Covid - an inflection point?

[Joel]

Good to hear from you, Guy. Shame not under better circumstances. I totally sympathise that you skirted/ couldn't quite let go, which stops the reboot happening as connections aren't severed.

And that there's a fetish that just makes you whoozy with dopamine - I have my weaknesses too. But the Dobber has all the answers, just work through the material and make sure you're staying visible and accountable - not necessarily to your spouse. Look forward to hearing about the first milestone.

[TheNorman]

Good to see you back UK. I know the circumstances aren't ideal, just like I know you will turn it around. Leo is right, don't let the fear create something bigger than it needs to be. We are all here for you!

[UKGuy]

Well it's good to hear from you again!

I can imagine that all of what you describe is making you anxious about the future.  But it may help to remember this adage: non-linear recovery.  I think your example is a case in point of where things can go really, really well and then inexplicably turn back to the previous norm.  But the point is that you were able to put yourself above the unwanted behavioral patterns... therefore it's a state of being that is reproducible in the future.  Then there is the supposed theory of recovery that claims that this be a long term process taking 2 years minimum.  So is it just a question of putting in more time and just being patient?  I have an inkling this is so.

As for your fear that the experience was similar to a "crack cocaine" high, take care to keep fear escalation in check.  Excessive fear has a way of working its way back to fuel stress and anxiety which inevitably leads to the use of coping mechanisms.  As bad as the events that occurred to you may feel, the behaviors are NOT who you are.  So if you do relapse but practice not identifying yourself with the behaviors, you might harbor something akin to equanimity or self-compassion instead of fear.

Take care,

I really appreciate these worlds Leo. Full of wisdom and they resonate and reassure in equal measure. Thank you so much.

Joel, Norman... I won't say "it's good to be back", but you know what I mean.

Thanks guys.

[LetItGoAlready]

Hey UKGuy - Good to see you back on the board. We've all gone sideways. (Hell, I've gone in a complete circle ) This isn't where your story ends, though. You've had success at this before, and you will have it again. No question. Take care, friend.

[mr.slurps]

Hiya Pal,  Sorry I've been gone so long man.  I feel flat on my face and I'm back at square one, wanking for hours daily. I feel drained physically, emotionally and spiritually. On the "surface" I'm doing fine-- working, getting out as much as covid allows, meditating (I owe you a debt of gratitude on that.)
You can imagine I've had every crappy emotion under the sun- shame, disappointment, frustration...
So, where to go from here?
My good head says pick up the pieces and be thankful you have the opportunity to try again. (Without having had some tragedy or hurt some body else.)
The other head says things aren't that bad. Wanking is healthy. You've got a strong sex drive...blah blah blah (lots of other nonsense.)
The bottom line is that I don't want porn in my life at all. I know I don't need it since I've gone without for stretches and felt good about it.
Sorry for sounding like Debbie Downer.  I hope you're well and still building your numbers and your family is healthy.   Mr. Slurps

[UKGuy]

Thanks Liga, and always nice to hear from you Mr S.

Today has been a good day - hopefully another inflection point (reference to the original title of this journal!)

I've meditated, read, listened to the Dobber (episode 240 Joel!) and had a great catch up with my accountability partner. I've also taken decisive action which will hopefully put some barriers between me and P. Specifically, I have asked my wife not just to control the access to the appstore on my phone with an extra passcode, but to actually load any apps I want herself and then give me the phone back with the controls back on. This closes a loop in me asking for her to unlock the appstore on the pretence of me needing an app (or updates) and then quickly downloading additional browsers/vpn etc myself before I give back to her to put the controls on. It will certainly give me some space to get some clear days under my belt I believe.

Feel good about today. A day towards recovery.

Best wishes all.

[jixu]

Hope the new steps can move you onward-very glad to see you around here again.  Have a good cean day!   

[UKGuy]

Cheers Jixu.

Pleased to report a clean week.

Onwards and upwards.

[Georgos]

So in Orwell's 1984 the prols were constantly being sent off to war whilst the party workers were busy making porn for them and Big Brother was watching everything. Sex became impossible for the party workers, whilst the prols enjoyed their porn, but had to fight abroad against one of the other four powers.

The fact that there were four powers was telling, it was a one world system, and one suspects that each of the powers operated in a very similar way.

So what is happening now. The Iraq war is over? The Jasmine movement that led to the Arab Spring and the collapse of Syria and Libya is over? Did these things even take place, we are being asked to question by Mr. Trump with his slogan of "fake news", it is all in our imagination is it, a dangerous thought.

COVID seems to mean many things to many people.

I remain committed to stopping PMO for my own benefit. Tomorrow is day one for me, having barely managed forty five minutes all day, such is the state of my binging off tobacco.

How are you doing UKGuy?

[UKGuy]

Hi all,

Just a short note to wish all my old buddies a Happy Christmas and PMO free 2021!

I don't tend to come on here too often nowadays (I can relate to what Leon says about it almost being an addiction in itself and perpetuating porn in ones consciousness), but do check in from time to time and read the journals. Although I tend to focus on reading the journals of the 'old crew', it's good to see some new guys arriving on the scene too.

As for me, I'm pleased to report that I'm doing well. I am now on my 35th day clean, and feeling positive. I have mentioned before that I've been fortunate enough to strike up a support relationship with Shade Trenicin (30-39) outside of the forum. It's something that the Dobber talks about a lot and for me it's been a real help. The human connectivity - a real person, a face on a video call, understanding about different aspects of someone else's journey and broader life is really powerful in helping dissolve the shame of your own addiction. Plus the benefits of accountability, practical tip sharing etc...It's really empowering. And in doing so I've been able to form a friendship that's goes beyond PMO.

I share this to encourage others to consider doing the same in 2021. Part of the issue with PMO is the shame, and this awful taboo. The risk of linking up with someone outside of the cloak of anonymity...Eeeek! Well, there are various ways to connect more fully without giving away your identity if that's an issue for you. If there's someone on here that you feel a connection with - probably someone where you can help each other (otherwise it becomes a bit one sided), then my recommendation is to throw caution to the wind and go for it. What's the worse that can happen?

Anyway, thanks for everyone's support and interest in my journey during 2020 and wishing you and yours a peaceful holiday period and best wishes for the new year.

Cheers,

UK Guy / Andrew

[workinprogressUK]

Star man. You've genuinely inspired me during 2020. Thanks for everything and so glad to read that you're chugging long nicely, mate.