Author Topic: Covid - an inflection point? (Read 13897 times)

UKGuy · « **Reply #50 on:** May 17, 2020, 04:32:13 AM »

Hi Shade - you make me feel old....lol! ;-)
I don't think I really down play my achievements, more that I just focus on my perceived weaknesses - particularly at work/intellectually. I am a bright guy, but when I sit amongst others, all I see is their strengths, and instead of just admiring them for it...I compare with my own view of my relative weaknesses and feel intimidated - like I have to prove myself. When I actually listed what my peers say about me, it's great, but on a day to day basis it just melts into the background and is replaced by the -ve. Ref the job question - it's a fear of failure.
I don't know if you read that article link in my last post or not, but that describes my experience it perfectly, and I'm a born catastrophiser too! In terms of overcoming this predisposition, I think having an awareness and understanding of what's going on inside our heads and why (scientifically and psychologically) is the best place to start. If you can spot that thinking, and identify it as Negativity Bias rather than giving those thoughts credence, you're on your way to fixing it. I've been focussing a lot on this recently, and it does work, so I'm hoping that I will be able to make some significant improvements in my self perception as a result. I think the other thing that I have realised in my time off work is that the self perception issues (which did accumulate in the last 2 years of my last job in particular) have caused me to dis-empower myself - so if there's a subject that I don't know as much about as I think I should, I don't do anything about it. I've realised over the last months whilst off work that noticing a capability gap, is an opportunity to do something about it, so I bought a LinkedIn Learning subscription and have been filling the gaps instead of just worrying about them.
Isn't it uplifting that in sharing weaknesses we realise that we are not alone? I don't think that's just a PMO thing either - I think there are many pained minds out there. Recognising those issues, talking about them, understanding them can be so powerful in reducing their power. This forum is helping me in many ways other than PMO. Thanks for your support and sharing...I appreciate you.

joepanic · « **Reply #51 on:** May 17, 2020, 09:10:07 PM »

Hey UKGuy

It also seems that in sharing weekness we may find that it is not so much of a weekness but a misunderstanding of where our strengths are lying. I believe we have the strngth to do thew things we want to its just a matter of organizing them to work for us to get the job done usually that is just a matter of time As we go forward in this fight we begin to learn more about yourselves and can put that knowelege to great use

Cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

mr.slurps · « **Reply #52 on:** May 19, 2020, 03:07:38 PM »

Hiya UK, You're a big part of why I'm on day 12. I didn't mean that people insulted you. I meant you could roleplay those feelings you throw at yourself. But in retrospect it was a lousy idea anyhow.

Now prepare to be spanked. And you deserve it since you're the guy that recommended "Stop thinking..." by R. Carlson.
His idea is that thinking about this stuff and getting to the "bottom" of it has a negative effect. By spending lots of time thinking/discussing it you give it more importance than it warrants.
So ironically I was doing you a disservice by even talking re your issue.
(That's not to say I don't care. I do care re anything you're experiencing.)
Keep up the good work.

UKGuy · « **Reply #53 on:** May 20, 2020, 03:40:16 AM »

Hi Mr S,
I didn't take any offense at all! (maybe there was a transatlantic humour mistranslation on my part!!)
Your point about Carlson and not digging into the past is a really interesting one, and I know there are many counselling and psychotherapy experts who would suggest otherwise (especially the ones paid by the hour!). I'm going to re-read the book again soon, so might be in a better place to debate it with you with a fresh recollection. What rings truest for you though? Dismissing the thoughts vs delving into the past to diagnose (or a shade of grey between the two?)

Well done on day 12!

joepanic · « **Reply #54 on:** May 20, 2020, 08:18:46 PM »

Nice going UkGuy

I toohave taken the time off due to this covid virus to really look at my life and how I can inprove it and its paying off Keep up the excersise as I also found that really made a difference

Cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

ShadeTrenicin · « **Reply #55 on:** May 21, 2020, 09:00:28 AM »

