Author Topic: New Start  (Read 9514 times)

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New Start
« on: April 04, 2020, 07:42:06 PM »
Greetings,

This is the first time in about a year that I post here. I fell off the band wagon, hard...thankfully, it remained vanilla and digital. That being said, I was telling my self, I wasn't going to post here till it was at least 1 day more than my previous streak (9 days). Well, finally accomplished 15 days today. And I wasn't that tempted today, however, wife was in the mood...longest orgasm in years...even she noticed...

What has contributed to my streak? Being a Christian, and the events with Covid 19 going around, and being somewhat of a conspiracy theorist...scared be, gave me huge anxiety. And it doesn't help that I watched a couple of youtube videos made by Qanon...I saw disturbing images that I will never be able to erase from memory.

Thankfully, no humans were hurt, just very, very sick art.

All that to say, I'm not preaching to anyone here, but as far as I'm concerned, God definitely used these events to tell me "ok, you have indulged long enough...time to come back". I keep praying every day that he doesn't let me PMO again...so far, 15 days, longest streak in years, and really, not that tempted....yet.

jixu

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Re: New Start
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2020, 07:18:17 PM »
Glad to hear of your journey and return back here.  I think the virus has caused us to reflect on what is important in life and where we can find sources of hope.  I think you are right by viewing the Divine Providence point of view!  Take care and keep going!   

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Re: New Start
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2020, 10:01:59 AM »
Still going strong. A few temptations of looking up a couple of actresses from movies my wife and I recently watched while at home, but then I thought, if I go look them up online, I won't stop there. So I killed that temptation.

18 days in, and still going. Praying this streak won't end without at least a big, big fight.

joepanic

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Re: New Start
« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2020, 07:49:12 AM »
Hey Rookie

    18 days nice streak indeed   How are you doing today  is it the magic 3 weeks now?  That was a tool i uesed regularily   small victories where I could see the next one up close   if I make 3 weeks than its only 1 more week to a month or about a third of the way to the finish line in step one of kicking the addiction.  I always kept a   new victory close by   something that was rwalistic and easy to reach  and quite often I celebrated it  someone  A meal out or something,  Splurged a little i guess.  That also played in with my other goals of improving my health and finances.  We stopped the extra  spending  on meals out to save some and ate really healthy at home   so any trip out was a def treat

   Cheers

  Post often it helps me it helps you

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Re: New Start
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2020, 07:53:52 AM »
22 days today. That part is great. But I'm dealing with a wife at home that has all but withdrawn almost all affection. No hugs, kisses, nothing. And if I bring anything up remotely for even sitting close on the couch, she uses anxiety as an issue. But she keeps watching ghost stories and investigations. Then she'll claim she's too tired, but will do a 1 hr workout in the basement.

That is the toughest part. I completely feel alone in this battle as far as marriage goes, and I can't tell her about the addiction. Mind you, with the lack of sex in our marriage lately, I'm sure she's not ignorant.

The only thing I keep clinging to, is the cross of Christ...I've been on my knees praying much more as well as reading much, much more. That has kept me focused.

joepanic

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Re: New Start
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2020, 08:32:30 AM »
Hey Rookie 

    Nice on hitting  day 22   3 weeks now   At this point as tough as it might seem  with the situation with your wife   Keep pushing forward and heal yourself   Once that is completed you can than work on your marraige with a clear head.  I am assuming  your wife does not know about your addiction.  If you wish to fight it without ever telling her you will have my support as I belive a man should have the right to  fight his own battles.  If you choose to tell her you will also have my support   Its something I believe should be your decision based on your reasons   Come here every day weather you relapse or have another day of victory  and let us support you

  cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you

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Re: New Start
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2020, 11:30:09 AM »
23 days today. Home alone, which before would have been a huge trigger. Today, not so much. Probably going to watch a couple of movies on the Resurrection, read my bible, take a nap, and focus on Christ, whom is risen.

