Author Topic: Pushing back!  (Read 13941 times)

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #275 on: January 04, 2021, 05:01:28 AM »
6 days clean.

I almost had a relapse last night. I was really close and intense. I had a trigger from an advert in telegram and went into middle circle activities... Going through erotic ads and groups, seeing some suggestive nudes and links, trying to find something watered down  but I felt myself going deeper and wanting to just drive into porn.

It was hard to pull myself back but I did eventually. I prayed and I put on some meditative soundtrack and went to sleep. And this morning I was thankful for that action. I thought I was going to have a really hard time the next couple of days because of the middle circle activities but I'm already begining to feel bttere with meditation prayer and service to my Bible study group.

Today has been great so far. My goal is to just complete each activity on my schedule today.

Looking forward to one week free tomorrow.

Thanks Do always for your encouragement. And wordlit for your resource shared. I found the app and downloaded it. My username is chrisowemz, so you can add me up there in the app.

Thanks everyone and have a porn free day!
Keep pushing back
Chris
My abstinence is 0+ days currently

Phineas 808

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #276 on: January 04, 2021, 08:38:06 AM »
Quote
So I don't wait to feel something or be in some state or whatever. I am free as soon as I say and decide it. It's a mental approach. Because I feel the war isn't physical it's mental, it's how we see things.

Chris, I like your answers above. And you're right, how we see this battle (or the bottle) makes all the difference in the success or failure of our approach.

We do have to come at this fully prepared to never use porn ever, and certainly not today! And even to say that makes the 'beast-brain' react, like, "What? Never?" but to identify this voice is important, as it will help you to not respond.

It is mostly mental, but it is also physical in terms of the science of how habits work. As we approach with a good mental attitude and determination, we also have to consider physical habit the brain is accustomed to. Cues (triggers) are so important, because our response or non-response to them will mean victory or a continued habit/addition.

Like what you just experienced with the advert, which served as a cue. Responding to the urges that came from that can strengthen your habit, and not responding, but dismissing the urges is what breaks the habit.

Good going on pulling yourself out, distracting yourself with meditative soundtrack.

Contrary to what was suggested, lapses or relapse are not inevitable! Cues, until they change for us, may be inevitable, but your response or non-response, how you choose to dismiss or react to the urges, that's what's inevitable.

Congrats on the your successes, going forward.  We can all easily hack into this addiction, and change it for the better!
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Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #277 on: January 04, 2021, 08:39:36 PM »
I Just relapsed and I'm feeling very shitty. It's my first relapse in 2021 and I can say I'm done with addictive games. Stayed up late playing games, got tired on the bed tried to sleep and all I could think was the images... Curiosity led me down the rabbit hole...couldn't stop even though I convinced myself I could.( Faulty messages).

I just uninstall the game and  I'm really tired.

I just don't want this to continue this year.

Kinda heart broken a but all I'm thinking about right now is ideas on how to keep my day schedule clean from much more triggers.

Need to sleep right now. Tired

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worldlit4213

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #278 on: January 05, 2021, 02:31:12 AM »
Hey Chris. Now it is important to seek the Lord and ask for forgiveness in contrite prayer. It's what I did every time I'd relapse, and I've made it a habit to read Psalm 51 every night now. It's smart that you've identified the problem and eliminated it! I believe that sleep is immensely important for recovery; feeling tired is a big source of trouble for me personally.

Just pick yourself up and try again brother!

laneboy

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #279 on: January 05, 2021, 03:15:35 AM »
Ehy chris, I’m sorry about your relapse, but remember that this is a way to learn something about yourself. Don’t let relapses destroy your motivation, let them guide you through your recovery.
It’s hard, and you won’t always succeed, that is just normal. But never be too permissive with yourself or relapsing will become a habit.

Jeks

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #280 on: January 05, 2021, 03:36:23 AM »
Against fantasizing, what helped me is a strategy called the rabbit hole technique. Some guy brought it up on the "the brain rebalanced radio show" which i can highly recommend.  (available on ybop.com) Cant remember which episode it was though.
Essentially the technique works like this: imagine yourself a hunting dog i a wood and all possible trigger like advertising, triggering images and thoughts as rabbit holes all around the forest. There is for example a scene you have watched in the past, which is haunting you in your mind from time to time or you accidentily see a triggering picture on the internet. When you allow to engage in this thought or picture and you start spinning it further and start imagining more stuff and try to remember how the scene went on and so on, you are going down the rabbit hole. Problem with that is, when you do that, chances are that when you are digging too deep you are not getting out of it anymore, which eventually results in a relapse. The deeper you go down, the more difficult it becomes to get out of the hole.
So for that not to happen you have got to start walking by it without starting to dig in it, as soon as you become aware of the rabbit hole.
You can do that by starting to focus on all the other stuff in the forest so to speak until you have passed it. So what that means is, as soon as you become aware of a triggering thought, avoid going to the rabbit hole by watching around you. And then, if you see for example a table, you try to focus on that table and if necessary even start thinking about it. You can ask yourself how tables are made, what they are made of, what different kinds of tables there are, why do they not have five legs, and so on. Then you see a guitar and start focusing on that and start thinking about guitars and music and your favourite song and so on. You are focusing on all the other things in the forest until you pass the rabbit hole, which means you dont think about it or it is not as present in your mind anymore.
That technique helped me a lot. I would say it was probably the most important technique i have started to install. Because when you think about it and when you look at all you relapses so far, they all start with a (sometimes subtle) trigger in combination with fantasizing and loosing yourself in this thoughts.

