New Start

[Rookie]

Day 225...this week has been an emotional roller coaster. I was in town with my truck (love that thing, big tires, lift kit, feel big in it) and a poor woman thought she had room to squeeze by, and she took out my driver's tail light, and a 3 inch scratch. Small gouge as well, so can't just do touch up paint. Light...$160...body work and paint...$1000. Well snap....

Get to work, wife sends me a text that someone at the gym where she works out, dropped one of those handles on her phone and crushed it. She was having a bad day, no sense telling her about the truck.

The good news is, the woman, that hit my truck, called me right away so we would have each other's phone numbers and she completely took responsibility for it. So far, they paid the light, and seems they are paying for the paint job as well. I already got a new phone for the missus.

Usually, with this kind of week, I would have resorted to porn for some fantasy living. This time, nope. Not worth it, especially with this kind of streak going. So, I am still on schedule with my bible reading within 90 days. I'm halfway.

Onto another week, for those of you reading my journal, thank you. You have no idea how much it encourages me. Though I have a good streak going, I can fall at any time. This covid crap (I don't believe it for a second, way too much information coming out showing data to the contrary of what's been reported) is not going to end anytime soon...I know where I live, they don't want to have the masks removed until the vaccine is out. For a 99.97% survival rate? Come on, the flu is deadlier.

Anyway, enough rant for now. If someone is feeling encouraged by my journal, drop a comment.

[LetItGoAlready]

Usually, with this kind of week, I would have resorted to porn for some fantasy living. This time, nope. Not worth it, especially with this kind of streak going. So, I am still on schedule with my bible reading within 90 days. I'm halfway.

Nice going on staying the course, Rookie. Just by being alive and at the mercy of the world's randomness, any one of us could experience a day like you had and turn to our old reliable friend P for comfort. The fact that you didn't is a testament to the strength of your recovery. I commend you for making the right choice in this situation. Congrats and onward, friend!

[Rookie]

Day 234...Been 3 weeks since we had sex. While I miss it, big time, I'm not overly distraught. I might have to see a doctor. When Pedro gets halfway erect, there is some discomfort when squeezed around the middle of the shaft. And the last time we had sex, I wasn't able to cum. My wife thought I was having an affair. I had to confess that when Pedro is hurting, it's not an easy conversation starter "Hey hun, by the way, I'm hurtin' down there". Most folks don't like talking about their privates.

Based on the research I have done, seems like a UTI...they can apparently hurt since the urethra is "inflamed", when it stretches, it can cause discomfort. There is absolutely no pain / discomfort when limp, no signs of bruising, lumps or anything. Only mild pain when getting erect.

Who knows when the next time we have sex is at this point. She's beyond stressed at work, and thinks because I have a difficult time getting a full erection now, I'm rejecting her.

Great times...Hugely tempted at watching again, just for the relief, however, not a streak I want to start over. God give me grace.

[rolandc244]

You're doing better than most of us here I thought, I guess you spend too much time thinking about it though. But bottom line remains that whenever lingers in your mind the idea that relief is at hand, that you could have PMO and you'd feel better and it would not count as a relapse and so on, then your brain won't give you no rest. Now if you'd start looking at that so called 'relief' as something that on the contrary you do not want and that you pity others for being weak enough to let themselves be conned by it endlessly, then the urges fade away. Period. Similarly, if you picture a small child whose toy was taken away from (because it made such a noise), as long as that child knows inside that the toy remains somehow available, then it he/she will incredible distances (wining and crying like it's the end of the world) until he/she eventually gets that toy back. Our impaired brains act exactly the same way in front of the implied possibility that our drug (=toy) could be available again to us. So basically, your brain's giving you the run around only because it knows deep inside there's a slight possibility that it could have it, therefore win. On the other end, if PMO is something you actively don't want then there's no room left for any craving of any form.

