Author Topic: New Start (Read 9671 times)

Rookie · « **Reply #125 on:** August 17, 2020, 11:37:51 PM »

Day 153...still some temptation to P(I really wish that crap was gone). But no temptation to PMO...which is good. However, the last few days have been wicked busy.
Yesterday, I was dealing with a business partner of mine (I am barely active in that business, but since I'm the only French one in the office, I'm inheriting some French clients) on a transaction I have to complete.

While outside he asked, "so what church do you go to now". I went to his in the past (Plymouth Brethren) however, since they are free will dispensationalists, and I now subscribe to the Calvinist, Covenant Theology, and more on the Supralapsarianism (Robert Weymond version), we had a long, long discussion.

At the end of it, he wanted bible verses that supported my view...and with every verse I gave him (Ephesians 1, Romans 8 and 9, Jeremiah 17:9, John chapter 6...and the list goes on) he had to do bible gymnastics to explain his perspective. So he wants a bigger list.

Well, all this to say, I'm going to be way too busy to do this "essay" for him to show my point, whether he believes it or not, plus work, gym, domestic duties...no time for PMO these days.

Once again, hoping the next post, is that this streak is extended again.

Chris Oz · « **Reply #126 on:** August 22, 2020, 12:58:28 AM »

Wow, Rookie Day 153.
I just went through the first page of my forum and saw your post. It gave me hope. So I decided to check you out and see how your recovery is going only to see day 153. I'm in awe. I feel a little dejected though saying in my mind "this could have been me."

But I really am happy for you.

Keep posting and give us encouragement

Rookie · « **Reply #127 on:** August 22, 2020, 07:50:00 AM »

It can still be you...an old Chinese proverb says "the best time to plant an oak seed is 50 yrs ago...the next best time, is today"...

Don't let my "success" be a discouragement for you. Let it be a motivation. "If Rookie can do it, anyone can do it".

I would also be lying if I said the temptations are gone. They most assuredly are NOT. But I had much more motivation going as soon as I hit the 30 day streak...I didn't want to relapse at that point.

Chris Oz · « **Reply #128 on:** August 22, 2020, 03:59:03 PM »

I guess so man. Thanks for your encouragement. And also for showing us that it's possible to beat this. Thank you.

Together, we win.

Rookie · « **Reply #129 on:** August 25, 2020, 07:29:31 AM »

Day 161...unbelievable, the battle still rages at this stage of the game. Some days, the ONLY thing keeping me going, is that I have finally built a long streak. I can promise you, if I was only a few days in, I would be restarting...very frequently.

I thank my wife for the weekend relief. She even jokes about it now "you seem to be looking forward to weekends now...". Well since I did confess to her about quitting porn and self relief, she's much more on board...her weekend alcoholic coolers seem to make her more "friendly" as well.

These next few weeks, are probably going to fly by. A daytime adviser is on vacation starting Friday...for 2 weeks. This job is hard enough when you're 2 during the day, my wife "approved" me putting in a few hours of overtime. I'm making half decent money for my town, so time and a half of that, will be a very nice pay.

I unfortunately don't have time to read all the progress some of the brothers are making on the forum. There are a couple I read, and seldom post. Heck, I only have time to post once every 7 - 10 - 20 days on my own. And personally, I would much rather it that way.

If I have tons of time to post...I have tons of time to possibly fall again.

All that being said, for the ones that are reading this and thinking "oh snap...this guy has it going for himself, 161 days...", it is STILL very much a fight. There are some days I just want to feel that PMO just one more time...especially since relief only comes once a week, the edging and the final climax would be huge. But at the same time....I know it's ALL a lie. The remorse, depression, guilt, everything will be even bigger than the climax.

There comes a time where you have to have the control and say enough...find a past time, gym (unless the women are half dressed and it's a trigger...then do calisthenics outside). Build models...anything, just get disconnected from the digital world.

