Author Topic: New Start (Read 9512 times)

Rookie · « **Reply #50 on:** May 04, 2020, 08:52:05 AM »

Day 44...up way too early (7:30 am) for an evening shift. Since I work at 4 pm...I'm suspecting a nap will be warranted around 1 pm...wife finished her workout, and now she's downstairs working (one of the privileged ones that can work from home). I finished eating my 6 egg omelette, (with mushrooms, asparagus, 1/2 an onion and 2 huge slices of cooked ham). Yeah, takes a few minutes to digest, but then, pre-workout, and trying to do the 100 push up and 100 squat challenge...hopefully results.

Going to be cutting out almost all the sugar in my diet. Hopefully a few inches come off.

I was going to do the plank challenge, but after looking at the forms, the plank and push ups are almost the same, but push ups add chest, back, shoulders and arms...

Till the next post...

Rookie · « **Reply #51 on:** May 04, 2020, 11:24:35 AM »

Ok, so last update of the day. Hopefully going to have a nap for an hour. Temptations are running a big high, so if I go to dad's camp...I will fail my streak. I still have 2.5 hrs before work.

Update on the challenge...
Push ups - 3 sets of 20 from the floor (considering I started with a shoulder pain in the pec minor area, that's not bad) and I couldn't finish the last 40 from the floor. So, with my hands on my desk (about 2.5 feet from the floor, more like a decline bench), I easily hammered out the last 40 ( 2 sets of 20).

Squats, 5 sets of 20...first 3 sets were immediately after the push ups...then the requirement for oxygen and quick muscle recuperation made itself known. Last 2 sets were spaced out a bit more...but in the end...all 100 for each, was accomplished, if I would have been focused on it 100%, and timing myself, possibly in 30 minutes I would have finished...but took about 1 hr.

Day 1, done. Bonus, no PMO...no camp because I know myself too well, it will happen if I go there.

I'm wondering if I should take a before and after video...just to see if there are improvements...

mr.slurps · « **Reply #52 on:** May 04, 2020, 06:39:24 PM »

Hi Rookie, How are you? Sounds like you're kicking butt! Push-ups, sit-ups, squats, 6 egg omelets (haha) you are a beast!
My edging was making me feel like a dead dog laying by the side of the road. It's a recipe for disaster.
Finally I got honest w/ myself: "You're having so darn much trouble getting rid of porn on your computer b/c you're a pussy bull crap artist. If you had to accomplish that for $1,000 you would sure as hell figure it out!"
So, lo and behold, I blocked Chrome, where I got my porn and it is working (at least for now.)
Despite edging, I've not had an o, so in my counting I'm on day 60. My reboot will be delayed but I want to keep this streak going.
I got laid off yesterday b/c some one at work tested positive. Tested today and my results are due in 5.
Man, I've been feeling so crappy w/ edging that not having that temptation in front of me is a big relief.
Keep up the good work.

Rookie · « **Reply #53 on:** May 05, 2020, 01:06:39 PM »

Day 45...100 push ups and 100 squats accomplished. Chest is tired...legs, they're tired but getting warmed up...starting to get more and more energy.

Going to have to really limit my internet use and read hard copy books...getting triggered way too much. But no PMO...

mr.slurps · « **Reply #54 on:** May 05, 2020, 11:18:01 PM »

Hey Rook, Good job on 100 squats, that's not too shabby.
Instagram kicked my butt today. (edging)
How'd you get rid of it?
I got rid of Chrome b/c that was giving me access to p. Slowly I'm getting rid of all the crap.
This tech world we live in is definitely a 2 edged sword.
You sound great on paper. lol I hope your mind is as good as you sound here. (On paper I'm not to crappy but my mind is bad.)

Rookie · « **Reply #55 on:** May 06, 2020, 07:19:51 AM »

Quote from: mr.slurps on May 05, 2020, 11:18:01 PM

Hey Rook, Good job on 100 squats, that's not too shabby.
Instagram kicked my butt today. (edging)
How'd you get rid of it?
I got rid of Chrome b/c that was giving me access to p. Slowly I'm getting rid of all the crap.
This tech world we live in is definitely a 2 edged sword.
You sound great on paper. lol I hope your mind is as good as you sound here. (On paper I'm not to crappy but my mind is bad.)

Not even close...while I can't compare what goes on in my mind to any war that has happened in the past, I can say it's a war zone in my head, every...single...day.

***trigger alert***

My mind keeps wanting me to go back to some of my favorite sites, favorite actresses, favorite scenes...keeps telling me, one more time won't hurt. Your wife is too busy worrying about work, take care of business yourself...it won't take long...