Maybe it also works for you. Its definitely worth a try.
Good luck chris. Dont beat yourself up too much.

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #281 on: January 05, 2021, 05:00:12 AM »
Thanks guys. I think I'd the fine. Wordlit Psalm 51 really bared my heart before the Lord...it was a great help.

Also thanks laneboy and Jeks. I'd be sure to keep the rabbit hole technique in my arsenal- To not engage but notice the other things around me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, I feel much better now.
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jixu

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #282 on: January 05, 2021, 10:33:42 AM »
Hang in there-maybe take a good look at time spent in game usage as you stated.  Keep the daily devotions on the radar; praise God indeed for the cleansing power of Psalm 51.  He is merciful-keep pushing back! 

Phineas 808

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #283 on: January 05, 2021, 01:04:54 PM »
You got this, Chris! This is just a minor speedbump on the road to recovery.

I couldn't tell you how many milestones I've missed, like, I'm not going to bring this thing into 2018, 2019, 2020, etc...! Or, when I'm about to hit a major goal for me, the night before, bam, flat on my face...!

The truth is, it wasn't that these goals couldn't be hit, it was that I was responding to urges (p-subs, or p) all along, and so I was strengthening the habit, that's all.

It's all habit change, and it's also spiritual.

God's grace and mercy have you, He knows what you're trying to do, and supports you!

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." - Japanese proverb.

The important thing here isn't that you lapsed, but that you bounced back as soon as possible- no lingering! Learn your lessons, and go forward.

My abstinence is currently at 112+days.

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Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #284 on: January 08, 2021, 01:50:52 PM »
3 days clean

Thanks Phineas and Jixu for your encouragement. Felt myself having sexual thoughts a bit but when I came on and read your posts, they encouraged me.

Today hasn't been easy with the urges but I thank God for how the day went. I'm learning daily.

Let's keep pushing back
Chris
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worldlit4213

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #285 on: January 08, 2021, 11:40:26 PM »
Hey Chris, that's great that you turned to the forum for encouragement in a time of need! Stay on the path bro.

I sent you an accountability request on the victory app btw.

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #286 on: January 19, 2021, 04:38:46 AM »
Been a while. I have been struggling for a while.

I relapsed yesterday and I just want to forget about all that has happened these  previous weeks and start again. Will be journaling more frequently too.

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Do or die

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #287 on: January 19, 2021, 09:27:01 AM »
You can do it
Its not about stopping. Its about accepting that you have stopped.

anubu0

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #288 on: January 19, 2021, 11:39:19 AM »
Hey Chris. I have had moments like this as well, were I just feel like I'm trapped in a cycle and I can't escape. The good news though is that you can! I recommend doing a dopamine detox for at least a week to get other aspects of your life in check (ie video game addiction, TV binging, and food addiction). With these in line, your body senses a fresh start and a "new me" type of feeling. That helps motivate you through this journey and helps you stay focused on recovery. Also, Phineas had a great post on how to deal with urges. If you get through one urge episode, you will already heavily deteriorate the habit of PMO'ing off of porn urges. You are on the path to success just keep pushing.

Phineas 808

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #289 on: January 19, 2021, 12:43:45 PM »
Hey, Chris!

Each new day is a new opportunity! Be merciful to yourself, forgive yourself (even as you are forgiven), and pick up where you left off in recovery, and keep going, keep pushing back!

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worldlit4213

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #290 on: January 19, 2021, 11:34:09 PM »
Hey Chris, it's great to see you back! I've been praying for you! What's important is that we pick ourselves up and keep going, not that we are perfect. Keep up the fight!

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #291 on: January 20, 2021, 09:50:42 AM »
1 day clean

Today for me is turning out great. Although I started out the day with intense urges and recurrent boners. I was able to do some exercise and jogging as well as meditation.
I kept saying these words, "This too shall pass"

And now I'm feeling stable and better. Feel like I can conquer my day.

Thanks Phineas and wordlit
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Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #292 on: January 21, 2021, 09:25:38 AM »
Was just about to hit 2 days, but had a setback today with a porn-sub. Was going on my own rounds on Quora and found this very porn pic when a story was being illustrated. Which led me down other stories in the same like light that were even more erotic. Didn't know Quora could be very triggering. Had several sessions masturbating to the very sensual stories and yeah, I can count that as a relapse.