[Rookie]

You're doing better than most of us here I thought, I guess you spend too much time thinking about it though. But bottom line remains that whenever lingers in your mind the idea that relief is at hand, that you could have PMO and you'd feel better and it would not count as a relapse and so on, then your brain won't give you no rest. Now if you'd start looking at that so called 'relief' as something that on the contrary you do not want and that you pity others for being weak enough to let themselves be conned by it endlessly, then the urges fade away. Period. Similarly, if you picture a small child whose toy was taken away from (because it made such a noise), as long as that child knows inside that the toy remains somehow available, then it he/she will incredible distances (wining and crying like it's the end of the world) until he/she eventually gets that toy back. Our impaired brains act exactly the same way in front of the implied possibility that our drug (=toy) could be available again to us. So basically, your brain's giving you the run around only because it knows deep inside there's a slight possibility that it could have it, therefore win. On the other end, if PMO is something you actively don't want then there's no room left for any craving of any form.

First off, no, I'm do not pity others for being "weak"...I was there and have never used that word to describe anyone else on the board. I know the battle. And don't underestimate the battle on my end. It is still a battle. The pull is not as strong as it was in the beginning, but there is still a pull. I will NEVER put someone else down on this board that has difficulty getting past 2 days. Been there. I am still occasionally trying to throw messages at Mr. Slurps...(Ex Edger).

But I understand 100% what you're saying about if there's a chance of PMO for relief, it will come back, with a vengeance. I know myself too well that if I give in, it won't just be 1 relapse. It will last a while. Which is why I'm fighting as much as I can.

Either way, I would never put anyone on the board down, it's a fight, every day. I'm just on a pity potty and thought I would put down some thoughts in my journal. I apologize if someone read that I thought I was better than others...believe me, that is never the case. If anything, I can try to give tips to help fight it, since I am there, and gracefully have a streak going, but otherwise, I'm the same as everyone else, a recovering addict.

[rolandc244]

First off, no, I'm do not pity others for being "weak"...I was there and have never used that word to describe anyone else on the board.

Hold on your horses, please, I did not mean to undermine anyone here. I might have picked the wrong set of words here, God knows my command of English is far from perfect nowadays, but whoever knows about the Allen Carr method knows what I am talking about here. Of course, sometimes it's even hard for some of us to get passed a few hours and I have been one of those in the past and I now realize my words may have hurt someone out there but again I did not mean that. On the contrary, I want people to realize looking down on PMO will help them big time, like to this day I myself still look down on cigarettes and the whole tobacco industry, marketing included and I haven't had a single craving whatsoever since the day I've quit smoking + drinking back in 2013.

[Rookie]

Day 239...finally, she was immensely in the mood, and for the first time, I was absolutely petrified.

******Trigger Alert******

Finally when we were doing the deed, the pain, was bad. All at the head. Then when climax happened, more pain. It was very, very bitter sweet. We both needed it. However, the pain was bad.

We then had a quick discussion and when describing the symptoms and where it hurts, she mentioned urinary tract infection, or prostate infection? So I looked it up, and sure enough, I found 3 sites that describe exactly what my pain is...and seems it's a prostate infection of some sort. Not a big believer in conventional medicine for most things. I know a homeopathic doctor in town that has resolved many issues. I'll be calling him Monday.

Giving him the symptoms, especially since everything looks completely normal, and feels normal...absolutely no visual defects or anything. Hoping he agrees and has some natural advice and medication for this.

Sorry for rambling, however, this is my journal. 

[Chris Oz]

Hey Roland, I get what you're saying. Although if I had not been reading the book currently bout the Method you mentioned with Allen Carr, I wouldn't have a clue.

I believe it's a great way of seeing the whole porn addiction, the more we see porn as nothing and remove all the brainwashing that little monster does in our minds, the easier it becomes.

When we believe we are giving it up like it's something we are forefeiting for something better it becomes a bit harder as the withdrawal pangs get worse making porn seem more precious than it does.