ZiggyBoo · « **Reply #130 on:** August 25, 2020, 09:02:13 AM »

Great work on the 161 days streak Rookie, it's great to know that it possible. Interesting but not too surprising to hear that it's still a huge battle at that stage of your recovery. Good to hear you wife is a great support for you now too - Keep up the good work

Chris Oz · « **Reply #131 on:** August 25, 2020, 03:59:21 PM »

What Ziggy said, lol.
Keep pushing!
Chris

workinprogressUK · « **Reply #132 on:** August 26, 2020, 07:32:40 AM »

Quote from: Rookie on August 25, 2020, 07:29:31 AM

There comes a time where you have to have the control and say enough...find a past time, gym (unless the women are half dressed and it's a trigger...then do calisthenics outside). Build models...anything, just get disconnected from the digital world.

That would be SO good. The less time I spend online, the easier it is to stay straight. Congrats on staying strong for so long. Fully understand that it doesn't get easy and I totally respect every day that you resist the temptation, Rookie.

Rookie · « **Reply #133 on:** August 30, 2020, 07:33:18 PM »

Day 166...this, is going to be a long, and very, very tough week. Wife's monthly nemesis showed up, just in time for the weekend. No relief this weekend. And I'm too scared of my wife's tantrums to let her know I need help...Love her and she's a wonderful woman on many angles...however, bringing up sex...unless she's in the mood, it don't happen. So I was hoping for anything to give me relief. And she's working the complete opposite shift I am. I go to bed at 1:30 am...she gets up at 5:30 am for her shift. So unless I get a wake up call, which I think will be highly unlikely...this is going to be a 2 week stretch.

In other news...my father in law and I went out to hit a few golf balls at a local driving range. The way the guy is active (sure he's 69 yrs old, but you could never tell, he's always on the go) and has played very sport, including bodybuilding in his prime...I thought I was going to get my ass kicked at the range.

Low and behold, the first couple he hit, didn't make it to 100 yards...and I cranked out my first 3 at almost 200 yards. That pretty much set the pace. He got a good one from time to time, lined straight, and slightly increasing in altitude...reaching nearly 200...

Mine were at 175 + on a regular basis, and the odd one was below 100. Then I decided to look at his swing, he has a weak baseball swing, bends both arms, no break in the elbow, and the front knee doesn't bend on the upswing.

Then my moment of pride when he asked me, halfway..."how do you swing? You are reaching or clearing the fence at the 230 mark often"...so I told him, go in front of me, and watch...he saw that my front arm barely bent, my wrist is what broke, and that I could see the club in the corner of my eye...with my front knee bent a bit. And then when I come around, I let the club do the work.

I also tried a baseball swing...200+ yards and straight....not much difference.

Either way, great time this afternoon. Next we're doing the batting cages.

Anyway, this week, going to be a long one, she's working at the center 7-3....so that will leave me home all day...alone.

Must find something to do either at the house, or elsewhere.

Rookie · « **Reply #134 on:** September 06, 2020, 08:20:08 PM »

Day 173...I can honestly say I never thought I would be PMO free for this amount of time. This week flew by. No overtime, however, lots to do, and we went to a friend's house for a fire. Yesterday (Saturday) I told my wife that I would drop her off home from the gym (great workout together). She could start cleaning the house, since we were having a guest today (Sunday). And I would get some groceries.

Well, she had a HUGE meltdown / panic attack / anxiety attack or whatever you want to call it. Got a few texts saying "I'm overwhelmed, I can't clean, the house is too messy, my system just broke down, I had a crying / screaming fit, and by body shut down". What do you do with that, well, when you have seen it many times before...you keep running your errands, and reply back "go to my parents camp, away from everything, and I'll clean when I get home"...then she sends another text...I replied back "go for a nap, I'll take care of it"...

****possible trigger alert****
Get home...she had the whole house pretty near spotless. But, she didn't want to go out for the fire. Definitely not in the mood for sex, which what I was reeeaaaalllly hoping for, I was 2 weeks without relief...this sucked, bad.

We both had a nap, and went out with the friends. She had an awesome time, and even had some punch our friend made. I don't drink, so I have no idea. She had some, and said it was strong, and only had 2 drinks.

