of which, I hope you guys will hold me accountable. I don't want to lie to anyone or myself.

Rookie

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2020, 06:05:28 PM »
Great to read your first post. I will post on here as much as I can...I find it very encouraging when I know someone else reads my stuff, and actually acknowledges it.

First thing is first...DO NOT compare yourself to some guys, 5.5 yrs, others over 120 days, some over 90 days...don't go there. It gives you hope that it's possible, but it will disappoint you if you can't get to a week. It's like getting a running jump to try and clear a mountain, you're going to trip.

If you can't go 1 day without it, try 12 hrs...once that 12 hrs is done, shoot to finish the 24 hrs....if you have never completed 24 hrs straight, that's a huge victory, even if you slip / trip / fall... Then once you know you can do 24, go for 36 hrs...ONLY in small increments like this will you find success.

The other part is, if you want it bad enough, it will happen. Many on this board have wanted to quit bad enough, but they relapsed a few times in the first month, then cleared one month and fall, back on the saddle and carry on.

Many have been clean for years, but the few years before that...huge struggles.

1 hr at a time, then a day at a time...looking forward to reading your next post.

joepanic

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2020, 08:10:36 PM »
Hey  Mr Slurps

    Ditto what Rookie said  I belive  very steongly in "small victories"  small victories are easy to reach but they are victories none the less  and they are something  to build upon.  I also did some very accentric things.  One was I would drive in my car  with the windows up of course  and I would shout in a very loud voice   "I will not be a porn addict any longer"    "I am stronger than this"  almost like hyping myself up  before a sports match or something    Another benefit of that was I would be out of the house  so porn was not available.  The final benefit was I might have stopped to treat myself  to a bite to eat  or something...  During this time I was able to  think  about the shouting  and rationally think why I wanted to give up porn  re inforce  my reasons for the fight  and gain a bit of strength.  This was only one tactic I would use.  Over time I will try to post more of my ideas on your journal   but they are only usefull if you come here and read and post   often.  I had been an addict for 35 years   and it took me over 2 years of trying  and slipping and relapsing   before finding victory   But victory I have found   and I have never felt better in my whole life

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2020, 02:33:29 PM »
You Guys,    Thanks for the responses.  It means a heck of a lot to me. Joe, the idea of small victories is right on target w/ me. I can set myself up for a whopper of a disappointment and that may set me back longer than need be. I could celebrate milestone.
Also it is dumb to compare myself w/ others. That's another trap I fall into.
Triggers:  Boredom, stress, loneliness (I live alone)
Possible remedies: Meditation, work, chess app.,
Bottom line I need less triggers and better remedies.  (The problem is these triggers come w/ life, at least mine.)

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2020, 06:21:51 PM »
Hi Guys,  I'm about into a tail-spin as a guy can go w/ out going into one. Joe I'm taking your advice and posting a lot in the hopes it may help.
That's one of my problems.  In my family real men don't have problems and if they do they don't discuss them.  Nobody would ever ask for help.
That's a rough formula for success where I'm at right now. So this journal is the next best thing.
Now it's time for me to quit acting like a baby (at least for an hour) and put my big boy pants on. I'm just going to get out of the house and go grocery shopping. It will help me get the heck off my cell.
I'm going to continue to fight the good fight because I feel this is an existential war, especially at my age. I really do have to fight like my life depends on it.
Rookie, I'm going to bite off one hour right now b/c that's about all that's left in my tank.
Off to the store...

joepanic

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2020, 06:52:35 PM »
Hey Mr Slurps

     Hope  you got through  If your still out and get this  just drive a little longer  listen to some tunes  buy some takeout and enjoy. Perhaps do what I did  drive around with the windows up talking in a really loud voice  "I dont need Porn   I am better than that"  say it a few times  yell it if it helps  I  did that several times   found it somewhat theraputic

    As in not telling anyone  I too kept it a secret and I intend to  keep it that way  My upbringing also entailed a man  solving his own problems.  Thats why this is such a great place to come and talk it out  there is always someone listening   or having a small piece of advice.  Some here will tell you your wrong  and you have to divulge  the info  especially if you have a wife  or girlfriend.  Just state your reasons  and  thank them for their input but the reboot is yours.  the relationship can be worked on when you have a more clear head.   Just remember their is always the chance you will be caught and that could be worse    So its best to keep fighting hard to not be looking at it anymore

   Cheers  hope it goes well for you

    Post often it helps me it helps you

   Cheers  hope it goes well for you

Rookie

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2020, 09:40:43 PM »
Didn't see you post anything today sir...hope all is well.