This streak is too long to break. So I'm not even watching movies alone, that may have even a slight bit of nudity in it. Cartoons, unfortunately were a thing for me. Not the Japan stuff, but Disney characters...so not a fan of watching any of it. The women in those cartoons now are beyond seductive.

So today, a bit of a keyboard warrior, walk the dogs, and Resurrection focus.

Happy Resurrection day board members.

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Re: New Start
« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2020, 08:10:24 AM »
Start to the 24th day. Last night was a great evening from the perspective that there was very little temptation, and what there was, I had the grace of God to fight off. The hurting point, my wife and I watched a movie and her anxiety wouldn't even let her sit next to me on the couch.

After she went to bed, I went on FB, youtube, and listen to a few hymns.

Today I have to go in town to get a few things, and fuel up her car. Then when I get back, I have to eat breakfast (usually around 1 - 2pm) and cook my supper for the night at work. I work 4pm - midnight everyday. So there's a good chance nothing happens today.

joepanic

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Re: New Start
« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2020, 08:45:49 AM »
Hey Rookie

    nice going on day 24  finish today and your only 4 days to a month clean   no small feat for sure    push hard  get your 90 days in and see how you feel if your ready to  work on other things   I really felt different around the 60 day mark   and now at over 120 days   I feel like a new man  and look at the world  and my relationship with my wife a little differently.

   cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

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Re: New Start
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2020, 10:45:06 PM »
12:40 am, just got home from work, and too tired to stay up. With this streak going, tonight, just going to pray before bed, and play a couple of puzzle games.  Tomorrow is another day that's somewhat packed, we shall see what it holds.

24 days, and 4 days short of a month? How are those calculations made? 4 weeks X 7 days? I was going with calendar days for the month...30 days is 1 month...at least I thought that's how it worked.

Another notice, the other day, I was at Costco, and in the line in front of me during this stupid virus thing, was a woman, in some spandex/LuLulemon pants, for about 20 minutes, right in front of me. I have to admit, she didn't leave much to the imagination. But the best part, I wasn't tempted to look that much. Yes there were a few times that I did glance...but overall, I was enjoying the view all around and wasn't obsessed with looking at the bread buns in front of me...that alone is a change.

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Re: New Start
« Reply #10 on: April 14, 2020, 09:22:41 AM »
Ok, so, wife got up (we sleep in separate bedrooms, I snore, she has insomnia, great combination   :-\ ).
So, I put a cartoon on Netflix (Over the Hedge). Not a fan of most movies, anything with good looking women and breasts...will be a trigger for me. I want to stop that before it starts.

Movie wasn't over, she went to the basement (to clean and workout) which I have no issue with, but my temptations are getting stronger. If I could get relief with her, that would be fantastic, but her anxiety is so bad, I don't want to make it worse. And, if we start with any kind of affection, that doesn't lead to a finish, I will suffer badly with blue balls. I had that about a week and a half into this streak...I had to put ice packs between my legs to ease the discomfort/pain. And it took a couple of hours of complete discomfort.
And I also remember, the last time I relieved myself from blue balls, the pain didn't go away immediately, it still took about 45 minutes. So, suffering through a couple of hours to keep the streak going, totally worth it.

So, while I miss having affection from my wife (feel completely alone in this marriage on a couple of levels) I know she loves me. She's just dealing with her own issues. She works in a bank contact center as a team manager. Lots of stress. And with this virus thing, the protocols at work change all the time.

She started watching fall cabal (watch at your own risk, if you find it). I watched it before, and it was beyond disturbing, the evil stuff some people are involved in. Tried to advise her on not watching it, that it would just increase her anxiety, but she watched it all last night while I was at work.

Now unto another day, temptations and women's figures are drawing curiosity even from watching cartoons (stupid things are seductive when you have a leaning towards them).

Finished reading my bible for now, taking one of my dogs out for a walk, then breakfast later, and then to work.

I can't wait for this virus to be over, and for the governments to be on the people's side. In Canada, we have an idiot, that had a family gathering, while telling all of us to stay home. The stupid is strong with him.

