New Start

[Rookie]

Day 35, today was rough. Wayyyy too much temptation. Till about 11 am, everything I was doing, I was going around almost half mast...not comfortable at all. If my streak was below a week, I would have crashed today. Wife still not feeling great emotionally / hormonally. This could be a long haul, compared to the routine I was used to before 2020...or possibly, it's I didn't care if we were intimate or not, cause I always had an outlet.

Now I'm working hard on even reducing looking at women, my mind races...

While I'm not looking at porn (video or still images) I also have to stop looking up people on FB...then it's the rabbit trail of looking at their pictures...

In summary, today was tough. No doubt the toughest day yet. Tomorrow, wife and I both have the day off. She wants to go to the beach, I hate the beach. I suppose I would love it if it wasn't for the salt water, jelly fish, sand, wind, open sun, sand in the toes and salt water crotch rashes...oh, and too cold right now, but nearly naked women, in this reboot, not a wise thing. But since she doesn't know about my addiction, and reboot...I can't say no.

Hopefully, she'll just want to go to my parents camp for a few hours.

[Rookie]

Day 37...didn't post anything yesterday. Too much going on. Between groceries, coming home, cleaning the house, checking what bills to be paid. Nap... (love Saturdays off), then my wife wanted to go for a drive about 60 km away...I thought, hmm, could be interesting, she doesn't want to bring the dogs. So it would just be us. Great drive, walked on the "sort of beach" in the area. She took pictures of our footprints...then looped back around the long way. Saw a beautiful sunset.

Nothing intimate happened. However, she did hold on my arm more than usual while walking. The way she's been feeling lately, I'll take it!!

When we got home last evening, from our drive out (end of day 26) I have to admit, there was an episode of blue balls happening (mild one, compared to 2 weeks ago) but the bonus, I didn't cave. Tempted on searching out partly nude women, but knowing that it won't stop there, I only saw a few FB profiles that were quite revealing. Long story short, no further attempt.

Finally today, her period started...sort of. She's been saying it's coming for 2 weeks, which might explain her tension and mood. Married for all these years to the same woman, and I have yet to understand any consistency or coherence. We did a full clean of the house, then she wanted to go in town to get a few things (women things), so I couldn't argue.

Got home, and read my bible, total 16 chapters as of this post (4:34 pm) and I might get a few more in.

Starting tomorrow, might go towards work a bit early, and stack some wood my dad has split, faster drying for their firewood, something to do for me, while listening to gospel hymns in my head phones...and, a relatively easy way to start getting back in shape.

I think, unless I wish to post something else, I have another day in the books. Just really praying my wife either fully transitions to full menopause soon, or that she stops using her period as an excuse to lose her temper. Starting to get tiring.

[Rookie]

Day 38...had my coffee, read my bible...had to go out and get my wife's coffee, never got a chance to get it yesterday (I always bring one home everyday so she has it the next day).

Ate my 6 egg/ham/asparagus/mushroom/onion omelette...now, getting ready to go to work to get some used empty pallets so I can stack dad's wood...he has about 6 - 10 cords split, drying off. I need the exercise, and this will be a great way to get away from any digital temptation, plus. Mom always has some sort of meal I can eat before going to work.

Temptation to surf P, a bit this morning, but my wife being home, not a fan of being surprised, so that killed it. Now I'm home alone for about 1 hr...too many things to take care of. I'm suspecting today will be a success,

However I might have a chance to post again later today. Either way, 40 days is within reach. I NEVER thought I would reach a milestone like this. Not interested in falling from here, the cliff is getting higher and higher...

I have to admit, all the credit goes to Christ...

[Rookie]

Day 39, typical start, reading, and relaxing. Wife is beyond stressed from work, and every time I come around her, she avoids me like I have leprosy or something. I can't blame her, with the lack of intimacy, when she does hug me, I think there's more coming...and she's obviously not in a mood to carry it out.

After she left for work, this was the hardest day yet...by far! If I follow through, with the PMO, the shame, guilt and starting this streak all over again, it's going to be very discouraging.

In summary, today, was a very, very tough day. I can't wait for better weather so I can go stack wood at dad's place instead of wallowing in my thoughts.

Imagination on what I watched before this reboot are coming with a vengeance. The lack of intimacy at home are definitely not helping. And the mood my wife is in lately, with wanting nothing to do with anything (hormones + work stress = negative libido).

I picked up some supplements for her today, to help with her adrenal glands...hopefully that will help, not necessarily calm her down, but help her deal with the stress and everything a bit better. For now, I have to deal with my own issues separately and not involve her, or blame her for them.

