Covid - an inflection point?

[UKGuy]

Morning all,

Quick check in - day 24.

One benefit of lockdown that I'd previously spoken about was the relative difficulty in getting time privately to PMO. One of the downsides, with teenagers in the house 24/7, is also lack of private time with my wife for love making. As a consequence, I am feeling somewhat 'irritable', particularly today! When I started our, my objective was to stay clear of PMO, and I didn't really have an issue with MO, but given that I've avoided everything so far, it feels as if MO'ing to solve a short term problem would represent a bad step for me - a step nearer PMO. So, I've had to take a decision this morning, and I'm choosing not to MO either. I might reconsider this in the future, but, for me, it seems like the wise thing to do.

So...my affirmation to you guys is to stay clean today and weather the storm. Thinking also about Traveler32's advice that ShadeTrenicin summarised so well recently to help me do this today...…

"1. Recognize the urge
 2. Allow that the urge is there (you cannot will it away, let it be and analyze it)
 3. Investigate why the urge is there (is there something inside of you that makes you resort to PMO?)
 4. Realize that the urge is temporary
 5. Recall the feeling of emptiness after a PMO wank
 6. (optional if the urge is really strong) Resort to an emergency activity such as sports, anti-sexual activities, other hobbies."

Have a good day, all.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey UKguy,


How did the day go for you? Any irritability?

Great recognition on that MO could lead to PMO. Even in these irritable times
Must be hard to not be able to have private time with the wife with the teenagers around.

I'm also glad to read that you've included Travelers/Mine thoughtprocess, i really hope it helps you!

Cheers man!

[UKGuy]

The day went fine thanks for asking Shade. Point 4 of yours and Traveler's 6 point plan really works!

[joepanic]

Hey Gentlemen

     This is a good conversation to follow   lots of  really valid points and ideas  I know I dont post on others jpournals too often these days   but what I do read certainly helps

   cheers
   
     Post often it helps me it helps  you

[UKGuy]

Quick update:

Today I reach 30 days with no PMO. This is only the 2nd time in my life I recall doing that since teens. The other occasion I got to 60 last year and then messed up badly. 60 is therefore my next logical milestone.

I just wanted to say thanks to all of you guys for being the magic ingredient that I have been missing. Without you and this forum (you ARE the forum) I have no doubt that I would have come up short. I came here as I knew from my research that connectivity and accountability to others was something that was missing from my plan, and boy, has it made a difference!

Here are a list of the things that I particularly like about being here:

1) a sense of connectivity - we're all here for the same reason irrespective of our age, race, location, particular manifestation of P addiction.
2) the reciprocity of helping and encouraging others and receiving that same care ourselves.
3) reading and learning about others' experiences - noting the similarities, the differences and watching the shame we feel due to our own behaviour diminish as we realise we are not alone.
4) The practical tips and advice that can really help us take accountability with the right tools to build our own plans to deal with triggers.
5) The broader awareness that many here show about their own self improvement journey as we also address some of the underlying drivers in our behaviour and (past) reliance on porn - lots of learnings for me there too.
6) the fact that if we trip, there's always a helping hand or two to help pick us up, dust us off, and remind us that falls do not equate to failure, rather an opportunity to learn and strengthen our plans and resolve.
7) The non judgemental tone in which we speak to each other - offering support, advice, encouragement, but never criticism.
The inspiration from seeing guys who are further along the journey, but still come here to stay on track and encourage others.

Have I missed anything?! Love to hear some other observations, and in the meantime, thank you all for your support so far. I really, really appreciate it.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey UKGuy!

Great work on reaching 30 days! Congratulations.


I totally agree on the 8 point list, it is THE missing link for recovery!

KEep up the good work!

[KittyHawk]

Hi UKGuy,

we have a lot of things in common. I also am trying to get out of corona-quarantine in a better shape than I got into it. I think this will be  a challenging for many - most people will be more out of shape, more addicted, more depressed. But we have the opportunity to choose the exact opposite.

I also find gardening to be therapeutic.