I'll tell ya, it's a fight. And right now, I have beyond knee pain. I don't know if it's just over doing the squats, arthritis starting in my 40's. All I know, I'm not immune to this thing yet. Not even close!!

joepanic · « **Reply #56 on:** May 07, 2020, 08:38:56 AM »

Hey Rookie

Wasreading your journal going back to May 4th and the comment on cutting out the sugur. That was one of the 1st things I did back In Dec and I am sure it has had a huge impact on my health I went from drinking 3 sometimes 4 cans of Coke a cola a day to perhaps one every 3 or 4 weeks. Its pretty rare when I have one. MIght account for part of the 40 lbs I have lost in 4 months. As for thoughts of old websites and actresses scenes etc I found that this either goes away or begins to no longer have an effect on me as its now been 150 days since I have seen any of them. I'm sure I have forgotten some and others if I think of them for some reason they no longer "do anything" for me. So time does have a positive effect

Cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

Rookie · « **Reply #57 on:** May 08, 2020, 06:17:25 AM »

Day 48...been a few days since posting. Been busy with somethings and bored with others. Last few days were very tough. Today though, I think I have some renewed energy.

mr.slurps · « **Reply #58 on:** May 08, 2020, 07:51:56 PM »

Hi Rook, Good job on pushing through those tough days. I've had a streak of bad ones lately. I got good news on my Covid 19 test and a check from our govt. so it's been a good day.
I know there is a lot of discussion of how to count days for a reboot. Mine is unique- basically what I'm doing is counting the days from the inception of this quest (64 days.) But I've had relapses so I know the reboot process of not wanting pmo will probably take more like a year.

Rookie · « **Reply #59 on:** May 08, 2020, 11:18:16 PM »

I gave advice to someone to someone in a different age group that relapsed. I simply told him, with the streak I have doing on (almost 50 days), if I relapse, crash, fall, indulge, whatever word you see fits best, I will count 2 things. I will start my count over, and try to beat the previous record. But what I will also do, is count how many times I fall.

Example. I know a rough estimate consistently for the last 3 yrs, would be about once every day, with the odd exception. So let's give it 340 days of activity. Well, Jan to March, I was a daily user, most the time. So that's 90 days. Then if I fall once after that, I would be at 91...the streak starts, but the overall for the year, is already much lower.

If I could then make it to the rest of the year and only indulge say 5 more times (based on 50 day streaks) I would be at 95 times, vs the 240 of the previous year.

If that's not progress, we have to redefine that word. Then next year...hopefully 6 times or less. Then a person is seriously on his / her way to eliminating this useless sin / habit / whatever you want to call it.

Rookie · « **Reply #60 on:** May 09, 2020, 02:10:27 PM »

Day 50...while I won't say it's getting easier some days, I will say, the days it is easier, it's much easier. Yesterday, I cranked out 130 push ups total. All but 6 were modified, either from my knees or elevated on my desk. Still, the pump I get when I do them, and motivation...I figure by the end of the 30 days...they will all be from the floor.

Eventually, I want to progress to advanced calisthenics. If you never heard of those, I suggest looking them up. Since gyms are closed, my wife and I might just build something from home.

If I have time, and I'm not too tired, I'll post again later...

joepanic · « **Reply #61 on:** May 09, 2020, 07:48:22 PM »

Nice going Rookie I also know the feeling of having tough days vrs easy days and as times goes on they seem to be easy mnore often for me now they all seem to be easy

cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

Rookie · « **Reply #62 on:** May 11, 2020, 11:55:14 AM »

Day 52...not too bad. Starting to think of some projects to do around the house (if ever my wife could stop her stupid spending on clothes...how many outfits and shoes does a woman need!!!!?

?)

Looking at building a fire pit in the backyard...I can get the gravel cheap (dad has an excavating business) and he might also have access to bricks for cheap. It would be nice to have my in-laws over for a fire and relax from time to time.

Now, one of my issues, I have been working evenings 4 - 12 am for almost 1 full year. While I appreciate having the job, I NEVER thought my job would hinder my Christian fellowship as much as it has. I'm really starting to hope I get back to day shift.

There have been 2 hires since me that also do parts, but they are still on days, nearly 1 year later. There are a couple of things that could happen, if I went back on days. More time with my wife in the evenings, and more social life.

Anyway, all this to say, summer, with this stupid lock down finally coming to an end, seems to be having some promises.

mr.slurps · « **Reply #63 on:** May 11, 2020, 02:25:55 PM »

Hiya Rook, Good work on getting this far! I looked back on this journal and I have a good feeling. Though I can't articulate it I feel like you're in a better place in many areas. I hope this is true.