But the truth is Porn has zero value whatsoever to our selves. It only feeds our minds to accepting wrong believes that it benefits us in one way or the other therefore feeding cravings which when relieved lead to more cravings and an endless cycle of a miserable life depelting session.

Anyone and everyone can get past this addiction instantly if only we can get past the brainwashing. And the book I'm reading helps to remove the blinders off tackling every possible false benefit porn has led us to believe it offers.

I'd stop there about this. To learn more about this, go download the book- The easy peasy way to quit porn

Rookie my man, you'd always remain an inspiration to me. I believe Roland misunderstood where you were coming from as well as you did him too. But I know very much how much you are a humble guy and have never ever looked down on those having little progress.

Been so long I read your journal. I'm so sorry about the difficulties your having when getting erect and having sex with your wife. I'm happy she understands what's going on now and I hope you guys find a solution to it.

[Rookie]

Day 254...long due for an update. If I was to say that I finally don't have any temptation...I would be lying. Some days are much stronger than others.

On a positive note...my homeopathic doctor figured out the issue. UTI...with scar tissue...sold me natural medication, supplements and vitamins. Took them for a week, and my wife was in the mood last night. While the pain wasn't gone 100%, it was a major difference. I could actually enjoy it again. There was a very slight tinge of discomfort..however, not like last time. Last time, I thought to myself, I do NOT want to be aroused again, the pain isn't worth it.

And we bought a home gym, not a fan of doing to the gym anymore...way too many restrictions. Wearing a mask while working out...the heck with that. So will be working out from home and will be investing in building up our own gym.

I had Instagram on my phone again...just to follow my wife on hers..and give her compliments...had to get rid of it again. EVERY stupid suggestion to follow, was a woman half or barely dressed. While I don't have the temptation to MO at all, I don't want the temptation to linger in P either. Back to Twitter (political stuff) and Facebook (about as clean as it gets)....

[workinprogressUK]

Great work, Rookie. You're a lasting source of inspiration.
I've never had Insta. Don't have any S'meeds beyond linkedin. I know I wouldn't cope. Kudos to you for trying it, working out that it still doesn't fit you, and deleting.

Have you got a decent chin-up / pull-up bar yet? Best piece of home gym equipment I ever bought. Game changing.

[Rookie]

Great work, Rookie. You're a lasting source of inspiration.
I've never had Insta. Don't have any S'meeds beyond linkedin. I know I wouldn't cope. Kudos to you for trying it, working out that it still doesn't fit you, and deleting.

Have you got a decent chin-up / pull-up bar yet? Best piece of home gym equipment I ever bought. Game changing.

I weight about 290 lbs...my arms aren't big / strong enough to lift me yet. Working on getting a couple of parallel dip bars with some rubber bands, plus that home gym. It's a P2X from Bodysolid...and I got the 210 lbs weight stack. Should be getting it this week. I'm actually hoping to max out on it within a few months, then I'll have to get creative with my workouts.

[Rookie]

Day 271...temptations are becoming less and less frequent, finally. If I would have known that it would take this long to get this out of my cycle, I can't say I would have jumped on board that easily and quickly. But by the grace of God...

One big appreciation I have, is that it's finally freezing where I live. So this means, women will actually dress up to go outside. So much less temptation that way.

Besides that, not much to add. Might have more a bit later.

Thanks to those that keep reading, it's actually an encouragement that I might be motivating to someone else in this struggle.

[Chris Oz]

Nice work on your recovery resolve man. It sad to still be having temptations at 271 days, for me it's like a little discouraging but I know that's how life is. The struggle never goes away, we just become stronger than them.

So I encourage you to keep doing what you're doing.
Stay Woke
Chris

[workinprogressUK]

Day 271...temptations are becoming less and less frequent, finally.

Each time you check-in, and I read that you're thriving in a p-free life, it gives me strength. Wishing you a serene and happy end to 2020 and sending my thanks and congratulations.

[Georgos]

So, I saw them, I grew up, I PMOd, I'm sure this is not what you want. Spun anyway it sounds.