If this was pre 1990 (when I grew up), it would simply have been "hon, I'm going out with the boys, badminton, billiards, gym, baseball whatever"...but now, we have the internet and everything is so easy and at our disposal...must find other projects OUTSIDE the house.

I'm scheduling an appointment with a Christian counselor for advice. How to deal with this addiction, how to deal with a hormonal wife and with the lack of support I have home. I deal with all the finances, groceries, vehicle maintenance, weekly garbage, laundry, clean the house and even cook my own meals. I know I'm forgetting things. But I do all of this, and when she doesn't get her way, I'm still the bad guy.

Just lots going on, that would usually be a trigger, I am admitting, I really need encouragement from somewhere. I have none at home, finances are tight (blames me for controlling the money, but if I didn't, we would have filed bankruptcy many times). Need some encouragement from somewhere, hopefully the counselor will have some positive advice.

[Rookie]

Anyone else reading this or am I self-reading, lol?

[jixu]

A lot of people come and go in this forum, especially, it sometimes appears, in our age group. For this reason I find your example of commitment and perseverance to be a great encouragement, as I'm sure as do others as well.  Check out the great promise of hope at Lamentations 3:22-23; it is a good daily reminder.  Keep going!   

[joepanic]

Hey Rookie

   Yup  I read yours everyday    I havent posted in a few days really  due to being quite busy  and really learning about a few other life improvements    Glad to see your holding strong.   I'm now at the point where p doesnt even really enter my mind unless I come here.  So I am becoming a little sporadic in popping by   But I guess thats a good thing for me anyway

   cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

[Rookie]

Day 40...rough afternoon of some temptation. But had a great session with a Christian counselor. Brought up the P addiction (since she's bound by the confidentiality act) and she agreed that many men struggle with this, whether they are open to admit it or not. She recommended discussing it with other Christian brothers that know the struggle so as to keep ourselves accountable, as well as keep posting on this "blog".

My wife told me today, that she had an absolute emotional breakdown at work (she's a team manager, and reports to a general manager). She has about 15 people that report to her, and there are about 60 TM's...all reporting to about 6 GM's...(contact center life). Anyway, she showed me a picture on her phone of what her monitor screen looks like all night, and there were about 8 Skype messages all at the same time...and she's not sure the correct answer, plus she's supposed to keep up with 6 GM chats besides all that. All the while taking calls from her staff about other things. The stress level is high. But the conversation was ok.

Then just before she left for work, and I left for a plasma donation, she got a call from another TM that she gets along with (I like that TM as well, we have all been out a couple of times, she's very supportive). My wife confessed that she's afraid of losing her job, to which the co-worker said no one is losing their job, times are hectic and everyone is feeling the stress and no one can keep up. The GM's are just keeping the straight face.

That gave us a bit of assurance, since that TM has been there from the start, and knows my wife's strengths.

Now over to me, session with the counselor, great conversation. Talked about the crap going on around the world, and the anxiety it gave me (found a bunch of crap about human trafficking and images I will no doubt never erase from memory...I will NOT mention what the video was here, if you want to find it, do your own search, I will just mention that there's much, much more going to happen than the world realizes. And it's coordinated between the navy seals, FBI, CIA and authorities from around the globe).

At the end of the session, she said that the solutions for all this are the same ones I've already implemented, limit my internet usage.

Get to work, and it's the same typical thing. Trucks to fix, parts to get, and RO's to write and modify. The only thing I'm hoping, is when my finances can straighten out, I'm really hoping to get a day shift position here. I've been on evenings since May last year, and I thought as soon as someone else was trained (there's been 2 so far) I was going to go on days...nope, didn't happen.

Tomorrow, stacking wood at mom and dad's...really need to decompress and spend time alone. In the woods...

All this to say, day 40, a success. Now just hoping my wife's monthly friend can leave, Friday she's working from home, and hopefully less stress.

[Rookie]

Day 41...well, temptations are getting ridiculous now. I knew it would hit eventually. Didn't know when. But right now, it's like they are hitting with a vengeance. Not much to report aside leaving the house as soon as my wife leaves for work, in about 30 minutes. I'm NOT taking a chance and staying home. I was planning on doing a workout downstairs...however, I doubt very, very much that I will MO, but I have no doubt that I will linger for either soft P, or images, or possible GIF's of hardcore P...not chancing it. I have wood to stack at my parents, or possibly use this "bubble" family thing and see my in-laws. Nothing will drop sexual urges like visiting your mother in law...lol

I get along fantastic with them, but the topics my father in law start on...are usually political, Christian, or anything very, very far removed from sex. How awkward would it be, "hey son in law...when was the last time you were intimate with my daughter...", yeah, no, not going to happen. "Hey father in law, my mother in law looks deprived, you giving her any attention"?