And helping other people here even more. Honestly, I think I'll keep going here even when I think I am PMO-free. There is a big truth in "once an addict, always an addict" and I don't mean to say it to discourage anyone. It just means that we will always have to be more careful around P than a normal person. Same way like ex-alcoholic shouldn't try to drink recreationally. And when I am PMO-free for couple months, I don't want to fall back to it ever... being here is a helpful reminder and also a chance to support others with the same struggle.

[UKGuy]

Thanks Shade and Kitty Hawk.
@Shade - you’ve been a great encouragement to me over the past month and I see you doing similar for many on here.
@Kitty Hawk - I agree 100% with you. I think helping others anywhere is great for your self esteem and mental health. I see guys here who are much much further down the road of recovery than me who still have the humility and kind heartedness to continue to participate and take part in this community - helping others, and at the same time of course helping themselves to stay connected and avoid complacency.
I also think the physical fitness effort goes a long way to helping a good mindset - discipline, good self esteem, the magic of endorphins. I also enjoy gardening, mainly as I find it meditative and I like the satisfaction of seeing the impact of my own labour - not something you can see as easily with career work. Enjoy and take care.

[mr.slurps]

Hi UK,  Re your list of stuff you like here, I too have found it a hidden gem.  I was about to go down the road of getting a paid "coach", but this is far superior b/c of the things you mentioned. Also, I had trouble relating to the youngsters.  (not diminishing their struggles or sincerity)
The part you mentioned re shame is huge for me. That burden can be a back breaker for me. And it is always with me as long as I'm addicted (that is a heck of a long time.)  It's great to know there are those that empathize.
The practical stuff has also been a godsend.  It's great to bounce ideas off each other.
And, yeah, I still love you even though you're a Brit. hahaha

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey UKGuy,

i've not seen a post in here from you for about a week now? How are things on your end? I see that you're involved in a lot of other guys' threads and being helpfull and supportive, thanks for that! It's really appreciated by all of us!

But, how are YOU doing?

[UKGuy]

Hi Shade - thank you for asking - you are a good man. I'm doing brilliantly thanks. Day 37. No PM whatsoever. Anything sexual has been with my wife throughout that time. I'm feeling great - positive, confident, productive, good self image - fanastic relationship with my wife and kids. Never moody or tired. No sneaking off into the bedroom or bathroom for hours on end! As I've said many times before, being here is definitely what has made the difference for me. I really feel part of something - a togetherness. This, for me, has been the missing ingredient and I'm just determined to keep going. I am sure there will be challenges ahead. I am having a bit of a career break at the moment - since the start of the year, so have no stress, plenty of time to exercise, meditate, come on here, do enjoyable stuff. Will that change once I return to work - more stress, less time? Probably, yes - but my plan was always to put together such a long streak by that time that the brain had rewired itself such that I could still stay clean in a changed environment. That doesn't indicate that I would leave here at that time by the way - being here with you guys is for keeps! Have a good day my friend!

[mr.slurps]

Hi UK,  How are you doing on that goal to quit the dating sites?  I've been very tempted to re-join but have thus far resisted.
If you can stay off them I bet you will feel better about your relationship.  Plus just having the worry of getting caught removed may feel liberating.     Best...

[UKGuy]

Hi Mr S,
Thanks for asking - they weren't dating sites as such - more chat sites, but still the behaviours are similar (inappropriate sexual dialogue with others). In any case, I have not been near one since my counter started. Although for most of my porn addicted journey it was pictures/videos, it then morphed into picture sites where you could comment, and then into chat. So when I say Porn free, it most definitely includes all of those things.
Being off them relieves me of guilt and shame, and also gives me back time, sleep, energy and a good mood.
I like that....a lot!

[Joel]

Hey,
Just joined myself and your story totally resonates. I just started listening to the PFR podcast too. Well done on the streak. I hope connecting to others here will be the missing part of the puzzle I've been looking for.

[mr.slurps]

Welcome Joel,    As far as being here goes--  I reckon it beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
Please keep connected.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey UKGuy,

Great to see the amazing impact stopping with P has had don you for the pas 40 days! The careerbreak may have also given you the extra free time to conquer this! Being without stress and not having to focus on work a lot opens up a lot of free time and space which you are now spending well by focusing on your family. As you already said yourself, in this time you are rewiring yourself in such a way that when you eventually get back to work again you are also able to cope with the stress and new environment.