Quote from: UKGuy on May 17, 2020, 04:32:13 AM

Hi Shade - you make me feel old....lol! ;-)
I don't think I really down play my achievements, more that I just focus on my perceived weaknesses - particularly at work/intellectually. I am a bright guy, but when I sit amongst others, all I see is their strengths, and instead of just admiring them for it...I compare with my own view of my relative weaknesses and feel intimidated - like I have to prove myself. When I actually listed what my peers say about me, it's great, but on a day to day basis it just melts into the background and is replaced by the -ve. Ref the job question - it's a fear of failure.
I don't know if you read that article link in my last post or not, but that describes my experience it perfectly, and I'm a born catastrophiser too! In terms of overcoming this predisposition, I think having an awareness and understanding of what's going on inside our heads and why (scientifically and psychologically) is the best place to start. If you can spot that thinking, and identify it as Negativity Bias rather than giving those thoughts credence, you're on your way to fixing it. I've been focussing a lot on this recently, and it does work, so I'm hoping that I will be able to make some significant improvements in my self perception as a result. I think the other thing that I have realised in my time off work is that the self perception issues (which did accumulate in the last 2 years of my last job in particular) have caused me to dis-empower myself - so if there's a subject that I don't know as much about as I think I should, I don't do anything about it. I've realised over the last months whilst off work that noticing a capability gap, is an opportunity to do something about it, so I bought a LinkedIn Learning subscription and have been filling the gaps instead of just worrying about them.
Isn't it uplifting that in sharing weaknesses we realise that we are not alone? I don't think that's just a PMO thing either - I think there are many pained minds out there. Recognising those issues, talking about them, understanding them can be so powerful in reducing their power. This forum is helping me in many ways other than PMO. Thanks for your support and sharing...I appreciate you.

Hey UKGuy,

You're only as old as you feel old!

I did read that article and i too tend to have a negativity bias towards myself. The whole comparing thing to peers is something I also do, regardless of what they think!

The whole sharing our weakness thing is groundbreaking, if every person on the planet would do this, we would have a much much better world to live in, with much less conflict. I think that everyone agrees that by allowing yourself to be 'vulnerable' you are actually stronger because you now have the guts to face yourself!

Great of you to also just buy a LinkedIn subscription and work on yourself, thats just the best way to approach stuff; just start and go for it!
You can't fail like that because you've tried!

Anyway, great to read you're still doing okay!

As always rooting for you!

mr.slurps · « **Reply #56 on:** May 21, 2020, 06:57:27 PM »

Hiya Guys, I don't feel like raining on the parade but I have to. I know you guys aren't fair weather friends and I'd be there for you if the shoes were reversed.
I edged today, would have been 2 weeks. Now day 0

UKGuy · « **Reply #57 on:** May 24, 2020, 12:29:03 PM »

Day 50! No PM whatsoever and just O with my wife in that time. Feeling good and just 10 days until my lifetime record. Appreciate this community massively. It’s been my missing ingredient. Cheers all.

ShadeTrenicin · « **Reply #58 on:** May 24, 2020, 01:01:08 PM »

Cheers UKGuy, amazing achievent. Although the forum might have been the missing piece, it was you who did al the work.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday!

Leonidas · « **Reply #59 on:** May 24, 2020, 10:10:05 PM »

Just a quick post to reply to your question as I don't want to overextend Mr. Slurps' journal needlessly. He's got enough reading to catch up.

So yes, my interpretation may have been flawed in that I thought he was deliberately searching for triggers as a means of eliciting stimulation. It turns out that he was 'searching' for these post-mortem as a way to gather knowledge about what makes him relapse. And this strategy is totally fine. If he likes this approach.

That said, I am more of a proponent of building a better life first. It gets one busy thinking about other tasks and objectives, far-removed from the realm of porn - and this I believe is healthy. The triggers, the relapses, the white-knuckling... will just eventually dissipate as one transitions to a new life. From this perspective, it becomes moot to try to resolve triggers. I understand this goes against the grain of the forum, so I'm stating this as a personal preference, not as theory!

I guess the charm of this forum is that there is a breadth of scope in the varying ways we can approach recovery. Isn't that something to celebrate

UKGuy · « **Reply #60 on:** May 25, 2020, 02:38:02 AM »

Hi Leonidas,

Thanks for clarifying - it's a good discussion to have.

The phasing of the building a new life vs trigger idenitifcation/supression etc is an interesting one, and of course we're all different, but have a tendency to look at thing from our own perspectives until we realise that others may have differing experiences - hence why the forum is great, as you say. For me, I felt as if I had (and have) 'the life'. Loving wife, great family, varying interests, fit and healthy, career, no real worries - yet PMO was something that consumed me despite the fact that I detested it and how it caused sahem and dissonance within my self persona. After I understood the science, unpicking the triggers - emotional and physical was the first great enabler for me. The second, after months and months (no...years!) of still failing was coming here. Perhaps in that respect, being here was the better life that you're referring to after all - being real, authentic, helping others, as it's true that I feel that this is what gives me the energy, and causes the bad stuff to dissipate.