At about 11pm...she whispers in my ear "I think it's time to go home, and for me to make it up to you for screaming at you while I was cleaning"....cheque please!!!

She held to her promise...however, while it was awesome and somewhat short lived (which I told her, no relief for 2 weeks, it's like being a virgin again), either way, she loved it, me, it burned. Suspecting too long without relief??

Again today, great sex again, and much better, no burning. And apparently she's planning on waking me up in the morning for more. I love my weekends.

Then this evening, I had a conversation with my pastor, and told him I'm just a few days away from 6 months without PMO...he was very excited and thrilled. We had a great conversation. I also asked him for prayer for my wife's anxiety, and for my rabbit hole research in this stupid covid crap. That being said, everything I see, is coming to light, so I'm happy to see I'm not as crazy as I thought I was...however, very time consuming.

All this to say...the streak continues.

jixu · « **Reply #135 on:** September 11, 2020, 06:51:35 AM »

Great job handling that situation about cleaning-quite a reward you received! Nice to see things working for you-keep up the good work!

Rookie · « **Reply #136 on:** September 14, 2020, 08:09:29 AM »

Day 181...loaded with everything and boredom today. I actually have time to go to the gym, or read, or go to dad's and help him with his upside down float (rotted frame). I do have to go vote. No way around that one. Weekend wasn't bad.

Wife went out with some friends from work Friday night, she bluntly told the host "we have to go home to have fun"...well, I had just got off work, and went to pick her up...that being said, it wasn't a long conversation.

And that was the only sexual episode this weekend. Discouraging, yep, very much. However, I could have had no relief and I always have to look at the point that, many marriages have much, much less sex than we do. And this sexual addiction I'm fighting, is not my wife's, it's mine.

Either way, 6 months...unbelievable it's still a fight....

workinprogressUK · « **Reply #137 on:** September 14, 2020, 08:10:31 AM »

Sincere congrats, Rookie. Great work.

UKGuy · « **Reply #138 on:** September 20, 2020, 04:00:57 PM »

6 months - I take my hat off to you Rookie. Well done my friend!

Rookie · « **Reply #139 on:** September 21, 2020, 09:28:16 AM »

Day 188...Finally, it's getting "easier". Not actually "fighting" as much as I use to. Not saying there's no battle...just saying it's finally getting easier to walk away from the computer...turn off the tv..whatever.

Wife and I have a getaway planned for our anniversary soon. She's excited about the place we're staying at. I'm just seeing the stupid dollars go out the window. The weekend won't be less than $500...and that's the killer for me. I'm used to spending about $50 for a weekend.

I would list the resort here, however, if some of you misfits know me outside this board...it might disclose my identity, lol.

All that said, for the ones struggling to quit this pain in the ass sin / behavior / addiction / whatever you want to label it. There is hope.

I was an EVERY day, sometimes twice a day with some serious edging. I couldn't get 2 days under my belt.

The one part that still seems to linger, is when them good looking women in them Lululemon pants walk around, pisses me off. They all have that mentality of "I can wear what I want"...sure, but you have no idea what it does for some of us men. It's pure torture. Rumor has it that a guy actually invented them. Bastard.

Either way, time to get back to my daily life...check a tire for leaks today, oil change and tire rotation tomorrow for my beast, and the rest of the week has a heavy plan as well.

Keep fighting folks...there is SOOOOO much life to live once you finally get rid of an addiction. It's a fight, but when you can finally start "relaxing" and not think about it all the time, it's fantastic.

I can even admit, there must be hundreds of scenes I had in my head with certain actresses...there are still lots, but there are some that I don't remember anymore. This...is progress.

While I won't let my guard down, since I could still fall anytime...the fight is not completely over, I can say, the craving is starting to go down. Talk about a long freaking haul for that to finally go away.

Rookie · « **Reply #140 on:** September 27, 2020, 06:42:30 PM »

Day 194...As mentioned in previous post...finally, less temptation to look up actresses and such. Till recently, the temptation was still quite strong.