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Re: New Start
« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2020, 06:59:54 AM »
Another win for today. I have too many things going today, I won't have time to do anything on my pc. Writing this post and possible while reading my bible. Otherwise, I have a workout this morning, then a plasma donation appointment. Then I have to prepare lunch or take a nap again (slept about 5 hrs). Then it's off to pick up a few things and drop off a few things before work.


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Re: New Start
« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2020, 11:26:38 PM »
Accomplished 26th day, no issues. Frustrated with a few things. Wife has been moody for over a month...can't come near her. When I went to workout downstairs, she was already there. She stopped working out, cause she felt that I was judging her. Though I have years in the gym (shoulder injury is preventing me from doing almost anything right now) the only time I'll point out form or techniques to her, is when she's in injury potential territory. So, now she doesn't want to workout around me.
Then she screamed at me about a couple of things...to which I respond that she has her perspective, but it's not what I intended.

Just as I leave for my plasma donation appointment, she apologizes and mentions she has a lot of stress and her period is close. I almost snapped back "it better get here soon, it's been on it's way for 2 months", but I figured, that's not a battle I'm well equipped for.

Once I'm done my appointment, I head to my parents camp. It's just behind their house, and is about 5 km's from work. I live 22 km from work...relax at the camp, no pc, no Ipad...just my phone. Not even tempted.

Went to work, no issues (all mechanics and even the woman mechanic is in coveralls).

Now home again, and exhausted. Been a long day on 5 hrs sleep.

The only thing that is stressful now regarding this reboot journey, summer is coming, and with this virus thing, lots of people are going for walks on the side of the road. On my road, on the way to work...a young gorgeously build woman, in Lululemon pants and top...not what I need to see right now.

joepanic

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Re: New Start
« Reply #13 on: April 16, 2020, 12:00:50 AM »
Hey Rookie

      Your starting to sound like a real trooper... takiing the hits but not fighting back  this i a good trait in a man.  Good on you for not making any smart comments to your wife  it never helps.  I think we have all been through moments like that in our relationships.  How we handle it is most important.  I suggeremostst that you keep on course for now  get your 90 day reboot  and and I can tell you from experience  that after that bthere is a big chance your outlook will be different.  My head became so clear after about 70 days   it was amazing.  You might begin to find ways  to really communicate with your wife but still only time will tell.  So put the reboot 1st and foremost and than work on the relationship.  I belive the mandate of the site here is  a reboot.... a total pause from all artificial sexual stimulation  ie internet porn  magazines  etc   Than with a clear head we can work on other things  moving forwatrd.  As for the lady waking down the road in the tight pants, put a plan in place.  One I used was to have  a statment ready to say out loud in the car.  Something like"she is more than just a lady in tight pants  she is someones mother  wife sister and deserves more than just my stair   I have my own wife"  say it loud and proud.  Say it a few times if you have to.  I found by "lecturing myself  during my reboot it really helped.

    cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you




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Re: New Start
« Reply #14 on: April 16, 2020, 11:11:22 PM »
Just got home from work, pretty tired. No interest in looking at anything remotely looking like nudity. However, I am starting to get tempted to look for game updates. There was a role playing game. Free download and getting close to 1.5 G in size. Gorgeous women and the sex scenes were fantastic. Updates to download every 2 weeks and I was looking forward to the next one to see what kind of scene would be in it, as well as with which woman in the game it would be with.

I have not even typed the name of the game in the browser, I suspect if I do, I will download again, and be too tempted. Besides, I would have to play nearly 5 hrs, at least, to catch up where I left off before uninstalling it. Not interested in all that again.

So far, that's my only temptation. And no, I won't put the name of the game here. I'm sure some readers might be struggling giving up some games as well, and I don't want to trigger anyone.


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Re: New Start
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2020, 11:22:51 PM »
Another victorious day today, so what, 28 days? Didn't have time to look for anything even if I wanted to. Too many things going on. And again tomorrow, 5 - 6 hrs sleep, then work for 4 - 5 hrs, then groceries, then get something from my in-laws, then a birthday cake for my wife...it's not going to stop till about 9 tomorrow...probably go to my parents camp for a few hours and just ready my bible, with a fire in the camp stove and generator outside...