Cheers and take care.

Quote from: Leonidas on May 24, 2020, 10:10:05 PM

Just a quick post to reply to your question as I don't want to overextend Mr. Slurps' journal needlessly. He's got enough reading to catch up.

So yes, my interpretation may have been flawed in that I thought he was deliberately searching for triggers as a means of eliciting stimulation. It turns out that he was 'searching' for these post-mortem as a way to gather knowledge about what makes him relapse. And this strategy is totally fine. If he likes this approach.

That said, I am more of a proponent of building a better life first. It gets one busy thinking about other tasks and objectives, far-removed from the realm of porn - and this I believe is healthy. The triggers, the relapses, the white-knuckling... will just eventually dissipate as one transitions to a new life. From this perspective, it becomes moot to try to resolve triggers. I understand this goes against the grain of the forum, so I'm stating this as a personal preference, not as theory!

I guess the charm of this forum is that there is a breadth of scope in the varying ways we can approach recovery. Isn't that something to celebrate

Joel · « **Reply #61 on:** May 25, 2020, 11:19:39 AM »

congrats! great stuff on the milestone, Guy

Yep, it's a two pronged battle. Create a good life that that we want to live; but porn is an addiction we've accidentally fallen into, so we also need tools, community, post-mortem-analysis, and to develop an ability to deal with the discomfort we have to go through to strangle the addict in us to death!

ShadeTrenicin · « **Reply #62 on:** May 28, 2020, 02:34:40 AM »

Hey UKGuy,

How's things going on day 54? Any weird feelings/emotions when approaching your lifelong record?
Keep it up man, i'm rooting for you

UKGuy · « **Reply #63 on:** May 28, 2020, 03:38:31 AM »

Hey Shade,
Thanks for asking. I'm feeling great TBH. No real issues or urges that I can't handle, and the urges that I have are generally sexual rather than focussed on porn, so all good. You might remember that I said I wasn't working at the moment - well, I decided to take the rest of the year off and start up a business instead. It's something I've always wanted to do, and I thought this is the ideal opportunity to do so (I know there is a recession on the horizon, but the concept shouldn't be an issue in that respect). As a consequence, I have a very strong focus on something that I'm really excited about so that's another reason why porn is pushed to the periphery of my consciousness. I do know about the risks of complacency though, so I ensure I come here every day and see what you and the other guys are up to. Reading your journal today, I'm pleased that you seem to be making good progress, but am a bit worried about Mr Slurps who has gone off the radar a bit since his slip. I'm hoping he's ok. Looking forward to the summary of the 50 minute talk you mentioned! Have a great day.

ShadeTrenicin · « **Reply #64 on:** May 28, 2020, 04:08:31 AM »

Hey UKGuy,

Great and bold move to start up your own business! Since this is your brainchild, the focus that goes hand in hand with that will indeed take up all your mental effort and cannot be focussed on porn. Good to see that complacency is something you are weary off and that you take it seriously.

The only question that I have about that is; Is there a possibility that if this does not go well, will cause a financial issue for you? Because that (or the not succeeding in general) can give a negative blow to you as a person and that in itself can be a trigger. You've mentioned earlier that you sometimes have issues with measuring yourself towards others. If you fail, could that happen that you will compare yourself to other (succesful) entrepeneurs and that it can be a trigger? From what I've read you are more than grounded enough to counter this, and I've also read that you and your wife are financially sound. But i had to ask.

In anyway, i think it is an amazing idea and wish you all the best in those endeavours.

About Mr.Slurps, i've already sent him a PM, i hope he is well.

UKGuy · « **Reply #65 on:** May 28, 2020, 08:17:21 AM »

That's a really good question Shade! I guess the answer is that I don't know. But however successful or not I am, there will always be those more successful and less successful, so I need to get my head around that anyway. For me, failure would be that it isn't sufficiently successful to avoid the need to go back to the 'rat race' of corporate life. But if that was how it ended up, I'll have learned a lot from the experience anyway (plus had a massive distraction from PMO!). I think this for me is more broadly about conquering fear of failure, and the fact that I am having a go is very empowering for me. I'm reading a re-good book at the moment called 'feel the fear and do it anyway' by someone called Susan Jeffers. There's an abridged version on kindle for £1....I can recommend. Thanks for the well wishes!

mr.slurps · « **Reply #66 on:** May 28, 2020, 02:32:36 PM »