Now, it's finally starting to subside. And while I wouldn't be happy about it, even if my wife cuts down our intimacy, I no longer have blue balls...

This week, was uneventful. Work, as most, cleaned the house a bit, huge garage clean up... can actually fit both our vehicles in there now.

The one thing that pisses me off right now about this reboot thing, as I mentioned it to Mr. Slurps on his blog...Youtube seems to know I'm fight and has recently posted a TON of runway models, bikini shows and lingerie...I had to sign out of my youtube account, and it seems to be better. Even my FB feed, Wish is advertising some Asian sex dolls...like what the actual hell. Even in my days of addiction, while tempting, it would never have materialized in my house. Besides, how the hell do you explain that one to your wife. "Hey hon...I'm expecting a woman in a box...for you know, the time's you're not in the mood, well, I still need it"...

I honestly think, while not ideal, and most women feel betrayed when they catch their man in the trap of PMO...I think they prefer it to their man indulging himself with a doll.

So there are 2 things that I find really encouraging right now. I was curious on how many people actually read my posts. Since only a couple, from time to time will actually reply. You guys have no idea how encouraging you are, even in this stage of the game, when I read it, I'm like "nice, someone actually does ready my journal besides me". I have also jotted down a date and how many views on my journal, and every day, seems to up by 20 - 40...sometimes less, sometimes more. But either way, if I can provide encouragement to anyone, that's a win.

The other thing I find extremely encouraging, I'm approaching 200 days...never in my life of addiction did I ever think this would happen. I still remember the "click bait" in the late 90's...on dial up...finally high speed came along. I still remember a couple of sites I would visit in the early 2000's...don't remember the site name, just the layout.

The internet has come a long, long way.

Glad to finally be rid of it, so far. While I'm not planning on going back, I really hope this reboot is not like "crap, did I forget the burner on the stove on?" and then you turn around to check. I'm seriously hoping and praying that this is a permanent thing.

I don't know that I'll have time to post anything till next Sunday. Weeks are flying by as of late and my wife and I are going away this weekend...love the going away part, hate the "paying for it" part...

Rookie · « **Reply #141 on:** October 04, 2020, 09:47:46 PM »

Day 201...We celebrated our anniversary at a very luxurious hotel in our province this weekend. The price very much reflected in "luxurious"...

Had a great, great time. And had sex the night of, and the next morning. We were both very much anticipating it. We both knew, the main reason was just to get away from the house and daily responsibilities to be alone, no dependents with us.

The week was fine...she still has stress from her job, I still have politics at mine that piss me off...but hey, when you work for a huge corporation, you have the politicians, and you have the truth sayers. My shift has the truthers, and we aren't liked very much. Who cares, we get the job done and go home.

As far as the PMO...the streak continues.

Progress in church, I might not have to drive an hour each way to church for much longer. A group I know very well is looking at starting a house church. I discussed it with one of the organizers, and seems the format is one I know well.

I might even be one of the "leaders" in it, as far as preaching goes, since I don't have any issues with public speaking, and studying.

Hoping my wife comes back to "church" with me. That would be a huge blessing.

That's it for now, praying my next post is a continuation of the previous post.

rolandc244 · « **Reply #142 on:** October 06, 2020, 12:53:03 AM »

Quote from: Rookie on October 04, 2020, 09:47:46 PM

Hoping my wife comes back to "church" with me. That would be a huge blessing.

Speaking about huge blessings, reaching day 203 would be one for me, congratulations for such a long streak! Tomorrow at noon I'll hit 7 days and I dunno how in the world I'll make it passed 200 but I'm trying to keep faith here. Yesterday I saw one one Noah Church videos where he said he had relapsed even after he wrote his book, I almost slipped because of that video but I stood strong so this kinda reinforced me neurologically in some ways.

workinprogressUK · « **Reply #143 on:** October 06, 2020, 06:31:00 AM »

Quote from: Rookie on October 04, 2020, 09:47:46 PM

That's it for now, praying my next post is a continuation of the previous post.

Congrats on celebrating your anniversary well and for another day clean. Sincerely hope that your next post is positive too.