Rookie · « **Reply #64 on:** May 14, 2020, 06:28:30 AM »

Day 55...getting easier on some fronts (too much pride to break the streak) but getting much harder on other fronts. Sat down with my wife for a few minutes to rub her feet...she told me to go back to bed (I work till midnight, and am up with her at 7:30 am...that's a bit early. I can't remember how it went, but she's frustrated with working from home. And I told her I sometimes need a bit of affection too...(she's been beyond distant and cold). She replied that she's having a hard time working from home, and if I don't like it, one of us can move out.

This is not an easy situation. In one sense, this would have previously been the kind of frustration that would have sent me back to PMO...but with this streak going...I'm not interested in falling again. Going to keep going strong, and try to work on some projects around the house. Maybe, just maybe, those will be enough to encourage her enough to relax a bit (even if it doesn't bring intimacy right away), if I can even get her to relax and calm down, the rest might happen.

In short, huge frustrations, feeling of 0 worth in this marriage (even though I do all the groceries, pay the bills, clean the house, dishes, laundry, tend to the dogs, upkeep the vehicles best I can, and bring her coffees every night so she has one the next day).

Really praying this pre-menopause thing, and work thing gets resolved soon.

Joel · « **Reply #65 on:** May 14, 2020, 09:12:38 AM »

Hey Rookie, Just read most of your journal. Well done on the streak and exercise progress. It sounds really challenging, you're doing well on focusing on your self-development.

mr.slurps · « **Reply #66 on:** May 14, 2020, 05:43:36 PM »

Hiya Rook, I'm still maintaining a strict policy here of don't go into the wife situations. That seems to be what you have on your mind.
So, I'm just letting you know I'm keeping my eye on you (in a good sense.)

joepanic · « **Reply #67 on:** May 14, 2020, 07:38:17 PM »

Hey Rookie as tough as your situation is the most important thing for you is to rewire your brain to keep from porn till you no longer have an interest in it. Than perhaps you can work on your marraige. In the meantime the other things you do (projects around the house) will if anything help you grow and feel better about yourself 55 days is a great feat your more than half way past the reccommended minimum time needed. Keep pushing forward till your brain is clear than you can make better decisions regarding the future of your marraige

Cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

Rookie · « **Reply #68 on:** May 15, 2020, 07:44:58 AM »

Day 56, yep, yesterday was tough, today, I have no idea what is waiting for me yet.

After a few hours yesterday, my wife actually gave me a halfway apology for not being able to meet me emotionally. It felt somewhat good to at least have that acknowledgement from her.

Then a bit later, she had to go in town for something. I asked her where she was going, and told me, she also said she was going to get another coffee. So I told her there was one on the counter. She then said to the dogs "Mommy feels bad, dad is treating her so good, and she's being a bitch all the time"...well, at least she knows, lol.

This is in NO WAY saying my wife isn't a great woman, and one worth loving. She's going through some crap right now, and the timing, is just really bad. If this would have been last year...fine, no sex...fap away.

Now it's no sex, and no fap. That has to be the reason I'm going through this so difficultly. I told my wife many times, she's very easy to love, just really hard to live with.

Either way, still not interested in breaking the streak, today, I have too many things on my plate to pause and fall again.

Thanks to all who are replying, you have NO IDEA how motivating this is right now. I will be posting on some of your journals when I can get my head back on straight, and not keep thinking about sex with my wife, the temptation to look at P and just actually focus on life and Christ.

I have to say, the demons are throwing everything they have at me right now, that I'm useless in this marriage, debts are pilling up, wife wants to shop....I'm getting battered pretty hard right now.

joepanic · « **Reply #69 on:** May 15, 2020, 08:14:17 AM »

Hey Rookie

56 days now awesome your closing in on 2 months. Like I said before make this time about your recovery perhaps with a bit of luck when you hit 3 months or more a couple of different scenerios could come fourth 1 is your wife might have been able to work through some of her issues or 2 you might be way better prepared to put up with her issues and be able to help her There is of course no guarentees but at some point your brain will be thinking clear enough to say to yourself that you are not useless in your marraige. I certainly handle my wifes issues alot better now than I was before. Its actually becoming a sink or swim issue for her as I dont let her control issues bother me as much as before because I know I have other pleasures in life now and she knows it and has to give in sometimes. Only time will tell of course I can only speak from my own experience how my outlook has changed with a clear head When she apologizes accept it whole heartedly for now and try to build on it If she compliments her compliment her back with a hug and remind her why your together No pressure tactics

hmmmm how is it I'm now giving relationship advice am I qualified? I hope so

cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

mr.slurps · « **Reply #70 on:** May 15, 2020, 07:02:16 PM »