Starting all over again
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Phineas 808

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #293 on: January 21, 2021, 11:29:24 AM »
Chris, I like that you are serious about your reset, and that you recognize this episode as serious enough to re-start.

Keep the overall picture in mind, that it's not truly starting all over again, as you've been pushing back for a while now. All that progress is not lost, as you know.

Now, you've identified Quora as having 'land mines'. I wouldn't avoid Quora, but find a way to do what you do, but to study yourself- and recognize when and where you go off-track with it.

Know and understand that it's within you to respond or not, and that these stories or pictures don't have power over you. Thus you can be mindful about not putting yourself in a dangerous situation, but without disempowering yourself at the same time. Does that make sense?

Standing with you.
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Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #294 on: January 22, 2021, 03:52:22 AM »
Yeah it does Phineas. I do that all the time with Twitter. It's just Quora just caught me off guard. MY curiosity just took on a very narrow adventurous road. When I look back at the experience,I can't help but laugh, lol. Cause it reminds me of one episode I watched on Nat Geo wild, were this other rat was very careful trying to protect it's kids from a snake burrowing into it's hole. And had to move the kids down further into a safer zone in the hike were the snake couldn't get to.

But then here come another rat, totally aware of the danger  but so very much curious about what was going on and came closer and closer untill it was too late. And the snake pounced on it and stretched out the life outta it.  Seems just like what happened yesterday.

Today's Day 1. I'd be counting this way now cause it lets me see the battle ahead instead of focusing on yesterday's victories.(1 day clean) you get?

Done my meditation, and my day is starting out great. Currently I'm looking for a second job. I've wanted to freelance for a while but it didn't work out when I tried it the first time using uowro6and Fiverr. I'm doing so again and hoping it works out better with a more locally based website, terawork.

I'm focusing on my graphics skills and although I don't have a laptop, I have these great mobile apps which helps me create really professional designs.

Wishing everyone a porn free day!
« Last Edit: January 22, 2021, 03:54:54 AM by Chris Oz »
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Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #295 on: January 23, 2021, 06:36:30 AM »
Day 2

Doing great today. Today's seems a little strange cause the harmattan is getting to me. But recovery wise I feel alright.

I did my morning exercise today. Didn't finish my devotional today. Will finish it later. Right now, I just feel like sleeping and doing preparations for a write up for my Bible study group later.

Good naps help my concentration alot so I'd be looking to take advantage of that. But before that, I'mma take in some food with an anime series, lol.

Hope everyone is doing alright, keep pushing back.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2021, 02:39:55 AM by Chris Oz »
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worldlit4213

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #296 on: January 24, 2021, 01:32:40 AM »
Awesome to see that you're doing well Chris!

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #297 on: January 24, 2021, 02:46:27 AM »
Day 3
Thanks wordlit.

Today I woke up from a dream where I relapsed. It was so relieving to find out that I didn't when I woke up.

Had a good morning session with exercise ad meditation. I've been noticing that I get very bored, often looking for things to do on my phone. Yesterday I was so restless before I went to sleep. Was too tired but still was checking my phone to see what I can do. It was like a feeling of isomnia but not really isomnia.

I hope to film my day up with useful activities today and when I do get bored. I'd either

• Pick a book and read.
• Go outside and play with dog or football
• Or try to sleep (although I doubt that will work out,lol)
• Or come up here and read success stories and the forum.

Hoping to have a good day. Keep pushing back
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Phineas 808

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #298 on: January 24, 2021, 12:56:00 PM »
Hey Chris,

You can take this need or drive to be on the phone as a (golden) opportunity to 'hack' into your habits, by changing them, little by little.

For example, set a timer next time (for 10 minutes or less), to be on the phone and then get off. Or commit to reading first, before checking the phone, etc... (be creative).

This will tell your brain you accomplished something, and you'll be able to go to sleep better. And, it will hack into your habit patterns, and disrupt the main habit you're wanting to change.

Be well, brother!
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Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #299 on: January 24, 2021, 11:09:44 PM »
I hate sex dreams! I hate sex dreams!! I hate sex dreams!!!

Mehn I relapsed just as I got into day 4
 This is so freaking I hard, especially when you're attacked in a place you cannot run away from.

This night is just terrible. Binged so hard I feel pain.
Why can't I just get better?

Going in again, I'm dusting myself up. I'd double this. .

Day 1
I'd use this tactic, once I'm about to sleep, I'd keep.my phone in my parents room as they always lock up
 Since my phone is my number one harem access point. I should get through the night anyways. At the highest I'd resort to Masturbation which I highly doubt because of how I'm so dependent on porn to get things rolling.

Problem solved? I hope so.

I hope the rest of my day isn't fucked up because of this.

I just hope to produce better results in my next try.
Good morning world.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2021, 12:48:33 AM by Chris Oz »
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