Disclaimer - the above mention, is purely for entertainment purposes on how out of place all companies involved would feel should such a topic surface...lol

[mr.slurps]

Hi Rookie,  Brief background: age 60, addict since Playboy, other problems, 2 failed marriages, day 56 no o but edged yesterday, somewhat religious...)
Obviously I'm not the guy to talk re marriage/relationships so I'll leave that to others.
Re religion, whatever name you're using for god, prayer (more like begging) is what I turned to on a hike when I felt I'd hit rock bottom.  On some level I feel like I've been "answered" b/c I found this reboot/fap stuff and things have taken a turn for the better.
A big goal is having an intimate relationship. My addiction has definitely contributed to my failures. It's made me ashamed and hard to live with.  As someone on here has pointed out to me, I also have good points that I don't account for.(UK)
It seems as far as your journey, we've little in common except the mind boggling frustration of relapses.
Suffice it to say I'm pulling for you.

[mr.slurps]

Hey Rookie,  I read one of your posts talking re stacking 10 cords of firewood. That and shoveling horse manure are for me the best therapy going- and free.
Man the way you described the beach it sounds like Dante's Inferno. I'd stay away too if I felt that way.  (For me it's paradisio.) So I do feel equipped to give you some advice outside the boundaries of marriage.
If you use your imagination you will find many pleasurable activities at the beach.

[Rookie]

I have not been a fan of beaches since I was a kid. I'm 198 cm tall, or 6'4" (metric or imperial). And I love to swim...so usually I end up half way to the closest island before I find water deep enough, then there's the stupid sand bars...getting deep, getting deep, then the ocean screams "just kidding, here's a sand bar"....then deeper again...another stupid sand bar. Then you turn around to see where your friends are on the sand...yep, 1/4 mile away...1/2 mile away...nah. Pool...one step, over your head and swim...lol

As far a shoveling manure...yep, as non glorious as it is...it is very relaxing. Dad had a couple of horses years ago. Didn't mind cleaning them up one bit. They were great listeners, their timing for laughing was impeccable whenever you had a stupid joke or story...just had to push them around a bit to really clean around and under them.

The weather is getting much better here, so stacking wood, for 30 - 60 minutes a day. Since I do it before going to work, not interested in doing it for 8 hrs at a time. But an hour a day...before I know it, it's done. And my parents don't know about it yet. It's a distance in the back of their land. So I just have to sneak by the house and shop without being noticed...

As far as relapses...so far so good. And yes, I'm a Christian. If you know your different branches, I'm Baptist, Calvinist, Covenant Theology and even deeper, I lean in the Supralapsarianism side of things. Don't get me confused with Hyper Calvinism...that's a sad beast all together alone. I do not associate with that.

True "Calvinists" are always begging God, and see what we are before him, and pretty much cry at the thought of the cross and what it accomplished.

[mr.slurps]

Hi Rookie,  Good job so far on not slipping today. I worked so had no chance. As far as religion, I have no clue what any of those you mentioned believe, (I'm Jewish.)  For us Jesus was a prophet but not in the realm of god.  Prayer is good for my soul whatever that is.
Anyhow, I used to cut my own firewood on my own property and burn it in my wood stove all winter as my sole source of heat. It was just a challenge I made for myself. In retrospect it was much easier than giving up porn. It may be a daily struggle for a long long time for me.

[Rookie]

What I find sad, and amazing at the same time is the age groups that are affected. Before I found these resources, YBOP and here, I thought the 40+ group was small and that I was one of the only ones affected. Then I get here and there are many that are in their 50's and 60's. Even some in their 70's....unbelievable how this affects so many people.

And as far as my faith goes...yeah, to people that have never opened a bible, or studied much in the realm of deep theology, those can be big terms. The most common in North America, is Arminian (in contrast to Calvinism) and Dispensationalism (in contrast to Covenant Theology). I'm in the smaller camp...but if we go 100 years ago and before....most were in my camp. Then easy believism began, and we have what we have now...