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2020, 06:01:21 PM »
Hi You Guys,    Thanks for responding/ caring.  On today's menu we have something personal that is not directly related to porn. Also, be forewarned it may be quite corny.
I got the call yesterday that I'd been exposed to someone infected at work and also laid off. Today driving to get tested I was terrified.  I might be dead in 20 days.  (I get the results in 5.)  It occurred to me that I don't want to die.  I love life.
My brain then said to me, "What if you knew you'd be dead in 20 days, what would you do, would you spend some of it jerking off to strangers looking at a phone?"
Two days earlier to escape an edging trap I went for a long random drive. It took me past the state prison. That's when I had an 'ah-ha' moment. I'm free!  It's a bid deal and everyone in the world does not have freedom.
Bottom line-- I've had a bit of a wake-up call.
When I got home from the test I blocked Chrome which I was using to access porn.

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2020, 07:01:31 PM »
Hi you guys,   Thanks for those responding/caring.
 
I want to let you guys know that the way I'm feeling now even a simple, "Hang in there" or "You can do this" etc. can make a huge difference if I happen to read it at the right moment.
So don't feel like you need to write some lengthy smart reply (which I sometimes do). I'm going to try to practice what I preach, so to UK,  Imnot, Joe, Rookie and the rest, here's my message to you guys--
Good work!

Rookie

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2020, 10:53:08 PM »
I usually check every day for updates...keep the gloves on bro. You're the one in the ring, but we're in your corner, and cut men...

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2020, 06:55:39 PM »
Hey Pal,  Thanks for being in my corner.  I've sorely needed it lately.  Today has been better, thank goodness.  I still had to take a long drive to clear my head.
How are you?

Rookie

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2020, 11:22:49 PM »
Being somewhat of a skeptic on things lately (the previous description people gave me was "conspiracy theorist") my stress got a bit elevated. I follow a few interesting folks on Twitter (nothing regarding my addiction) and the stuff they posted, they predicted Micheal Flynn's release last month. However, they predicted May 7th. And a few more things I found out, not worth going into here.

Anyway, that stress of Christ coming back (I'm a Christian that believes the next time Christ comes, it's the end), and I would be indulging in this...sorry, but the temptation is kind of dead at the moment...thank you sir.

Glad you're still fighting. Keep it up...the days we can look at, and say, "yep, that was a tough one, really tough, but I didn't cave" are very, very proud days.

jcwright

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2020, 09:58:40 AM »
Just so you know you got one more person in your corner. So many great things are waiting for you. Don't ever get off this ship, friend.

Feel free to read my journal. I explained how I reached the 90-day mark (and counting)

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #13 on: May 10, 2020, 07:13:26 PM »
Thanks JC and Rookie,  Your support means a lot to me. I think this whole forum/site has made a world of difference for me. People are really generous and caring.  You just don't find that everywhere- at least not in my world. (especially for free lol)
I've finally strung together a strong 3 day string. Hopefully I'll start to get back some of the traction that I lost.

Rookie

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2020, 07:28:37 PM »
3 days is huge!!! I always found that's when the pull to go back was the strongest!! It's also where there are voices in your head saying "you only have 3 days in, might as well keep watching, and start over"....

Get to 5 days and you're on your way...you're in the danger zone of falling again...legs are wobbly, knees are shaking...instead of sitting down, do like the boxers do, jump around and keep away. If you sit now, there's a chance you'll give in.

Keep the fight, let's count to 10 like they do in a boxing match, and re-calibrate...then tomorrow, come out swinging.

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2020, 01:32:29 PM »
Hiya Rook,  Thanks for putting this in perspective for me.  3 days is huge! You helped me adjust my angle just enough to feel good instead of bad.
I'm still in the ring, a bit battered and bruised, and definitely scared.
So what I'm trying to do is look at it like my foe, addiction, has taken a few straight ones to the jaw also. His legs may be feeling a bit wobbly like mine. He doesn't seem as cocky as he did 67 days ago when we first got in the ring together (plenty of relapses.)
His smirky little grin like he knows he'll knock me out is gone.
Right now he's winning on points and knocked me down more than once. This fight could go either way.
It helps to have you in my corner Pal.

Rookie

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2020, 10:56:57 PM »
I know the fight I have still going on now. Especially with the lack of intimacy my wife has right now. I don't know if it's the stress she's going through at work, if it's menopause that's starting, or what is going on with her. But yea, not much relief.

What I can say, is that the first three weeks, I felt like I had blue balls every day...and walked around half mast. I suspect I had the attitude of "sulking" cause I wasn't getting relief, and I couldn't / can't tell her about my addiction right now. She's emotional fragile. So, it was a fight.