Either way, the streak continues, at least for today.

jixu

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Re: New Start
« Reply #16 on: April 18, 2020, 09:59:47 AM »
There are few activities in life as enjoyable as reading by a cozy fire!  To me, that is one of the keys in life-recognizing that it is often (or maybe usually) the simple things in life that are so valuable, meaningful, and pleasurable.  I guess it comes down to trying to cultivate a habit of thankfulness.  Anyway, congratulations on your progress and best wishes going forward. 

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Re: New Start
« Reply #17 on: April 18, 2020, 01:32:07 PM »
Ok, so got home from work, and got my wife's Dairy Queen ice cream cake...(if I didn't bring one home to surprise her with it, might as well not come home, lol). Way too tired for groceries today.

Temptations are actually not that bad, surprisingly. Home alone until at least 7:30, if she gets out early. Was hoping for some birthday sex...but alas, her monthly visitor has showed up...so that kind of killed the mood this morning.

This afternoon, a nap, then clean the house and I might go to my parents camp / wood pile in the back and stack wood. There's about 10 cord to do, so no shortage of projects.

Last update, I'm beyond tempted to see what the new updates are on that game I was playing with the great sex cartoons videos. But I also know that if I peek at that, the streak is gone, and if the streak of looking at porn is gone...and I would have to play for at least a couple of hours straight just go get back to where I left off. That part, I'm really not interested in....

Sorry camel...get your lips out from under the tent.


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Re: New Start
« Reply #18 on: April 19, 2020, 07:57:08 AM »
If my count is correct, this is 30 days of no PMO. I have looked at a few pictures of some women/girls from some sites I check out for conservative news. Mostly girls that are different in the world because of some trait. Example, the world's biggest female bodybuilder out of Russia...wow, that woman is huge. But, dressed. Didn't google her naked. Not interested (if you look her up, she's bigger than most men, not really interested in seeing her nude, lol).

But that's an example. I haven't googled nudity in 30 days. Today, still tired this morning, wife wants to go to a local walking trail and hopefully get her parents there with us, in the open fresh air. I would rather suggest we go to my parents house, in the back. That way, a private property, much less chance of "police" frequenting the area...

joepanic

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Re: New Start
« Reply #19 on: April 19, 2020, 08:22:28 AM »
Hey Rookie

     Nice going on the 30 days   pretty much a whole month   depending on the month of course.  Getting out is so important in these trying times.  Sounds like your lucky to have some private land  to spend time on  use is as often as you can    Up in Canada here  we can walk on the rails  legally but cannot use any amentities (park benches  rain shelters bathrooms etc)   But we are getting out  which really helps   Mind you we are getting a little light rain today  I think I might lean on wife and kids to go for a walk anyway (reminds me of Europe where it rains often and they walk in it anyway)

     Cheers

    post often it helps me it helps you

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Re: New Start
« Reply #20 on: April 20, 2020, 12:23:40 PM »
Day 31...barely any temptation today. So far, not bad. Woke up today, hoping to hang out with my wife (sex or not, didn't care). But getting beyond frustrated, she's on her phone, nearly 24 hrs a day. I want to tell her to come up for air occasionally, however, with her being bipolar, I'm not looking forward to the meltdown. She's already told me she's pre-menopausal, and has a lot of stress at work. And I'm fully in support of helping her out with everything going on with her right now...but I feel completely neglected on my end.

All that being said, I'm going to tough it for now. And since this is part of my reboot, it's going to give me an extra boost and bite in my fight. And hitting 31 days, I never thought I would hit this streak. I'm not interested in falling again.

Still no interest in watching movies with cleavage, playing online games with seductive women (cartoon women are absolutely gorgeous, and that will be a fall). So not even turning on Netflix...or streaming movies...if I'm going to win this fight...it's the same as losing weight...don't even turn into McDonald's parking lot...

Besides all this, reading my bible still every day, praying everyday and thanking God for the grace he has given me to fight this.