Hi Guys, Honestly, I did feel humiliated, especially since I'm 60, and I'm still flailing around. You guys all seem well-grounded and tough emotionally/mentally. (and a couple of you are getting in awesome shape on top of that.)
It is indeed rare to find support anywhere like this forum (you men.) Plus you guys an inspiration, and yes, not only in beating this addiction. You are all upping your game in terms of quality of life. (I see literally everyone here enhancing their lives and I love it!)
UK, one of the big things for me is the meditation. I hardly ever get miffed anymore and that was an issue for me.
Just like in the marriage area where I steer clear b/c I'm not the guy to provide good ideas, so too UK in the entrepreneurial field, I have a full storage unit to prove it! hahaha I don't want to forget to congratulate you on your streak and I hope you never even think of porn anymore, even when you're hung over. lol
Right now I'm treading water and there are some rocks in my pockets that I could do without.

UKGuy · « **Reply #67 on:** May 29, 2020, 06:12:36 AM »

Great to see that you're still going strong Mr S. You're falling for that age old trap though or comparing yourself (with all the faults that you can see), with your external perception of others (where most of our faults remain hidden). That's always a bad idea! I know because I've been doing it most of my life! Glad to hear that the meditation is doing well. What are you using? I've got loads of reading recommendations on meditation etc if you want any. Keep going my friend!

UKGuy · « **Reply #68 on:** May 29, 2020, 12:33:53 PM »

Day 55. Just checking in as experiencing very strong urges today - certainly the strongest since this streak began and seem to have come from nowhere. I think the triggers are purely sexual rather than emotional, however I will remember the 6 point plan and push on! Cheers all.

ShadeTrenicin · « **Reply #69 on:** May 29, 2020, 02:00:49 PM »

Hey UKGuy,

Keep on going man, you are almost at your all time record but more importantly closer to being free of porn. I can understand the physical urges, but that can be expected. Let's hope you will find a way to deal with that with the wife soon

Your view on the outcome of your entrepeneurial adventure is a healthy one! So I say; go kick ass and have your own business.

Another 5 days man! I'm rooting a lot for you as I feel a sort of connection with you. Good luck my friend

mr.slurps · « **Reply #70 on:** May 29, 2020, 04:39:04 PM »

Hiya UK, I think maybe you're right re this forum/support being a missing piece of the puzzle. And you're a rising tide lifting all us ships. Maybe that was too much of a stretcher. haha But I do have the feeling you've helped others a lot here. Thanks.
I've been having a rough day as far as urges too. I feel like the Israelites having escaped Pharaoh crossed the Red Sea, relapsed at the golden calf, and still yearning for the flesh-pots of Egypt. (Despite being free and looking at the promised land and eating mannah from heaven.)
I feel the same way today w/ porn. Just give me those ole flesh-pots back home and I'll relinquish all the freedom I've gained. And those freedoms I've earned are probably considerable though they're eclipsed by the pillar of smoke (I'm really rolling on this biblical metaphor. lol) Hopefully we'll both have the luck and fortitude to survive these false memories of the glorious past when we had every maiden at our "fingertips."

Joel · « **Reply #71 on:** May 30, 2020, 06:28:50 AM »

We're rooting for you, Guy. Make sure to process them with your plan, and feel free to share the experience!

UKGuy · « **Reply #72 on:** May 30, 2020, 10:47:30 AM »

Thanks for your support Shade and Joel. I really appreciate it.

Mr Slurps - you are too kind with your words, but I think you have struck upon a very good metaphor yourself there. I'm not particularly a religious guy, but I can relate to the story from my sunday school days. I have noticed though that there seem to be a lot of Christian guys on here - perhaps you could share your metaphor more widely in a specific post as it may help some of them.

In terms of an update - still feeling the urges but less than yesterday. You're right about the solution of sex with my wife Shade, but want to let it take its natural course and not for her to be my new relief service instead of PMO (I know you weren't suggesting that of course!) A day or two of acknowledging the urges and letting them drift away does good for the recovery process I think. Take care all.

UKGuy · « **Reply #73 on:** May 31, 2020, 03:10:34 PM »

Day 57, and I am pleased to report that the very strong urges I had on Friday, which were there but less powerful yesterday, have now completely subsided - AND I did nothing about it. Obviously no PMO, but I’ve not even had the opportunity to have sex with my wife, and the urges have just subsided. A real learn for me, and insight into the power of the 6 point plan. Cheers all.

mr.slurps · « **Reply #74 on:** May 31, 2020, 03:32:56 PM »

Hey Pal, Bad news. I made 8 days then full-on relapse this time. Day #1