Hiya Rook, Sounds like you're hanging tough pal.
I have a confession to make. What follows is something I know nothing about (I'm not a Christian.) It seems important to you and I've been reading about it. Have no fear, I will never convert.
But I do find some of the Christian rituals really powerful. (I know nothing re Scripture.)
Bottom line Pal, That Christian "stuff" seems to be an emotional support for you, so I say delve deep into your rituals/symbolism to find spiritual relief/help.
P.S. Sorry if I over-stepped. I figured, if nothing else, at least I'd get you out of your head for a moment. (in a good way)

Rookie · « **Reply #71 on:** May 15, 2020, 10:51:32 PM »

Quote from: mr.slurps on May 15, 2020, 07:02:16 PM

Hiya Rook, Sounds like you're hanging tough pal.
I have a confession to make. What follows is something I know nothing about (I'm not a Christian.) It seems important to you and I've been reading about it. Have no fear, I will never convert.
But I do find some of the Christian rituals really powerful. (I know nothing re Scripture.)
Bottom line Pal, That Christian "stuff" seems to be an emotional support for you, so I say delve deep into your rituals/symbolism to find spiritual relief/help.
P.S. Sorry if I over-stepped. I figured, if nothing else, at least I'd get you out of your head for a moment. (in a good way)

You will never over step if you tell me to dive deeper into my own faith.

Rookie · « **Reply #72 on:** May 16, 2020, 06:15:18 AM »

Day 57, lots on the calendar today.

Yesterday was a fight, and resentment towards my wife. I keep being very selfish and resenting her for having no emotional connection with me at all. I must remember, just because I have an addiction towards sexual relief (pretty much on demand), that doesn't mean she has to submit to me anytime I want.

Today, working a morning shift, then possibly start working on building a fire pit in the back yard (if I can get the materials for almost free). Then hopefully, we both go to the camp this evening and just relax, dogs or no dogs.

And I must take my focus on anything sexual. It's been a stretch since our last session of intimacy, but that doesn't mean my life is over. It finally means I can focus on important things in life and not dwell on "why aren't we having sex"...

The great struggle of an addict, always focusing on the next fix...I guess I could compare it to a drug addiction (which I never had). Those of us that never tried drugs, will never understand why they are always focused on getting the next hit....praying someday I will be liberated from this focus when it comes to PMO...

Joel · « **Reply #73 on:** May 16, 2020, 11:29:22 AM »

We're rooting for you Rook. I'm reading the David Goggins book. It seems when we finally set out to achieve something, the path isn't strewn with roses and our running shoes fall apart, and the guard at the door determines to be bigger and more challenging than it ever was. I have a feeling it's going to be awesome on the other side of this.

Rookie · « **Reply #74 on:** May 17, 2020, 01:39:25 PM »

Day 58...wife and I watched an old zombie movie last night, acting - terrible, plot - even worse, special effects - blatantly obvious...however, she enjoys that type of movie. Me, not so much. So, when she went to bed, I knew nothing would happen last night, I just gave her a slight hug, and encouraged her to wake me up in the morning...

Well, nothing, frustrations, very high. Been about 3 weeks since our last session. And a fairly aggressive case of blue nuts last night. So, a little later in the morning, I said let's go for a drive, and bring the dogs...we went to see my brother's lot, there's lots of sandstone there. Free stuff for my fire pit. Then stopped in at my parents for a few minutes to let the dogs run. Huge yard...get permission from my brother for sand stone, and dad can "donate" a bit of tailings.

***********trigger alert************

Get home, frustrations very high on the sexual release / relief side. I decide, since I can't start any outside projects, since she works from home and is starting at 5 pm...the dogs will bark, I call it a day and take a shower (roughly 2:30 pm). I get out of the shower, half mast, and her, from the couch, her eyes obviously focused where I was hoping...smiles and asks "what are you doing now?". To which I replied, sheepishly, "hoping"....she looks at the time on her phone, and says "ok".

When we were done, I asked (we sometimes are curious on performance, I doubt I'm the only one) scale of 1 - 10....without hesitation, "that, was an 11".

Frustrations, gone. We both admitted, we needed it.

What I find interesting now as the streak continues...I'm not fighting against the MO now...those are halfway easy. I don't want to break those streaks. It's fighting against the urge to look at P...that's the biggest fight, every, single, day...