LetItGoAlready · « **Reply #144 on:** October 06, 2020, 10:04:40 AM »

What an achievement, Rookie. Congrats on surpassing 200 days!

Chris Oz · « **Reply #145 on:** October 09, 2020, 04:05:51 PM »

Wowz I'm happy for you rookie. You're doing king great. Happy anniversary!

Rookie · « **Reply #146 on:** October 11, 2020, 08:10:12 PM »

Day 208...Covid sucks, my region has escalated back to orange. Gyms are closed, hair salons and other lady pampering services. All for 25 new positive cases in a general population of 750 000...Masks are somewhat mandatory, if you don't wear one, you get looks from everyone.

Wife can't go to the gym due to the closure, and she only had exercise bands. I told her I'm working on getting somewhat of a home gym, looking at a bowflex with up to 410 lbs resistance (I bench almost 200lbs or more now...so won't be long I'll be needing more)

Her anxiety is through the roof due to her work expectations, and a recent review she got from her employees, whom rated her low (seriously hoping they don't count it due to Covid).

I have been asked to remove myself from the house church that was just sprouting...because now house churches...have a limit of 10. Well, the hosting couple, along with 2 families covers that.

All this, and to add, absolutely no relief this weekend with my wife. Her anxiety is so bad, and her back pain, she was actually upset "the only thing you look forward to every weekend is sex...must be nice that it's the only stress you have".

I will add, that the tone she said that in, was not a pleasant one.

So much more going on this week that doesn't add to stress relief, let alone sexual relief.

Today, we had lunch at her parents, great time, great dinner. Came home and binge watched "The Boys". Well written, but highly vulgar and not very pleasant for a very conservative person (myself).

Then, the covid crap, that I'm starting to think is all a stupid facade. Many small businesses had to close in the area, but low and behold, a local strip club posts that they are open. The outrage that this has caused, is about time.

I am NOT saying this virus isn't a bad one. I am saying it's not as bad as advertised. The WHO even puts the numbers as 0.013% death rate, verses the flu at 0.03%...

More and more people are rising up against the MSM and the local tyranny of the government. The control is really getting out of hand.

Either way, thanks for reading my venting. The streak does continue...can't say I wasn't tempted with the frustrations. But being just over 6 months in...no more blue balls, I can unfortunately now go a couple weeks without relief.

I miss the intimacy with my wife more than the relief at this point (when no intimacy happens for whatever reason).

Rookie · « **Reply #147 on:** October 13, 2020, 07:48:44 AM »

Quick update. Thanksgiving day yesterday. We went for a drive to a local town about 45 minutes away. There's a hike of about 2km...to the top of a "rock". The scenery was breathtaking.

We needed to get away. Got home, at supper, and low and behold, she looks at our dogs and says "time to watch the show, and cuddle with daddy"...

Much needed relief achieved.

Rookie · « **Reply #148 on:** October 20, 2020, 08:33:58 AM »

Day 216...finally, I can say it's getting easier. I can finally be home, alone, while my wife is working and I'm not "tempted" to go surfing. I have been home alone a few times now for the entire day...I read my bible, clean the house, nap...whatever. And I was finally not interested in watching or indulging in porn.

I can't believe it took 7.2 months (based on calendar days of 30)...If I would have known this back when I started my reboot, could I have done it, probably not without this pandemic scaring me into believing the end of the world was near.

That being said, claiming to be a Christian, and indulging in this sin, had made me such a hypocrite, I was judging certain preachers because of who they may have shared a stage with, and then turn around and indulge in PMO for self relief and fantasy..

I'm NOT going to pretend it's easy now...it's still a struggle. Just not a daily one.

And I'm still waiting for my morning wood to make an appearance. I don't even get semi's...

Chris Oz · « **Reply #149 on:** October 29, 2020, 07:04:50 AM »

You've made great improvements rookie. I'm proud of you. I connect with your last message about feeling like a hypocrite as a Christian. But we have to just accept that we are worthy of His grace and keep moving forward, always approaching with humility