But now, 50 + days in...absolutely no strain down there at all. I am still careful on the movies I'm watching...I know some triggers are still there. Stupid bikini and ads of the sort on our Facebook page (she's always browsing crap online, so it reflects in the feed, and since we share our FB...I see it all). But, I scroll past and I keep telling myself "you're halfway up the mountain, you don't want to trip now, you have great momentum".

All this to say, there are some aspects that are much, much easier. But the temptations, still very strong some days.

Keep fighting bro, I can tell you that the 50 day journey, is very hard at the start, but it's very, very worth it.

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #17 on: May 12, 2020, 03:37:12 PM »
Hiya Rook,  It sounds like you're really dialed in on your triggers.  That's a good strategy.  I need to improve there.
As far as the wife thing I'm ignorant but I do know you're dialed in to her and her needs. That's got to be a good thing.
Walking around at half-mast for a 3 weeks!  I haven't done that since high school. Maybe it's a good sign.
You got 50!  It may be half way up the mountain (depends on the size of the mtn.), but it is definitely a good-sized chunk.
I'm proud of you Pal.

realfakeusername

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #18 on: May 12, 2020, 05:26:15 PM »
I've finally strung together a strong 3 day string.

It's all one day at a time, one hour, one temptation, one string of days at a time.

Joel

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #19 on: May 13, 2020, 08:44:56 AM »
Just read your entries - Jeez, what a rollercoaster. Awesome how you're turning up for yourself despite these feelings you have about not being deserving or good enough (is the impression I got). We need to start from a place of saying - I'm here, and I'm good, and I'm worthy. You're not defined by this addiction, you're not good only if you beat this, or if you get 3 or 30 or 300 days. I know how worthless this habit can make you feel.

I've started listening to 'porn free radio' podcast, which I'd recommend. A recent episode, he said he had more respect for the man who turns up authentic, in trouble and vulnerable, but turning up, who needs the community; rather than the man who comes with his '10 tools to help me beat this' (who's working from a fear based motivation).

Sorry, lots of rambling, hope your day's going well

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #20 on: May 13, 2020, 04:43:17 PM »
Hi Joel,   You guys are forcing me to acknowledge that I have a crappy self-image.  AND, that I'm not doing a very good job hiding it.
UK called me out on that too.
It's an ancient problem I've been working on.  I used to listen to self-improvement tapes. One guy, I think it was N.V. Peale, suggested repeating aphorisms/mantras. So I'd say stuff like, "I'm good, I'm valuable..." It didn't work for long.
On the other hand, hearing it from you matters a lot. Thanks
Day 6, totally clean.

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #21 on: May 15, 2020, 07:55:07 PM »
Day # 8  I've been doing pretty well for a week.  Man I needed some traction.  That edging was killing me.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #22 on: May 16, 2020, 03:20:03 PM »
Hey Mr.Slurps,

First of all thanks for the kind words in UKGuy's thread! It really means a lot to me, so thank you!

Second, day 8 is an amazing compliment! And BTW, having a crappy self image is not something that is strange on a forum with addicts  ;) I think a lot of us have at least a part of us that we don't feel good about! So no worries man, you're not alone.

About the whole being in contact with the covid person, i didnt find the results on here? What was the outcome?

All in all glad that you've renamed the thread to ex-edger. In all the coming time and your entire process, no matter what happens, you will always be an ex-edger, because every minute of effort you put into not being an edger is an absolute win.

You're doing an amazing job so far, so keep it up.

I'm rooting for you!
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #23 on: May 16, 2020, 07:07:56 PM »
Hi Shade,  You my friend are a positive guy!  My self image has been crap for a long time. 
Through guys like you and UK I've started to realize it needn't be.  Can you believe I've never thrown a party!
Of course it's not all b/c of porn but the addiction was a big part of it.  I didn't feel "worthy" of throwing a party.  It would make me a fake somehow.
It is such warped logic, but there it is. And it got into a weird dimension too.  ex. What if my friend's wife is sitting where I pmo'ed 14 hrs ago?
This pmo addiction got into my head big time! 
It's like, I have to hide my addiction... I am my addiction... therefore I have to hide ME.   ouch!!!
That's the kind of thinking I was doing.  Very self-destructive.
This forum has allowed me to realize that my addiction is not me. I'm more than that.  Plus, there is at least one place on earth where I don't have to hide it or me.

Joel

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #24 on: May 17, 2020, 04:16:34 AM »
" rather than the man who comes with his '10 tools to help me beat this' " ....who may not need the community so much, but is just ticking a box on his checklist of tools. ... is how I meant to end my last post to you, but lost my train of thought :)

Well done on the streak, my man. And love how positive your last post sounded.