[mr.slurps]

Hey Pal,   You've seen guys my age and older!?  I thought I was one of the very few affected by porn at my age. That is both comforting and an eye-opener as to how deep this trash can get in your head.  For me it's very deep.  Maybe our age is more immune to the kinky stuff b/c we find it weird or grotesque. (I know that is judgmental.) Also, I bet we don't have the issue of getting it up.
So I have some consolations.
As far as your religion, I don't mind learning something new. But, I hope it wont hurt your feelings--I don't care. You remind me of an experience I had in a rough neighborhood in Belfast, Ireland during the "troubles".  Some guys jacked me up and demanded to know if I was Catholic or Protestant. I told them I am Jewish. They then demanded to know if I was a Catholic or a Protestant Jew. lol I had to explain to them that I'm neither, and further, we've been around longer, and further you guys copied most of our stuff, and further the name you use for god is wrong, further you are reading the Torah (Bible) in the wrong language... (Just kidding, I didn't go that deep into it. hahaha)
It does seem to me we do have in common that we're pretty physical guys. Right?
For me that's a mixed blessing. Jerking off became a sort of physical escape, especially if the weather was crap or I was injured, or my wife "had her friend" as you put it. At the time I was orthodox so there was a serious hands off policy.

[Rookie]

Well, on my personal side, I can only thank God (or YHWH), for his grace on not letting me escalate more than vanilla. And to be honest, vintage stuff from the 1970's was what I gravitated towards.

While P is still trash,  no matter what angle you look at it (Baptist, Catholic, Protestant, Pentecostal, Jewish....and the list goes on) I don't know of any faith system that truly approves of it. I suppose the south end of  those faiths would be the only one to approve it. But I hear it's hot down there.

As far as dialogue between your Jewish faith and my Christian faith, yep, lots in common, right up till Christ's birth. But to my knowledge, the Torah is the same, as well as the prophets, history and poetic books of the bible.

In the new testament, in my view, Christ never annulled the old, but he was what is was talking about the entire time, and he was the fulfillment of it. As Paul wrote in Galatians, "there is neither Greek nor Jew", essentially saying that we are all equal under God.

I know 1 person that reads Greek locally, and I have a few favorite preachers that read Greek and Hebrew.

The one thing that I would like to learn much more on, is the Jewish traditions, as well as historical backgrounds and cultural backgrounds of most of those places discussed in the old and new testament. I have a friend that lives is another part of my country, and she told me that we North Americans have no idea about the middle east culture and context.

And as far as when would I indulge? Stress, anger, frustration, rejected by the Mrs...watching a movie and find an actress attractive and curiosity would get the best of me, bored (lots of this one) and just the straight out, looking forward to edging and trying to find some old vintage.

I'm really praying that this is all behind me. I hate it so much, but it's weird. As some preachers I listen to, you love it, due to the instant gratification you get, but then you hate it right away and you feel ashamed...which is where I am.

[Rookie]

Day 41...made the mistake of watching a movie last night, and there was a couple of scenes...didn't indulge and the needle didn't even move. I think that's a bonus. I couldn't keep watching, I just shut it off. I can't even remember the name of it, so I guess I wasn't paying attention too much.

I'm going to keep this count going as if this would have been before my efforts to quit, I would have indulged for sure. But since I cut it off, I count it as a victory.

This morning, my wife actually let me sleep in her bed with her for about an hr (we sleep in separate rooms, I snore and she has insomnia, if we slept in the same bed, neither of us would get some sleep and I would probably not be alive to type on this board...)

Nothing happened, which I will admit, was frustrating. But, she did elude to a possibility in the next couple of days.

Did a bit more research on this stuff, and there are some guys that go without PMO (single men) for years. I'm amazed at that. But I suppose, if you take all necessary steps to avoid it, after a while, if you're lucky, you get rid of the addiction, like when we were kids (my addiction only started when I was 26). Before that, I could go weeks to months.

And like a preacher once said, not easy to MO without the P...cut out the P, and most of your battle is done.

[Rookie]

So, tonight, did a search for something on Twitter (don't ask, I don't remember and it might be a trigger for someone). And low and behold...P...well, Twitter, good bye, you are the weakest link...

I also had a Tumblr...well sir, same thing...see ya!!

All I have now are Facebook (share it with my wife) and Instagram...so I can give my wife compliments on her workouts...but that's it. No more social media besides that.