When do you plan to go back to work anyway?

[UKGuy]

@ Joel - welcome at thanks for connecting. I certainly hope you find the community as beneficial as I have. It's been the missing ingredient for me after years of trying to become free. I will write more on your own journal.

@Shade - Yes, I think the career break and Covid lockdown have been enablers. Also you have to seize those opportunities and I am so glad that I made the choice to log on here, share and get some help with my journey. I am in a couple of recruitment processes at the moment and it is possible that I may restart work sooner rather than later. I will keep you posted!

[mr.slurps]

 Hi Shade,  If you happen to read this, I've seen your helpful/caring posts but couldn't find your journal. Do you have one? (If you don't mind I'd like to check it out.)

[UKGuy]

Here is Shade's journal Mr S. He's a great guy and posts in 30-39 so that's maybe why you struggled to find it...

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

[UKGuy]

Hi all,
I've been online here already this morning - replied to a few threads, and gone away to get on with my day. I then became struck by a realisation - an awareness of a trigger and have therefore come back to share it, and for two reasons. 1) I think that 'shining a light' on it will diminish its power and 2) perhaps some of you can relate...

It's something of an emotional stress trigger really. I've been out of work since the start of the year. This isn't a major issue and as we luckily have some small savings and are not spending much with Covid, I planned to take 6 months off anyway. The time and space off has been a real godsend...I didn't really enjoy the last year of my last job and was having some real self esteem issues relating to what you might have heard as 'imposter syndrome' (basically not feeling good enough about yourself in your role, comparing yourself negatively to others etc). I had really let it get a grip of me and had started to manifest itself as strong anxiety - especially in work situations where I may have to, for example present something. Noone really knew about it, except my wife, but it was crippling me inside.

The time off has been a great opportunity to heal, and as you know from my journal, it's also been an enabler to kick starting my reset with your help (day 40 today...yay!)

However, I feel I am on the verge of potentially landing a good job, and guess what....some of those old thoughts, feelings and emotions (primarily of fear of failure) come flooding back. Oh...where do I go to escape these horrible sensations?! Well...we all know what the answer to that can so easily be. It won't be of course...because I'm here, sharing with you...facing into the trigger and temptation and hopefully neutralising it. But, if I hadn't logged back on and come here...who knows? maybe not today, but perhaps just a little indulging a fantasy for a moment or two...perhaps googling that actress that I found attractive when watching a film on my exercise bike yesterday (I must confess, I did google her yesterday, whilst still on the relatively safe exercise bike, but then thought better of it and stopped), perhaps it would be a cumulation of little things that would tip the scales in the favour of a relapse. I guess triggers can accumulate...we can succumb to little things that in the moment are small, but lead to other little unwise choices, and before we know where we are, the reward system is fully fired off, and away we go!. Well, not today.

My plan is to spend some time reading. Great book called The Little Book of Stoicism by Jonas Saltzgeber. I'm also thinking of reaching out to an ex colleague who has retired now and asking him to become a mentor to help build my confidence in some of the perceived technical capability gaps in my work that have led to the feelings of low self worth. Will also get in the garden for a few hours and I will enjoy the weekly National Health Service clapping that we do outside our homes here every week at 20:00.

Thanks for letting me vent...I feel a little emotional, but that this was a good idea for me. Have a good day.

[realfakeusername]

having some real self esteem issues relating to what you might have heard as 'imposter syndrome' (basically not feeling good enough about yourself in your role, comparing yourself negatively to others etc).

Hi UK!
I know exactly how you feel. I have a theory that could be total BS, but here goes. I think the imposter is not just performance based, but we are actually hiding a big part of our lives and we feel less authentic. When we are honest with ourselves and those we love, we can handle criticism and more accurately assess our short comings, learn from them and improve.
I feel somewhat confident in my intellect at times and not so much at others. The confidence comes when we aren't trying to perform for others but the task at hand or a project, etc.. If we are worried about what others think of the false image we are projecting, we aren't focused on what's important and relevant - What are we missing in knowledge or skill to succeed? Not how do we impress colleagues. Authenticity vs. imposter.
I think we learn to be or think of ourselves as imposters by leading double lives or hidden lives. Creating so much self doubt that we lose sight of our strengths and underestimate our weaknesses. We feel less so when we are open and honest with nothing to hide.

