Well it's good to hear from you again!I can imagine that all of what you describe is making you anxious about the future. But it may help to remember this adage: non-linear recovery. I think your example is a case in point of where things can go really, really well and then inexplicably turn back to the previous norm. But the point is that you were able to put yourself above the unwanted behavioral patterns... therefore it's a state of being that is reproducible in the future. Then there is the supposed theory of recovery that claims that this be a long term process taking 2 years minimum. So is it just a question of putting in more time and just being patient? I have an inkling this is so.As for your fear that the experience was similar to a "crack cocaine" high, take care to keep fear escalation in check. Excessive fear has a way of working its way back to fuel stress and anxiety which inevitably leads to the use of coping mechanisms. As bad as the events that occurred to you may feel, the behaviors are NOT who you are. So if you do relapse but practice not identifying yourself with the behaviors, you might harbor something akin to equanimity or self-compassion instead of fear.Take care,