[joepanic]

Nice going on 41 days Rookie

       I must admit I have never used twitter or tumbler or instagram  or snapchat   I'm not even sure I would know how.  I think if I had instagram It would be cool to be able to compliment her that way.  Mind you she gets the compliments from me in person all the time   evn with at 46 with a few extra lbs   I still compliment her as if she is 26.  It usually makes her day   I do have a facebook account  and admit I had done a little lurking over the years  but   havent bothered  since rebooting

    Nice going on hitting a trigger in the movie you watched and dealing with it responsibly by just walking away   perhaps in time  you may be able to handle it  and it no longer is a trigger   I have seen scenes in movies recently  and have been able to get through   mind you I usually only watch movies with my wife together  as its somethin we have always done   or while i'm on the exercise bike   and I am highly motivated to keep going and the scene passes by   so for me that is good progress as I am learning to live with what is out there

     hopping in the sack with your wife in the morning   no matter how you look at it is a good thing.  Many morning I wake up hard rock   but we dont do it   its just nice to lay there close  under warm blankets  with the sun coming through the window

     Cheers to your progress

   Post often it helps me it helps you

[mr.slurps]

Hey Guys,   I'm glad you're doing well, wish I could say the same for me.  I'm almost off the rails edging to chrbate.  If some one could teach a clueless dummy how to remove all access to porn I'd be much obliged.
I'm kind of feeling sorry for myself and feeling like a pussy at the same time. Maybe it's the same thing. 
Sorry for putting you through my pity party.  Hopefully I'll have plenty of positive upbeat stuff to come.
And, yes, it definitely helps to read your posts.

[Rookie]

Day 42. Deleted Instagram from my phone...very, very rarely use it. It's not worth going on it, and hitting the search button and nothing but temptation. Looks like it's just Facebook..

Mr.slurps, are you using a PC, a Mac, Iphone, Android...what is your go to? I'm sure we have a few people on this board that can walk you through. Now, here's another part, if you are on a phone...delete any app that have access to P...Instagram, I discovered before this reboot, has some, you just have to get creative...so did Twitter and many, many other social media platforms.

So, to start, unless it's for business, or keeping in touch with family/friends and you can control it. Lose it. That's what I did. The fight is hard enough without those things at your disposal.

[Rookie]

Day 43, wife surprised me by joining me in bed...yes, yes it was a pleasant surprise that lead to a serious relief. Now I have renewed energy against the temptation, and so far, no chaser effect.

Hoping this will be the beginning to a new normal.

If I have any updates, I will post again, still early.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Rookie,

I can imagine that is is indeed a most welcome and very pleasant surprise that the wife joined you in bed!

Losing the social media accounts can only be a positive thing I imagine, i've done the same and somehow you quite immediately notice that you are actually not missing anything and that you've a lot of time to spare because you are not mindlessly scrolling on them anymore.

What is your take on this? Was it hard for you to remove the social media apps/accounts?

Good luck man!

[Rookie]

Hey Rookie,

I can imagine that is is indeed a most welcome and very pleasant surprise that the wife joined you in bed!

Losing the social media accounts can only be a positive thing I imagine, i've done the same and somehow you quite immediately notice that you are actually not missing anything and that you've a lot of time to spare because you are not mindlessly scrolling on them anymore.

What is your take on this? Was it hard for you to remove the social media apps/accounts?

Good luck man!

*****************Trigger Alert in the next paragraph**********************


Losing the social media apps? Hard? Not even close when you know what you are fighting. Especially when I was barely using them anyway. I Tweeted from time to time and rarely went digging for P...Tumblr, I purely had so I could follow still images and GIF's of P, and Instagram, I only had it so I could follow my wife. I never posted anything on it, my wife would post for me when she took my phone. But all of these, while they have strict guidelines against P...that can be worked around if you "spell" certain searches wrong, or off by 1 letter. Rather just not have it. That's  why  even installing filters on your phone or PC rarely helps. If your desperate enough to indulge, you'll find a way. Heck, youtube has crap on there if you have enough imagination...

But FB, I have much more control there since my wife and I share the account. I can't go searching stupid stuff (not necessarily P related) because my wife is fairly tech savvy so she would notice something is off.

[Rookie]

Ok, so Instagram, can't remember my password anyway, that's gone. Twitter, deleted from phone, but kept my login...there are a few things I follow and if it comes to the point I can't control it from home, I'll delete that too.

Tumblr...well crap, I was in a rush for something, hit tu in the browser and enter (since it finishes the search for you in Chrome) and voila...the dashboard was there. Settings, delete account permantently.

Temptation today, 10 out of 10....slight visual of P...but not even tempted to MO....kept the pants on (literally and figuratively).

Looking forward to day 44. Since the only place I would have been tempted to view some P would have been through the apps...with them gone and not even a log in anymore, that should be that much stronger...if it wasn't that I sometimes have to transfer funds from one account to another from my phone...I would be going back to a flip. There are certain things I absolutely need my smartphone for. Not many, and not too often, but when I do...there's no negotiation... sadly.