Good luck moving on from your insight. It sounds like a significant moment of clarity.

[mr.slurps]

Hiya UK,  You have a knack for uncovering deep/impt. stuff. (Bless your heart.)  I've had the same thing in spades (feeling like a fake.)
It's probably unique to the last 150 years (a pimple on a rhino) since we've been kicking around for approx 2.5 m years.
For most of recorded time you did what your grandfather did who did what his grandfather did.  (10 generations of breeding some animal or blacksmithing...)  Tough to fake that stuff.
I don't know any answer to this weird phenomenon. (probably too complicated for me)
How about make a game out of it.  Role play in a good way. (your wife is "the boss")
ex.  Your wife says, "UK you are dumber than a box of rocks!"  Then you respond....
She says, "You've been pretending to be a table, all you are is a lousy chair!"....
She says,  "Right now, give me three reasons why I should pay you xxx pounds for working here!"
You get the idea. Try to get to the worst case scenario.
I heard a J. Petterson tape on something similar.  Some phobias like fear of elevators can be tackled gradually, step by step, getting closer to the frightening elevator. You might not even be able to get in one for 3 months but you will eventually.
So start w/ little stuff.  Your wife says to you, "UK your penmanship sucks. Did you graduate kindergarten?" You might respond, "Yeah, it wasn't my strong point, but I'll definitely start practicing."
But, never, ever, let some one demean/insult you.

[Joel]

Good luck on the fresh challenge, Guy. I can definitely empathise on enjoying a streak in this Lockdown bubble, then the real world raises its head...

[UKGuy]

Hi Real, Mr Slurps and Joel,
Thanks for your responses.
@Real - I think your observation about feeling confident when doing something for one's self rather then to impress others is spot on. When I am working on something, I always feel as if I am doing a good job (and I thin I usually am). It's when I'm on show to others and I compare myself against my perception of them (of course you only see what they want to project, whereas I know ALL my own faults and flaws). I am intellectually capable (I do know that), but I will always compare myself unfavourably - it might not be raw intellect, but it might be perceived experience gap or something. I think the porn thing adds an additional dimension - I am hiding something that I am ashamed about. Let's face it - it can't help!!
@ Mr Slurps - TBH, I don't get many people putting me down (including my wife thankfully). I put me down. I am my worse critic. I think things about myself that I would never say to another person. How cruel I am to myself. I believe this is an evolutionary instinct - those brains that were more inclined to see threats were the ones that were not eaten or attacked etc, those genes survived, and have been honed throughout the generations. There are no warriers from other tribes waiting behind the rock for us, or sabre tooth tigers prowling to attach our families, but our brain is still programmed to look out for threats (or negative things), so we see these things much more easily than the positives. It's called Negativity Bias apparently and worth a Google or check this out.... https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618
@Joel - thanks! Long may our respective streaks continue.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey UKGuy,


I'm glad to read that you, as a non-millennial, are posting about impostor syndome! This is so recognizable for me (and a lot of people my age)! The way you describe it is spot on. And in the media thoughts like this are mostly linked to millennial so i am happy to read that this extends beyond the boundaries of millennials as well

What you describe to Mr.Slurs as being your own worst critic is also the same for me. Do you also have the feeling that if you do/make something and you get a lot of positive remarks about it that you can't accept them if you yourself think it's no big deal? As in do you down-play your own achievements?

The question that remains is; where do these feelings come from and why do they pop up the moment you're about to land a new great job.
Are you really convinced that you don't deserve it or are you afraid to fail?


On the other things you posted, the insight of you recognizing the emotional trigger and the accumulative effect of triggers in general is spot on! Thanks for that insight, it was helpful to me!



Good luck man, I hope you can unearth the origin of your feelings of being an impostor.

As always, i'm rooting for you