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Re: New Start
« Reply #21 on: April 21, 2020, 07:37:17 AM »
This is day 32...since I work nights, my wife usually wakes up before I do...which, she did again today. Got up, showered, cleaned the kitchen and then sat with her on the couch to give her a bit of a back rub...to my surprise and pleasure, her phone was on the table...I know she's been under a bit of stress at work, so I'm not pushing for anything more. Just the fact that her phone isn't in her hand, that's enough for me today (previously, giving her a back massage, and not getting anything in return would have pushed me to PMO later today, she works at 1, and I go in for 4pm...so there's a couple of hours of free time)

So we actually had a discussion. She's beyond stressed. Most of her team is trying to go on stress leave, and she's making mistakes in the process of starting the claims. (She works for a contact center as a team manager). So she admitted, the reason for no sex, was 30 days of worrying if she's going to get laid off. And the first thing I'll say, we need both incomes to keep afloat here. Many things will tank if we don't both work (like most families I guess). So I'm now thinking, which payments do I stop and which continue. Without a doubt, the car and house continue. CC's and truck...if you don't want to work with me, come and get them...That will be nearly $1000 of relief.

So all in all, her finally opening up to what is going on in her head...and an easy conversation, no screaming, no venting, just simply saying "my boss told me my job is to process claims, and to do it right"...wasn't what I wanted to hear (when you make too many mistakes at work, they let you go). But hopefully when this stupid thing is over, life will be back to normal.

I'm just hoping Trudeau doesn't hold his own country hostage, so that we can become an authoritarian country under his leadership. He seems to be idolizing China a bit too much for my liking. If that's the case, most will lose their properties, and become slaves to the state...Cuba, China, Venezuela...

So yea. 32 days...and so far, absolutely no sign of temptation for normal P...however, as mentioned before, that online game, I keep wanting to check for updates.

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Re: New Start
« Reply #22 on: April 21, 2020, 02:56:41 PM »
Ok, so I have a question. I have to admit, reading other people's posts/threads/blogs on this site is encouraging. However, I have read some that say no P for XXdays but MO'd once this month.

Is that part of a reboot? I thought everything had to be cut off, or is it just the visual part that's damaging. Maybe I didn't understand properly when I was reading the book YBOP and other sources.

I personally cut everything off and have had no exposure/experience/sessions of PMO at all in 32 days.

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Re: New Start
« Reply #23 on: April 22, 2020, 06:24:09 PM »
Day 33...currently at work, and I have to admit, temptation is starting now. I have had an easy coast till now with barely any temptation to even look at still images let alone digital video.

This virus thing is not helping, as my wife's anxiety is so high right now, she can't even endure herself. So spending time with her...unfortunately not happening.

One thing that drives me nuts, why all the stupid bikini ads on FB...why all the ads in the first place. I'm so tired, of just wanting to see what my friends are up to, and then bam, a gorgeous babe...not helping.

Might have to lose social media. I finally have over a month of absolutely no PMO...however, some provocative images come through on FB occasionally, I'm not looking at ending this streak that easily.

Still wondering about the folks that haven't cut out MO, but only P...is that part of the reboot? I completely stopped everything, and only had sex once this month with my bride...tough? Yep...giving up? Heck no.

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Re: New Start
« Reply #24 on: April 23, 2020, 03:47:49 PM »
Day 34...while I was home, wife was getting ready to go to work. She left at about 11:30 am (1 pm shift). And I was only working at 4 pm...temptation was too great at around 12:30 pm...so I prepared my lunch, put 2 dogs in their kennel, and left the house. Only went on the PC to transfer a few dollars to her account for lunch, and walked away. Not sure I would have caved, but I didn't have a great feeling about staying home, and that it might happen.

So, went in town, got some headache pills (headache was about 10% of a migraine...but only getting worse). Got me a nice pen at Staples...then went to my parents for a chat and nap..

Finally get to work, and safe for another 8 hrs...mind you not much sleep last night, so tonight, will be too tired to think of anything to make me crash.

Tomorrow will be another test.